I went to a zoo in China last month, all they had in it was a small fluffy dog.
It was a Shitzu.

When a woman says “what!?” it’s not because she didn’t hear you. She’s just giving you a chance to change what you said

I had amnesia once – maybe twice.

What does cheese say when it sees itself in the mirror? Halloumi

I bet the butcher $50 that he couldn’t reach the meat off the top shelf. He said, “No, the steaks are too high.”

What do you call a bee that lives in America? A USB

I eat my tacos over a Tortilla. That way when stuff falls out, BOOM, another taco.

Not all math puns are bad. Just sum.

Don’t trust atoms. They make up everything.

A lot of people are afraid of heights. Not me, I’m afraid of widths.

Lets have a toast for the bread winners!

What is the difference between snowmen and snowwomen? Snowballs.

My ex-wife has lessons with the devil on how to be more evil. I don’t know what she charges him.

An old man threw out his hip.. What a waist

Why do you never see elephants hiding in trees?
Because they’re so good at it!

I was walking my dog through the cemetery when I saw a guy crouching behind a gravestone.
I said “Morning”. He said, “No, just having a sh**”.

My wife was in labor with our first child when suddenly she began to shout, “Shouldn’t, couldn’t, wouldn’t, didn’t, can’t!”

“Doc, what’s wrong with my wife?” I asked.

“Nothing” he said. “She’s just having contractions.”

How much does a hipster weigh? An instagram

What do you call a cow that just gave birth?
Decalfeinated.