#323
My wife says Iām hopeless at fixing appliances. Well, she’s in for a shock!
#723
My neighbour is a stripper and a coeliac which is tough because she can only jump out of certain cakes.
#637
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
-Librarians arguing
#829
Dad: Did you hear about the Orca at Sea World?
Son: Nope.
Dad: You didn’t? Oh whale.
#309
A Buddhist monk approaches a hot dog stand and says “make me one with everything”
#705
Why should you never give Elsa a balloon?
Cause she’ll just let it go
#782
What do you call a bear with no ears?
B
#574
Support bacteria – they’re the only culture some people have.
#425
One day you’re the next best thing to sliced bread.
The next, you’re toast.
#584
I think they picked me for my motivational skills. Everyone always says they have to work twice as hard when I’m around!
#654
He’s street smart. Sesame Street smart.
#776
What do you call two guys sitting in a windowsill?
Kurt and Rod
#376
Broken Guitar for sale.
No strings attached
#542
The sex was so good that even the neighbors had a cigarette.
#53
I only trust people who like big butts. They cannot lie.
#494
I always take life with a grain of salt, …plus a slice of lemon, …and a shot of tequila.
#170
How many Emo kids does it take to change a light bulb? None, they all sit in the dark and cry
#588
When I was a child my father attacked me with cameras.
I still have flashbacks
#834
Psychologist: Can you describe yourself in two words?
Me: Lazy.
#876
Why are teddy bears never hungry?
Because they’re stuffed