What did the electrician say when he got shocked?
That hertz.

My party trick is swallowing two peices of string and an hour later they come out of my arse tied together. I shit you knot.

How does a whale defend itself?
With a swordfish

I’m thinking of selling my John Lennon memorabilia on eBay.
Imagine all the PayPal.

Some cause happiness wherever they go; others whenever they go.

I’m not a fan of the new pound coin, but then again, I hate all change.

Which dinosaur knew the most words?
The thesaurus.

Why does a chicken coop have 2 doors?

Because if it had 4 doors it would be called chicken sedan.

The seven dwarfs were in the bath feeling happy so he got out.

How do you fix a broken pumpkin? With a pumpkin patch.

When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, that’s amore.

When you swim in a creek and an eel bites your cheek, that’s a moray.

Marketing companies should use chromosomes in advertisements because sex cells

A Chinese couple had a black baby and named it SumTing Wong.

I wonder how many chameleons snuck onto Noah’s Ark

My wife told me to get our red headed son ready for school. So I beat him up and took his lunch money.

What type of bears live in the north and south poles?
Bi-polar

My mate’s sex change operation from male to female went very well.
They did such a good job he’s still trying to reverse out of the hospital car park.

They’re always telling me to live my dreams. But I don’t want to be naked in an exam I haven’t revised for!

What do you call a fly with no wings?
A walk