Where does seaweed look for a job?
in the kelp-wanted ads

My wife said I never listen to her. Or something like that.

“You haven’t listened to a word I’ve said, have you?” always seems like a strange way for my wife to start a conversation.

Hedgehogs — why can’t they just share the hedge

Thank you student loans for getting me through university. I don’t think I could ever repay you

I’m the kind of guy who stops the microwave at 1 second just to feel like a bomb defuser.

A Chinese kid was born before the due date.
Parents named him Sudden Lee.

Broken Guitar for sale.
No strings attached

What does a panda ghost eat? Bam-BOO!

I bet the butcher $50 that he couldn’t reach the meat off the top shelf. He said, “No, the steaks are too high.”

A jumper cable walked into a bar, the bartender said “I’ll serve you, but don’t start anything!”

What does a baby computer call his dad?
Data

A man who loves Sherlock Holmes novels and puns names his dog Furlock. One day, he takes his dog out to town with him and stops in a little boutique. He brings his dog in with him and tries on a shirt. To his dismay, it isn’t the right size. He looks at his dog and says “No fit, Furlock.“

I Renamed my iPod The Titanic, so when I plug it in, it says, “The Titanic is syncing”

What do you call a guy with a car on his head?
Jack

What do you call a woman with no legs? Nolene

What’s the difference between a golfer and a skydiver? A golfer goes *whack* “damn” and a skydiver goes “damn” *whack*

The best way to carve wood is whittle by whittle

1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. There are 5 people in my family, so it must be one of them. It’s either my mum or my dad. Or my older brother Colin. Or my younger brother Ho-Cha-Chu. But I think it’s Colin.