It’s Jamaican hair style day at work tomorrow. I’m already dreading it.

Did you hear about the houses falling in love? It was a lawn-distance relationship.

I met a one-legged woman outside of a club the other day. She was a bouncer.

I’m here for whatever you need me to do… from the couch.

Why did the Higgs Boson go to church?
For the mass

What do you call an artist with a brown finger? Picassole

What do you call people who are afraid of Santa Claus? Claustrophobic

I’ve been reading a book about anti-gravity. It’s impossible to put down

What’s the worst vegetable to eat on a boat?
Leek

Santa’s elves are just a bunch of subordinate Clauses.

Did you hear about the man who jumped off a bridge in France? He was in Sein.

Whenever I pass someone texting and driving, I throw my beer at their window

If you lose your hearing, is it ear replaceable?

Claustrophobic people are more productive thinking out of the box.

I called the vet to complain about a bill. He just put the phone down. As quickly and humanely as possible.

I tried walking up a hill without a watch but had neither the time nor the inclination.

I, for one, like Roman numerals

How much does a hipster weigh? An instagram