A man who loves Sherlock Holmes novels and puns names his dog Furlock. One day, he takes his dog out to town with him and stops in a little boutique. He brings his dog in with him and tries on a shirt. To his dismay, it isn’t the right size. He looks at his dog and says “No fit, Furlock.“
I only trust people who like big butts. They cannot lie.
Thank you student loans for getting me through university. I don’t think I could ever repay you
What does cheese say when it sees itself in the mirror? Halloumi
What do you call it when Batman skips church? Christian Bale.
My wife said “Black really is slimming on you, you’ve never looked sexier”.
I said “Turn the light back on”.
What do you get when a cow jumps over a barbed wire fence? An udder disaster.
A courtroom artist was arrested today for an unknown reason… details are sketchy.
What do you call a guy no arms no legs in the mail box? Bill.
What did one lumber jack say to another lumber jack?
“I need to axe you a question”
When an employment application asks who is to be notified in case of emergency, I always write, “A very good doctor”
I haven’t slept for three days, because that would be too long.
I had a dream last night that I was a muffler. I woke up exhausted.
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
-Librarians arguing
I called the vet to complain about a bill. He just put the phone down. As quickly and humanely as possible.
What’s brown and sounds like a bell? Dung!
Adult: Someone who has stopped growing at both ends and now grows in the middle.
What’s Michael Jackson’s favourite painting?
Sha-Mona Lisa
Why did the grandma put wheels on her rocking chair? She liked to rock and roll
What’s the difference between voyeurs and thieves? Thieves snatch your watch.