I’m not passive aggressive. Unlike some people.

What do you call an alcoholic Vampire?
Drunkcula

What was the demon arrested for?
Possession

Something about subtraction just doesn’t add up

Did you hear about the chameleon that couldn’t change colour? He had a reptile dysfunction

19 and 20 got into a fight.
21.

Can a woman make you a millionaire?
Yes, if you’re a billionaire

Where does Buzz Lightyear go furniture shopping at? Bed, Bath, and BEYOND!

My wife told me she was leaving me because I keep pretending to be a Transformer.
I said “No wait, I can change!”

I just read a book about Stockholm syndrome. It was pretty bad at first but by the end I kinda liked it

My wife says I’m immature. I told her to get out of my fort

Santa’s elves are just a bunch of subordinate Clauses.

I named my hard drive “dat ass” so once a month my computer asks if I want to back dat ass up

Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

What is Mozart doing right now? Decomposing.

When are holes beautiful? When they’re gorges.

They’re always telling me to live my dreams. But I don’t want to be naked in an exam I haven’t revised for!

What do pimps and farmers have in common? They both need a hoe to stay in business

My wife told me “Sex is better on holiday”.
Worst postcard ever.

What do you call a sheep with no legs? A cloud