Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one – and let the other one off.

Say what you want about deaf people…

There was a man who entered a local paper’s pun contest.. He sent in ten different puns, in the hope that at least one of the puns would win. Unfortunately, no pun in ten did.

Just found the worst page in the entire dictionary. What I saw was disgraceful, disgusting, dishonest, and disingenuous.

How much did it cost for the pirate to get his ears pierced?.

A buccaneer

The police came to my house and asked where I was between 3 and 5 . I told them pre school.

When I get naked in the bathroom, the shower usually gets turned on.

An atheist, a vegan and a Crossfitter walk into a bar. I only know because they told everyone within the first three minutes.

Got a new job as a hostage negotiator. Tried to ring in sick but they talked me out of it.

How do you get down from an elephant?
You don’t. You get down from a goose

I’ve decided to sell my Hoover … well, it was just collecting dust

Me: Go to sleep before the monsters get you.
Daughter: Monsters aren’t real.
Me: You sound like your sister.
Daughter: Sister?
Me: I’ve said too much already…

What do you call a sketchy Italian neighbourhood?
A Spaghetto

1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. There are 5 people in my family, so it must be one of them. It’s either my mum or my dad. Or my older brother Colin. Or my younger brother Ho-Cha-Chu. But I think it’s Colin.

How was Rome split in two?
With a pair of Caesars

Welcome to Plastic Surgery Addicts Anonymous. I’m seeing a lot of new faces in the crowd this week and I have to say I’m really disappointed.

Where are average things manufactured?
The satisfactory