I’m not a fan of the new pound coin, but then again, I hate all change.

Why do blonde girls walk in groups of odd numbers? Because they can’t even!

I once thanked a French guy to death. It was a merci killing.

What’s got four legs and one arm? A Rottweiler.

It puzzles me that a bra is singular and panties are plural.

What kind of bees make milk?
Boobies

The year 2020 is going to be filled with so many puns about perfect vision

I can just see it now.

Interviewer: “So how long were you employed in your last job?”
Me: “I’d say my biggest weakness is my listening skills.”

My wife says I’m hopeless at fixing appliances. Well, she’s in for a shock!

It’s been 2 days since I’ve had McDonald’s, I’m getting the shakes… and the fries.

My dad suggested I register for a donor card. He’s a man after my own heart

There are so many scams on the Internet these days…. but for $19.95 I can show you how to avoid them.

What’s Michael Jackson’s favourite painting?
Sha-Mona Lisa

I don’t get people who stumble into mirrors. They need to watch themselves.

I married Miss Right. I just didn’t know her first name was Always.

What do you call a man with no arms or legs hanging on the wall?
Art

My friend recently got crushed by a pile of books, but he’s only got his shelf to blame.

People are making end of the world jokes like there is no tomorrow.

A termite walks into a bar and says “where’s the bar tender”

“Jesus loves you.”

A nice gesture in church.

A horrific thing to hear in a Mexican prison.