If iron man and the silver surfer team up, they’ll be alloys

I dreamt I wrote the Hobbit the other night. I think I was Tolkien in my sleep.

Did you hear about the man who jumped off a bridge in France? He was in Sein.

What’s the opposite of Christopher Reeve?
Christopher Walken

My wife’s mad because I paid for my dope out of our joint account. I thought that was why we had it.

Impotence: Nature’s way of saying “No hard feelings”.

I just deleted all the German names off my phone. It’s Hans free

My wife told me she was leaving me because I keep pretending to be a Transformer.
I said “No wait, I can change!”

I’ve recently quit my job as a butler.

I refuse to be ordered around in that manor.

And the best neckwear award goes to…
Oh wait. It’s a tie.

If canola oil comes from canola, where does baby oil come from?

I called the cops about a murder on my front lawn.
They said they couldn’t do anything about crows and to stop calling them.

Why was the thermometer smarter than the graduated cylinder?
He had more degrees

My dad used to say “Always fight fire with fire.” Probably explains why he was thrown out of the fire brigade

Have you heard about the cannibal that passed his brother in the forest?

I bought a dog off a blacksmith today.
As soon as I got it home it made a bolt for the door.

I imagine a handshake means something completely different to a cannibal.

I love the F5 key. It´s just so refreshing.

What do you call a fat psychic? A four-chin teller.