How do you make holy water? You boil the hell out of it

I have two boys, 5 and 6. We’re no good at naming things in our house.

My jokes are still in alpha

Hopefully soon they’ll get beta

I told my wife she drew her eyebrows on too high. She looked surprised.

I don’t know if I just got hit by freezing rain, but it hurt like hail.

Did you hear about the fire at the shoe factory? It was a real tragedy, 100 soles were lost.

A guy goes to a doctor because he’s got a strawberry growing out of his chest. The doctor looks and examines and finally says, “Let me give you some cream to put on it.”

Somebody ripped a whole bunch of pages out of my dictionary. It just goes from bad to worse

My cousin drowned. At his funeral we laid a life jacket on his coffin.
It’s what he would have wanted.

What do you call a guy with his legs cut off at the knees?
Neil

A man is being arrested by a female police officer, who informs him, “Anything you say can and will be held against you.” The man replies, “Boobs!”

Two men broke into a drugstore and stole all the Viagra. The police put out an alert to be on the lookout for the two hardened criminals

Murphy’s law states anything that can go wrong will go wrong, but have you heard of Cole’s law? It’s finely sliced cabbage.

What’s the advantage of living in Switzerland? Well the flag is a big plus

I’ve recently quit my job as a butler.

I refuse to be ordered around in that manor.

What did Michael Jackson call his denim store?
Billie Jeans

A Roman walks into a bar, sticks two fingers up to the barman and says, “Five beers please.”