What is Bruce Lee’s favourite drink? Wataaaaahh!

A Spanish magician wanted to do a trick. He covered himself with a blanket and counted “Uno… dos…” and he vanished without a tres

What do dinosaurs pay their bills with?
Tyrannosaurus Cheques

I’m here for whatever you need me to do… from the couch.

My wife’s been staring through the window ever since it started snowing. If it gets any worse, I’ll have to let her in.

What does a baby computer call his dad?
Data

I couldn’t work out how to fasten my seatbelt. Then it clicked.

How do you make holy water? You boil the hell out of it

How many kids with ADHD does it take to change a light bulb?
Let’s go play on our bikes

I heard there was a new store called Moderation. They have everything there

My friend just got a job at the zoo, circumcising elephants. The pay isn’t great but he gets huge tips.

I’m not a fan of the new pound coin, but then again, I hate all change.

What do you call a parade of rabbits hopping backwards?
A receding hare-line

Interviewer: “So how long were you employed in your last job?”
Me: “I’d say my biggest weakness is my listening skills.”

I would lose weight, but I hate losing.

I gave all my dead batteries away today…
free of charge

My wifi has stopped working. Turns out our neighbours hadn’t paid the bill. Tightarses.

What’s the difference between deer nuts and beer nuts?
Beer nuts are a $1.75, but deer nuts are under a buck.

Why do you never see elephants hiding in trees?
Because they’re so good at it!

What is invisible and smells like worms?
Bird farts