A donkey fell into a bowl of sugar. Now that’s a sweet ass!!

The future, the present and the past walked into a bar. Things got a little tense.

How can you spot the blind guy at the nudist colony? It’s not hard.

You know you’re ugly when it comes to a group picture and they hand you the camera.

My party trick is swallowing two peices of string and an hour later they come out of my arse tied together. I shit you knot.

When are holes beautiful? When they’re gorges.

Why do seagulls fly over the sea? Because if they flew over the bay, they’d be called bagels

You kill vegetarian vampires with a steak to the heart

Why was the computer late for work?
He had a slow, hard drive

A farmer counted 196 cows in the field. But when he rounded them up, he had 200

My kids have been throwing Scrabble tiles at each other again.

it’s all fun and games until someone loses an i.

My wife’s mad because I paid for my dope out of our joint account. I thought that was why we had it.

I once thanked a French guy to death. It was a merci killing.

I applied for a government job but accidentally sent the wrong resume. This early display of incompetence should work in my favour.

I made a graph of my past relationships. It has an ex axis and a why axis.

Red meat is not bad for you. Fuzzy green meat is bad for you.

I burnt My Hawaiian pizza today…

I should’ve cooked it on aloha temperature

I’ve just found out one of my mates works as a mime artist. He’s kept that quiet.

A guy goes to a doctor because he’s got a strawberry growing out of his chest. The doctor looks and examines and finally says, “Let me give you some cream to put on it.”

A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says, “A beer please, and one for the road.”