What’s long and hard and has cum in it?
A cucumber

If iron man and the silver surfer team up, they’ll be alloys

A man who loves Sherlock Holmes novels and puns names his dog Furlock. One day, he takes his dog out to town with him and stops in a little boutique. He brings his dog in with him and tries on a shirt. To his dismay, it isn’t the right size. He looks at his dog and says “No fit, Furlock.“

How many kids with ADHD does it take to change a light bulb?
Let’s go play on our bikes

What do you call a guy with a car on his head?
Jack

I was hooked on auctions after only going once… going twice.

The invisible man and invisible woman had children… they weren’t much to look at

What do you call a king’s fart?
Noble gas.

I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn’t find any.

Build a man a fire, and he’ll be warm for a day. Set a man on fire, and he’ll be warm for the rest of his life.

Impotence: Nature’s way of saying “No hard feelings”.

About a month before he died, my uncle had his back covered in lard. After that, he went down hill fast.

Two cannibals are eating a clown. One cannibal turns to the other and asks, “This taste funny to you?”

Why did the mobile phone need glasses?
It lost all its contacts

What’s it like being in a vacuum cleaner? It sucks

Why do blondes tip-toe past medicine cabinets?
So they don’t wake up the sleeping pills

As I said before, I never repeat myself.

I may not be getting lucky tonight, but I’m definitely banging my snooze button in the morning.

I’ve recently quit my job as a butler.

I refuse to be ordered around in that manor.