What do ducks wear to weddings? Duxedos

Two birds are sitting on a perch and one says “Do you smell fish?”

The police came to my house and asked where I was between 3 and 5 . I told them pre school.

I used to work in a shoe recycling shop. It was sole destroying

My mate had a terrible accident a while ago. He fell into an Upholstering Machine.

He’s fully recovered now though.

What do you call a man with no arms or legs hanging on the wall?
Art

It’s Jamaican hair style day at work tomorrow. I’m already dreading it.

I’m going to stand outside, so if anyone asks I’m outstanding.

What do you get when you cross a dyslexic, an insomniac, and an agnostic?
Someone who lays awake at night wondering if there is a dog.

Why don’t helicopters fly in the morning? Twirly

Best Summer Vacation Book Never Written: “Where to Stay on Vacation” by Moe Tell.

Do you know why i make puns?
its my respunsibility.

I saw an ad for burial plots, and thought to myself this is the last thing I need.

A guy just threw milk at me… How dairy?!

Behind every angry woman is man who has absolutely no idea what he did wrong

My colleague can no longer attend next weeks Innuendo Seminar so I have to fill her slot instead.

Why was the computer late for work?
He had a slow, hard drive

I’ve accidentally swallowed some Scrabble tiles. My next crap could spell disaster.

You kill vegetarian vampires with a steak to the heart

The hardness of butter is directly proportional to the softness of the bread.