My friend David lost his ID.

So now I call him Dav.

Why don’t the melons get married? Because they cantaloupe

Murphy’s law states anything that can go wrong will go wrong, but have you heard of Cole’s law? It’s finely sliced cabbage.

I’m having an introvert party and you’re all not invited.

Me: Mmm, you’ve dimmed the lights. I like where this is going.
Optometrist: Just read the letters on the screen.

My colleague can no longer attend next weeks Innuendo Seminar so I have to fill her slot instead.

This guy just had a dangerous mole removed from the end of his penis. Definitely won’t be shagging one of those again

What do you call a gay milkman? A Dairy Queen

A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says, “A beer please, and one for the road.”

How do Mexicans stay warm in winter? Fajitas

I told my wife she drew her eyebrows on too high. She looked surprised.

Did you hear about the fire at the shoe factory? It was a real tragedy, 100 soles were lost.

Just burned 2,000 calories. That’s the last time I leave brownies in the oven while I nap.

What does a baby computer call his dad?
Data

My first day on the job at an IKEA store, I was told by my boss that employees needed to go to the meeting room before every shift. I asked why. He said, “Assembly required.”

Marketing companies should use chromosomes in advertisements because sex cells

This weight loss website wants me to accept cookies. Hmm…

The future, the present and the past walked into a bar. Things got a little tense.