Nostalgia isn’t what it used to be.

What is the first thing Santa’s elves have to learn?
The Elfabet

My dad used to say “Always fight fire with fire.” Probably explains why he was thrown out of the fire brigade

My neighbor is in the Guinness World Records. He has had 44 concussions. He lives very close to me. A stone’s throw away, in fact.

What do the movies titanic and the sixth sense have in common.
Icy dead people.

I’ve just been on a once-in-a-lifetime holiday. I’ll tell you what, never again

What kind of exercise do lazy people do? Diddly-squats.

This guy just had a dangerous mole removed from the end of his penis. Definitely won’t be shagging one of those again

If two vegans have an argument is it still beef?

A dyslexic devil worshipper sold his soul to Santa

My kids have been throwing Scrabble tiles at each other again.

it’s all fun and games until someone loses an i.

What kind of prize do you give someone who hasn’t moved a muscle in over a year?
Atrophy.

I was hooked on auctions after only going once… going twice.

What do you call a sketchy Italian neighbourhood?
A Spaghetto

How do you get a man with only one arm out of a tree? Wave.

I had amnesia once – maybe twice.

What did the blanket say as it fell of the bed?
Oh sheet

What’s the opposite of Christopher Reeve?
Christopher Walken

I always take life with a grain of salt, …plus a slice of lemon, …and a shot of tequila.