What do you call a woman that sets her bills on fire? Bernadette

What’s E.T. short for?
He’s got little legs

How do you count cows? With a cowculater.

The only dates I get these days are software updates

What kind of train eats a lot?
A chew chew train

Whenever I pass someone texting and driving, I throw my beer at their window

I’m having an introvert party and you’re all not invited.

“Your finest Scotch, please.” “Yes, sir,” the guy at Officeworks says as he hands me a 12 year old roll of tape.

A Chinese couple had a black baby and named it SumTing Wong.

When are holes beautiful? When they’re gorges.

It’s hard to explain puns to kleptomaniacs because they always take things literally!

So this bloke just came up to me & said i’ve just spilt my scrabble set on the road. I asked “Whats the word on the street?”

At any given moment the urge to sing, “The Lion Sleeps Tonight” is just a whim away. A whim away. A whim away.

I’m so introverted I won’t even talk to myself.

How do snakes end a fight?
They hiss and make up

Want to get noticed?
Go jogging without moving your arms.

Do skunks celebrate Valentine’s Day? Sure, they’re very scent-imental!

I broke a can opener. It’s a can’t opener now.