I felt so bad today…I saw this sad dog without a tail. Luckily, his owner was taking him to the retail store.

A termite walks into a bar and says “where’s the bar tender”

Don’t fart in an apple store, there’s no windows!

I went on a once in a lifetime holiday. Never again.

He’s street smart. Sesame Street smart.

I bet the butcher $50 that he couldn’t reach the meat off the top shelf. He said, “No, the steaks are too high.”

What does a panda ghost eat? Bam-BOO!

What did one lumber jack say to another lumber jack?
“I need to axe you a question”

I wasn’t particularly close to my dad before he died…
Which was lucky, because he trod on a landmine.

A joke is like sex. Neither is any good if you don’t get it.

“You haven’t listened to a word I’ve said, have you?” always seems like a strange way for my wife to start a conversation.

My wife says I can join your gang but I have to be home by 9.

RIP boiled water. You will be mist.

And the best neckwear award goes to…
Oh wait. It’s a tie.

Give a Nigerian a fish he’ll eat for a day. Teach a Nigerian to phish and he’ll become a prince and start e-mailing people

My neighbour is a stripper and a coeliac which is tough because she can only jump out of certain cakes.

White boards are remarkable