A blind man walks into a bar. And a table. And a chair.

And the best neckwear award goes to…
Oh wait. It’s a tie.

Woke up on the ground last night, must have fell asleep​.

Is it bad to tell knock knock jokes to homeless people?

What do pimps and farmers have in common? They both need a hoe to stay in business

My jokes are still in alpha

Hopefully soon they’ll get beta

A philosopher says to a linguist “What if, instead of periods, women had apostrophes?”

The linguist replied, “They’d be more possessive and have more frequent contractions.”

I like to imagine the guy who invented the umbrella was going to call it the ‘brella’. But he hesitated.

I have kleptomania, but when it gets bad I take something for it

Why did Humpty Dumpty push his girlfriend off the wall? So he could see her crack!

If I get interviewed by a police sketch artist, my only goal will be to see how far I get before he realizes I’m making him draw a pirate.

I got a photo with R.E.M
That’s me in the corner

What’s the difference between mechanical engineers and civil engineers?

Mechanical engineers build weapons. Civil engineers build targets.

What do you call an academically successful slice of bread? An honor roll.

Someone stole my toilet and the police have nothing to go on.

I know Jiu-Jitsu, Sambo, Judo, Aikido and lots of other scary words.

I hate peer pressure and you should too.

What do you get when giraffes collide?
A giraffic jam