What advice did Notorious B.I.G give to his cows?
Moo money, moo problems

What do people wear in a trench? Trench coats.

The sex was so good that even the neighbors had a cigarette.

Fixing broken windows is a pane in the glass.

What did the sushi say to the bee?
Wasabi

I’m having an introvert party and you’re all not invited.

I once thanked a French guy to death. It was a merci killing.

When I was a child my father attacked me with cameras.
I still have flashbacks

What do you call a belt with a watch on it?
A waist of time

What do you do if a blonde throws a grenade at you? Pull the pin and throw it back.

My ex-girlfriend still misses me. But her aim is steadily improving.

What do you call a snobbish prisoner going down the stairs?
A condescending con descending

I just deleted all the German names off my phone. It’s Hans free

My jokes are still in alpha

Hopefully soon they’ll get beta

I told my doctor that I broke my arm in two places. He told me to stop going to those places.

Two goldfish are in a tank. One says to the other, “do you know how to drive this thing?”

I got a sext from a redhead: “I’m all alone. Come over. Bring protection.” I took SPF50.

I’ve just found out one of my mates works as a mime artist. He’s kept that quiet.

What does Batman put in his drink?

Just Ice