My cats gonna sh** when he sees his new litter box I got him for Christmas.

I never wanted to believe that my Dad was stealing from his job as a road worker. But when I got home, all the signs were there.

You used asbestos in that wall?
That was asbestos I could do.

There’s a new shaver designed for dyslexics.
It’s the best thing since sliced beard.

In any argument, a wife has the last word. Anything the husband says after that last word is the beginning of a new argument.

Did you hear about the murder at the fish shop the other day!!

2 fish got battered to death

I used to be a carpenter until I accidentally sat on my hammer, now I have hammeroids.

I’ve just been on a once-in-a-lifetime holiday. I’ll tell you what, never again

I just deleted all the German names off my phone. It’s Hans free

I asked my wife for “something Cuban” for my birthday, and she got me a Che Guevara shirt.

Clothes, but no cigar.

I don’t mind kids playing hopscotch in most places, but my driveway is where I draw the line.

PMS jokes aren’t funny. Period.

What do vegan dogs eat? Bark

What do you call somebody with body and just a nose? Nobody nose!

Don’t you hate it when someone answers their own questions? I do.

What do you call a woman standing in the middle of a tennis court?

Anette

Why don’t the enemies of the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles just flip them on their backs?

I miss my umbilical cord. Must have grown attached to it

Did you hear about the man who was accidentally buried alive?
It was a grave mistake.