Did you hear about the kidnapping at school? It’s fine, he woke up

I was in a bar when a waitress shouted “ANYONE KNOW CPR?”
I said “I know the whole alphabet!”.
Everyone laughed, except this one guy.

Which dinosaur knew the most words?
The thesaurus.

A flashlight is a case for holding dead batteries.

Why did Barbie never get pregnant?
Because Ken always came in another box.

I tried walking up a hill without a watch but had neither the time nor the inclination.

Red meat is not bad for you. Fuzzy green meat is bad for you.

Frankly, auto correct, I’m getting tired of your shirt.

I’ve just finished reading a book called “How To Give Constructive Criticism.”
It was rubbish.

I called the cops about a murder on my front lawn.
They said they couldn’t do anything about crows and to stop calling them.

I was addicted to the hokey pokey but i turned myself around

A plateau is the highest form of flattery

My wife and I always compromise. I admit I’m wrong and she agrees with me.

I wasn’t happy with my sons school report. He said okay. I said I want more A’s. He said okaaaaaaaay

Light travels faster than sound. That’s why some people appear quite bright – until you hear them talk.

I can hear music coming out of my printer.
I think the paper’s jammin’ again.

i thought i got a type a in blood test but it was actually a typ-o

I don’t mind kids playing hopscotch in most places, but my driveway is where I draw the line.

Waking up this morning was an eye-opening experience

“I stand corrected,” said the man in the orthopedic shoes.