Whenever I pass someone texting and driving, I throw my beer at their window

Yesterday, I fell down from a 10 meter ladder. Thank God I was on the third step.

I’m not saying your perfume is too strong. I’m just saying the canary was alive before you got here.

How did Darth Vader know what Luke got him for Christmas?
He felt his presents

I went to a zoo in China last month, all they had in it was a small fluffy dog.
It was a Shitzu.

Someone threw cheese at me.
Real mature!

I didn’t like my beard at first but then it grew on me.

The bartender says, “We don’t serve time travellers in here.”
A time traveller walks into a bar.

What did the buffalo say to his son? Bison

How do you get down from an elephant?
You don’t. You get down from a goose

Did you hear about the murder at the fish shop the other day!!

2 fish got battered to death

What do you call people who illegally use restrooms? Squatters.

Why does a chicken coop have 2 doors?

Because if it had 4 doors it would be called chicken sedan.

I like European food so I decided to Russia over there because I was Hungary. After Czech’ing the menu I ordered Turkey. When I was Finnished I told the waiter ‘Spain good but there is Norway I could eat another bite’.

Why did the Mexican take xanax?
For Hispanic attacks

I dreamt I wrote the Hobbit the other night. I think I was Tolkien in my sleep.

Two bars walk into a man, LSD is powerful stuff

I just read a book about Stockholm syndrome. It was pretty bad at first but by the end I kinda liked it

What do you call two Mexicans playing basketball? Juan on Juan