Just burned 2,000 calories. That’s the last time I leave brownies in the oven while I nap.

Someone threw a bottle of Omega-3 pills at me. Luckily, my injuries were only super fish oil.

I wonder how many chameleons snuck onto Noah’s Ark

There are only 10 types of people in the world: those who understand binary and those who don’t

Two blondes are facing each other across a wide stream.
One yells to the other, ‘How do you get to the other side?’
The other blonde replies, ‘You are on the other side!’

Got a universal remote for Father’s Day.
This changes everything!

1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. There are 5 people in my family, so it must be one of them. It’s either my mum or my dad. Or my older brother Colin. Or my younger brother Ho-Cha-Chu. But I think it’s Colin.

As I suspected, someone has been adding soil to my garden..
The plot thickens.

To the optimist, the glass is half full. To the pessimist, the glass is half empty. To the engineer, the glass is twice as big as it needs to be.

Why do blondes tip-toe past medicine cabinets?
So they don’t wake up the sleeping pills

How do you find Will Smith in the snow?
You look for the fresh prints

If you’re looking for quality, never buy fireworks from a guy with more than seven fingers.

I was in a bar when a waitress shouted “ANYONE KNOW CPR?”
I said “I know the whole alphabet!”.
Everyone laughed, except this one guy.

What advice did Notorious B.I.G give to his cows?
Moo money, moo problems

Our cat coughed up furballs all over the carpet. I wouldn’t mind but Furballs was our hamster.

If two vegans have an argument is it still beef?

I went on a once in a lifetime holiday. Never again.

You used asbestos in that wall?
That was asbestos I could do.