If a stranger offers you a piece of candy…take two.

Why did the chicken go to a séance? To communicate with the other side

How many Freudians does it take to change a light bulb? Sex.

Pick up line: “Are you a beaver because damn!”

You can’t run through a camping ground. You can only ran, because it’s past tents

My ex-girlfriend still misses me. But her aim is steadily improving.

If tomatoes are technically a fruit, is ketchup technically a smoothie?

I just read a book about Stockholm syndrome. It was pretty bad at first but by the end I kinda liked it

When does a sandwich cook?
When it’s bakin lettuce and tomato

A philosopher says to a linguist “What if, instead of periods, women had apostrophes?”

The linguist replied, “They’d be more possessive and have more frequent contractions.”

Two blondes are facing each other across a wide stream.
One yells to the other, ‘How do you get to the other side?’
The other blonde replies, ‘You are on the other side!’

The invisible man and invisible woman had children… they weren’t much to look at

I bought a dog off a blacksmith today.
As soon as I got it home it made a bolt for the door.

I asked my wife for “something Cuban” for my birthday, and she got me a Che Guevara shirt.

Clothes, but no cigar.

“I stand corrected,” said the man in the orthopedic shoes.

You know you’re ugly when it comes to a group picture and they hand you the camera.

The sex was so good that even the neighbors had a cigarette.

A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says, “A beer please, and one for the road.”

I met my wife at an Arthritis support meeting.
You know when two people just click.

I bet the butcher $50 that he couldn’t reach the meat off the top shelf. He said, “No, the steaks are too high.”