My first job was working in an orange juice factory, but I got canned: couldn’t concentrate.

I love the F5 key. It´s just so refreshing.

I got a sext from a redhead: “I’m all alone. Come over. Bring protection.” I took SPF50.

I can totally keep secrets. It’s the people I tell them to that can’t.

People are making end of the world jokes like there is no tomorrow.

Just burned 2,000 calories. That’s the last time I leave brownies in the oven while I nap.

My wife told me “Sex is better on holiday”.
Worst postcard ever.

How much does a hipster weigh? An instagram

What did the DNA say to the other DNA?

“Do these genes make me look fat?”

I went to a busy pub last night dressed as a tennis ball.
I got served straight away.

I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather.
not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.

My wife asked me to bring home stuff for the pancakes. She wasn’t happy when I arrived with a push-up bra.

Counting in binary is as easy as 01 10 11

I lost my licence so I bought a vintage Rolls Royce because I thought it came with a driver. It didn’t. So I spent all that money and I’ve got nothing to chauffeur it.

I had an argument with one of the seven dwarfs. He wasn’t happy

My wife says I’m immature. I told her to get out of my fort

I bought a ceiling fan the other day. Complete waste of money. He just stands there applauding and saying “Ooh, I love how smooth it is”

What do you call a fat psychic? A four-chin teller.