A hungry traveller stops at a monastery and is taken to the kitchens. A brother is frying chips. ‘Are you the friar?’ he asks. ‘No. I’m the chip monk,’ he replies.

I bought a ceiling fan the other day. Complete waste of money. He just stands there applauding and saying “Ooh, I love how smooth it is”

The police came to my house and asked where I was between 3 and 5 . I told them pre school.

My wife and I always compromise. I admit I’m wrong and she agrees with me.

The only dates I get these days are software updates

My wife asked me to bring home stuff for the pancakes. She wasn’t happy when I arrived with a push-up bra.

PMS jokes aren’t funny. Period.

What do you call a guy with his legs cut off at the knees?
Neil

Two peanuts walked down the street. One of them was a salted

What was the demon arrested for?
Possession

I’m having an introvert party and you’re all not invited.

My wife told me I was average, I think she’s mean.

Sometimes I tuck my knees into my chest and lean forward. That’s just how I roll.

What do you call a Far Eastern monk who sells reincarnations?
A used karma dealer

I told my doctor that I broke my arm in two places. He told me to stop going to those places.

The bartender says, “We don’t serve time travellers in here.”
A time traveller walks into a bar.

What do you call a magic dog? A Labracadabrador.

Have you heard about corduroy pillows?
They’re making headlines.

A flashlight is a case for holding dead batteries.

The rotation of earth really makes my day.