Pick up line: “Are you a beaver because damn!”

I’m addicted to brake fluid but I can stop whenever I want

What type of bears live in the north and south poles?
Bi-polar

I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather.
not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.

A guy just threw milk at me… How dairy?!

What’s E.T. short for?
He’s got little legs

Why was the thermometer smarter than the graduated cylinder?
He had more degrees

Impotence: Nature’s way of saying “No hard feelings”.

When a deaf person sees someone yawn do they think it’s a scream?

I couldn’t work out how to fasten my seatbelt. Then it clicked.

Fishermen are reel men.

LSD causes users to lose weight. Obviously you can’t eat when a dragon is guarding the fridge

A lot of people are afraid of heights. Not me, I’m afraid of widths.

Do not argue with an idiot. They will drag you down to their level and beat you with experience.

Why do chemists like nitrates so much?
They’re cheaper than day rates.

What do you call an alcoholic Vampire?
Drunkcula

When he proposed to her. She found it very engaging.

To the optimist, the glass is half full. To the pessimist, the glass is half empty. To the engineer, the glass is twice as big as it needs to be.

Why did the mobile phone need glasses?
It lost all its contacts