Murphy’s law states anything that can go wrong will go wrong, but have you heard of Cole’s law? It’s finely sliced cabbage.

There are plenty of fish in the sea but until you catch one you’re just stuck here holding your rod…

What do you call a guy with his legs cut off at the knees?
Neil

As I suspected, someone has been adding soil to my garden..
The plot thickens.

Someone stole my toilet and the police have nothing to go on.

I didn’t like my beard at first but then it grew on me.

What nationality is Santa Claus? North Polish

What kind of bees make milk?
Boobies

What do you call a belt with a watch on it?
A waist of time

When a deaf person sees someone yawn do they think it’s a scream?

At breakfast this morning, my wife said she’s leaving me because of my obsession with Twitter.

I almost choked on my #Brown.

Times New Roman walks into a bar. The barman says “Get out of here! We don’t serve your type.”

I told my wife she drew her eyebrows on too high. She looked surprised.

How does an evil cow laugh? Moohaha

Laughing stock: cattle with a sense of humour.

Several guys are sitting around having a drink and one guy says “My wife’s an angel” another guy says “Your lucky, mines still alive.”

Somebody ripped a whole bunch of pages out of my dictionary. It just goes from bad to worse

How do you get down from an elephant?
You don’t. You get down from a goose