How many Emo kids does it take to change a light bulb? None, they all sit in the dark and cry

The other night I had a knife in one hand and a block of colby in the other…
I told the kids to leave the room before I cut the cheese.

Why did the birdie go to the hospital? He needed a tweetment

i thought i got a type a in blood test but it was actually a typ-o

A guy walks into a bar and orders a fruit punch.
Bartender says “Pal, if you want a punch you’ll have to stand in line”. The guy looks around, but there is no punch line.

I asked my wife for “something Cuban” for my birthday, and she got me a Che Guevara shirt.

Clothes, but no cigar.

You know mountains aren’t just funny, they are hill areas

Give a Nigerian a fish he’ll eat for a day. Teach a Nigerian to phish and he’ll become a prince and start e-mailing people

Me: Mmm, you’ve dimmed the lights. I like where this is going.
Optometrist: Just read the letters on the screen.

I think they picked me for my motivational skills. Everyone always says they have to work twice as hard when I’m around!

You know what often gets overlooked? Fences.

I hate when people use words without knowing the meaning… gives me a huge hysterectomy on the side of my head.

What religion are baby cows? Calf-lic.

What do you call a number that can’t keep still?
A roamin’ numeral

As soon as the hospital made me put on one of those little gowns, I knew the end was in sight

What do you get when a cow jumps over a barbed wire fence? An udder disaster.

Laughing stock: cattle with a sense of humour.

When my wife told me to stop acting like a flamingo I had to put my foot down

Have I told you this deja vu joke before?