In any argument, a wife has the last word. Anything the husband says after that last word is the beginning of a new argument.

My wife’s mad because I paid for my dope out of our joint account. I thought that was why we had it.

What did the cow say to her calf?
It’s pasture bed time

I got into a fight with my boner this morning. Don’t worry, I beat it single handedly

Marketing companies should use chromosomes in advertisements because sex cells

i thought i got a type a in blood test but it was actually a typ-o

Broken Guitar for sale.
No strings attached

How did the farmer find his wife?

He tractor down.

I wasn’t particularly close to my dad before he died…
Which was lucky, because he trod on a landmine.

I, for one, like Roman numerals

Your mum is so mean, she has no standard deviation
🤓

Why do chemists like nitrates so much?
They’re cheaper than day rates.

When my blonde neighbour asked me if I knew about items missing from her clothesline I nearly wet her pants.

A giraffe walks into a bar. “Sorry”, said the barman, “We don’t serve Heineken here.”

How did the hipster burn his tongue?
He drank his coffee before it was cool

I’m addicted to brake fluid but I can stop whenever I want

Where are average things manufactured?
The satisfactory

Doctor, I feel like a wigwam and a teepee. Trouble is, you’re too tense.