Impotence: Nature’s way of saying “No hard feelings”.

My colleague can no longer attend next weeks Innuendo Seminar so I have to fill her slot instead.

Velociraptor = Distance raptor / Time raptor

For a short while, my uncle was a world famous chainsaw juggler. But not for being good at it. I miss uncle Stump.

Can a woman make you a millionaire?
Yes, if you’re a billionaire

So after I won the game for our team I decided to throw the ball into the crowd like they do on T.V.
Apparently, that’s a no-no in bowling.

A horse walks into a bar, across the room, up the back wall, across the ceiling, down the front wall and then up to the bar. The bartender gives the horse a beer, he drinks it and leaves. A guy sitting at the bar looks perplexed and asks the bartender “Hey, what’s that all about?” The bartender replies, “Don’t take it personally, he never says ‘Hi’ to anyone.”

As soon as the hospital made me put on one of those little gowns, I knew the end was in sight

I bought some shoes from a drug dealer. I don’t know what he laced them with, but I’ve been tripping all day.

How did the hipster burn his tongue?
He drank his coffee before it was cool

People who sometimes use the wrong words should have the humidity to admit it.

Marketing companies should use chromosomes in advertisements because sex cells

The seven dwarfs were in the bath feeling happy so he got out.

Have you heard about the cannibal that passed his brother in the forest?

If tomatoes are technically a fruit, is ketchup technically a smoothie?

Just got sacked from my job as a dishwasher. I kept putting the plates and bowls in the wrong order. The boss reckons I am dishlexic.

My mate had a terrible accident at work. He fell into an industrial grinder. He’s fine now.

What do you call a Mexican with a vasectomy?
A dry Martinez

It’s a good thing farts aren’t contagious like yawns