The bartender says, “We don’t serve time travellers in here.”
A time traveller walks into a bar.

I swear to drunk I’m not god but seriously, stay in drugs, eat school and don’t do vegetables

I ordered 2000 lbs. of chinese soup.
It was Won Ton.

Shouldn’t pregnant women be called body builders?

My friend recently got crushed by a pile of books, but he’s only got his shelf to blame.

My budgie broke his leg so I made him a tiny splint out of a couple of matches. His little face lit up when he tried to walk.

Why don’t helicopters fly in the morning? Twirly

Living on earth may be expensive, but it includes an annual free trip around the sun.

A baby seal walks into a club.

I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn’t find any.

A Spanish magician wanted to do a trick. He covered himself with a blanket and counted “Uno… dos…” and he vanished without a tres

What do you get when you cross a dyslexic, an insomniac, and an agnostic?
Someone who lays awake at night wondering if there is a dog.

Me: Go to sleep before the monsters get you.
Daughter: Monsters aren’t real.
Me: You sound like your sister.
Daughter: Sister?
Me: I’ve said too much already…

What do you call someone who sells their body for a bowl of spaghetti? A pastatute!

How do you get a man with only one arm out of a tree? Wave.

I can hear music coming out of my printer.
I think the paper’s jammin’ again.

With sufficient thrust, pigs fly just fine.

PMS should just be called ovary-acting

I couldn’t work out how to fasten my seatbelt. Then it clicked.