I dreamt I was swimming in an orange ocean last night. It was just a Fanta sea

Why did the blonde stare at frozen orange juice can for 2 hours? Because it said ‘concentrate’.

I’m addicted to brake fluid but I can stop whenever I want

I broke my finger last week. On the other hand, I’m okay

A farmer counted 196 cows in the field. But when he rounded them up, he had 200

Why do chemists like nitrates so much?
They’re cheaper than day rates.

My jokes are still in alpha

Hopefully soon they’ll get beta

I told my wife I was going to make a bike out of spaghetti. She couldn’t believe it when I rode pasta.

I swear to drunk I’m not god but seriously, stay in drugs, eat school and don’t do vegetables

Have you heard about corduroy pillows?
They’re making headlines.

I heard that Oxygen and Magnesium got together and I was like… “OMg”

My cousin drowned. At his funeral we laid a life jacket on his coffin.
It’s what he would have wanted.

What’s Michael Jackson’s favourite painting?
Sha-Mona Lisa

My girlfriend left me because she couldn’t handle my OCD. I told her to close the door five times on her way out.

What do you call a fly with no wings?
A walk

At an interview:
First question: “Describe yourself in 3 words”
Me: “Not good with numbers”.

I just watched a program about beavers. It was the best dam program I’ve ever seen.

I named my hard drive “dat ass” so once a month my computer asks if I want to back dat ass up

At any given moment the urge to sing, “The Lion Sleeps Tonight” is just a whim away. A whim away. A whim away.

My first day on the job at an IKEA store, I was told by my boss that employees needed to go to the meeting room before every shift. I asked why. He said, “Assembly required.”