#655

How many kids with ADHD does it take to change a light bulb?
Let’s go play on our bikes

#227

I asked my wife for “something Cuban” for my birthday, and she got me a Che Guevara shirt.

Clothes, but no cigar.

#37

There are three kinds of people: Those who can count and those who can’t.

#280

What’s the difference between voyeurs and thieves? Thieves snatch your watch.

#142

I was playing Frisbee with my dog in the park today, but it didn’t go well.
I think I need to get a flatter dog.

#54

I like European food so I decided to Russia over there because I was Hungary. After Czech’ing the menu I ordered Turkey. When I was Finnished I told the waiter ‘Spain good but there is Norway I could eat another bite’.

#543

It’s hard to explain puns to kleptomaniacs because they always take things literally!

#436

I’d like to thank the girl with no sports bra who ran with me through the last few miles of yesterday’s marathon.

Your lack of support got me through

#538

Blonde: “What does IDK mean?”

Brunette: “I don’t know.”

Blonde: “OMG, nobody does!”

#51

An English man, an Irish man and an Italian walk into a bar. The bartender says “is this a joke?”

#223

My kids have been throwing Scrabble tiles at each other again.

it’s all fun and games until someone loses an i.

#93

A donkey fell into a bowl of sugar. Now that’s a sweet ass!!

#545

No matter how much you push the envelope, it’ll still be stationery.

#597

My wife was in labor with our first child when suddenly she began to shout, “Shouldn’t, couldn’t, wouldn’t, didn’t, can’t!”

“Doc, what’s wrong with my wife?” I asked.

“Nothing” he said. “She’s just having contractions.”

#232

At breakfast this morning, my wife said she’s leaving me because of my obsession with Twitter.

I almost choked on my #Brown.

#496

I bought some shoes from a drug dealer. I don’t know what he laced them with, but I’ve been tripping all day.

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