I stayed up all night to find out where the sun went, then it dawned on me…

A Spanish magician wanted to do a trick. He covered himself with a blanket and counted “Uno… dos…” and he vanished without a tres

What part of your body likes to get frisky?
The naked eye

Why do all of P-Diddy’s kids have nice hair?
Because Sean Combs

A farmer counted 196 cows in the field. But when he rounded them up, he had 200

My cross-eyed wife and I just got a divorce. We didn’t see eye to eye. I also found out she was seeing someone on the side.

I saw an ad for burial plots, and thought to myself this is the last thing I need.

Who is the best king fu vegetable?
Brocc Lee

Fixing broken windows is a pane in the glass.

What do you call a sketchy Italian neighbourhood?
A Spaghetto

I have kleptomania, but when it gets bad I take something for it

When my blonde neighbour asked me if I knew about items missing from her clothesline I nearly wet her pants.

My wife told me “Sex is better on holiday”.
Worst postcard ever.

In any argument, a wife has the last word. Anything the husband says after that last word is the beginning of a new argument.

Me: Mmm, you’ve dimmed the lights. I like where this is going.
Optometrist: Just read the letters on the screen.

A steak pun is a rare medium well done

I always take life with a grain of salt, …plus a slice of lemon, …and a shot of tequila.

I’m thinking of selling my John Lennon memorabilia on eBay.
Imagine all the PayPal.

This guy just had a dangerous mole removed from the end of his penis. Definitely won’t be shagging one of those again