If a stranger offers you a piece of candy…take two.

I eat my tacos over a Tortilla. That way when stuff falls out, BOOM, another taco.

30 seconds left on the microwave.
Women: set table, pour drinks, tweet, talk on the phone.
Men: do the space shuttle countdown.

“Jesus loves you.”

A nice gesture in church.

A horrific thing to hear in a Mexican prison.

So this bloke just came up to me & said i’ve just spilt my scrabble set on the road. I asked “Whats the word on the street?”

People used to laugh at me when I would say “I want to be a comedian”, well nobody’s laughing now.

I went bobsleighing the other day, killed 250 bobs.

Nostalgia isn’t what it used to be.

Don’t trust atoms. They make up everything.

I’m hosting a charity event tonight to raise money for people unable to orgasm. Don’t worry if you can’t come.

If we get rid of all the margarine the world will be a butter place.

There are 2 rules for success:
1. Don’t tell all you know.

In any argument, a wife has the last word. Anything the husband says after that last word is the beginning of a new argument.

What do vegan dogs eat? Bark

I had the most amazing orange the other day

It was a class above the zest

NSA Pickup Line #1:
Did you fall from heaven?
Because there’s no tracking data on how you arrived at this location

How did the hipster burn his tongue?
He drank his coffee before it was cool

I got banned from a secret cooking society for spilling the beans

Cinderella got kicked off the basketball team because she ran away from the ball