Women sometimes make fools of men, but most guys are the do-it-yourself type.

If two vegans have an argument is it still beef?

My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance. We’ll see about that.

A dyslexic devil worshipper sold his soul to Santa

What do you call someone who sells their body for a bowl of spaghetti? A pastatute!

I’m addicted to brake fluid but I can stop whenever I want

I like European food so I decided to Russia over there because I was Hungary. After Czech’ing the menu I ordered Turkey. When I was Finnished I told the waiter ‘Spain good but there is Norway I could eat another bite’.

At an interview:
First question: “Describe yourself in 3 words”
Me: “Not good with numbers”.

Why did the pig stop sunbathing? He was bacon in the heat

At breakfast this morning, my wife said she’s leaving me because of my obsession with Twitter.

I almost choked on my #Brown.

I recently got a new Korean mechanic but it’s hard to understand him – he speaks with a Hyundai Accent!

I bought a ceiling fan the other day. Complete waste of money. He just stands there applauding and saying “Ooh, I love how smooth it is”

If tomatoes are technically a fruit, is ketchup technically a smoothie?

I used to think I was indecisive, but now I’m not too sure

What do you call a wandering caveman? A meanderthal.

What did the tree say to autumn? Leaf me alone.

I imagine a handshake means something completely different to a cannibal.

The best way to carve wood is whittle by whittle

Where do pencils go on vacation? Pencilvania

What do you call a bee that lives in America? A USB