What is the difference between ignorance and apathy? I don’t know, and I don’t care.

There was a big paddle sale at the boat store.
It was quite an oar deal.

I used to mix metaphors but that ship has flown.

Women sometimes make fools of men, but most guys are the do-it-yourself type.

When an employment application asks who is to be notified in case of emergency, I always write, “A very good doctor”

What did the blanket say as it fell of the bed?
Oh sheet

Scared the postman today by going to the door naked.
I’m not sure what scared him more, my naked body or the fact that I knew where he lived.

I don’t think it’s possible for me to become a sniper. Not by a long shot.

Why do chemists like nitrates so much?
They’re cheaper than day rates.

For a short while, my uncle was a world famous chainsaw juggler. But not for being good at it. I miss uncle Stump.

I just deleted all the German names off my phone. It’s Hans free

Where did Mary go after the explosion?
Everywhere

I really hate those people who knock at your door and tell you how you need to be ‘saved’ or you’ll ‘burn.’
Stupid firemen.

When I think of books, I touch my shelf.

When life gives you melons, you’re probably dyslexic.

Did you hear about the guy who got hit in the head with a can of soda? He was lucky it was a soft drink.

Two men broke into a drugstore and stole all the Viagra. The police put out an alert to be on the lookout for the two hardened criminals

How can you spot the blind guy at the nudist colony? It’s not hard.