What do you call Watson when Sherlock isn’t around? Holmeless.

My doctor took one look at my gut and refused to believe that I work out. So I listed the exercises I do every day: jump to conclusions, climb the walls, drag my heels, push my luck, make mountains out of molehills, bend over backward, run around in circles, put my foot in my mouth, go over the edge, and beat around the bush.

My wife left me because I sold her wheelchair. I knew she’d come crawling back

There’s no “i” in denial

The only dates I get these days are software updates

I’ve accidentally swallowed some Scrabble tiles. My next crap could spell disaster.

Impotence: Nature’s way of saying “No hard feelings”.

I bought a cuckoo clock at an army disposals store. Last night at ten o’clock the bird chirped 2200 times.

I don’t get people who stumble into mirrors. They need to watch themselves.

What’s the worst thing about ancient history class?
The teachers tend to Babylon

Age is just the number of hours I’m hungover for.

Why don’t flies go to church?
Because they’re in sects

I’m close friends with 25 letters of the alphabet, I don’t know y

Why did the snowman smile?
Because the snowblower was coming

I’m addicted to brake fluid but I can stop whenever I want

Why don’t helicopters fly in the morning? Twirly

I used to work in a shoe recycling shop. It was sole destroying

I’m terrified of elevators, and I’m taking steps to avoid them