I had the most amazing orange the other day

It was a class above the zest

Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth, then it just becomes a soap opera.

30 seconds left on the microwave.
Women: set table, pour drinks, tweet, talk on the phone.
Men: do the space shuttle countdown.

People are making end of the world jokes like there is no tomorrow.

I love the F5 key. It´s just so refreshing.

Marketing companies should use chromosomes in advertisements because sex cells

Whoever invented knock knock jokes should get a no bell prize.

What do you call a bee with a low buzz?
A mumblebee

I met my wife at an Arthritis support meeting.
You know when two people just click.

I made a graph of my past relationships. It has an ex axis and a why axis.

I really hate those people who knock at your door and tell you how you need to be ‘saved’ or you’ll ‘burn.’
Stupid firemen.

Two men broke into a drugstore and stole all the Viagra. The police put out an alert to be on the lookout for the two hardened criminals

What did the blanket say as it fell of the bed?
Oh sheet

If you could rehydrate those raisins, that’d be grapes.

Two birds are sitting on a perch and one says “Do you smell fish?”

How was Rome split in two?
With a pair of Caesars

Does a dolphin ever do something by accident? No, they do everything on porpoise.

What do you call a woman that sets her bills on fire? Bernadette