Did you hear about the chameleon that couldn’t change colour? He had a reptile dysfunction

My cousin drowned. At his funeral we laid a life jacket on his coffin.
It’s what he would have wanted.

Shouldn’t pregnant women be called body builders?

My annual performance review says I lack “passion & intensity”, guess management hasn’t seen me alone with a Big Mac.

At what age do you think it’s appropriate to tell a highway it’s adopted?

Why couldn’t the toilet paper cross the road?
It got stuck in a crack

I’ve just been on a once-in-a-lifetime holiday. I’ll tell you what, never again

Scared the postman today by going to the door naked.
I’m not sure what scared him more, my naked body or the fact that I knew where he lived.

Can a woman make you a millionaire?
Yes, if you’re a billionaire

Queue is just Q followed by four silent letters waiting their turn

I just saw a sign that made me wet myself.
It said “Bathroom Closed”.

Two birds are sitting on a perch and one says “Do you smell fish?”

My wife says I’m immature. I told her to get out of my fort

I’m not passive aggressive. Unlike some people.

How was Rome split in two?
With a pair of Caesars

What do you call two Mexicans playing basketball? Juan on Juan

What’s the advantage of living in Switzerland? Well the flag is a big plus

Why do all of P-Diddy’s kids have nice hair?
Because Sean Combs

It’s bad luck to be superstitious.