#134

I used to date a dyslexic girl. Weird girl. I took her home and she cooked my sock.

#135

My mate’s sex change operation from male to female went very well.
They did such a good job he’s still trying to reverse out of the hospital car park.

#330

They say make up sex is the best…
Which is lucky, because all my sex is made up.

#450

I married Miss Right. I just didn’t know her first name was Always.

#319

I’ve just been on a once-in-a-lifetime holiday. I’ll tell you what, never again

#138

I met my wife at an Arthritis support meeting.
You know when two people just click.

#451

Happy 3 week anniversary to the 26 browser tabs I have open.

#120

“It’s a boy!” I shouted, tears rolling down my face. “I don’t believe it. A boy!” And at that moment I decided I’d never visit Thailand again.

#416

I had a dream last night that I was a muffler. I woke up exhausted.

#337

If iron man and the silver surfer team up, they’ll be alloys

#140

When my blonde neighbour asked me if I knew about items missing from her clothesline I nearly wet her pants.

#493

I got fired from my job as a chef for stealing kitchen equipment. It’s a whisk I was willing to take.

#230

Got a new job as a hostage negotiator. Tried to ring in sick but they talked me out of it.

#272

Yo mamma is so fat that when she sat on a laptop, the hardware turned into software!

#810

Why do cows have hooves instead of feet?
Because they lactose

#623

I used to be in a band, we were called ‘lost dog’. You probably saw our posters.

#836

Good news for all you narcoleptics. Only 300 sleeps till Christmas!

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