I used to date a dyslexic girl. Weird girl. I took her home and she cooked my sock.


My mate’s sex change operation from male to female went very well.
They did such a good job he’s still trying to reverse out of the hospital car park.


They say make up sex is the best…
Which is lucky, because all my sex is made up.


I married Miss Right. I just didn’t know her first name was Always.


I’ve just been on a once-in-a-lifetime holiday. I’ll tell you what, never again


I met my wife at an Arthritis support meeting.
You know when two people just click.


Happy 3 week anniversary to the 26 browser tabs I have open.


“It’s a boy!” I shouted, tears rolling down my face. “I don’t believe it. A boy!” And at that moment I decided I’d never visit Thailand again.


I had a dream last night that I was a muffler. I woke up exhausted.


If iron man and the silver surfer team up, they’ll be alloys


When my blonde neighbour asked me if I knew about items missing from her clothesline I nearly wet her pants.


I got fired from my job as a chef for stealing kitchen equipment. It’s a whisk I was willing to take.


Got a new job as a hostage negotiator. Tried to ring in sick but they talked me out of it.


Yo mamma is so fat that when she sat on a laptop, the hardware turned into software!


Why do cows have hooves instead of feet?
Because they lactose


I used to be in a band, we were called ‘lost dog’. You probably saw our posters.


Good news for all you narcoleptics. Only 300 sleeps till Christmas!

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