What do you call a woman with no legs? Nolene

How do you kill a circus?
Go for the juggler

I did a theatrical performance on puns.
It was a play on words.

There was a big paddle sale at the boat store.
It was quite an oar deal.

Behind every angry woman is man who has absolutely no idea what he did wrong

Did you hear about the guy who got hit in the head with a can of soda? He was lucky it was a soft drink.

Why did the Mexican throw his wife off a bridge?
Tequila

My wife broke up with me because of my gambling. All I can think of is how to win her back.

I don’t know if I just got hit by freezing rain, but it hurt like hail.

Do skunks celebrate Valentine’s Day? Sure, they’re very scent-imental!

Age is just the number of hours I’m hungover for.

Yeah I’m into fitness… Fitness pizza in my mouth!

My speech today will be like a mini-skirt. Long enough to cover the essentials but short enough to hold your attention!

I dreamt I wrote the Hobbit the other night. I think I was Tolkien in my sleep.

I just deleted all the German names off my phone. It’s Hans free

Scared the postman today by going to the door naked.
I’m not sure what scared him more, my naked body or the fact that I knew where he lived.

What do you call a snobbish prisoner going down the stairs?
A condescending con descending