Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth, then it just becomes a soap opera.

Our cat was just sick on the carpet. I don’t think its feline well.

When an employment application asks who is to be notified in case of emergency, I always write, “A very good doctor”

“No, thanks. I’m a vegetarian.” is a fun thing to say when someone hands you their baby.

I met a woman with 12 boobs…
Sounds weird dozen tit!

You know what often gets overlooked? Fences.

I miss my umbilical cord. Must have grown attached to it

I’m looking for the girl next door type. I’m just gonna keep moving house till I find her.

We need a 12-step group for compulsive talkers. They could call it On Anon Anon.

There was a snake crossing a highway and a truck ran over its ass. The snake went back to get its ass and a truck ran over its head. The moral of the story is, “Don’t lose your head over a piece of ass.”

Why don’t the melons get married? Because they cantaloupe

Prison may be just one word. But to some, it’s a whole sentence.

When I heard that they’d found a cure for dyslexia, it was like music to my arse.

If you’re here for the yodeling lesson, please form an orderly orderly orderly orderly queue.

How was Rome split in two?
With a pair of Caesars

I heard there was a new store called Moderation. They have everything there

A man was admitted to hospital with a number of toy horses up his backside. His condition is now stable.

Have you heard about the restaurant on the moon?
Great food, no atmosphere.

The thing about dwarfs and midgets is that they have very little in common

‘I hate tacos’ said no Juan ever