One day you’re the next best thing to sliced bread.
The next, you’re toast.

What’s the advantage of living in Switzerland? Well the flag is a big plus

I asked my wife for “something Cuban” for my birthday, and she got me a Che Guevara shirt.

Clothes, but no cigar.

Adult: Someone who has stopped growing at both ends and now grows in the middle.

Don’t you hate it when someone answers their own questions? I do.

Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth, then it just becomes a soap opera.

I’m in awe. My buddy just used a snail as a key to start up his sedan…

It made escargot.

What part of a vegetable do cannibals struggle to eat?
The wheelchair

My wife was in labor with our first child when suddenly she began to shout, “Shouldn’t, couldn’t, wouldn’t, didn’t, can’t!”

“Doc, what’s wrong with my wife?” I asked.

“Nothing” he said. “She’s just having contractions.”

The plumber told me a hole boring story about pipes.

Best Summer Vacation Book Never Written: “Where to Stay on Vacation” by Moe Tell.

People are making end of the world jokes like there is no tomorrow.

I hate peer pressure and you should too.

I got banned from a secret cooking society for spilling the beans

The first 5 days after the weekend are the hardest

Want to get noticed?
Go jogging without moving your arms.

I bought a cuckoo clock at an army disposals store. Last night at ten o’clock the bird chirped 2200 times.

My wife said that if I don’t get off my computer and do the dishes she’ll slam my head on the keyboard, but I think she’s jokinfjreoiwjrtwe4to8rkljreun8f4ny84c8y4t58lym4wthylmhawt4mylt4amlathnatyn