The best way to carve wood is whittle by whittle

Thank you, my arms, for always being there by my side.

My dad used to be a human cannonball in the circus. They’ve never found another man of his caliber

I had a dream last night that I was a muffler. I woke up exhausted.

Waking up this morning was an eye-opening experience

I thought I understood the meaning of “When Pigs Fly” but then… the swine flu.

What is the difference between snowmen and snowwomen? Snowballs.

What’s the opposite of Christopher Reeve?
Christopher Walken

What did one lumber jack say to another lumber jack?
“I need to axe you a question”

‘I hate tacos’ said no Juan ever

Someone threw cheese at me.
Real mature!

“Give it to me! Give it to me!” she yelled, “I’m so wet, give it to me now!” She could scream all she wanted to. I was keeping the umbrella.

My wife says I’m immature. I told her to get out of my fort

They should make a Minecraft movie, it would be a blockbuster!

I’m here for whatever you need me to do… from the couch.

Someone told me my clothes looked gay..
They did come out of the closet this morning.

My dad was dyslexic. Whenever I swore when growing up, he’d wash my mouth out with soup.

What did the blanket say as it fell of the bed?
Oh sheet

With sufficient thrust, pigs fly just fine.