The Man Who Created Autocorrect Has Died. Resturant In Peace.

The best way to carve wood is whittle by whittle

A bill collector came to my house the other day, so I gave him a huge stack of old bills

How do Mexicans stay warm in winter? Fajitas

Whoever invented knock knock jokes should get a no bell prize.

What do you call a pig with three eyes?
A Piiig…

Where does Buzz Lightyear go furniture shopping at? Bed, Bath, and BEYOND!

A horse walks into a bar. Several patrons get up and leave as they recognise the potential danger in the situation

My budgie broke his leg so I made him a tiny splint out of a couple of matches. His little face lit up when he tried to walk.

What did the cannibal do after dumping his girlfriend? He wiped his bum.

Even when I’m really tired I refuse to take naps during the day. My wife says I’m resisting a rest.

I hate peer pressure and you should too.

Why does the alcoholic Avon lady walk funny? Because her lips stick.

What does Batman put in his drink?

Just Ice

Support bacteria – they’re the only culture some people have.

My girlfriend and I often laugh about how competitive we are. But I laugh more.

Do you know why i make puns?
its my respunsibility.

Your mammas not fat. She’s just… easier to see

Interviewer: “So how long were you employed in your last job?”
Me: “I’d say my biggest weakness is my listening skills.”

I had a dream last night that I was a muffler. I woke up exhausted.