A furniture store keeps calling me. All I wanted was one night stand.

Support bacteria – they’re the only culture some people have.

My budgie broke his leg so I made him a tiny splint out of a couple of matches. His little face lit up when he tried to walk.

I’ve recently quit my job as a butler.

I refuse to be ordered around in that manor.

My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance. We’ll see about that.

Did you hear about the short-sighted circumciser?
He got the sack

They say make up sex is the best…
Which is lucky, because all my sex is made up.

Behind every angry woman is man who has absolutely no idea what he did wrong

Say what you want about deaf people…

Did you hear about the fire at the shoe factory? It was a real tragedy, 100 soles were lost.

In any argument, a wife has the last word. Anything the husband says after that last word is the beginning of a new argument.

I thought I had a Japanese friend, but it was just my imagine asian

Did you hear about the chameleon that couldn’t change colour? He had a reptile dysfunction

How do you fix a broken pumpkin? With a pumpkin patch.

When my wife told me to stop acting like a flamingo I had to put my foot down

I don’t need a hot tub. I prefer a mildly attractive tub with a great sense of humor and a good job

How do snakes end a fight?
They hiss and make up

I can guess your blood type.
Its Red.

Why do chemists like nitrates so much?
They’re cheaper than day rates.