Blonde: “What does IDK mean?”

Brunette: “I don’t know.”

Blonde: “OMG, nobody does!”

Care to seduce a large woman?
Piece of cake!

What do you call a guy with his legs cut off at the knees?
Neil

I used to be in a band, we were called ‘lost dog’. You probably saw our posters.

What does Kim Kardashian use to fix holes?

Sex tape

I just read a book about Stockholm syndrome. It was pretty bad at first but by the end I kinda liked it

The bartender says, “We don’t serve time travellers in here.”
A time traveller walks into a bar.

What kind of bees make milk?
Boobies

‘I hate tacos’ said no Juan ever

What to say to a hitch-hiker with just one leg? Hop in.

I hate gravity, it always gets me down

A farmer counted 196 cows in the field. But when he rounded them up, he had 200

Whenever I pass someone texting and driving, I throw my beer at their window

I’m not lazy… I’m just on my energy saving mode.

Adult: Someone who has stopped growing at both ends and now grows in the middle.

Me: Go to sleep before the monsters get you.
Daughter: Monsters aren’t real.
Me: You sound like your sister.
Daughter: Sister?
Me: I’ve said too much already…

I can totally keep secrets. It’s the people I tell them to that can’t.

My wife is complaining that I never buy her jewellery. To be fair, I didn’t even know she sold jewellery.

How does an evil cow laugh? Moohaha