How is cat food sold?
Purr can

I used to be a carpenter until I accidentally sat on my hammer, now I have hammeroids.

I thought I had a Japanese friend, but it was just my imagine asian

“No, thanks. I’m a vegetarian.” is a fun thing to say when someone hands you their baby.

I used to think I was indecisive, but now I’m not too sure

What was Helen Keller’s favourite colour?
Velcro

I eat my tacos over a Tortilla. That way when stuff falls out, BOOM, another taco.

19 and 20 got into a fight.
21.

What do you call a midget psychic who just escaped from prison? A small medium at large

What does a thesaurus eat for breakfast?
Synonym rolls

What do you get when you cross a dyslexic, an insomniac, and an agnostic?
Someone who lays awake at night wondering if there is a dog.

How did the hipster burn his tongue?
He drank his coffee before it was cool

What’s the difference between an oral thermometer and a rectal thermometer? The taste

I felt so bad today…I saw this sad dog without a tail. Luckily, his owner was taking him to the retail store.

Why don’t helicopters fly in the morning? Twirly

Whenever I pass someone texting and driving, I throw my beer at their window

What does cheese say when it sees itself in the mirror? Halloumi

I saw a bishop the other day. Wondered why he wasn’t walking diagonally

My kids have been throwing Scrabble tiles at each other again.

it’s all fun and games until someone loses an i.