“Whenever we drive past a graveyard my dad says, ‘Do you know why I can’t be buried there?’ And we all say, ‘Why not?’ And he says, ‘Because I’m not dead yet!’”

What’s the internal temperature of a Tauntaun?
Luke warm

I can guess your blood type.
Its Red.

I used to have a job at a calendar factory but I got the sack because I took a couple of days off

What’s the difference between a hippo and a Zippo?
One’s really heavy and the other is a little lighter

What do you call a fish with no eyes?
A fsh

Even when I’m really tired I refuse to take naps during the day. My wife says I’m resisting a rest.

I heard there was a new store called Moderation. They have everything there

How did the hipster burn his tongue?
He drank his coffee before it was cool

I used to work in a shoe recycling shop. It was sole destroying

A handicapped guy stole my wallet.
He can hide but he can’t run

What do you call a belt with a watch on it?
A waist of time

My son wanted to know what it’s like to be married. I told him to leave me alone and when he did I asked him why he was ignoring me.

How much does a hipster weigh? An instagram

Waking up this morning was an eye-opening experience

What do you call a sheep with no legs? A cloud

Is google a woman? Because it won’t let you finish your sentence without coming up with other suggestions.

Last night me and my wife watched three DVDs back to back. Luckily I was the one facing the TV.

Did you hear about the guy who got hit in the head with a can of soda? He was lucky it was a soft drink.

I went to a zoo in China last month, all they had in it was a small fluffy dog.
It was a Shitzu.