I don’t get people who stumble into mirrors. They need to watch themselves.

A joke is like sex. Neither is any good if you don’t get it.

I gave all my dead batteries away today…
free of charge

My wife asked me to bring home stuff for the pancakes. She wasn’t happy when I arrived with a push-up bra.

I always take life with a grain of salt, …plus a slice of lemon, …and a shot of tequila.

What’s the difference between a well dressed man on a bike and a poorly dressed man on a unicycle?

Attire

They’re always telling me to live my dreams. But I don’t want to be naked in an exam I haven’t revised for!

I only trust people who like big butts. They cannot lie.

I was addicted to the hokey pokey but i turned myself around

I got called pretty yesterday and it felt good!

Actually, the full sentence was “you’re pretty annoying” but I’m choosing to focus on the positive

I broke a can opener. It’s a can’t opener now.

With sufficient thrust, pigs fly just fine.

My wife is leaving me because I’m going bald.

I’m not bothered, it’s hair loss.

How do you get a man with only one arm out of a tree? Wave.

Behind every angry woman is man who has absolutely no idea what he did wrong

Shouldn’t pregnant women be called body builders?

My wife said that if I don’t get off my computer and do the dishes she’ll slam my head on the keyboard, but I think she’s jokinfjreoiwjrtwe4to8rkljreun8f4ny84c8y4t58lym4wthylmhawt4mylt4amlathnatyn

I miss my umbilical cord. Must have grown attached to it