#512

If tomatoes are technically a fruit, is ketchup technically a smoothie?

#129

My ex-wife is standing at the opposite end of the museum from me. I want to say hello but there’s just too much history between us.

#504

A woman’s mind is cleaner than a man’s: She changes it more often.

#414

What did Michael Jackson call his denim store?
Billie Jeans

#895

What do you call somebody with body and just a nose? Nobody nose!

#97

I used to be a lifeguard, but this blue kid got me fired.

#260

What’s the importance of capitalization? You can either help your Uncle Jack off a horse or help your uncle jack off a horse

#169

I don’t mind kids playing hopscotch in most places, but my driveway is where I draw the line.

#466

Ice hockey is basically just guys wearing knife shoes fighting each other with long sticks for the last Oreo.

#817

A photon checked into a hotel, the staff asked “Hello Mr. Photon, can I help you with your bags?” The photon replied, “No thanks, I’m traveling light.”

#10

I used to work in a shoe recycling shop. It was sole destroying

#190

What is the difference between ignorance and apathy? I donโ€™t know, and I donโ€™t care.

#737

You can’t run through a camping ground. You can only ran, because it’s past tents

#695

Rick Astley will let you borrow any movie from his Pixar collection, except one. He’s never gonna give you Up

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