#236
“Jesus loves you.”
A nice gesture in church.
A horrific thing to hear in a Mexican prison.
“Jesus loves you.”
A nice gesture in church.
A horrific thing to hear in a Mexican prison.
I am frustrated than a dragon trying to blow out candles.
It’s bad luck to be superstitious.
I’m pretty sober.
But I’m prettier drunk
My friend dug a hole in the garden and filled it with water. I think he meant well.
What do you call a Far Eastern monk who sells reincarnations?
A used karma dealer
19 and 20 got into a fight.
21.
I lost my licence so I bought a vintage Rolls Royce because I thought it came with a driver. It didn’t. So I spent all that money and I’ve got nothing to chauffeur it.
I’ve just finished reading a book called “How To Give Constructive Criticism.”
It was rubbish.
I did a theatrical performance on puns.
It was a play on words.
My tailor is happy to make a pair of pants for me, or at least sew it seams.
I stayed up all night to find out where the sun went, then it dawned on me…
Impotence: Nature’s way of saying “No hard feelings”.
What’s the difference between voyeurs and thieves? Thieves snatch your watch.
Why do cows have hooves instead of feet?
Because they lactose
Interviewer: “So how long were you employed in your last job?”
Me: “I’d say my biggest weakness is my listening skills.”
A philosopher says to a linguist “What if, instead of periods, women had apostrophes?”
The linguist replied, “Theyβd be more possessive and have more frequent contractions.”
I may not be getting lucky tonight, but I’m definitely banging my snooze button in the morning.
My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance. We’ll see about that.
At an interview:
First question: “Describe yourself in 3 words”
Me: “Not good with numbers”.