#162

I dreamt I wrote the Hobbit the other night. I think I was Tolkien in my sleep.

#592

Don’t you hate it when someone answers their own questions? I do.

#528

I work in a library. Literally, all we do is judge books by their covers.

#474

Do not argue with an idiot. They will drag you down to their level and beat you with experience.

#210

I never wanted to believe that my Dad was stealing from his job as a road worker. But when I got home, all the signs were there.

#400

My girlfriend left me because she couldn’t handle my OCD. I told her to close the door five times on her way out.

#577

Heard about the new restaurant called Karma?
There’s no menu – you get what you deserve

#228

I wanted to watch the world origami championship on TV but it was only on paper view.

#500

Waitress: ‘Do u have any questions about the menu?’ Me: ‘What kind of font is this?’

#819

Wish I was a dolphin. Then I’d have a porpoise in life

#624

Why can’t you take inventory in Afghanistan?
Because of the tally ban

#147

I remember last summer I was so excited when the water restrictions were lifted I wet my plants.

#822

This next song is about subtraction
β€œTake it away boys!”

#439

I’m the kind of guy who stops the microwave at 1 second just to feel like a bomb defuser.

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