#236

“Jesus loves you.”

A nice gesture in church.

A horrific thing to hear in a Mexican prison.

#668

I am frustrated than a dragon trying to blow out candles.

#385

My friend dug a hole in the garden and filled it with water. I think he meant well.

#605

What do you call a Far Eastern monk who sells reincarnations?
A used karma dealer

#396

I lost my licence so I bought a vintage Rolls Royce because I thought it came with a driver. It didn’t. So I spent all that money and I’ve got nothing to chauffeur it.

#643

I’ve just finished reading a book called “How To Give Constructive Criticism.”
It was rubbish.

#609

I did a theatrical performance on puns.
It was a play on words.

#166

My tailor is happy to make a pair of pants for me, or at least sew it seams.

#153

I stayed up all night to find out where the sun went, then it dawned on me…

#667

Impotence: Nature’s way of saying “No hard feelings”.

#280

What’s the difference between voyeurs and thieves? Thieves snatch your watch.

#810

Why do cows have hooves instead of feet?
Because they lactose

#107

Interviewer: “So how long were you employed in your last job?”
Me: “I’d say my biggest weakness is my listening skills.”

#540

A philosopher says to a linguist “What if, instead of periods, women had apostrophes?”

The linguist replied, “They’d be more possessive and have more frequent contractions.”

#658

I may not be getting lucky tonight, but I’m definitely banging my snooze button in the morning.

#406

My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance. We’ll see about that.

#146

At an interview:
First question: “Describe yourself in 3 words”
Me: “Not good with numbers”.

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