Someone says to his friend: “I bought a cat” And the other: “You have to be kitten me!”

Age is just the number of hours I’m hungover for.

Pick up line: “Are you a beaver because damn!”

I met my wife at an Arthritis support meeting.
You know when two people just click.

Yesterday, I fell down from a 10 meter ladder. Thank God I was on the third step.

A bartender walks into a church, a temple and a mosque. He has no idea how jokes work.

What did the cannibal do after dumping his girlfriend? He wiped his bum.

Thieves had broken into my house and stolen everything except my soap, shower gel, towels and deodorant.
Dirty Bastards.

Woke up on the ground last night, must have fell asleep​.

I lost my licence so I bought a vintage Rolls Royce because I thought it came with a driver. It didn’t. So I spent all that money and I’ve got nothing to chauffeur it.

Why do chemists like nitrates so much?
They’re cheaper than day rates.

Where do fish work? The offish.

I’m pretty sober.
But I’m prettier drunk

What nationality is Santa Claus? North Polish

I’m having an introvert party and you’re all not invited.

I had the most amazing orange the other day

It was a class above the zest

I eat my tacos over a Tortilla. That way when stuff falls out, BOOM, another taco.

Someone told me my clothes looked gay..
They did come out of the closet this morning.

Two bars walk into a man, LSD is powerful stuff