I’ve recently quit my job as a butler.

I refuse to be ordered around in that manor.

Did you hear about the houses falling in love? It was a lawn-distance relationship.

Queue is just Q followed by four silent letters waiting their turn

If a stranger offers you a piece of candy…take two.

I Renamed my iPod The Titanic, so when I plug it in, it says, “The Titanic is syncing”

PMS jokes aren’t funny. Period.

Wanted to tell you a joke about tv controllers but it’s not even remotely funny

Who is the best king fu vegetable?
Brocc Lee

There was a big paddle sale at the boat store.
It was quite an oar deal.

What do you call somebody with body and just a nose? Nobody nose!

I have six eyes, two mouths and three ears. What am I? Ugly

Scared the postman today by going to the door naked.
I’m not sure what scared him more, my naked body or the fact that I knew where he lived.

What do you call it when Batman skips church? Christian Bale.

Nostalgia isn’t what it used to be.

People are making end of the world jokes like there is no tomorrow.

What type of bears live in the north and south poles?
Bi-polar

Adult: Someone who has stopped growing at both ends and now grows in the middle.

My wife says I’m too impulsive. But what the hell does she know? She only met me yesterday.

Why does a chicken coop have 2 doors?

Because if it had 4 doors it would be called chicken sedan.

I eat my tacos over a Tortilla. That way when stuff falls out, BOOM, another taco.