I hate gravity, it always gets me down

I’m great at multitasking.
I can waste time, be unproductive and procrastinate all at once!

What does it take to make an octopus laugh?
Ten tickles

I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn’t find any.

I don’t think it’s possible for me to become a sniper. Not by a long shot.

People who sometimes use the wrong words should have the humidity to admit it.

The roundest knight at king Arthur’s round table was Sir Cumference.

Interviewer: “So how long were you employed in your last job?”
Me: “I’d say my biggest weakness is my listening skills.”

My ex-wife is standing at the opposite end of the museum from me. I want to say hello but there’s just too much history between us.

I met my wife at an Arthritis support meeting.
You know when two people just click.

A hungry traveller stops at a monastery and is taken to the kitchens. A brother is frying chips. ‘Are you the friar?’ he asks. ‘No. I’m the chip monk,’ he replies.

When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds

What do you call a number that can’t keep still?
A roamin’ numeral

Living on earth may be expensive, but it includes an annual free trip around the sun.

Prison may be just one word. But to some, it’s a whole sentence.

Today a girl said she recognized me from vegetarian club, but I’m sure I’ve never met herbivore.

Relationships are a lot like algebra. Have you ever thought about your X and wondered Y?

A naked man broke into a church. The police chased him around and finally caught him by the organ.

It’s Jamaican hair style day at work tomorrow. I’m already dreading it.

I was mugged by an acupuncturist yesterday – the mongrel stabbed me 236 times.
Mind you, when I woke up this morning I felt amazing.