At an interview:
First question: “Describe yourself in 3 words”
Me: “Not good with numbers”.

Have you heard about the restaurant on the moon?
Great food, no atmosphere.

How do snakes end a fight?
They hiss and make up

What do you call a guy no arms no legs in the mail box? Bill.

How did the farmer find his wife?

He tractor down.

The seven dwarfs were in the bath feeling happy so he got out.

How do mathematicians scold their children?

“If I’ve told you n times, I’ve told you n+1 times …”

Someone stole my toilet and the police have nothing to go on.

I got fired from my job as a chef for stealing kitchen equipment. It’s a whisk I was willing to take.

Becoming a vegetarian was a huge missed steak

My colleague can no longer attend next weeks Innuendo Seminar so I have to fill her slot instead.

Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one – and let the other one off.

An African-American guy and a Mexican guy opened a restaurant. It’s called Nacho Mama.

Why does a chicken coop have 2 doors?

Because if it had 4 doors it would be called chicken sedan.

I’m terrified of elevators, and I’m taking steps to avoid them

What’s the importance of capitalization? You can either help your Uncle Jack off a horse or help your uncle jack off a horse

Last night me and my wife watched three DVDs back to back. Luckily I was the one facing the TV.