I dreamt I wrote the Hobbit the other night. I think I was Tolkien in my sleep.


Don’t you hate it when someone answers their own questions? I do.


I work in a library. Literally, all we do is judge books by their covers.


Do not argue with an idiot. They will drag you down to their level and beat you with experience.


I never wanted to believe that my Dad was stealing from his job as a road worker. But when I got home, all the signs were there.


My girlfriend left me because she couldn’t handle my OCD. I told her to close the door five times on her way out.


Heard about the new restaurant called Karma?
There’s no menu – you get what you deserve


I wanted to watch the world origami championship on TV but it was only on paper view.


Waitress: ‘Do u have any questions about the menu?’ Me: ‘What kind of font is this?’


Wish I was a dolphin. Then I’d have a porpoise in life


Why can’t you take inventory in Afghanistan?
Because of the tally ban


I remember last summer I was so excited when the water restrictions were lifted I wet my plants.


This next song is about subtraction
β€œTake it away boys!”


I’m the kind of guy who stops the microwave at 1 second just to feel like a bomb defuser.

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