“Jesus loves you.”

A nice gesture in church.

A horrific thing to hear in a Mexican prison.

I am frustrated than a dragon trying to blow out candles.

It’s bad luck to be superstitious.

I’m pretty sober.
But I’m prettier drunk

My friend dug a hole in the garden and filled it with water. I think he meant well.

What do you call a Far Eastern monk who sells reincarnations?
A used karma dealer

19 and 20 got into a fight.
21.

I lost my licence so I bought a vintage Rolls Royce because I thought it came with a driver. It didn’t. So I spent all that money and I’ve got nothing to chauffeur it.

I’ve just finished reading a book called “How To Give Constructive Criticism.”
It was rubbish.

I did a theatrical performance on puns.
It was a play on words.

My tailor is happy to make a pair of pants for me, or at least sew it seams.

I stayed up all night to find out where the sun went, then it dawned on me…

Impotence: Nature’s way of saying “No hard feelings”.

What’s the difference between voyeurs and thieves? Thieves snatch your watch.

Interviewer: “So how long were you employed in your last job?”
Me: “I’d say my biggest weakness is my listening skills.”

A philosopher says to a linguist “What if, instead of periods, women had apostrophes?”

The linguist replied, “They’d be more possessive and have more frequent contractions.”

I may not be getting lucky tonight, but I’m definitely banging my snooze button in the morning.

My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance. We’ll see about that.

At an interview:
First question: “Describe yourself in 3 words”
Me: “Not good with numbers”.