Why couldn’t the toilet paper cross the road?
It got stuck in a crack

I gave all my dead batteries away today…
free of charge

Where did Mary go after the explosion?
Everywhere

I just read a book about Stockholm syndrome. It was pretty bad at first but by the end I kinda liked it

I’m great at multitasking.
I can waste time, be unproductive and procrastinate all at once!

I remember last summer I was so excited when the water restrictions were lifted I wet my plants.

What’s orange and sounds like a parrot?
A carrot

A Chinese couple had a black baby and named it SumTing Wong.

Nostalgia isn’t what it used to be.

I lost my job at the bank on my very first day. A woman asked me to check her balance, so I pushed her over.

When does a sandwich cook?
When it’s bakin lettuce and tomato

Is it bad to tell knock knock jokes to homeless people?

I bought my friend an elephant for their room.

They said “thank you”

I said “Don’t mention it”

Why don’t cannibals eat clowns? They taste funny..

I got banned from the secret cooking society… For spilling the beans.

How did the hipster burn his tongue?
He drank his coffee before it was cool

A Roman walks into a bar, sticks two fingers up to the barman and says, “Five beers please.”

What do dinosaurs pay their bills with?
Tyrannosaurus Cheques

Somebody ripped a whole bunch of pages out of my dictionary. It just goes from bad to worse

Why did Barbie never get pregnant?
Because Ken always came in another box.