I couldn’t work out how to fasten my seatbelt. Then it clicked.

I work in a library. Literally, all we do is judge books by their covers.

My wife just broke up with me for talking about video games too much, what a stupid thing to Fallout 4

What do you call a king’s fart?
Noble gas.

What do you call a belt with a watch on it?
A waist of time

An African-American guy and a Mexican guy opened a restaurant. It’s called Nacho Mama.

Counting in binary is as easy as 01 10 11

Whenever I pass someone texting and driving, I throw my beer at their window

My dad always told me “Don’t be quick to find faults”.
Good man, terrible geologist.

It’s hard to explain puns to kleptomaniacs because they always take things literally!

Why was the computer late for work?
He had a slow, hard drive

Fishermen are reel men.

I was thinking about getting a brain transplant, but then I changed my mind

I can totally keep secrets. It’s the people I tell them to that can’t.

Why couldn’t the toilet paper cross the road?
It got stuck in a crack

The police came to my house and asked where I was between 3 and 5 . I told them pre school.

So this bloke just came up to me & said i’ve just spilt my scrabble set on the road. I asked “Whats the word on the street?”