How is cat food sold?
Purr can

In any argument, a wife has the last word. Anything the husband says after that last word is the beginning of a new argument.

I’m looking for the girl next door type. I’m just gonna keep moving house till I find her.

Counting in binary is as easy as 01 10 11

What do you call it when Batman skips church? Christian Bale.

I made a graph of my past relationships. It has an ex axis and a why axis.

A bartender walks into a church, a temple and a mosque. He has no idea how jokes work.

How do you get down from an elephant?
You don’t. You get down from a goose

What is the first thing Santa’s elves have to learn?
The Elfabet

3 people having sex is a threesome, 2 is a twosome. So next time someone calls you ‘handsome’, don’t take it as a compliment!

You know it’s cold outside when you go outside and its cold

What did the tree say to autumn? Leaf me alone.

There are 2 rules for success:
1. Don’t tell all you know.

When an employment application asks who is to be notified in case of emergency, I always write, “A very good doctor”

My wife told me to get our red headed son ready for school. So I beat him up and took his lunch money.

I’ve just finished reading a book called “How To Give Constructive Criticism.”
It was rubbish.

“Children are like a sponge at this age,” I said as I used my neighbour’s toddler to wipe up my beer that he spilled.