I work in a library. Literally, all we do is judge books by their covers.

What kind of train eats a lot?
A chew chew train

I asked my North Korean friend how it was there, he said he couldn’t complain

There are plenty of fish in the sea but until you catch one you’re just stuck here holding your rod…

Can a woman make you a millionaire?
Yes, if you’re a billionaire

“Whenever we drive past a graveyard my dad says, ‘Do you know why I can’t be buried there?’ And we all say, ‘Why not?’ And he says, ‘Because I’m not dead yet!’”

I’ve accidentally swallowed some Scrabble tiles. My next crap could spell disaster.

I’ve just been on a once-in-a-lifetime holiday. I’ll tell you what, never again

If a stranger offers you a piece of candy…take two.

Red meat is not bad for you. Fuzzy green meat is bad for you.

To the optimist, the glass is half full. To the pessimist, the glass is half empty. To the engineer, the glass is twice as big as it needs to be.

I have two boys, 5 and 6. We’re no good at naming things in our house.

Say what you want about deaf people…

I bought a ceiling fan the other day. Complete waste of money. He just stands there applauding and saying “Ooh, I love how smooth it is”

Me: Go to sleep before the monsters get you.
Daughter: Monsters aren’t real.
Me: You sound like your sister.
Daughter: Sister?
Me: I’ve said too much already…

I’m the kind of guy who stops the microwave at 1 second just to feel like a bomb defuser.