I just saw a sign that made me wet myself.
It said “Bathroom Closed”.

Marketing companies should use chromosomes in advertisements because sex cells

Did you hear about the kidnapping at school? It’s fine, he woke up

I just wrote a book on reverse psychology. Do *not* read it!

I asked my wife “What do you want me to do with this big roll of bubble wrap?”
She said “Just pop it in the corner”.
It took me 4 hours.

NSA Pickup Line #2:
I know exactly where you have been all my life

My wife said “Go to the store and buy a loaf of bread. If they have eggs, buy a dozen.”
So I returned with 12 loaves of bread

Yesterday, I fell down from a 10 meter ladder. Thank God I was on the third step.

For a short while, my uncle was a world famous chainsaw juggler. But not for being good at it. I miss uncle Stump.

I had a dream last night that I was a muffler. I woke up exhausted.

When I get naked in the bathroom, the shower usually gets turned on.

1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. There are 5 people in my family, so it must be one of them. It’s either my mum or my dad. Or my older brother Colin. Or my younger brother Ho-Cha-Chu. But I think it’s Colin.

Why is too much alcohol bad for you?

Because that would be too whiskey.

My wife asked me to join her for yoga class. I said “Namaste home”

What do you get when you cross a dyslexic, an insomniac, and an agnostic?
Someone who lays awake at night wondering if there is a dog.