“Whenever we drive past a graveyard my dad says, ‘Do you know why I canโ€™t be buried there?’ And we all say, ‘Why not?’ And he says, ‘Because Iโ€™m not dead yet!’โ€


What do you get when a cow jumps over a barbed wire fence? An udder disaster.


My jokes are still in alpha

Hopefully soon they’ll get beta


I should have been sad when my flashlight batteries died, but I was delighted.


Me: Go to sleep before the monsters get you.
Daughter: Monsters aren’t real.
Me: You sound like your sister.
Daughter: Sister?
Me: I’ve said too much already…


Adult: Someone who has stopped growing at both ends and now grows in the middle.


I may not be getting lucky tonight, but I’m definitely banging my snooze button in the morning.


I got a sext from a redhead: “I’m all alone. Come over. Bring protection.” I took SPF50.


Police are looking for a guy who threatens his victims with a lit match.
They need to catch him before he strikes again


Our cat coughed up furballs all over the carpet. I wouldn’t mind but Furballs was our hamster.


I wasnโ€™t particularly close to my dad before he died…
Which was lucky, because he trod on a landmine.


There’s a new shaver designed for dyslexics.
It’s the best thing since sliced beard.


So after I won the game for our team I decided to throw the ball into the crowd like they do on T.V.
Apparently, that’s a no-no in bowling.


A Roman walks into a bar, sticks two fingers up to the barman and says, “Five beers please.”


What advice did Notorious B.I.G give to his cows?
Moo money, moo problems


My doctors office has two doctors on call at all times. Is that considered a pair a docs.


I have only seen people underwhelmed or overwhelmed, never whelmed properly.


There was a big paddle sale at the boat store.
It was quite an oar deal.

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