I’ve been reading a book about anti-gravity. It’s impossible to put down

I’d like to thank the girl with no sports bra who ran with me through the last few miles of yesterday’s marathon.

Your lack of support got me through

You know what often gets overlooked? Fences.

Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one – and let the other one off.

Why was the thermometer smarter than the graduated cylinder?
He had more degrees

The soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray was a seasoned veteran

At any given moment the urge to sing, “The Lion Sleeps Tonight” is just a whim away. A whim away. A whim away.

A giraffe walks into a bar. “Sorry”, said the barman, “We don’t serve Heineken here.”

What do you call a potato wearing glasses?
A spectater

Several guys are sitting around having a drink and one guy says “My wife’s an angel” another guy says “Your lucky, mines still alive.”

What’s brown and sounds like a bell? Dung!

What’s the difference between deer nuts and beer nuts?
Beer nuts are a $1.75, but deer nuts are under a buck.

I’m not a fan of the new pound coin, but then again, I hate all change.

My mate had a terrible accident at work. He fell into an industrial grinder. He’s fine now.

What do you call a man with no arms and no legs lying in your fireplace?
Bernie

Whenever I pass someone texting and driving, I throw my beer at their window

If a blind woman tells you your penis is big, she’s probably just pulling your leg