My doctor took one look at my gut and refused to believe that I work out. So I listed the exercises I do every day: jump to conclusions, climb the walls, drag my heels, push my luck, make mountains out of molehills, bend over backward, run around in circles, put my foot in my mouth, go over the edge, and beat around the bush.
When my blonde neighbour asked me if I knew about items missing from her clothesline I nearly wet her pants.
How do you find Will Smith in the snow?
You look for the fresh prints
What jam can’t you eat?
Traffic
What do you call a magic dog? A Labracadabrador.
A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says, “A beer please, and one for the road.”
Puts the car into reverse.
“Ah, this takes me back”
Our vet is great. If you take your dog in and you have pet insurance, they give you a courtesy dog for the day.
Accidentally fell asleep smoking an e cigarette. When I woke up, the whole house was on the Internet
My wife hates Oasis and asked me to stop singing Wonderwall.
I said maybe
A baby seal walks into a club.
Dogs can’t operate MRI machines… but catscan
How many Emo kids does it take to change a light bulb? None, they all sit in the dark and cry
What do you do if a blonde throws a grenade at you? Pull the pin and throw it back.
Whenever I pass someone texting and driving, I throw my beer at their window
The first rule of Alzheimer’s club, is don’t talk about chess club
Our cat coughed up furballs all over the carpet. I wouldn’t mind but Furballs was our hamster.