I went to a busy pub last night dressed as a tennis ball.
I got served straight away.


Is google a woman? Because it won’t let you finish your sentence without coming up with other suggestions.


I was addicted to the hokey pokey but i turned myself around


Two goldfish are in a tank. One says to the other, “do you know how to drive this thing?”


Dad: Did you hear about the Orca at Sea World?
Son: Nope.
Dad: You didn’t? Oh whale.


Santa’s elves are just a bunch of subordinate Clauses.


No deja vu please…
I don’t want to go through that again


I’m going on a blind date tonight. I hope our Labradors get on.


I always take life with a grain of salt, …plus a slice of lemon, …and a shot of tequila.


What’s the advantage of living in Switzerland? Well the flag is a big plus


Why do Swedish warships have barcodes on them? So when they dock they can Scandinavian.


I wasn’t particularly close to my dad before he died…
Which was lucky, because he trod on a landmine.


I’ve just found out one of my mates works as a mime artist. He’s kept that quiet.


“Whenever we drive past a graveyard my dad says, ‘Do you know why I can’t be buried there?’ And we all say, ‘Why not?’ And he says, ‘Because I’m not dead yet!’”


What do you call a guy no arms no legs in the mail box? Bill.


Why was the computer late for work?
He had a slow, hard drive

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