Why should you never trust a train?
They have loco motives

What type of bears live in the north and south poles?
Bi-polar

I thought I understood the meaning of “When Pigs Fly” but then… the swine flu.

A friend of mine tried to annoy me with bird puns, but I soon realized that toucan play at that game.

What do you call an alligator wearing a vest? An investigator.

I just realised that I haven’t done the hokey pokey in over 10 years. I guess when you get older, you just forget what it’s all about.

“You haven’t listened to a word I’ve said, have you?” always seems like a strange way for my wife to start a conversation.

My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance. We’ll see about that.

My jokes are still in alpha

Hopefully soon they’ll get beta

What do you call a Far Eastern monk who sells reincarnations?
A used karma dealer

What is Mozart doing right now? Decomposing.

Clones are people two

If two vegans have an argument is it still beef?

Just burned 2,000 calories. That’s the last time I leave brownies in the oven while I nap.

Why did the Mexican throw his wife off a bridge?
Tequila

Becoming a vegetarian was a huge missed steak

I hate when people use words without knowing the meaning… gives me a huge hysterectomy on the side of my head.