A termite walks into a bar and says “where’s the bar tender”

They’re always telling me to live my dreams. But I don’t want to be naked in an exam I haven’t revised for!

What did the blanket say as it fell of the bed?
Oh sheet

I lost my job at the bank on my very first day. A woman asked me to check her balance, so I pushed her over.

Cats spend two thirds of their lives sleeping, and the other third making viral videos.

My wife said I never listen to her. Or something like that.

I asked my North Korean friend how it was there, he said he couldn’t complain

The bartender says, “We don’t serve time travellers in here.”
A time traveller walks into a bar.

I was mugged by an acupuncturist yesterday – the mongrel stabbed me 236 times.
Mind you, when I woke up this morning I felt amazing.

When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, that’s amore.

When you swim in a creek and an eel bites your cheek, that’s a moray.

Atheists don’t solve exponential equations because they don’t believe in higher powers.

I can guess your blood type.
Its Red.

My wife told me “Sex is better on holiday”.
Worst postcard ever.

The police came to my house and asked where I was between 3 and 5 . I told them pre school.

I got into a fight with my boner this morning. Don’t worry, I beat it single handedly

Why did the scarecrow win an award? Because he was outstanding in his field.

I had an argument with one of the seven dwarfs. He wasn’t happy