A Russian spy, a sexual predator, and a billionaire walk into a bar. The bartender says, “What can I get you, Mr. President?”

My first job was working in an orange juice factory, but I got canned: couldn’t concentrate.

I was walking my dog through the cemetery when I saw a guy crouching behind a gravestone.
I said “Morning”. He said, “No, just having a sh**”.

Did you know that Snoop Dogg’s sister is a stripper?
She wears nothing but a g-string baby

What do you call the security outside of a Samsung Store?
Guardians of the Galaxy.

What’s brown and sounds like a bell? Dung!

At any given moment the urge to sing, “The Lion Sleeps Tonight” is just a whim away. A whim away. A whim away.

If a stranger offers you a piece of candy…take two.

LSD causes users to lose weight. Obviously you can’t eat when a dragon is guarding the fridge

I know Jiu-Jitsu, Sambo, Judo, Aikido and lots of other scary words.

What do you call an academically successful slice of bread? An honor roll.

What kind of bees make milk?
Boobies

Can a woman make you a millionaire?
Yes, if you’re a billionaire

My wife just broke up with me for talking about video games too much, what a stupid thing to Fallout 4