I’m not passive aggressive. Unlike some people.

The future, the present and the past walked into a bar. Things got a little tense.

I just deleted all the German names off my phone. It’s Hans free

I still remember the day the scented candle shop I worked at burned to the ground.

Everyone was so calm…..

What does Kim Kardashian use to fix holes?

Sex tape

Today a girl said she recognized me from vegetarian club, but I’m sure I’ve never met herbivore.

Two soldiers are in a tank.
One looks at the other and says “BLUBLUBBLUBLUBBLUB”

Currently the flower business is blooming.

To the optimist, the glass is half full. To the pessimist, the glass is half empty. To the engineer, the glass is twice as big as it needs to be.

30 seconds left on the microwave.
Women: set table, pour drinks, tweet, talk on the phone.
Men: do the space shuttle countdown.

I can cut down a tree just by looking at it. It’s true. I saw it with my own eyes

This guy said to me: “I’m gonna attack you with the neck of my guitar.” I said: “Is that a fret?”

I got a photo with R.E.M
That’s me in the corner

Smoking will give you cancer.
Eating bacon will you give you cancer.
But for some reason, smoking bacon will cure it.

What do you call a Mexican with a vasectomy?
A dry Martinez

My friend has got a butler who only has one arm.
Serves him right.

People used to laugh at me when I would say “I want to be a comedian”, well nobody’s laughing now.