I’m not saying your perfume is too strong. I’m just saying the canary was alive before you got here.

Behind every angry woman is man who has absolutely no idea what he did wrong

I used to work in a shoe recycling shop. It was sole destroying

Shout out to my grandma…
That’s the only way she can hear

I quit my job at the helium gas factory, I refuse to be talked to in that tone of voice!

The police came to my house and asked where I was between 3 and 5 . I told them pre school.

The first 5 days after the weekend are the hardest

A Chinese couple had a black baby and named it SumTing Wong.

What do squirrels give for Valentine’s Day? Forget-me-nuts.

I wanted to watch the world origami championship on TV but it was only on paper view.

What’s Michael Jackson’s favourite painting?
Sha-Mona Lisa

I, for one, like Roman numerals

I knew a guy who collected candy canes, they were all in mint condition.

Nobody’s perfect. I’m a nobody.

A philosopher says to a linguist “What if, instead of periods, women had apostrophes?”

The linguist replied, “They’d be more possessive and have more frequent contractions.”

It’s Jamaican hair style day at work tomorrow. I’m already dreading it.

Whenever I pass someone texting and driving, I throw my beer at their window

Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
-Librarians arguing