#835
I said to a mate, “What’s your pet hate?”
He said, “He doesn’t like it when the vet puts a thermometer up his butt”.
#516
My doctor took one look at my gut and refused to believe that I work out. So I listed the exercises I do every day: jump to conclusions, climb the walls, drag my heels, push my luck, make mountains out of molehills, bend over backward, run around in circles, put my foot in my mouth, go over the edge, and beat around the bush.
#317
I just deleted all the German names off my phone. It’s Hans free
#679
I burnt My Hawaiian pizza today…
I should’ve cooked it on aloha temperature
#306
Conjunctivitis.com: a site for sore eyes
#729
Why don’t the enemies of the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles just flip them on their backs?
#714
What do you call an Amish guy with his hand up a horse’s butt?
A mechanic!
#893
How did Darth Vader know what Luke got him for Christmas?
He felt his presents
#665
What’s E.T. short for?
He’s got little legs
#371
My dad said, always leave them wanting more.
Ironically, that’s how he lost his job in disaster relief.
#878
What type of bears live in the north and south poles?
Bi-polar
#518
We need a 12-step group for compulsive talkers. They could call it On Anon Anon.
#512
If tomatoes are technically a fruit, is ketchup technically a smoothie?
#832
My wife said “Black really is slimming on you, you’ve never looked sexier”.
I said “Turn the light back on”.
#347
My wife says I’m immature. I told her to get out of my fort
#200
Don’t fart in an apple store, there’s no windows!
#368
I hate those stupid little Russian nesting dolls
they’re so full of themselves
#419
How does a whale defend itself?
With a swordfish
#508
My speech today will be like a mini-skirt. Long enough to cover the essentials but short enough to hold your attention!
#47
Two peanuts walked down the street. One of them was a salted