How do crazy people go through the forest? They take the physco path.

A magician walks down an alley and turns into a bar

What do you call a bee that lives in America? A USB

Claustrophobic people are more productive thinking out of the box.

My dad used to say “Always fight fire with fire.” Probably explains why he was thrown out of the fire brigade

I got banned from a secret cooking society for spilling the beans

I used to have a job at a calendar factory but I got the sack because I took a couple of days off

Thanks for explaining the word “many” to me, it means a lot

Don’t fart in an apple store, there’s no windows!

My speech today will be like a mini-skirt. Long enough to cover the essentials but short enough to hold your attention!

It’s better to have a bottle in front of me, than a frontal lobotomy.

In any argument, a wife has the last word. Anything the husband says after that last word is the beginning of a new argument.

What is the difference between snowmen and snowwomen? Snowballs.

I told my wife I was going to make a bike out of spaghetti. She couldn’t believe it when I rode pasta.

Why was the thermometer smarter than the graduated cylinder?
He had more degrees

Working in a mirror factory is something I can totally see myself doing

For a short while, my uncle was a world famous chainsaw juggler. But not for being good at it. I miss uncle Stump.

How many Freudians does it take to change a light bulb? Sex.