I said to a mate, “What’s your pet hate?”
He said, “He doesn’t like it when the vet puts a thermometer up his butt”.


My doctor took one look at my gut and refused to believe that I work out. So I listed the exercises I do every day: jump to conclusions, climb the walls, drag my heels, push my luck, make mountains out of molehills, bend over backward, run around in circles, put my foot in my mouth, go over the edge, and beat around the bush.


I just deleted all the German names off my phone. It’s Hans free


I burnt My Hawaiian pizza today…

I should’ve cooked it on aloha temperature


Why don’t the enemies of the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles just flip them on their backs?


What do you call an Amish guy with his hand up a horse’s butt?
A mechanic!


How did Darth Vader know what Luke got him for Christmas?
He felt his presents


My dad said, always leave them wanting more.
Ironically, that’s how he lost his job in disaster relief.


What type of bears live in the north and south poles?


We need a 12-step group for compulsive talkers. They could call it On Anon Anon.


If tomatoes are technically a fruit, is ketchup technically a smoothie?


My wife said “Black really is slimming on you, you’ve never looked sexier”.
I said “Turn the light back on”.


My wife says I’m immature. I told her to get out of my fort


I hate those stupid little Russian nesting dolls

they’re so full of themselves


My speech today will be like a mini-skirt. Long enough to cover the essentials but short enough to hold your attention!


Two peanuts walked down the street. One of them was a salted

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