I was in a bar when a waitress shouted “ANYONE KNOW CPR?”
I said “I know the whole alphabet!”.
Everyone laughed, except this one guy.

I got into a fight with my boner this morning. Don’t worry, I beat it single handedly

My friend recently got crushed by a pile of books, but he’s only got his shelf to blame.

A steak pun is a rare medium well done

Care to seduce a large woman?
Piece of cake!

Velociraptor = Distance raptor / Time raptor

Lets have a toast for the bread winners!

Your mammas not fat. She’s just… easier to see

If procrastionation was an Olympic sport, I’d compete in it later.

My dad suggested I register for a donor card. He’s a man after my own heart

What kind of bees make milk?
Boobies

I’m close friends with 25 letters of the alphabet, I don’t know y

Did you hear about the cross eyed teacher?
Couldn’t control his pupils

My wife was in labor with our first child when suddenly she began to shout, “Shouldn’t, couldn’t, wouldn’t, didn’t, can’t!”

“Doc, what’s wrong with my wife?” I asked.

“Nothing” he said. “She’s just having contractions.”

What do you get when giraffes collide?
A giraffic jam

What did Batman say to Robin before they got in the batmobile?
“Get in the batmobile”

Hung a picture up on the wall the other day. Nailed it.

A magician walks down an alley and turns into a bar

The funeral for the man who invented Chinese whispers will be held on Monday. Pass it on.