Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocaine during a root canal? His goal: transcend dental medication

Why dont blind people skydive? Because it scares the crap out of their dogs.

“Whenever we drive past a graveyard my dad says, ‘Do you know why I can’t be buried there?’ And we all say, ‘Why not?’ And he says, ‘Because I’m not dead yet!’”

I was lonely so I bought some shares. It’s nice to have a bit of company

An old man threw out his hip.. What a waist

What do you call a sketchy Italian neighbourhood?
A Spaghetto

What do you get when a cow jumps over a barbed wire fence? An udder disaster.

A plateau is the highest form of flattery

White boards are remarkable

When an employment application asks who is to be notified in case of emergency, I always write, “A very good doctor”

What has four letters

People who sometimes use the wrong words should have the humidity to admit it.

Someone stole my toilet and the police have nothing to go on.

I’d like to thank the girl with no sports bra who ran with me through the last few miles of yesterday’s marathon.

Your lack of support got me through

When a woman says “what!?” it’s not because she didn’t hear you. She’s just giving you a chance to change what you said

Yesterday I saw a keyboard with some missing keys. It ended up killing itself because it lacked self-Ctrl.

What to say to a hitch-hiker with just one leg? Hop in.

Last night me and my wife watched three DVDs back to back. Luckily I was the one facing the TV.

I can only tell you a bad chemistry joke because all the good ones Argon

I’m terrified of elevators, and I’m taking steps to avoid them