How do crazy people go through the forest? They take the physco path.

My neighbor is in the Guinness World Records. He has had 44 concussions. He lives very close to me. A stone’s throw away, in fact.

What does Kim Kardashian use to fix holes?

Sex tape

I used to be a lifeguard, but this blue kid got me fired.

I just read a book about Stockholm syndrome. It was pretty bad at first but by the end I kinda liked it

Why do blondes tip-toe past medicine cabinets?
So they don’t wake up the sleeping pills

Support bacteria – they’re the only culture some people have.

Waking up this morning was an eye-opening experience

My boss told me I intimidate my coworkers so I just stared at him until he apologised

What do a nearsighted gynecologist and a puppy have in common? A wet nose.

I’d like to thank the girl with no sports bra who ran with me through the last few miles of yesterday’s marathon.

Your lack of support got me through

A naked man broke into a church. The police chased him around and finally caught him by the organ.

What do you do if a blonde throws a grenade at you? Pull the pin and throw it back.

A dyslexic devil worshipper sold his soul to Santa

Why did Humpty Dumpty push his girlfriend off the wall? So he could see her crack!

When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, that’s amore.

When you swim in a creek and an eel bites your cheek, that’s a moray.

What do people wear in a trench? Trench coats.