Thieves had broken into my house and stolen everything except my soap, shower gel, towels and deodorant.
Dirty Bastards.

I had an argument with one of the seven dwarfs. He wasn’t happy

If pronouncing my b’s as v’s makes me sound Russian, then soviet.

Why shouldn’t you make fun of a paleontologist? Because you will get Jurasskicked.

Frankly, auto correct, I’m getting tired of your shirt.

If two vegans have an argument is it still beef?

The seven dwarfs were in the bath feeling happy so he got out.

Can a woman make you a millionaire?
Yes, if you’re a billionaire

Yesterday, I fell down from a 10 meter ladder. Thank God I was on the third step.

Fixing broken windows is a pane in the glass.

What do you call a fake noodle? An Impasta

What do you call a cow with no legs?
Ground beef

I hate those stupid little Russian nesting dolls

they’re so full of themselves

I wanted to watch the world origami championship on TV but it was only on paper view.

Our cat was just sick on the carpet. I don’t think its feline well.

I swear to drunk I’m not god but seriously, stay in drugs, eat school and don’t do vegetables

What do you call a fat psychic? A four-chin teller.

When my blonde neighbour asked me if I knew about items missing from her clothesline I nearly wet her pants.

A termite walks into a bar and says “where’s the bar tender”