I was walking my dog through the cemetery when I saw a guy crouching behind a gravestone.
I said “Morning”. He said, “No, just having a sh**”.

I knew a guy who collected candy canes, they were all in mint condition.

Why did Santa’s helper get depressed?
He had low elf esteem

What is the first thing Santa’s elves have to learn?
The Elfabet

One of the elves left the North Pole to join a gang and sell drugs.
He’s a rebel without a Claus

What do you call somebody with body and just a nose? Nobody nose!

What does a baby computer call his dad?
Data

How did Darth Vader know what Luke got him for Christmas?
He felt his presents

Why didn’t the vampire attack Taylor Swift?
She had Bad Blood

Why do chemists like nitrates so much?
They’re cheaper than day rates.

What do you call a snobbish prisoner going down the stairs?
A condescending con descending

I bought a ceiling fan the other day. Complete waste of money. He just stands there applauding and saying “Ooh, I love how smooth it is”

I miss my umbilical cord. Must have grown attached to it

An old man threw out his hip.. What a waist

What do you call a gay milkman? A Dairy Queen

A horse walks into a bar. Several patrons get up and leave as they recognise the potential danger in the situation

What was Helen Keller’s favourite colour?
Velcro

I don’t get people who stumble into mirrors. They need to watch themselves.

I got a photo with R.E.M
That’s me in the corner

If towels could tell jokes they would probably have a dry sense of humor.