My ex-wife is standing at the opposite end of the museum from me. I want to say hello but there’s just too much history between us.

Today I saw a golf buggy parked in a disabled bay and thought to myself, “I wonder what his handicap is?”

Adult: Someone who has stopped growing at both ends and now grows in the middle.

Me: Mmm, you’ve dimmed the lights. I like where this is going.
Optometrist: Just read the letters on the screen.

What sits at the bottom of the ocean shivering?
A nervous wreck

My first job was working in an orange juice factory, but I got canned: couldn’t concentrate.

A naked man broke into a church. The police chased him around and finally caught him by the organ.

Why can’t you take inventory in Afghanistan?
Because of the tally ban

I wonder how many chameleons snuck onto Noah’s Ark

Support bacteria – they’re the only culture some people have.

What did the tree say to autumn? Leaf me alone.

What do you call a pastry with diamonds? A stud muffin

When I was a child my father attacked me with cameras.
I still have flashbacks

What do you call dental x-rays?
Tooth pics

Why did everyone want to hang out with the mushroom? Because he was a fungi.

What do you call a guy covered in leaves?
Russell

Someone threw a bottle of Omega-3 pills at me. Luckily, my injuries were only super fish oil.

There’s a new shaver designed for dyslexics.
It’s the best thing since sliced beard.

I used to be a lifeguard, but this blue kid got me fired.

If two vegans have an argument is it still beef?