#736

Build a man a fire, and he’ll be warm for a day. Set a man on fire, and he’ll be warm for the rest of his life.

#139

I told my wife she drew her eyebrows on too high. She looked surprised.

#514

The Lord of the Rings is basically about a group that spends nine hours returning jewellery

#216

Why does a chicken coop have 2 doors?

Because if it had 4 doors it would be called chicken sedan.

#757

My cross-eyed wife and I just got a divorce. We didn’t see eye to eye. I also found out she was seeing someone on the side.

#379

Shout out to my grandma…
That’s the only way she can hear

#81

One day I was at a park wondering why does a frisbee keep looking bigger the closer it gets to you. Then it hit me

#575

What did the NSA analyst say to his co-worker when their female colleague walked past?
“I’d tap that”

#799

Dad: Son, I don’t think you’re cut out to be a mime artist
Son: Was it something I said?
Dad: Yes

#153

I stayed up all night to find out where the sun went, then it dawned on me…

#487

My wife and I always compromise. I admit I’m wrong and she agrees with me.

#750

You know mountains aren’t just funny, they are hill areas

#76

When I get naked in the bathroom, the shower usually gets turned on.

#327

There was a big paddle sale at the boat store.
It was quite an oar deal.

#585

How do you get down from an elephant?
You don’t. You get down from a goose

#427

Why couldn’t the toilet paper cross the road?
It got stuck in a crack

#311

I’m not a fan of the new pound coin, but then again, I hate all change.

#864

I’m having an introvert party and you’re all not invited.

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