#736
Build a man a fire, and he’ll be warm for a day. Set a man on fire, and he’ll be warm for the rest of his life.
Build a man a fire, and he’ll be warm for a day. Set a man on fire, and he’ll be warm for the rest of his life.
I told my wife she drew her eyebrows on too high. She looked surprised.
The Lord of the Rings is basically about a group that spends nine hours returning jewellery
What does Batman put in his drink?
Just Ice
Why does a chicken coop have 2 doors?
Because if it had 4 doors it would be called chicken sedan.
My cross-eyed wife and I just got a divorce. We didn’t see eye to eye. I also found out she was seeing someone on the side.
Shout out to my grandma…
That’s the only way she can hear
One day I was at a park wondering why does a frisbee keep looking bigger the closer it gets to you. Then it hit me
What did the NSA analyst say to his co-worker when their female colleague walked past?
“I’d tap that”
Dad: Son, I don’t think you’re cut out to be a mime artist
Son: Was it something I said?
Dad: Yes
I stayed up all night to find out where the sun went, then it dawned on me…
My wife and I always compromise. I admit I’m wrong and she agrees with me.
You know mountains aren’t just funny, they are hill areas
When I get naked in the bathroom, the shower usually gets turned on.
There was a big paddle sale at the boat store.
It was quite an oar deal.
What do mermaids use to clean their fins?
Tide
How do you get down from an elephant?
You don’t. You get down from a goose
Why couldn’t the toilet paper cross the road?
It got stuck in a crack
I’m not a fan of the new pound coin, but then again, I hate all change.
I’m having an introvert party and you’re all not invited.