#840

Are they chopsticks in your pocket are you just happy sashimi?

#446

My wife says I can join your gang but I have to be home by 9.

#232

At breakfast this morning, my wife said she’s leaving me because of my obsession with Twitter.

I almost choked on my #Brown.

#540

A philosopher says to a linguist “What if, instead of periods, women had apostrophes?”

The linguist replied, “They’d be more possessive and have more frequent contractions.”

#238

Let’s hope the new Jurassic world movie isn’t a train Rex of a film.

#577

Heard about the new restaurant called Karma?
There’s no menu – you get what you deserve

#131

I’ve just found out one of my mates works as a mime artist. He’s kept that quiet.

#70

Two goldfish are in a tank. One says to the other, “do you know how to drive this thing?”

#750

You know mountains aren’t just funny, they are hill areas

#175

Why did the pig stop sunbathing? He was bacon in the heat

#608

What do you call a Mexican with a vasectomy?
A dry Martinez

#139

I told my wife she drew her eyebrows on too high. She looked surprised.

#649

Why did Barbie never get pregnant?
Because Ken always came in another box.

#218

Arguing with my wife is like reading the software licencing agreement. In the end, you ignore everything and click “I agree”.

#354

Sometimes I tuck my knees into my chest and lean forward. That’s just how I roll.

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