I bought some shoes from a drug dealer. I don’t know what he laced them with, but I’ve been tripping all day.

I can guess your blood type.
Its Red.

I’m not a fan of the new pound coin, but then again, I hate all change.

There are three kinds of people: Those who can count and those who can’t.

I have a fear of speed bumps, but I’m slowly getting over it

I poured root beer into a square glass.
Now I just have beer

What is the difference between ignorance and apathy? I don’t know, and I don’t care.

What did the cannibal do after dumping his girlfriend? He wiped his bum.

I like to imagine the guy who invented the umbrella was going to call it the ‘brella’. But he hesitated.

I asked my North Korean friend how it was there, he said he couldn’t complain

They should make a Minecraft movie, it would be a blockbuster!

My annual performance review says I lack “passion & intensity”, guess management hasn’t seen me alone with a Big Mac.

They say make up sex is the best…
Which is lucky, because all my sex is made up.

My dad used to say “Always fight fire with fire.” Probably explains why he was thrown out of the fire brigade

There are so many scams on the Internet these days…. but for $19.95 I can show you how to avoid them.

Why did the Mexican throw his wife off a bridge?
Tequila

I haven’t slept for three days, because that would be too long.

When life gives you melons, you’re probably dyslexic.

I got banned from the secret cooking society… For spilling the beans.