Build a man a fire, and he’ll be warm for a day. Set a man on fire, and he’ll be warm for the rest of his life.

I told my wife she drew her eyebrows on too high. She looked surprised.

The Lord of the Rings is basically about a group that spends nine hours returning jewellery

What does Batman put in his drink?

Just Ice

Why does a chicken coop have 2 doors?

Because if it had 4 doors it would be called chicken sedan.

My cross-eyed wife and I just got a divorce. We didn’t see eye to eye. I also found out she was seeing someone on the side.

Shout out to my grandma…
That’s the only way she can hear

One day I was at a park wondering why does a frisbee keep looking bigger the closer it gets to you. Then it hit me

What did the NSA analyst say to his co-worker when their female colleague walked past?
“I’d tap that”

I stayed up all night to find out where the sun went, then it dawned on me…

My wife and I always compromise. I admit I’m wrong and she agrees with me.

You know mountains aren’t just funny, they are hill areas

When I get naked in the bathroom, the shower usually gets turned on.

There was a big paddle sale at the boat store.
It was quite an oar deal.

How do you get down from an elephant?
You don’t. You get down from a goose

Why couldn’t the toilet paper cross the road?
It got stuck in a crack

I’m not a fan of the new pound coin, but then again, I hate all change.

I’m having an introvert party and you’re all not invited.