If two vegans have an argument is it still beef?

My wife says I can join your gang but I have to be home by 9.

Where do pencils go on vacation? Pencilvania

Nobody’s perfect. I’m a nobody.

At breakfast this morning, my wife said she’s leaving me because of my obsession with Twitter.

I almost choked on my #Brown.

A philosopher says to a linguist “What if, instead of periods, women had apostrophes?”

The linguist replied, “They’d be more possessive and have more frequent contractions.”

Let’s hope the new Jurassic world movie isn’t a train Rex of a film.

Heard about the new restaurant called Karma?
There’s no menu – you get what you deserve

I’ve just found out one of my mates works as a mime artist. He’s kept that quiet.

Two goldfish are in a tank. One says to the other, “do you know how to drive this thing?”

You know mountains aren’t just funny, they are hill areas

Why did the pig stop sunbathing? He was bacon in the heat

What’s orange and sounds like a parrot?
A carrot

I broke a can opener. It’s a can’t opener now.

What do you call a Mexican with a vasectomy?
A dry Martinez

I told my wife she drew her eyebrows on too high. She looked surprised.

Why did Barbie never get pregnant?
Because Ken always came in another box.

Arguing with my wife is like reading the software licencing agreement. In the end, you ignore everything and click “I agree”.

Sometimes I tuck my knees into my chest and lean forward. That’s just how I roll.