A Roman walks into a bar, sticks two fingers up to the barman and says, “Five beers please.”

An SEO guy walks into a bar, pub, inn, tavern, hotel, public house, brew house, beer hall, bodega, izakaya

What do squirrels give for Valentine’s Day? Forget-me-nuts.

“It’s a boy!” I shouted, tears rolling down my face. “I don’t believe it. A boy!” And at that moment I decided I’d never visit Thailand again.

Where did Mary go after the explosion?
Everywhere

I called the vet to complain about a bill. He just put the phone down. As quickly and humanely as possible.

What do you call a woman with no legs? Nolene

Did you hear about the theme park ride made entirely out of iron?
It was a ferrous wheel

People who sometimes use the wrong words should have the humidity to admit it.

The first rule of Alzheimer’s club, is don’t talk about chess club

Did you hear about the cheese factory that exploded in France? There was nothing left but de Brie.

I went to a busy pub last night dressed as a tennis ball.
I got served straight away.

Why do husbands die before their wives? They want to.

What is the first thing Santa’s elves have to learn?
The Elfabet

A bill collector came to my house the other day, so I gave him a huge stack of old bills

My mate had a terrible accident at work. He fell into an industrial grinder. He’s fine now.

As soon as the hospital made me put on one of those little gowns, I knew the end was in sight

Apparently I snore so loudly that it scares everyone in the car I’m driving

When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, that’s amore.

When you swim in a creek and an eel bites your cheek, that’s a moray.