My ex-wife is standing at the opposite end of the museum from me. I want to say hello but there’s just too much history between us.


Today I saw a golf buggy parked in a disabled bay and thought to myself, “I wonder what his handicap is?”


Adult: Someone who has stopped growing at both ends and now grows in the middle.


Me: Mmm, you’ve dimmed the lights. I like where this is going.
Optometrist: Just read the letters on the screen.


What sits at the bottom of the ocean shivering?
A nervous wreck


My first job was working in an orange juice factory, but I got canned: couldn’t concentrate.


A naked man broke into a church. The police chased him around and finally caught him by the organ.


Why can’t you take inventory in Afghanistan?
Because of the tally ban


Support bacteria – they’re the only culture some people have.


When I was a child my father attacked me with cameras.
I still have flashbacks


Why did everyone want to hang out with the mushroom? Because he was a fungi.


Someone threw a bottle of Omega-3 pills at me. Luckily, my injuries were only super fish oil.


There’s a new shaver designed for dyslexics.
It’s the best thing since sliced beard.


I used to be a lifeguard, but this blue kid got me fired.

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