How do you find Will Smith in the snow?
You look for the fresh prints

Interviewer: “So how long were you employed in your last job?”
Me: “I’d say my biggest weakness is my listening skills.”

A horse walks into a bar, across the room, up the back wall, across the ceiling, down the front wall and then up to the bar. The bartender gives the horse a beer, he drinks it and leaves. A guy sitting at the bar looks perplexed and asks the bartender “Hey, what’s that all about?” The bartender replies, “Don’t take it personally, he never says ‘Hi’ to anyone.”

How do Mexicans stay warm in winter? Fajitas

My wife’s mad because I paid for my dope out of our joint account. I thought that was why we had it.

What do dinosaurs pay their bills with?
Tyrannosaurus Cheques

I’m in awe. My buddy just used a snail as a key to start up his sedan…

It made escargot.

I’ve recently quit my job as a butler.

I refuse to be ordered around in that manor.

There are 2 rules for success:
1. Don’t tell all you know.

White boards are remarkable

What do you call a gay milkman? A Dairy Queen

My girlfriend and I often laugh about how competitive we are. But I laugh more.

My ex-wife has lessons with the devil on how to be more evil. I don’t know what she charges him.

Does a dolphin ever do something by accident? No, they do everything on porpoise.

What’s the worst vegetable to eat on a boat?
Leek

You used asbestos in that wall?
That was asbestos I could do.

I dreamt I wrote the Hobbit the other night. I think I was Tolkien in my sleep.

I dreamt I was swimming in an orange ocean last night. It was just a Fanta sea

I got called pretty yesterday and it felt good!

Actually, the full sentence was “you’re pretty annoying” but I’m choosing to focus on the positive

I broke my finger last week. On the other hand, I’m okay