Times New Roman walks into a bar. The barman says “Get out of here! We don’t serve your type.”

I think they picked me for my motivational skills. Everyone always says they have to work twice as hard when I’m around!

People who sometimes use the wrong words should have the humidity to admit it.

37 consonants, 25 vowels, a question mark, and a comma went to court.
They will be sentenced next Friday.

i thought i got a type a in blood test but it was actually a typ-o

My wife is leaving me because I’m going bald.

I’m not bothered, it’s hair loss.

I’m here for whatever you need me to do… from the couch.

Got a new job as a hostage negotiator. Tried to ring in sick but they talked me out of it.

Nothing makes me more suspicious than an unsolicited compliment.

What do you call a bee that lives in America? A USB

A friend of mine tried to annoy me with bird puns, but I soon realized that toucan play at that game.

A lot of people are afraid of heights. Not me, I’m afraid of widths.

Cats spend two thirds of their lives sleeping, and the other third making viral videos.

What do you call a Far Eastern monk who sells reincarnations?
A used karma dealer

A woman goes into a bar and asks for a “double entendre”. So the bartender gave her one.

Just got sacked from my job as a dishwasher. I kept putting the plates and bowls in the wrong order. The boss reckons I am dishlexic.

What do you call people who are afraid of Santa Claus? Claustrophobic

Lets have a toast for the bread winners!

If iron man and the silver surfer team up, they’ll be alloys