#317

I just deleted all the German names off my phone. It’s Hans free

#466

Ice hockey is basically just guys wearing knife shoes fighting each other with long sticks for the last Oreo.

#135

My mate’s sex change operation from male to female went very well.
They did such a good job he’s still trying to reverse out of the hospital car park.

#38

There are only 10 types of people in the world: those who understand binary and those who don’t

#190

What is the difference between ignorance and apathy? I don’t know, and I don’t care.

#21

People used to laugh at me when I would say “I want to be a comedian”, well nobody’s laughing now.

#430

Whenever I pass someone texting and driving, I throw my beer at their window

#125

My party trick is swallowing two peices of string and an hour later they come out of my arse tied together. I shit you knot.

#174

If you could rehydrate those raisins, that’d be grapes.

#293

Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocaine during a root canal? His goal: transcend dental medication

#729

Why don’t the enemies of the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles just flip them on their backs?

#398

What’s the difference between a dirty bus stop and a lobster with breast implants?

One’s a crusty bus station and the other a busty crustacean

#256

Why did Humpty Dumpty push his girlfriend off the wall? So he could see her crack!

#797

My dad always used to say “The sky’s the limit!”
Which is probably why he got fired from his job at NASA

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