My wife said that if I don’t get off my computer and do the dishes she’ll slam my head on the keyboard, but I think she’s jokinfjreoiwjrtwe4to8rkljreun8f4ny84c8y4t58lym4wthylmhawt4mylt4amlathnatyn

Two birds are sitting on a perch and one says “Do you smell fish?”

I was lonely so I bought some shares. It’s nice to have a bit of company

What’s brown and sounds like a bell? Dung!

My colleague can no longer attend next weeks Innuendo Seminar so I have to fill her slot instead.

I got into a fight with my boner this morning. Don’t worry, I beat it single handedly

My grandfather has the heart of a lion.
And a lifetime ban from the zoo

They say make up sex is the best…
Which is lucky, because all my sex is made up.

What kind of train eats a lot?
A chew chew train

What do you call people who are afraid of Santa Claus? Claustrophobic

Where do fish work? The offish.

This weight loss website wants me to accept cookies. Hmm…

There was a snake crossing a highway and a truck ran over its ass. The snake went back to get its ass and a truck ran over its head. The moral of the story is, “Don’t lose your head over a piece of ass.”

For a period, Houdini used a trap door in every single show he did…I guess you could say it was a stage he was going through

What do you call a guy with a car on his head?
Jack

My dad used to say “Always fight fire with fire.” Probably explains why he was thrown out of the fire brigade

Whenever I pass someone texting and driving, I throw my beer at their window

Several guys are sitting around having a drink and one guy says “My wife’s an angel” another guy says “Your lucky, mines still alive.”

Just burned 2,000 calories. That’s the last time I leave brownies in the oven while I nap.