I just deleted all the German names off my phone. It’s Hans free


Ice hockey is basically just guys wearing knife shoes fighting each other with long sticks for the last Oreo.


My mate’s sex change operation from male to female went very well.
They did such a good job he’s still trying to reverse out of the hospital car park.


There are only 10 types of people in the world: those who understand binary and those who don’t


What is the difference between ignorance and apathy? I don’t know, and I don’t care.


People used to laugh at me when I would say “I want to be a comedian”, well nobody’s laughing now.


Whenever I pass someone texting and driving, I throw my beer at their window


My party trick is swallowing two peices of string and an hour later they come out of my arse tied together. I shit you knot.


If you could rehydrate those raisins, that’d be grapes.


Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocaine during a root canal? His goal: transcend dental medication


Why don’t the enemies of the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles just flip them on their backs?


What’s the difference between a dirty bus stop and a lobster with breast implants?

One’s a crusty bus station and the other a busty crustacean


Why did Humpty Dumpty push his girlfriend off the wall? So he could see her crack!


My dad always used to say “The sky’s the limit!”
Which is probably why he got fired from his job at NASA

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