Light travels faster than sound. That’s why some people appear quite bright – until you hear them talk.

The thing about dwarfs and midgets is that they have very little in common

What do you call a pastry with diamonds? A stud muffin

What do you call a fat psychic? A four-chin teller.

What do you call a fly with no wings?
A walk

I bought some shoes from a drug dealer. I don’t know what he laced them with, but I’ve been tripping all day.

A jumper cable walked into a bar, the bartender said “I’ll serve you, but don’t start anything!”

Why should you never trust a train?
They have loco motives

I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather.
not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.

What’s the difference between a hippo and a Zippo?
One’s really heavy and the other is a little lighter

What did the hat say to the hat rack?
You stay here I’m going on a head

Once I found out masturbating was an addiction, I just knew that I had no choice but to beat it.

What to say to a hitch-hiker with just one leg? Hop in.

Why do seagulls fly over the sea? Because if they flew over the bay, they’d be called bagels

I was mugged by an acupuncturist yesterday – the mongrel stabbed me 236 times.
Mind you, when I woke up this morning I felt amazing.

What do you call a woman with no legs? Nolene

I used to think I was indecisive, but now I’m not too sure

Two men broke into a drugstore and stole all the Viagra. The police put out an alert to be on the lookout for the two hardened criminals