I used to think I was indecisive, but now I’m not too sure

PMS jokes aren’t funny. Period.

My friend David lost his ID.

So now I call him Dav.

Why dont blind people skydive? Because it scares the crap out of their dogs.

I only trust people who like big butts. They cannot lie.

My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance. We’ll see about that.

What did one lumber jack say to another lumber jack?
“I need to axe you a question”

I have kleptomania, but when it gets bad I take something for it

At any given moment the urge to sing, “The Lion Sleeps Tonight” is just a whim away. A whim away. A whim away.

What do you call a man with no arms and no legs lying in your fireplace?
Bernie

“You haven’t listened to a word I’ve said, have you?” always seems like a strange way for my wife to start a conversation.

Who is the best king fu vegetable?
Brocc Lee

My budgie broke his leg so I made him a tiny splint out of a couple of matches. His little face lit up when he tried to walk.

An English man, an Irish man and an Italian walk into a bar. The bartender says “is this a joke?”

An opinion without 3.14159 is just an onion.

When I think of books, I touch my shelf.