What’s long and hard and has cum in it?
A cucumber

My dad was dyslexic. Whenever I swore when growing up, he’d wash my mouth out with soup.

Why do blonde girls walk in groups of odd numbers? Because they can’t even!

Face is a four letter word. But preface is a foreword letter.

What’s the opposite of Christopher Reeve?
Christopher Walken

Did you hear about the fire at the shoe factory? It was a real tragedy, 100 soles were lost.

Relationships between men and women is psychological.
She is psycho and he is logical.

Yesterday, I fell down from a 10 meter ladder. Thank God I was on the third step.

I would lose weight, but I hate losing.

It’s hard to explain puns to kleptomaniacs because they always take things literally!

Why did the scarecrow win an award? Because he was outstanding in his field.

A lot of people are afraid of heights. Not me, I’m afraid of widths.

What do you call a guy no arms no legs in the mail box? Bill.

If you’re looking for quality, never buy fireworks from a guy with more than seven fingers.

Puts the car into reverse.
“Ah, this takes me back”

A horse walks into a bar. Several patrons get up and leave as they recognise the potential danger in the situation

My mate had a terrible accident a while ago. He fell into an Upholstering Machine.

He’s fully recovered now though.

He’s street smart. Sesame Street smart.

White boards are remarkable

My party trick is swallowing two peices of string and an hour later they come out of my arse tied together. I shit you knot.