Dad: Did you hear about the Orca at Sea World?
Son: Nope.
Dad: You didn’t? Oh whale.


Welcome to Plastic Surgery Addicts Anonymous. I’m seeing a lot of new faces in the crowd this week and I have to say I’m really disappointed.


What do you get when you cross a dyslexic, an insomniac, and an agnostic?
Someone who lays awake at night wondering if there is a dog.


My ex-wife is standing at the opposite end of the museum from me. I want to say hello but there’s just too much history between us.


I am frustrated than a dragon trying to blow out candles.


A man is being arrested by a female police officer, who informs him, “Anything you say can and will be held against you.” The man replies, “Boobs!”


I’m having an introvert party and you’re all not invited.


What kind of lights did Noah use for his ark?


If canola oil comes from canola, where does baby oil come from?


The thing about dwarfs and midgets is that they have very little in common


Why can’t you hear a pterodactyl in the toilet? Because it has a silent p


Queue is just Q followed by four silent letters waiting their turn


I only trust people who like big butts. They cannot lie.

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