#820

What did the cleaner say as he jumped out of the closet?
SUPPLIES!

#637

Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
-Librarians arguing

#508

My speech today will be like a mini-skirt. Long enough to cover the essentials but short enough to hold your attention!

#448

Behind every angry woman is man who has absolutely no idea what he did wrong

#588

When I was a child my father attacked me with cameras.
I still have flashbacks

#819

Wish I was a dolphin. Then I’d have a porpoise in life

#890

What do you call a snobbish prisoner going down the stairs?
A condescending con descending

#423

When does a sandwich cook?
When it’s bakin lettuce and tomato

#652

So this guy with a premature ejaculation problem comes out of nowhere

#543

It’s hard to explain puns to kleptomaniacs because they always take things literally!

#92

I tried walking up a hill without a watch but had neither the time nor the inclination.

#183

There was a prison break and I saw a midget climb up the fence. As he jumped down her sneered at me and I thought, well that’s a little condescending.

#835

I said to a mate, “What’s your pet hate?”
He said, “He doesn’t like it when the vet puts a thermometer up his butt”.

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