My wife broke up with me because of my gambling. All I can think of is how to win her back.

My dad always told me “Don’t be quick to find faults”.
Good man, terrible geologist.

I’m so introverted I won’t even talk to myself.

“Whenever we drive past a graveyard my dad says, ‘Do you know why I can’t be buried there?’ And we all say, ‘Why not?’ And he says, ‘Because I’m not dead yet!’”

What’s the importance of capitalization? You can either help your Uncle Jack off a horse or help your uncle jack off a horse

My wife isn’t talking to me because apparently I ruined her birthday.
I’m not sure how I did that – I didn’t even know it was her birthday

The Man Who Created Autocorrect Has Died. Resturant In Peace.

How do you fix a broken pumpkin? With a pumpkin patch.

Some cause happiness wherever they go; others whenever they go.

Broken Guitar for sale.
No strings attached

When you have a bladder infection, urine trouble

How much did it cost for the pirate to get his ears pierced?.

A buccaneer

What do you call a cow that just gave birth?
Decalfeinated.

My budgie broke his leg so I made him a tiny splint out of a couple of matches. His little face lit up when he tried to walk.

What cheese can never be yours? Nacho cheese