Claustrophobic people are more productive thinking out of the box.

You know mountains aren’t just funny, they are hill areas

Yo mamma is so fat that when she sat on a laptop, the hardware turned into software!

Two dyslexics walk into a bra…

A termite walks into a bar and says “where’s the bar tender”

To the optimist, the glass is half full. To the pessimist, the glass is half empty. To the engineer, the glass is twice as big as it needs to be.

Just burned 2,000 calories. That’s the last time I leave brownies in the oven while I nap.

I used to think I was indecisive, but now I’m not too sure

My wife is complaining that I never buy her jewellery. To be fair, I didn’t even know she sold jewellery.

My cousin drowned. At his funeral we laid a life jacket on his coffin.
It’s what he would have wanted.

I broke my finger last week. On the other hand, I’m okay

What’s the definition of a will? (It’s a dead giveaway)

No matter how much you push the envelope, it’ll still be stationery.

Did you hear about the theme park ride made entirely out of iron?
It was a ferrous wheel

A woman’s mind is cleaner than a man’s: She changes it more often.

My dad always told me “Don’t be quick to find faults”.
Good man, terrible geologist.