A jumper cable walked into a bar, the bartender said “I’ll serve you, but don’t start anything!”

My friend dug a hole in the garden and filled it with water. I think he meant well.

If iron man and the silver surfer team up, they’ll be alloys

How do you drown a hipster?
Throw him into the mainstream

My wife’s mad because I paid for my dope out of our joint account. I thought that was why we had it.

Someone told me my clothes looked gay..
They did come out of the closet this morning.

A termite walks into a bar and says “where’s the bar tender”

A man who loves Sherlock Holmes novels and puns names his dog Furlock. One day, he takes his dog out to town with him and stops in a little boutique. He brings his dog in with him and tries on a shirt. To his dismay, it isn’t the right size. He looks at his dog and says “No fit, Furlock.“

A friend of mine tried to annoy me with bird puns, but I soon realized that toucan play at that game.

I’m not lazy… I’m just on my energy saving mode.

Nothing makes me more suspicious than an unsolicited compliment.

What did the tree say to autumn? Leaf me alone.

Atheists don’t solve exponential equations because they don’t believe in higher powers.

The first 5 days after the weekend are the hardest

How did the farmer find his wife?

He tractor down.

Which dinosaur knew the most words?
The thesaurus.