If procrastionation was an Olympic sport, I’d compete in it later.

I never wanted to believe that my Dad was stealing from his job as a road worker. But when I got home, all the signs were there.

Women sometimes make fools of men, but most guys are the do-it-yourself type.

It’s been 2 days since I’ve had McDonald’s, I’m getting the shakes… and the fries.

Adult: Someone who has stopped growing at both ends and now grows in the middle.

My wife left me because I sold her wheelchair. I knew she’d come crawling back

PMS should just be called ovary-acting

You know what often gets overlooked? Fences.

What do you call a cow with no legs?
Ground beef

I work in a library. Literally, all we do is judge books by their covers.

Where are average things manufactured?
The satisfactory

What do you call an academically successful slice of bread? An honor roll.

Care to seduce a large woman?
Piece of cake!

What’s the opposite of Christopher Reeve?
Christopher Walken

What’s the difference between a dirty bus stop and a lobster with breast implants?

One’s a crusty bus station and the other a busty crustacean

There was a prison break and I saw a midget climb up the fence. As he jumped down her sneered at me and I thought, well that’s a little condescending.

Why did the blonde stare at frozen orange juice can for 2 hours? Because it said ‘concentrate’.