What do you call the security outside of a Samsung Store?
Guardians of the Galaxy.

Wanna hear a potassium joke?
K

What do you call an Amish guy with his hand up a horse’s butt?
A mechanic!

A woman goes into a bar and asks for a “double entendre”. So the bartender gave her one.

What do you call a woman with a toothpick up her butt?
Olive

I know Jiu-Jitsu, Sambo, Judo, Aikido and lots of other scary words.

What do you call a king’s fart?
Noble gas.

Just found the worst page in the entire dictionary. What I saw was disgraceful, disgusting, dishonest, and disingenuous.

This guy said to me: “I’m gonna attack you with the neck of my guitar.” I said: “Is that a fret?”

My budgie broke his leg so I made him a tiny splint out of a couple of matches. His little face lit up when he tried to walk.

My wife isn’t talking to me because apparently I ruined her birthday.
I’m not sure how I did that – I didn’t even know it was her birthday

An English man, an Irish man and an Italian walk into a bar. The bartender says “is this a joke?”

Behind every angry woman is man who has absolutely no idea what he did wrong

I called the vet to complain about a bill. He just put the phone down. As quickly and humanely as possible.

If towels could tell jokes they would probably have a dry sense of humor.

What was Helen Keller’s favourite colour?
Velcro

This guy just had a dangerous mole removed from the end of his penis. Definitely won’t be shagging one of those again

You know what often gets overlooked? Fences.

LSD causes users to lose weight. Obviously you can’t eat when a dragon is guarding the fridge