So after I won the game for our team I decided to throw the ball into the crowd like they do on T.V.
Apparently, that’s a no-no in bowling.

What do squirrels give for Valentine’s Day? Forget-me-nuts.

What did the bra say to the hat?
You go on a head I’m gonna give these two a lift

My wife was in labor with our first child when suddenly she began to shout, “Shouldn’t, couldn’t, wouldn’t, didn’t, can’t!”

“Doc, what’s wrong with my wife?” I asked.

“Nothing” he said. “She’s just having contractions.”

What do you call a bee with a low buzz?
A mumblebee

As soon as the hospital made me put on one of those little gowns, I knew the end was in sight

Arguing with my wife is like reading the software licencing agreement. In the end, you ignore everything and click “I agree”.

There’s no “i” in denial

What does cheese say when it sees itself in the mirror? Halloumi

What did the blanket say as it fell of the bed?
Oh sheet

Smoking will give you cancer.
Eating bacon will you give you cancer.
But for some reason, smoking bacon will cure it.

I saw a bishop the other day. Wondered why he wasn’t walking diagonally

Just found the worst page in the entire dictionary. What I saw was disgraceful, disgusting, dishonest, and disingenuous.

You’re not drunk if you can lie on the floor without holding on.

A small boy swallowed some coins and was taken to a hospital. When his grandmother telephoned to ask how he was a nurse said ‘No change yet’.

It’s bad luck to be superstitious.

It’s hard to explain puns to kleptomaniacs because they always take things literally!

You know it’s cold outside when you go outside and its cold