I don’t mind kids playing hopscotch in most places, but my driveway is where I draw the line.

Thank you student loans for getting me through university. I don’t think I could ever repay you

I hate gravity, it always gets me down

I don’t think it’s possible for me to become a sniper. Not by a long shot.

When does a sandwich cook?
When it’s bakin lettuce and tomato

The only dates I get these days are software updates

Did you hear about the guy who got hit in the head with a can of soda? He was lucky it was a soft drink.

What do you call the security outside of a Samsung Store?
Guardians of the Galaxy.

What do you call an alcoholic Vampire?
Drunkcula

What do you call a fat psychic? A four-chin teller.

I poured root beer into a square glass.
Now I just have beer

I told my doctor that I broke my arm in two places. He told me to stop going to those places.

I’m going on a blind date tonight. I hope our Labradors get on.

What did the cow say to her calf?
It’s pasture bed time

I am so poor I can’t even pay attention.

What do you call an academically successful slice of bread? An honor roll.

So this guy with a premature ejaculation problem comes out of nowhere

I may not be getting lucky tonight, but I’m definitely banging my snooze button in the morning.

No matter how much you push the envelope, it’ll still be stationery.