Did you hear about the chameleon that couldn’t change colour? He had a reptile dysfunction

Frankly, auto correct, I’m getting tired of your shirt.

A bear walked into a bar and says, “I’ll have a beer……and some of those peanuts.” The bartender says, “Why the big pause?”

Sometimes I tuck my knees into my chest and lean forward. That’s just how I roll.

It’d be frustrating if you seriously couldn’t find your friend Marco at a crowded swimming pool.

To the optimist, the glass is half full. To the pessimist, the glass is half empty. To the engineer, the glass is twice as big as it needs to be.

I asked my wife for “something Cuban” for my birthday, and she got me a Che Guevara shirt.

Clothes, but no cigar.

What do you call a wandering caveman? A meanderthal.

I was in a bar when a waitress shouted “ANYONE KNOW CPR?”
I said “I know the whole alphabet!”.
Everyone laughed, except this one guy.

What do you call a Far Eastern monk who sells reincarnations?
A used karma dealer

In any argument, a wife has the last word. Anything the husband says after that last word is the beginning of a new argument.

The roundest knight at king Arthur’s round table was Sir Cumference.

I eat my tacos over a Tortilla. That way when stuff falls out, BOOM, another taco.

Wouldn’t exercise be more fun if calories screamed while you burned them?

It’s a good thing farts aren’t contagious like yawns

My friend just got a job at the zoo, circumcising elephants. The pay isn’t great but he gets huge tips.

If towels could tell jokes they would probably have a dry sense of humor.

I once thanked a French guy to death. It was a merci killing.

What does a thesaurus eat for breakfast?
Synonym rolls

I used to have a job at a calendar factory but I got the sack because I took a couple of days off