An old man threw out his hip.. What a waist

I’m great at multitasking.
I can waste time, be unproductive and procrastinate all at once!

When I was a child my father attacked me with cameras.
I still have flashbacks

Say what you want about deaf people…

I just deleted all the German names off my phone. It’s Hans free

Today I saw a golf buggy parked in a disabled bay and thought to myself, “I wonder what his handicap is?”

I have a stepladder. Because my real ladder left when I was a kid

The police came to my house and asked where I was between 3 and 5 . I told them pre school.

What do you call an artist with a brown finger? Picassole

I just wrote a book on reverse psychology. Do *not* read it!

NSA Pickup Line #1:
Did you fall from heaven?
Because there’s no tracking data on how you arrived at this location

What kind of currency do chickens use? Bock bucks

What do you call a pig with three eyes?
A Piiig…

I bought a dog off a blacksmith today.
As soon as I got it home it made a bolt for the door.

I really hate those people who knock at your door and tell you how you need to be ‘saved’ or you’ll ‘burn.’
Stupid firemen.

I can totally keep secrets. It’s the people I tell them to that can’t.

Did you hear about the man who jumped off a bridge in France? He was in Sein.

I saw an ad for burial plots, and thought to myself this is the last thing I need.