Yo mamma is so fat that when she sat on a laptop, the hardware turned into software!

Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can’t have your kayak and heat it too.

There are plenty of fish in the sea but until you catch one you’re just stuck here holding your rod…

“Your finest Scotch, please.” “Yes, sir,” the guy at Officeworks says as he hands me a 12 year old roll of tape.

What does it take to make an octopus laugh?
Ten tickles

I bought some shoes from a drug dealer. I don’t know what he laced them with, but I’ve been tripping all day.

There are 2 rules for success:
1. Don’t tell all you know.

“Jesus loves you.”

A nice gesture in church.

A horrific thing to hear in a Mexican prison.

Clones are people two

Just got sacked from my job as a dishwasher. I kept putting the plates and bowls in the wrong order. The boss reckons I am dishlexic.

My wife was in labor with our first child when suddenly she began to shout, “Shouldn’t, couldn’t, wouldn’t, didn’t, can’t!”

“Doc, what’s wrong with my wife?” I asked.

“Nothing” he said. “She’s just having contractions.”

I lost my job at the bank on my very first day. A woman asked me to check her balance, so I pushed her over.

An English man, an Irish man and an Italian walk into a bar. The bartender says “is this a joke?”

When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, that’s amore.

When you swim in a creek and an eel bites your cheek, that’s a moray.

I once thanked a French guy to death. It was a merci killing.

I knew a guy who collected candy canes, they were all in mint condition.

Woke up on the ground last night, must have fell asleep​.

What do you call somebody with body and just a nose? Nobody nose!