The Man Who Created Autocorrect Has Died. Resturant In Peace.

When my girlfriend said she was leaving because of my obsession with the Monkees, I didn’t believe her. And then I saw her face

My girlfriend left me because she couldn’t handle my OCD. I told her to close the door five times on her way out.

I met a one-legged woman outside of a club the other day. She was a bouncer.

I’m addicted to brake fluid but I can stop whenever I want

I used to date a dyslexic girl. Weird girl. I took her home and she cooked my sock.

I don’t need a hot tub. I prefer a mildly attractive tub with a great sense of humor and a good job

An old man threw out his hip.. What a waist

What do you call a parade of rabbits hopping backwards?
A receding hare-line

They’re always telling me to live my dreams. But I don’t want to be naked in an exam I haven’t revised for!

What’s the worst thing about ancient history class?
The teachers tend to Babylon

What do you call an academically successful slice of bread? An honor roll.

My colleague can no longer attend next weeks Innuendo Seminar so I have to fill her slot instead.

Interviewer: “So how long were you employed in your last job?”
Me: “I’d say my biggest weakness is my listening skills.”

Statistically speaking, 6 out of 7 dwarves aren’t happy

The invisible man and invisible woman had children… they weren’t much to look at

My wife asked me to join her for yoga class. I said “Namaste home”

The hardness of butter is directly proportional to the softness of the bread.