Where do fish work? The offish.

My mate had a terrible accident a while ago. He fell into an Upholstering Machine.

He’s fully recovered now though.

Why don’t flies go to church?
Because they’re in sects

I should have been sad when my flashlight batteries died, but I was delighted.

What do you call a woman standing in the middle of a tennis court?

Anette

Took my dog to a bonfire and as he sat there staring at it blankly I realised he loves sticks. I was burning a giant pile of his toys.

How Long is a Chinese man’s name.

No, it actually is.

What’s E.T. short for?
He’s got little legs

My mate’s sex change operation from male to female went very well.
They did such a good job he’s still trying to reverse out of the hospital car park.

What do you call a fake noodle? An Impasta

I told my doctor that I broke my arm in two places. He told me to stop going to those places.

“I stand corrected,” said the man in the orthopedic shoes.

When Jay-Z got engaged, did he call her his Feyonce?

My wife said that if I don’t get off my computer and do the dishes she’ll slam my head on the keyboard, but I think she’s jokinfjreoiwjrtwe4to8rkljreun8f4ny84c8y4t58lym4wthylmhawt4mylt4amlathnatyn

A furniture store keeps calling me. All I wanted was one night stand.

What does a baby computer call his dad?
Data

Did you hear about the fire at the shoe factory? It was a real tragedy, 100 soles were lost.

If you’re looking for quality, never buy fireworks from a guy with more than seven fingers.

How do snakes end a fight?
They hiss and make up

What do you call people who are afraid of Santa Claus? Claustrophobic