If a blind woman tells you your penis is big, she’s probably just pulling your leg

How many Freudians does it take to change a light bulb? Sex.

How do you make holy water? You boil the hell out of it

Me: Mmm, you’ve dimmed the lights. I like where this is going.
Optometrist: Just read the letters on the screen.

“Your finest Scotch, please.” “Yes, sir,” the guy at Officeworks says as he hands me a 12 year old roll of tape.

The thing about dwarfs and midgets is that they have very little in common

A philosopher says to a linguist “What if, instead of periods, women had apostrophes?”

The linguist replied, “They’d be more possessive and have more frequent contractions.”

Yeah, it was on Fry Day, I can’t believe they got killed for the halibut. No motive, someone should seas the culprit. I’m crabby bout it all

What do you call the security outside of a Samsung Store?
Guardians of the Galaxy.

A dyslexic devil worshipper sold his soul to Santa

What is the difference between ignorance and apathy? I don’t know, and I don’t care.

I’ve recently quit my job as a butler.

I refuse to be ordered around in that manor.

What’s the internal temperature of a Tauntaun?
Luke warm

I am so poor I can’t even pay attention.

What did Michael Jackson call his denim store?
Billie Jeans

What do you call a bee that lives in America? A USB

Is google a woman? Because it won’t let you finish your sentence without coming up with other suggestions.