I’m addicted to brake fluid but I can stop whenever I want

I think they picked me for my motivational skills. Everyone always says they have to work twice as hard when I’m around!

What type of bears live in the north and south poles?
Bi-polar

There are three kinds of people: Those who can count and those who can’t.

What do pimps and farmers have in common? They both need a hoe to stay in business

Clones are people two

Cats spend two thirds of their lives sleeping, and the other third making viral videos.

When you have a bladder infection, urine trouble

I should have been sad when my flashlight batteries died, but I was delighted.

Wanted to tell you a joke about tv controllers but it’s not even remotely funny

Smoking will give you cancer.
Eating bacon will you give you cancer.
But for some reason, smoking bacon will cure it.

I like to imagine the guy who invented the umbrella was going to call it the ‘brella’. But he hesitated.

“It’s a boy!” I shouted, tears rolling down my face. “I don’t believe it. A boy!” And at that moment I decided I’d never visit Thailand again.

You can’t run through a camping ground. You can only ran, because it’s past tents

Whoever invented knock knock jokes should get a no bell prize.

Why should you never give Elsa a balloon?
Cause she’ll just let it go

What kind of exercise do lazy people do? Diddly-squats.

I’ve recently quit my job as a butler.

I refuse to be ordered around in that manor.