Why do seagulls fly over the sea? Because if they flew over the bay, they’d be called bagels

When a woman says “what!?” it’s not because she didn’t hear you. She’s just giving you a chance to change what you said

My kids have been throwing Scrabble tiles at each other again.

it’s all fun and games until someone loses an i.

I felt so bad today…I saw this sad dog without a tail. Luckily, his owner was taking him to the retail store.

What do you call a woman with no legs? Nolene

I’ve just found out one of my mates works as a mime artist. He’s kept that quiet.

I was mugged by an acupuncturist yesterday – the mongrel stabbed me 236 times.
Mind you, when I woke up this morning I felt amazing.

If I get interviewed by a police sketch artist, my only goal will be to see how far I get before he realizes I’m making him draw a pirate.

The best way to carve wood is whittle by whittle

Why does the alcoholic Avon lady walk funny? Because her lips stick.

I’m hosting a marathon for people with chronic diarrhea. It’s a run for the runs

Did you hear about the houses falling in love? It was a lawn-distance relationship.

What did the cow say to her calf?
It’s pasture bed time

I don’t mind kids playing hopscotch in most places, but my driveway is where I draw the line.

The rotation of earth really makes my day.

I’d like to thank the girl with no sports bra who ran with me through the last few miles of yesterday’s marathon.

Your lack of support got me through

Little Red Riding Hood found in a critical condition. Paramedics have stabilised her condition, but she’s not out of the woods yet.

I love the F5 key. It´s just so refreshing.

What do you call a midget psychic who just escaped from prison? A small medium at large

I miss my umbilical cord. Must have grown attached to it