I met a one-legged woman outside of a club the other day. She was a bouncer.

The invisible man and invisible woman had children… they weren’t much to look at

My dad used to say “Always fight fire with fire.” Probably explains why he was thrown out of the fire brigade

Did you hear about the cheese factory that exploded in France? There was nothing left but de Brie.

My friend just got a job at the zoo, circumcising elephants. The pay isn’t great but he gets huge tips.

I used to be a lifeguard, but this blue kid got me fired.

I’m here for whatever you need me to do… from the couch.

“I stand corrected,” said the man in the orthopedic shoes.

How do crazy people go through the forest? They take the physco path.

I applied for a government job but accidentally sent the wrong resume. This early display of incompetence should work in my favour.

What do you call a woman with a toothpick up her butt?
Olive

Did you hear about the short-sighted circumciser?
He got the sack

Several guys are sitting around having a drink and one guy says “My wife’s an angel” another guy says “Your lucky, mines still alive.”

Why don’t helicopters fly in the morning? Twirly

I haven’t slept for three days, because that would be too long.

“Your finest Scotch, please.” “Yes, sir,” the guy at Officeworks says as he hands me a 12 year old roll of tape.

Doing things that you are not supposed to do at work makes your vision, hearing and alertness much better.

Thank you, my arms, for always being there by my side.

My first day on the job at an IKEA store, I was told by my boss that employees needed to go to the meeting room before every shift. I asked why. He said, “Assembly required.”

I don’t know if I just got hit by freezing rain, but it hurt like hail.