My party trick is swallowing two peices of string and an hour later they come out of my arse tied together. I shit you knot.

“Whenever we drive past a graveyard my dad says, ‘Do you know why I can’t be buried there?’ And we all say, ‘Why not?’ And he says, ‘Because I’m not dead yet!’”

Did you hear about the short-sighted circumciser?
He got the sack

It’s not that the man did not know how to juggle, he just didn’t have the balls to do it.

What do you call a belt with a watch on it?
A waist of time

My wife asked me to join her for yoga class. I said “Namaste home”

My neighbour is a stripper and a coeliac which is tough because she can only jump out of certain cakes.

Why did the Mexican throw his wife off a bridge?
Tequila

What do you call someone who sells their body for a bowl of spaghetti? A pastatute!

Fixing broken windows is a pane in the glass.

I got banned from the secret cooking society… For spilling the beans.

An atheist, a vegan and a Crossfitter walk into a bar. I only know because they told everyone within the first three minutes.

What is Mozart doing right now? Decomposing.

My honey farmer friend has a thing for big butts. I suppose Booty is in the eye of the bee-holder.

Shouldn’t pregnant women be called body builders?

I like to imagine the guy who invented the umbrella was going to call it the ‘brella’. But he hesitated.

I broke my finger last week. On the other hand, I’m okay

My budgie broke his leg so I made him a tiny splint out of a couple of matches. His little face lit up when he tried to walk.

Claustrophobic people are more productive thinking out of the box.