I work in a library. Literally, all we do is judge books by their covers.

A termite walks into a bar and says “where’s the bar tender”

Impotence: Nature’s way of saying “No hard feelings”.

My dad used to be a human cannonball in the circus. They’ve never found another man of his caliber

What’s brown and sounds like a bell? Dung!

I had amnesia once – maybe twice.

“It’s a boy!” I shouted, tears rolling down my face. “I don’t believe it. A boy!” And at that moment I decided I’d never visit Thailand again.

My deaf girlfriend was talking in her sleep last night. She nearly took my eye out.

How much did it cost for the pirate to get his ears pierced?.

A buccaneer

Scared the postman today by going to the door naked.
I’m not sure what scared him more, my naked body or the fact that I knew where he lived.

What part of a vegetable do cannibals struggle to eat?
The wheelchair

Interviewer: “So how long were you employed in your last job?”
Me: “I’d say my biggest weakness is my listening skills.”

How do you make holy water? You boil the hell out of it

I couldn’t work out how to fasten my seatbelt. Then it clicked.

As I said before, I never repeat myself.

Something about subtraction just doesn’t add up

I used to mix metaphors but that ship has flown.

Why didn’t the vampire attack Taylor Swift?
She had Bad Blood

If a stranger offers you a piece of candy…take two.

What do you call a guy covered in leaves?
Russell