Why is too much alcohol bad for you?

Because that would be too whiskey.

I can guess your blood type.
Its Red.

Why didn’t the vampire attack Taylor Swift?
She had Bad Blood

I’ve been reading a book about anti-gravity. It’s impossible to put down

My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance. We’ll see about that.

One day you’re the next best thing to sliced bread.
The next, you’re toast.

I hate when people use words without knowing the meaning… gives me a huge hysterectomy on the side of my head.

I Renamed my iPod The Titanic, so when I plug it in, it says, “The Titanic is syncing”

Two soldiers are in a tank.
One looks at the other and says “BLUBLUBBLUBLUBBLUB”

What religion are baby cows? Calf-lic.

What happened to the cannibal that was late to dinner?
He was given the cold shoulder

What do you call a midget psychic who just escaped from prison? A small medium at large

What do people wear in a trench? Trench coats.

About a month before he died, my uncle had his back covered in lard. After that, he went down hill fast.

What do you call a fake noodle? An Impasta

Don’t fart in an apple store, there’s no windows!

“No, thanks. I’m a vegetarian.” is a fun thing to say when someone hands you their baby.

When a woman says “what!?” it’s not because she didn’t hear you. She’s just giving you a chance to change what you said

What do you get when you cross a dyslexic, an insomniac, and an agnostic?
Someone who lays awake at night wondering if there is a dog.