#792
My wife screamed “Ugh you haven’t heard a word I said, have you!?”
What a strange way to start a conversation
#505
Living on earth may be expensive, but it includes an annual free trip around the sun.
#482
When an employment application asks who is to be notified in case of emergency, I always write, “A very good doctor”
#362
I’m in awe. My buddy just used a snail as a key to start up his sedan…
It made escargot.
#323
My wife says I’m hopeless at fixing appliances. Well, she’s in for a shock!
#456
My boss told me I intimidate my coworkers so I just stared at him until he apologised
#376
Broken Guitar for sale.
No strings attached
#112
Me: Go to sleep before the monsters get you.
Daughter: Monsters aren’t real.
Me: You sound like your sister.
Daughter: Sister?
Me: I’ve said too much already…
#819
Wish I was a dolphin. Then I’d have a porpoise in life
#297
There was a man who entered a local paper’s pun contest.. He sent in ten different puns, in the hope that at least one of the puns would win. Unfortunately, no pun in ten did.
#450
I married Miss Right. I just didn’t know her first name was Always.
#824
My cat has just recovered from a massive stroke
#768
Where does Buzz Lightyear go furniture shopping at? Bed, Bath, and BEYOND!
#799
Dad: Son, I don’t think you’re cut out to be a mime artist
Son: Was it something I said?
Dad: Yes
#709
I’ve found a job helping a one armed typist do capital letters.
It’s shift work.
#474
Do not argue with an idiot. They will drag you down to their level and beat you with experience.
#135
My mate’s sex change operation from male to female went very well.
They did such a good job he’s still trying to reverse out of the hospital car park.