Why do chemists like nitrates so much?
They’re cheaper than day rates.

What do you call people who illegally use restrooms? Squatters.

What’s the difference between voyeurs and thieves? Thieves snatch your watch.

Two birds are sitting on a perch and one says “Do you smell fish?”

What happened to the cannibal that was late to dinner?
He was given the cold shoulder

One day you’re the next best thing to sliced bread.
The next, you’re toast.

Conjunctivitis.com: a site for sore eyes

What do you call someone who sells their body for a bowl of spaghetti? A pastatute!

The plumber told me a hole boring story about pipes.

Have you heard about the cannibal that passed his brother in the forest?

To the optimist, the glass is half full. To the pessimist, the glass is half empty. To the engineer, the glass is twice as big as it needs to be.

How many south Americans does it take to change a light bulb? A Brazilian

Want to get noticed?
Go jogging without moving your arms.

Waitress: ‘Do u have any questions about the menu?’ Me: ‘What kind of font is this?’

How do you get a man with only one arm out of a tree? Wave.

I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn’t find any.

My budgie broke his leg so I made him a tiny splint out of a couple of matches. His little face lit up when he tried to walk.