There was a big paddle sale at the boat store.
It was quite an oar deal.

I used to be a lifeguard, but this blue kid got me fired.

The other night I had a knife in one hand and a block of colby in the other…
I told the kids to leave the room before I cut the cheese.

What do you call a gay milkman? A Dairy Queen

How do snakes end a fight?
They hiss and make up

I bought my friend an elephant for their room.

They said “thank you”

I said “Don’t mention it”

I wasn’t particularly close to my dad before he died…
Which was lucky, because he trod on a landmine.

I was hooked on auctions after only going once… going twice.

I had the most amazing orange the other day

It was a class above the zest

I bet the butcher $50 that he couldn’t reach the meat off the top shelf. He said, “No, the steaks are too high.”

Why can’t you take inventory in Afghanistan?
Because of the tally ban

Someone says to his friend: “I bought a cat” And the other: “You have to be kitten me!”

Care to seduce a large woman?
Piece of cake!

What did the NSA analyst say to his co-worker when their female colleague walked past?
“I’d tap that”

What do squirrels give for Valentine’s Day? Forget-me-nuts.

My first day on the job at an IKEA store, I was told by my boss that employees needed to go to the meeting room before every shift. I asked why. He said, “Assembly required.”