I’m going to stand outside, so if anyone asks I’m outstanding.

What do you call a guy covered in leaves?
Russell

What did the hat say to the hat rack?
You stay here I’m going on a head

I told my wife she drew her eyebrows on too high. She looked surprised.

Impotence: Nature’s way of saying “No hard feelings”.

The hardness of butter is directly proportional to the softness of the bread.

I hate when people use words without knowing the meaning… gives me a huge hysterectomy on the side of my head.

What do you call a midget psychic who just escaped from prison? A small medium at large

Why don’t flies go to church?
Because they’re in sects

What do PCs and air conditioners have in common?
They both become useless when you open windows

Living on earth may be expensive, but it includes an annual free trip around the sun.

How many kids with ADHD does it take to change a light bulb?
Let’s go play on our bikes

Why should you never trust a train?
They have loco motives

What do you call a mind reader who can’t read minds? A telepathetic.

I like to imagine the guy who invented the umbrella was going to call it the ‘brella’. But he hesitated.

Somebody ripped a whole bunch of pages out of my dictionary. It just goes from bad to worse