Someone threw a bottle of Omega-3 pills at me. Luckily, my injuries were only super fish oil.

People are making end of the world jokes like there is no tomorrow.

You’re not drunk if you can lie on the floor without holding on.

Accidentally fell asleep smoking an e cigarette. When I woke up, the whole house was on the Internet

What does Batman put in his drink?

Just Ice

What’s the advantage of living in Switzerland? Well the flag is a big plus

Sometimes I tuck my knees into my chest and lean forward. That’s just how I roll.

My cats gonna sh** when he sees his new litter box I got him for Christmas.

Why do seagulls fly over the sea? Because if they flew over the bay, they’d be called bagels

I can totally keep secrets. It’s the people I tell them to that can’t.

My friend David lost his ID.

So now I call him Dav.

What do people wear in a trench? Trench coats.

Two birds are sitting on a perch and one says “Do you smell fish?”

If you spent your day in a well, can you say your day was well-spent?

Just found the worst page in the entire dictionary. What I saw was disgraceful, disgusting, dishonest, and disingenuous.

I got fired from my job as a chef for stealing kitchen equipment. It’s a whisk I was willing to take.

I’m looking for the girl next door type. I’m just gonna keep moving house till I find her.