You’re not drunk if you can lie on the floor without holding on.

How do you turn a duck into a soul singer?
Put it in the microwave until it’s Bill Withers.

People are making end of the world jokes like there is no tomorrow.

A Chinese couple had a black baby and named it SumTing Wong.

A courtroom artist was arrested today for an unknown reason… details are sketchy.

Got a universal remote for Father’s Day.
This changes everything!

What do you call a pastry with diamonds? A stud muffin

A jumper cable walked into a bar, the bartender said “I’ll serve you, but don’t start anything!”

Broken Guitar for sale.
No strings attached

NSA Pickup Line #2:
I know exactly where you have been all my life

“Give it to me! Give it to me!” she yelled, “I’m so wet, give it to me now!” She could scream all she wanted to. I was keeping the umbrella.

Working in a mirror factory is something I can totally see myself doing

What type of bears live in the north and south poles?
Bi-polar

I’m addicted to brake fluid but I can stop whenever I want

I wasn’t particularly close to my dad before he died…
Which was lucky, because he trod on a landmine.