The seven dwarfs were in the bath feeling happy so he got out.

Why did the chicken go to a séance? To communicate with the other side

My party trick is swallowing two peices of string and an hour later they come out of my arse tied together. I shit you knot.

I once thanked a French guy to death. It was a merci killing.

“You haven’t listened to a word I’ve said, have you?” always seems like a strange way for my wife to start a conversation.

I burnt My Hawaiian pizza today…

I should’ve cooked it on aloha temperature

Why did the snowman smile?
Because the snowblower was coming

They say make up sex is the best…
Which is lucky, because all my sex is made up.

I called the vet to complain about a bill. He just put the phone down. As quickly and humanely as possible.

Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
-Librarians arguing

What do you call a potato wearing glasses?
A spectater

A flashlight is a case for holding dead batteries.

Arguing with my wife is like reading the software licencing agreement. In the end, you ignore everything and click “I agree”.

To the optimist, the glass is half full. To the pessimist, the glass is half empty. To the engineer, the glass is twice as big as it needs to be.

What do you call a guy with a car on his head?
Jack

Did you hear about the man who jumped off a bridge in France? He was in Sein.

I had an argument with one of the seven dwarfs. He wasn’t happy