What’s the worst vegetable to eat on a boat?
Leek

My deaf girlfriend was talking in her sleep last night. She nearly took my eye out.

I hate those stupid little Russian nesting dolls

they’re so full of themselves

Tennis players grunt too much when they play.
There’s no need for all that racquet

My girlfriend left me because she couldn’t handle my OCD. I told her to close the door five times on her way out.

Today I saw a golf buggy parked in a disabled bay and thought to myself, “I wonder what his handicap is?”

Santa’s elves are just a bunch of subordinate Clauses.

What do you call a man with no arms or legs hanging on the wall?
Art

A philosopher says to a linguist “What if, instead of periods, women had apostrophes?”

The linguist replied, “They’d be more possessive and have more frequent contractions.”

I saw an ad for burial plots, and thought to myself this is the last thing I need.

Ice hockey is basically just guys wearing knife shoes fighting each other with long sticks for the last Oreo.

Me: Mmm, you’ve dimmed the lights. I like where this is going.
Optometrist: Just read the letters on the screen.

Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
-Librarians arguing

What’s the difference between an oral thermometer and a rectal thermometer? The taste

What’s the difference between a hippo and a Zippo?
One’s really heavy and the other is a little lighter

What is invisible and smells like worms?
Bird farts