#839
The other day, my wife asked me to pass her lipstick but I accidentally passed her a glue stick. She still isn’t talking to me.
#229
Just got sacked from my job as a dishwasher. I kept putting the plates and bowls in the wrong order. The boss reckons I am dishlexic.
#411
Apparently I snore so loudly that it scares everyone in the car I’m driving
#535
How is cat food sold?
Purr can
#494
I always take life with a grain of salt, …plus a slice of lemon, …and a shot of tequila.
#658
I may not be getting lucky tonight, but I’m definitely banging my snooze button in the morning.
#835
I said to a mate, “What’s your pet hate?”
He said, “He doesn’t like it when the vet puts a thermometer up his butt”.
#543
It’s hard to explain puns to kleptomaniacs because they always take things literally!
#861
How do you get a man with only one arm out of a tree? Wave.
#282
i thought i got a type a in blood test but it was actually a typ-o
#236
“Jesus loves you.”
A nice gesture in church.
A horrific thing to hear in a Mexican prison.
#654
He’s street smart. Sesame Street smart.
#358
What’s the difference between an oral thermometer and a rectal thermometer? The taste
#352
Two soldiers are in a tank.
One looks at the other and says “BLUBLUBBLUBLUBBLUB”
#28
How do you make holy water? You boil the hell out of it
#314
I have two boys, 5 and 6. We’re no good at naming things in our house.
#447
Cats spend two thirds of their lives sleeping, and the other third making viral videos.