#221

My wife told me she thought we’d have less arguments if I wasn’t so pedantic.

I told her ‘I think you mean fewer’.

#448

Behind every angry woman is man who has absolutely no idea what he did wrong

#277

It’s been 2 days since I’ve had McDonald’s, I’m getting the shakes… and the fries.

#138

I met my wife at an Arthritis support meeting.
You know when two people just click.

#134

I used to date a dyslexic girl. Weird girl. I took her home and she cooked my sock.

#684

I told my doctor that I broke my arm in two places. He told me to stop going to those places.

#598

How do you turn a duck into a soul singer?
Put it in the microwave until it’s Bill Withers.

#626

Why should you never trust a train?
They have loco motives

#4

I used to have a job at a calendar factory but I got the sack because I took a couple of days off

#428

If pronouncing my b’s as v’s makes me sound Russian, then soviet.

#768

Where does Buzz Lightyear go furniture shopping at? Bed, Bath, and BEYOND!

#11

A handicapped guy stole my wallet.
He can hide but he can’t run

#364

What do you call a woman standing in the middle of a tennis court?

Anette

#297

There was a man who entered a local paper’s pun contest.. He sent in ten different puns, in the hope that at least one of the puns would win. Unfortunately, no pun in ten did.

#401

When my wife told me to stop acting like a flamingo I had to put my foot down

#732

When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, that’s amore.

When you swim in a creek and an eel bites your cheek, that’s a moray.

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