#774

My friends bakery burned down last night.
His business is toast

#294

Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can’t have your kayak and heat it too.

#514

The Lord of the Rings is basically about a group that spends nine hours returning jewellery

#130

My wife asked me to bring home stuff for the pancakes. She wasn’t happy when I arrived with a push-up bra.

#464

I got called pretty yesterday and it felt good!

Actually, the full sentence was “you’re pretty annoying” but I’m choosing to focus on the positive

#150

Today a girl said she recognized me from vegetarian club, but I’m sure I’ve never met herbivore.

#354

Sometimes I tuck my knees into my chest and lean forward. That’s just how I roll.

#232

At breakfast this morning, my wife said she’s leaving me because of my obsession with Twitter.

I almost choked on my #Brown.

#750

You know mountains aren’t just funny, they are hill areas

#447

Cats spend two thirds of their lives sleeping, and the other third making viral videos.

#545

No matter how much you push the envelope, it’ll still be stationery.

#317

I just deleted all the German names off my phone. It’s Hans free

#500

Waitress: ‘Do u have any questions about the menu?’ Me: ‘What kind of font is this?’

#511

Two blondes are facing each other across a wide stream.
One yells to the other, ‘How do you get to the other side?’
The other blonde replies, ‘You are on the other side!’

#98

“Your finest Scotch, please.” “Yes, sir,” the guy at Officeworks says as he hands me a 12 year old roll of tape.

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