My wife told me she thought we’d have less arguments if I wasn’t so pedantic.

I told her ‘I think you mean fewer’.

I ordered 2000 lbs. of chinese soup.
It was Won Ton.

Behind every angry woman is man who has absolutely no idea what he did wrong

It’s been 2 days since I’ve had McDonald’s, I’m getting the shakes… and the fries.

I met my wife at an Arthritis support meeting.
You know when two people just click.

I used to date a dyslexic girl. Weird girl. I took her home and she cooked my sock.

I told my doctor that I broke my arm in two places. He told me to stop going to those places.

How do you turn a duck into a soul singer?
Put it in the microwave until it’s Bill Withers.

Why should you never trust a train?
They have loco motives

I would lose weight, but I hate losing.

I used to have a job at a calendar factory but I got the sack because I took a couple of days off

If pronouncing my b’s as v’s makes me sound Russian, then soviet.

Where does Buzz Lightyear go furniture shopping at? Bed, Bath, and BEYOND!

I’m not lazy… I’m just on my energy saving mode.

A handicapped guy stole my wallet.
He can hide but he can’t run

What do you call a woman standing in the middle of a tennis court?

Anette

There was a man who entered a local paper’s pun contest.. He sent in ten different puns, in the hope that at least one of the puns would win. Unfortunately, no pun in ten did.

When my wife told me to stop acting like a flamingo I had to put my foot down

When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, that’s amore.

When you swim in a creek and an eel bites your cheek, that’s a moray.