Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can’t have your kayak and heat it too.

The Lord of the Rings is basically about a group that spends nine hours returning jewellery

My wife asked me to bring home stuff for the pancakes. She wasn’t happy when I arrived with a push-up bra.

What do you call a sheep with no legs? A cloud

Why did the Mexican take xanax?
For Hispanic attacks

I got called pretty yesterday and it felt good!

Actually, the full sentence was “you’re pretty annoying” but I’m choosing to focus on the positive

Someone threw cheese at me.
Real mature!

I’m so introverted I won’t even talk to myself.

Today a girl said she recognized me from vegetarian club, but I’m sure I’ve never met herbivore.

Sometimes I tuck my knees into my chest and lean forward. That’s just how I roll.

At breakfast this morning, my wife said she’s leaving me because of my obsession with Twitter.

I almost choked on my #Brown.

You know mountains aren’t just funny, they are hill areas

Cats spend two thirds of their lives sleeping, and the other third making viral videos.

No matter how much you push the envelope, it’ll still be stationery.

How do you make holy water? You boil the hell out of it

I just deleted all the German names off my phone. It’s Hans free

Waitress: ‘Do u have any questions about the menu?’ Me: ‘What kind of font is this?’

Two blondes are facing each other across a wide stream.
One yells to the other, ‘How do you get to the other side?’
The other blonde replies, ‘You are on the other side!’

“Your finest Scotch, please.” “Yes, sir,” the guy at Officeworks says as he hands me a 12 year old roll of tape.