A blind man walks into a bar. And a table. And a chair.

LSD causes users to lose weight. Obviously you can’t eat when a dragon is guarding the fridge

Adult: Someone who has stopped growing at both ends and now grows in the middle.

I can hear music coming out of my printer.
I think the paper’s jammin’ again.

Last night me and my wife watched three DVDs back to back. Luckily I was the one facing the TV.

A small boy swallowed some coins and was taken to a hospital. When his grandmother telephoned to ask how he was a nurse said ‘No change yet’.

A steak pun is a rare medium well done

I still remember the day the scented candle shop I worked at burned to the ground.

Everyone was so calm…..

I broke my finger last week. On the other hand, I’m okay

I asked my North Korean friend how it was there, he said he couldn’t complain

What do you get when a cow jumps over a barbed wire fence? An udder disaster.

I’ve just found out one of my mates works as a mime artist. He’s kept that quiet.

There’s a fine line between a numerator and a denominator.

Only a fraction of people will find this funny.

Some people appreciate these kinds of jokes and some don’t – the division is clear.

The first 5 days after the weekend are the hardest

I used to have a job at a calendar factory but I got the sack because I took a couple of days off

Why did the pig stop sunbathing? He was bacon in the heat

An atheist, a vegan and a Crossfitter walk into a bar. I only know because they told everyone within the first three minutes.

My dad used to say “Always fight fire with fire.” Probably explains why he was thrown out of the fire brigade

What did the DNA say to the other DNA?

“Do these genes make me look fat?”

Cinderella got kicked off the basketball team because she ran away from the ball