I couldn’t work out how to fasten my seatbelt. Then it clicked.

What did the DNA say to the other DNA?

“Do these genes make me look fat?”

I have six eyes, two mouths and three ears. What am I? Ugly

No deja vu please…
I don’t want to go through that again

I hate peer pressure and you should too.

Did you hear about the man who jumped off a bridge in France? He was in Sein.

Where do fish work? The offish.

If a stranger offers you a piece of candy…take two.

My wife asked me to bring home stuff for the pancakes. She wasn’t happy when I arrived with a push-up bra.

There was a prison break and I saw a midget climb up the fence. As he jumped down her sneered at me and I thought, well that’s a little condescending.

There are 2 rules for success:
1. Don’t tell all you know.

Do not argue with an idiot. They will drag you down to their level and beat you with experience.

The funeral for the man who invented Chinese whispers will be held on Monday. Pass it on.

I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn’t find any.

What’s the opposite of Christopher Reeve?
Christopher Walken

I got into a fight with my boner this morning. Don’t worry, I beat it single handedly

A donkey fell into a bowl of sugar. Now that’s a sweet ass!!

I recently got a new Korean mechanic but it’s hard to understand him – he speaks with a Hyundai Accent!