I couldn’t work out how to fasten my seatbelt. Then it clicked.

I thought I understood the meaning of “When Pigs Fly” but then… the swine flu.

I got banned from a secret cooking society for spilling the beans

I remember last summer I was so excited when the water restrictions were lifted I wet my plants.

I met a woman with 12 boobs…
Sounds weird dozen tit!

What do you call an Asian man who always has the correct change?
Exact Lee

I bought a dog off a blacksmith today.
As soon as I got it home it made a bolt for the door.

What do you call an Asian lady with one leg?
Irene

Two bars walk into a man, LSD is powerful stuff

My wife said that if I don’t get off my computer and do the dishes she’ll slam my head on the keyboard, but I think she’s jokinfjreoiwjrtwe4to8rkljreun8f4ny84c8y4t58lym4wthylmhawt4mylt4amlathnatyn

I bought my friend an elephant for their room.

They said “thank you”

I said “Don’t mention it”

The best way to carve wood is whittle by whittle

What do you call a woman with a toothpick up her butt?
Olive

A blind man walks into a bar. And a table. And a chair.

Why did the Mexican throw his wife off a bridge?
Tequila

Why don’t helicopters fly in the morning? Twirly

I named my hard drive “dat ass” so once a month my computer asks if I want to back dat ass up

i thought i got a type a in blood test but it was actually a typ-o

Thank you student loans for getting me through university. I don’t think I could ever repay you