I’ve just found out one of my mates works as a mime artist. He’s kept that quiet.


I bought a ceiling fan the other day. Complete waste of money. He just stands there applauding and saying “Ooh, I love how smooth it is”


You know it’s cold outside when you go outside and its cold


Where are average things manufactured?
The satisfactory


What do you call a man with no arms and no legs lying in your fireplace?


My wife is complaining that I never buy her jewellery. To be fair, I didn’t even know she sold jewellery.


Last night me and my wife watched three DVDs back to back. Luckily I was the one facing the TV.


I’m looking for the girl next door type. I’m just gonna keep moving house till I find her.


Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth, then it just becomes a soap opera.


I don’t think it’s possible for me to become a sniper. Not by a long shot.


If you’re here for the yodeling lesson, please form an orderly orderly orderly orderly queue.


What do the movies titanic and the sixth sense have in common.
Icy dead people.


Why was the computer late for work?
He had a slow, hard drive


Working in a mirror factory is something I can totally see myself doing


My wife left me because I sold her wheelchair. I knew she’d come crawling back

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