Why do seagulls fly over the sea? Because if they flew over the bay, they’d be called bagels

I just found out I’m colorblind. The diagnosis came completely out of the purple.

Can’t believe they fired me from the clock factory after all the extra hours I put in

Murphy’s law states anything that can go wrong will go wrong, but have you heard of Cole’s law? It’s finely sliced cabbage.

If you’re looking for quality, never buy fireworks from a guy with more than seven fingers.

I hate gravity, it always gets me down

What do you get when a cow jumps over a barbed wire fence? An udder disaster.

How much does a hipster weigh? An instagram

What do you call a midget psychic who just escaped from prison? A small medium at large

I felt so bad today…I saw this sad dog without a tail. Luckily, his owner was taking him to the retail store.

I’ve recently quit my job as a butler.

I refuse to be ordered around in that manor.

I still remember the day the scented candle shop I worked at burned to the ground.

Everyone was so calm…..

I broke my finger last week. On the other hand, I’m okay

What do you call an alligator wearing a vest? An investigator.

I always take life with a grain of salt, …plus a slice of lemon, …and a shot of tequila.

What does cheese say when it sees itself in the mirror? Halloumi

Adult: Someone who has stopped growing at both ends and now grows in the middle.

My doctor took one look at my gut and refused to believe that I work out. So I listed the exercises I do every day: jump to conclusions, climb the walls, drag my heels, push my luck, make mountains out of molehills, bend over backward, run around in circles, put my foot in my mouth, go over the edge, and beat around the bush.

I asked my wife “What do you want me to do with this big roll of bubble wrap?”
She said “Just pop it in the corner”.
It took me 4 hours.