#131

I’ve just found out one of my mates works as a mime artist. He’s kept that quiet.

#889

I bought a ceiling fan the other day. Complete waste of money. He just stands there applauding and saying “Ooh, I love how smooth it is”

#457

You know it’s cold outside when you go outside and its cold

#564

Where are average things manufactured?
The satisfactory

#629

What do you call a man with no arms and no legs lying in your fireplace?
Bernie

#136

My wife is complaining that I never buy her jewellery. To be fair, I didn’t even know she sold jewellery.

#18

Last night me and my wife watched three DVDs back to back. Luckily I was the one facing the TV.

#312

I’m looking for the girl next door type. I’m just gonna keep moving house till I find her.

#473

Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth, then it just becomes a soap opera.

#454

I don’t think it’s possible for me to become a sniper. Not by a long shot.

#105

If you’re here for the yodeling lesson, please form an orderly orderly orderly orderly queue.

#715

What do the movies titanic and the sixth sense have in common.
Icy dead people.

#549

Why was the computer late for work?
He had a slow, hard drive

#380

Working in a mirror factory is something I can totally see myself doing

#431

My wife left me because I sold her wheelchair. I knew she’d come crawling back

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