If pronouncing my b’s as v’s makes me sound Russian, then soviet.

Two men broke into a drugstore and stole all the Viagra. The police put out an alert to be on the lookout for the two hardened criminals

Do you know why i make puns?
its my respunsibility.

My first job was working in an orange juice factory, but I got canned: couldn’t concentrate.

There are plenty of fish in the sea but until you catch one you’re just stuck here holding your rod…

Just found the worst page in the entire dictionary. What I saw was disgraceful, disgusting, dishonest, and disingenuous.

I was in a bar when a waitress shouted “ANYONE KNOW CPR?”
I said “I know the whole alphabet!”.
Everyone laughed, except this one guy.

I bet the butcher $50 that he couldn’t reach the meat off the top shelf. He said, “No, the steaks are too high.”

A small boy swallowed some coins and was taken to a hospital. When his grandmother telephoned to ask how he was a nurse said ‘No change yet’.

In any argument, a wife has the last word. Anything the husband says after that last word is the beginning of a new argument.

Two blondes are facing each other across a wide stream.
One yells to the other, ‘How do you get to the other side?’
The other blonde replies, ‘You are on the other side!’

Someone says to his friend: “I bought a cat” And the other: “You have to be kitten me!”

Somebody ripped a whole bunch of pages out of my dictionary. It just goes from bad to worse

Two soldiers are in a tank.
One looks at the other and says “BLUBLUBBLUBLUBBLUB”

Me: Go to sleep before the monsters get you.
Daughter: Monsters aren’t real.
Me: You sound like your sister.
Daughter: Sister?
Me: I’ve said too much already…

If you lose your hearing, is it ear replaceable?

What did the NSA analyst say to his co-worker when their female colleague walked past?
“I’d tap that”