What do bees do with their honey? They cell it.

I was thinking about getting a brain transplant, but then I changed my mind

Welcome to Plastic Surgery Addicts Anonymous. I’m seeing a lot of new faces in the crowd this week and I have to say I’m really disappointed.

Why did the chicken go to a séance? To communicate with the other side

So apparently RSVP’ing back to a wedding invite ‘maybe next time’ isn’t the correct response.

I lost my licence so I bought a vintage Rolls Royce because I thought it came with a driver. It didn’t. So I spent all that money and I’ve got nothing to chauffeur it.

If you could rehydrate those raisins, that’d be grapes.

You heard of that new band 1023MB? They’re good but they haven’t got a gig yet.

Two dyslexics walk into a bra…

I was ordering birthday cake over phone.
They asked “And what would you like the cake to say?”
I covered phone to ask my wife. “Do we want a talking cake?”

If you spent your day in a well, can you say your day was well-spent?

Give a Nigerian a fish he’ll eat for a day. Teach a Nigerian to phish and he’ll become a prince and start e-mailing people

When he proposed to her. She found it very engaging.

PMS should just be called ovary-acting

I’ve decided to sell my Hoover … well, it was just collecting dust

“Give it to me! Give it to me!” she yelled, “I’m so wet, give it to me now!” She could scream all she wanted to. I was keeping the umbrella.

One of the elves left the North Pole to join a gang and sell drugs.
He’s a rebel without a Claus

What do you call a sketchy Italian neighbourhood?
A Spaghetto

My friend just got a job at the zoo, circumcising elephants. The pay isn’t great but he gets huge tips.