If pronouncing my b’s as v’s makes me sound Russian, then soviet.


Two men broke into a drugstore and stole all the Viagra. The police put out an alert to be on the lookout for the two hardened criminals


My first job was working in an orange juice factory, but I got canned: couldn’t concentrate.


There are plenty of fish in the sea but until you catch one you’re just stuck here holding your rod…


Just found the worst page in the entire dictionary. What I saw was disgraceful, disgusting, dishonest, and disingenuous.


Good news for all you narcoleptics. Only 300 sleeps till Christmas!


Dad: Did you hear about the Orca at Sea World?
Son: Nope.
Dad: You didn’t? Oh whale.


I was in a bar when a waitress shouted “ANYONE KNOW CPR?”
I said “I know the whole alphabet!”.
Everyone laughed, except this one guy.


I bet the butcher $50 that he couldn’t reach the meat off the top shelf. He said, “No, the steaks are too high.”


A small boy swallowed some coins and was taken to a hospital. When his grandmother telephoned to ask how he was a nurse said ‘No change yet’.


In any argument, a wife has the last word. Anything the husband says after that last word is the beginning of a new argument.


Two blondes are facing each other across a wide stream.
One yells to the other, ‘How do you get to the other side?’
The other blonde replies, ‘You are on the other side!’


Someone says to his friend: “I bought a cat” And the other: “You have to be kitten me!”


Somebody ripped a whole bunch of pages out of my dictionary. It just goes from bad to worse


Two soldiers are in a tank.
One looks at the other and says “BLUBLUBBLUBLUBBLUB”


The Energizer bunny ended up in jail.
He was charged with battery


Me: Go to sleep before the monsters get you.
Daughter: Monsters aren’t real.
Me: You sound like your sister.
Daughter: Sister?
Me: I’ve said too much already…


What did the NSA analyst say to his co-worker when their female colleague walked past?
“I’d tap that”

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