#442

I’m hosting a marathon for people with chronic diarrhea. It’s a run for the runs

#397

I bought my friend an elephant for their room.

They said “thank you”

I said “Don’t mention it”

#541

I know Jiu-Jitsu, Sambo, Judo, Aikido and lots of other scary words.

#825

Mountains aren’t just funny
They’re hill areas

#459

I eat my tacos over a Tortilla. That way when stuff falls out, BOOM, another taco.

#573

I’m here for whatever you need me to do… from the couch.

#447

Cats spend two thirds of their lives sleeping, and the other third making viral videos.

#781

I decided to make my password “incorrect” because if I type it in wrong, my computer will remind me,
“Your password is incorrect.”

#102

I called the vet to complain about a bill. He just put the phone down. As quickly and humanely as possible.

#167

Did you hear about the chameleon that couldn’t change colour? He had a reptile dysfunction

#437

I got banned from a secret cooking society for spilling the beans

#595

My girlfriend and I often laugh about how competitive we are. But I laugh more.

#441

My wife said that if I don’t get off my computer and do the dishes she’ll slam my head on the keyboard, but I think she’s jokinfjreoiwjrtwe4to8rkljreun8f4ny84c8y4t58lym4wthylmhawt4mylt4amlathnatyn

#493

I got fired from my job as a chef for stealing kitchen equipment. It’s a whisk I was willing to take.

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