If procrastionation was an Olympic sport, I’d compete in it later.

If you lose your hearing, is it ear replaceable?

Why don’t the enemies of the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles just flip them on their backs?

Why didn’t the vampire attack Taylor Swift?
She had Bad Blood

How do you find Will Smith in the snow?
You look for the fresh prints

It’s a good thing farts aren’t contagious like yawns

My neighbor is in the Guinness World Records. He has had 44 concussions. He lives very close to me. A stone’s throw away, in fact.

Yo mamma is so fat that when she sat on a laptop, the hardware turned into software!

I would give my right arm to be ambidextrous!

Velociraptor = Distance raptor / Time raptor

My wife isn’t talking to me because apparently I ruined her birthday.
I’m not sure how I did that – I didn’t even know it was her birthday

I’m terrified of elevators, and I’m taking steps to avoid them

What does it take to make an octopus laugh?
Ten tickles

The thing about dwarfs and midgets is that they have very little in common

Our cat coughed up furballs all over the carpet. I wouldn’t mind but Furballs was our hamster.

If you spent your day in a well, can you say your day was well-spent?

Why do all of P-Diddy’s kids have nice hair?
Because Sean Combs

I love the F5 key. It´s just so refreshing.

Murphy’s law states anything that can go wrong will go wrong, but have you heard of Cole’s law? It’s finely sliced cabbage.