The seven dwarfs were in the bath feeling happy so he got out.

What does a thesaurus eat for breakfast?
Synonym rolls

Why did the Mexican take xanax?
For Hispanic attacks

One day I was at a park wondering why does a frisbee keep looking bigger the closer it gets to you. Then it hit me

When my girlfriend said she was leaving because of my obsession with the Monkees, I didn’t believe her. And then I saw her face

Lazy People Fact #5812672793:
You were too lazy to read that number.

A termite walks into a bar and says “where’s the bar tender”

What kind of prize do you give someone who hasn’t moved a muscle in over a year?
Atrophy.

NSA Pickup Line #1:
Did you fall from heaven?
Because there’s no tracking data on how you arrived at this location

My wife was in labor with our first child when suddenly she began to shout, “Shouldn’t, couldn’t, wouldn’t, didn’t, can’t!”

“Doc, what’s wrong with my wife?” I asked.

“Nothing” he said. “She’s just having contractions.”

The year 2020 is going to be filled with so many puns about perfect vision

I can just see it now.

Yo mamma is so fat that when she sat on a laptop, the hardware turned into software!

I wasn’t particularly close to my dad before he died…
Which was lucky, because he trod on a landmine.

Smoking will give you cancer.
Eating bacon will you give you cancer.
But for some reason, smoking bacon will cure it.

Nobody’s perfect. I’m a nobody.

What’s Michael Jackson’s favourite painting?
Sha-Mona Lisa

What do you call someone who sells their body for a bowl of spaghetti? A pastatute!

What’s the difference between a golfer and a skydiver? A golfer goes *whack* “damn” and a skydiver goes “damn” *whack*

What kind of exercise do lazy people do? Diddly-squats.