Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

Took my dog to a bonfire and as he sat there staring at it blankly I realised he loves sticks. I was burning a giant pile of his toys.

They should make a Minecraft movie, it would be a blockbuster!

I mean – I appreciate that my friends are doing their best to cheer me up after my diagnosis, but I’ve heard so many cancer jokes today – if I get to hear just tumor I’ll really get mad.

Got a new job as a hostage negotiator. Tried to ring in sick but they talked me out of it.

A man is being arrested by a female police officer, who informs him, “Anything you say can and will be held against you.” The man replies, “Boobs!”

It’s hard to explain puns to kleptomaniacs because they always take things literally!

Behind every angry woman is man who has absolutely no idea what he did wrong

How did the farmer find his wife?

He tractor down.

Accidentally fell asleep smoking an e cigarette. When I woke up, the whole house was on the Internet

It’s not that the man did not know how to juggle, he just didn’t have the balls to do it.

Why are teddy bears never hungry?
Because they’re stuffed

19 and 20 got into a fight.
21.

Why don’t the enemies of the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles just flip them on their backs?

I’ve bought my son a huge wooden horse for Christmas.

I got it from ‘Troys R Us.’

What is Mozart doing right now? Decomposing.

Whoever invented knock knock jokes should get a no bell prize.

Did you hear about the kidnapping at school? It’s fine, he woke up