I used to date a dyslexic girl. Weird girl. I took her home and she cooked my sock.

I was in a bar when a waitress shouted “ANYONE KNOW CPR?”
I said “I know the whole alphabet!”.
Everyone laughed, except this one guy.

1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. There are 5 people in my family, so it must be one of them. It’s either my mum or my dad. Or my older brother Colin. Or my younger brother Ho-Cha-Chu. But I think it’s Colin.

It’s hard to explain puns to kleptomaniacs because they always take things literally!

I have kleptomania, but when it gets bad I take something for it

Lets have a toast for the bread winners!

For a short while, my uncle was a world famous chainsaw juggler. But not for being good at it. I miss uncle Stump.

Celine Dion walks into a bar. The bartender says, “Those long face jokes are so mean. Let me buy you a drink”

I ordered 2000 lbs. of chinese soup.
It was Won Ton.

Why did the old man fall in the well? Because he couldn’t see that well.

My wife just broke up with me for talking about video games too much, what a stupid thing to Fallout 4

About a month before he died, my uncle had his back covered in lard. After that, he went down hill fast.

There are three kinds of people: Those who can count and those who can’t.

I’ve been reading a book about anti-gravity. It’s impossible to put down

White boards are remarkable

My doctor took one look at my gut and refused to believe that I work out. So I listed the exercises I do every day: jump to conclusions, climb the walls, drag my heels, push my luck, make mountains out of molehills, bend over backward, run around in circles, put my foot in my mouth, go over the edge, and beat around the bush.

One of the elves left the North Pole to join a gang and sell drugs.
He’s a rebel without a Claus

What’s long and hard and has cum in it?
A cucumber