#640

My dad was dyslexic. Whenever I swore when growing up, he’d wash my mouth out with soup.

#491

I just watched a program about beavers. It was the best dam program I’ve ever seen.

#157

You heard of that new band 1023MB? They’re good but they haven’t got a gig yet.

#709

I’ve found a job helping a one armed typist do capital letters.
It’s shift work.

#402

Light travels faster than sound. That’s why some people appear quite bright – until you hear them talk.

#378

I broke my finger last week. On the other hand, I’m okay

#400

My girlfriend left me because she couldn’t handle my OCD. I told her to close the door five times on her way out.

#247

Shouldn’t pregnant women be called body builders?

#477

Want to get noticed?
Go jogging without moving your arms.

#816

What’s the least spoken language in the world?
Sign language

#390

Why was the thermometer smarter than the graduated cylinder?
He had more degrees

#182

A giraffe walks into a bar. “Sorry”, said the barman, “We don’t serve Heineken here.”

#495

A furniture store keeps calling me. All I wanted was one night stand.

#872

What did the hat say to the hat rack?
You stay here I’m going on a head

#219

It’s Jamaican hair style day at work tomorrow. I’m already dreading it.

#237

How does the solar system hold up its trousers? With an asteroid belt

#281

I met a one-legged woman outside of a club the other day. She was a bouncer.

#762

I felt so bad today…I saw this sad dog without a tail. Luckily, his owner was taking him to the retail store.

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