My wife’s been staring through the window ever since it started snowing. If it gets any worse, I’ll have to let her in.

When life gives you melons, you’re probably dyslexic.

How do mathematicians scold their children?

“If I’ve told you n times, I’ve told you n+1 times …”

What do you do if a blonde throws a grenade at you? Pull the pin and throw it back.

What is Bruce Lee’s favourite drink? Wataaaaahh!

A lot of people are afraid of heights. Not me, I’m afraid of widths.

What do you call a woman that sets her bills on fire? Bernadette

I got called pretty yesterday and it felt good!

Actually, the full sentence was “you’re pretty annoying” but I’m choosing to focus on the positive

My wife isn’t talking to me because apparently I ruined her birthday.
I’m not sure how I did that – I didn’t even know it was her birthday

Something about subtraction just doesn’t add up

Don’t fart in an apple store, there’s no windows!

Why do you never see elephants hiding in trees?
Because they’re so good at it!

Why did everyone want to hang out with the mushroom? Because he was a fungi.

A naked man broke into a church. The police chased him around and finally caught him by the organ.

It’s not that the man did not know how to juggle, he just didn’t have the balls to do it.

I mustache you a question but I’ll Shave it for later

How do you count cows? With a cowculater.

A furniture store keeps calling me. All I wanted was one night stand.

My wifi has stopped working. Turns out our neighbours hadn’t paid the bill. Tightarses.

How many Emo kids does it take to change a light bulb? None, they all sit in the dark and cry