Someone threw a bottle of Omega-3 pills at me. Luckily, my injuries were only super fish oil.

Why is life in North Korea so hard? Because North Korea lost its Seoul.

I heard there was a new store called Moderation. They have everything there

There are only 10 types of people in the world: those who understand binary and those who don’t

1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. There are 5 people in my family, so it must be one of them. It’s either my mum or my dad. Or my older brother Colin. Or my younger brother Ho-Cha-Chu. But I think it’s Colin.

They’re always telling me to live my dreams. But I don’t want to be naked in an exam I haven’t revised for!

I went bobsleighing the other day, killed 250 bobs.

I’ve just been on a once-in-a-lifetime holiday. I’ll tell you what, never again

Do not argue with an idiot. They will drag you down to their level and beat you with experience.

There was a snake crossing a highway and a truck ran over its ass. The snake went back to get its ass and a truck ran over its head. The moral of the story is, “Don’t lose your head over a piece of ass.”

What was Helen Keller’s favourite colour?
Velcro

I can hear music coming out of my printer.
I think the paper’s jammin’ again.

A friend of mine tried to annoy me with bird puns, but I soon realized that toucan play at that game.

The sex was so good that even the neighbors had a cigarette.

I used to be a carpenter until I accidentally sat on my hammer, now I have hammeroids.

My friend has got a butler who only has one arm.
Serves him right.

What is the first thing Santa’s elves have to learn?
The Elfabet

I don’t know if I just got hit by freezing rain, but it hurt like hail.