One day you’re the next best thing to sliced bread.
The next, you’re toast.

19 and 20 got into a fight.
21.

Why does a chicken coop have 2 doors?

Because if it had 4 doors it would be called chicken sedan.

What kind of train eats a lot?
A chew chew train

People who sometimes use the wrong words should have the humidity to admit it.

I couldn’t work out how to fasten my seatbelt. Then it clicked.

What is the difference between snowmen and snowwomen? Snowballs.

What did the sushi say to the bee?
Wasabi

If a blind woman tells you your penis is big, she’s probably just pulling your leg

I have a fear of speed bumps. Im slowly getting over it

Me: Go to sleep before the monsters get you.
Daughter: Monsters aren’t real.
Me: You sound like your sister.
Daughter: Sister?
Me: I’ve said too much already…

What does a thesaurus eat for breakfast?
Synonym rolls

What is Mozart doing right now? Decomposing.

I’ve found a job helping a one armed typist do capital letters.
It’s shift work.

Have you heard about the cannibal that passed his brother in the forest?

I was playing Frisbee with my dog in the park today, but it didn’t go well.
I think I need to get a flatter dog.

My budgie broke his leg so I made him a tiny splint out of a couple of matches. His little face lit up when he tried to walk.

What’s the difference between a golfer and a skydiver? A golfer goes *whack* “damn” and a skydiver goes “damn” *whack*

What to say to a hitch-hiker with just one leg? Hop in.