My dad was dyslexic. Whenever I swore when growing up, he’d wash my mouth out with soup.

I just watched a program about beavers. It was the best dam program I’ve ever seen.

You heard of that new band 1023MB? They’re good but they haven’t got a gig yet.

I’ve found a job helping a one armed typist do capital letters.
It’s shift work.

Light travels faster than sound. That’s why some people appear quite bright – until you hear them talk.

Fixing broken windows is a pane in the glass.

I broke my finger last week. On the other hand, I’m okay

Age is just the number of hours I’m hungover for.

My girlfriend left me because she couldn’t handle my OCD. I told her to close the door five times on her way out.

Shouldn’t pregnant women be called body builders?

Want to get noticed?
Go jogging without moving your arms.

Why was the thermometer smarter than the graduated cylinder?
He had more degrees

A giraffe walks into a bar. “Sorry”, said the barman, “We don’t serve Heineken here.”

A furniture store keeps calling me. All I wanted was one night stand.

What did the hat say to the hat rack?
You stay here I’m going on a head

It’s Jamaican hair style day at work tomorrow. I’m already dreading it.

How does the solar system hold up its trousers? With an asteroid belt

I met a one-legged woman outside of a club the other day. She was a bouncer.

I felt so bad today…I saw this sad dog without a tail. Luckily, his owner was taking him to the retail store.