What do you call Watson when Sherlock isn’t around? Holmeless.

What happened to the cannibal that was late to dinner?
He was given the cold shoulder

An opinion without 3.14159 is just an onion.

I asked the librarian if they had any books on paranoia?
She whispered, “They’re behind you”.

Does a dolphin ever do something by accident? No, they do everything on porpoise.

My girlfriend left me because she couldn’t handle my OCD. I told her to close the door five times on her way out.

A flashlight is a case for holding dead batteries.

If pronouncing my b’s as v’s makes me sound Russian, then soviet.

I’ve been reading a book about anti-gravity. It’s impossible to put down

My ex-wife has lessons with the devil on how to be more evil. I don’t know what she charges him.

I wasn’t happy with my sons school report. He said okay. I said I want more A’s. He said okaaaaaaaay

Two peanuts walked down the street. One of them was a salted

Woke up on the ground last night, must have fell asleep​.

I called the cops about a murder on my front lawn.
They said they couldn’t do anything about crows and to stop calling them.

I got into a fight with my boner this morning. Don’t worry, I beat it single handedly

I’m going to stand outside, so if anyone asks I’m outstanding.

Wouldn’t exercise be more fun if calories screamed while you burned them?

What do you call a guy no arms no legs in the mail box? Bill.

White boards are remarkable