Our cat was just sick on the carpet. I don’t think its feline well.

What do you call a guy with his legs cut off at the knees?
Neil

What’s got four legs and one arm? A Rottweiler.

You used asbestos in that wall?
That was asbestos I could do.

I bought a cuckoo clock at an army disposals store. Last night at ten o’clock the bird chirped 2200 times.

I got a photo with R.E.M
That’s me in the corner

I swear to drunk I’m not god but seriously, stay in drugs, eat school and don’t do vegetables

White boards are remarkable

At an interview:
First question: “Describe yourself in 3 words”
Me: “Not good with numbers”.

I got banned from the secret cooking society… For spilling the beans.

What did the buffalo say to his son? Bison

Two bars walk into a man, LSD is powerful stuff

I just realised that I haven’t done the hokey pokey in over 10 years. I guess when you get older, you just forget what it’s all about.

Give a Nigerian a fish he’ll eat for a day. Teach a Nigerian to phish and he’ll become a prince and start e-mailing people

I broke a can opener. It’s a can’t opener now.

What do PCs and air conditioners have in common?
They both become useless when you open windows

Why are teddy bears never hungry?
Because they’re stuffed

I just found out I’m colorblind. The diagnosis came completely out of the purple.