Why did Santa’s helper get depressed?
He had low elf esteem

37 consonants, 25 vowels, a question mark, and a comma went to court.
They will be sentenced next Friday.

I can cut down a tree just by looking at it. It’s true. I saw it with my own eyes

At breakfast this morning, my wife said she’s leaving me because of my obsession with Twitter.

I almost choked on my #Brown.

What’s E.T. short for?
He’s got little legs

Statistically speaking, 6 out of 7 dwarves aren’t happy

An African-American guy and a Mexican guy opened a restaurant. It’s called Nacho Mama.

I’m going to stand outside, so if anyone asks I’m outstanding.

Doing things that you are not supposed to do at work makes your vision, hearing and alertness much better.

I would give my right arm to be ambidextrous!

Little Red Riding Hood found in a critical condition. Paramedics have stabilised her condition, but she’s not out of the woods yet.

Light travels faster than sound. That’s why some people appear quite bright – until you hear them talk.

Several guys are sitting around having a drink and one guy says “My wife’s an angel” another guy says “Your lucky, mines still alive.”

Took my dog to a bonfire and as he sat there staring at it blankly I realised he loves sticks. I was burning a giant pile of his toys.

I’m trying to write jokes about unemployed people, but they need more work

A magician walks down an alley and turns into a bar

I miss my umbilical cord. Must have grown attached to it

My cross-eyed wife and I just got a divorce. We didn’t see eye to eye. I also found out she was seeing someone on the side.

Why is life in North Korea so hard? Because North Korea lost its Seoul.

Two goldfish are in a tank. One says to the other, “do you know how to drive this thing?”