Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can’t have your kayak and heat it too.


When my blonde neighbour asked me if I knew about items missing from her clothesline I nearly wet her pants.


I gave all my dead batteries away today…
free of charge


Did you hear about the man who was accidentally buried alive?
It was a grave mistake.


My wife said that if I don’t get off my computer and do the dishes she’ll slam my head on the keyboard, but I think she’s jokinfjreoiwjrtwe4to8rkljreun8f4ny84c8y4t58lym4wthylmhawt4mylt4amlathnatyn


Have you ever tried eating a clock? It’s time consuming


Is it bad to tell knock knock jokes to homeless people?


“You haven’t listened to a word I’ve said, have you?” always seems like a strange way for my wife to start a conversation.


It’s been 2 days since I’ve had McDonald’s, I’m getting the shakes… and the fries.


30 seconds left on the microwave.
Women: set table, pour drinks, tweet, talk on the phone.
Men: do the space shuttle countdown.


What’s Michael Jackson’s favourite painting?
Sha-Mona Lisa


Last night me and my wife watched three DVDs back to back. Luckily I was the one facing the TV.


What do PCs and air conditioners have in common?
They both become useless when you open windows


What does it take to make an octopus laugh?
Ten tickles


Iā€™m not a fan of the new pound coin, but then again, I hate all change.


Did you hear about the murder at the fish shop the other day!!

2 fish got battered to death

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