Why did the pig stop sunbathing? He was bacon in the heat

A hungry traveller stops at a monastery and is taken to the kitchens. A brother is frying chips. ‘Are you the friar?’ he asks. ‘No. I’m the chip monk,’ he replies.

Waking up this morning was an eye-opening experience

What do you call a parade of rabbits hopping backwards?
A receding hare-line

People are making end of the world jokes like there is no tomorrow.

I may not be getting lucky tonight, but I’m definitely banging my snooze button in the morning.

An old man threw out his hip.. What a waist

Last night me and my wife watched three DVDs back to back. Luckily I was the one facing the TV.

When an employment application asks who is to be notified in case of emergency, I always write, “A very good doctor”

An SEO guy walks into a bar, pub, inn, tavern, hotel, public house, brew house, beer hall, bodega, izakaya

A furniture store keeps calling me. All I wanted was one night stand.

What did the blanket say as it fell of the bed?
Oh sheet

Scared the postman today by going to the door naked.
I’m not sure what scared him more, my naked body or the fact that I knew where he lived.

PMS jokes aren’t funny. Period.

I met my wife at an Arthritis support meeting.
You know when two people just click.

An African-American guy and a Mexican guy opened a restaurant. It’s called Nacho Mama.

I imagine a handshake means something completely different to a cannibal.

I’m not lazy… I’m just on my energy saving mode.