There was a prison break and I saw a midget climb up the fence. As he jumped down her sneered at me and I thought, well that’s a little condescending.

My cross-eyed wife and I just got a divorce. We didn’t see eye to eye. I also found out she was seeing someone on the side.

Why did everyone want to hang out with the mushroom? Because he was a fungi.

I have only seen people underwhelmed or overwhelmed, never whelmed properly.

What do you call a woman that sets her bills on fire? Bernadette

I’m hosting a marathon for people with chronic diarrhea. It’s a run for the runs

What’s the difference between a dirty bus stop and a lobster with breast implants?

One’s a crusty bus station and the other a busty crustacean

“Give me a sentence about a public servant” the teacher instructed her second-grade student.
“The fireman came down the ladder pregnant” he answered.
“Umm … Do you know what pregnant means?”
“Yes” said the boy. “It means carrying a child”

I’ve decided to sell my Hoover … well, it was just collecting dust

What do PCs and air conditioners have in common?
They both become useless when you open windows

Fishermen are reel men.

Shouldn’t pregnant women be called body builders?

What did the blanket say as it fell of the bed?
Oh sheet

What did the NSA analyst say to his co-worker when their female colleague walked past?
“I’d tap that”

What’s the difference between a hippo and a Zippo?
One’s really heavy and the other is a little lighter

I’m the kind of guy who stops the microwave at 1 second just to feel like a bomb defuser.

How do you drown a hipster?
Throw him into the mainstream