#631
I applied for a government job but accidentally sent the wrong resume. This early display of incompetence should work in my favour.
I applied for a government job but accidentally sent the wrong resume. This early display of incompetence should work in my favour.
Hung a picture up on the wall the other day. Nailed it.
Did you know I was bilingual? Yeah I speak English and profanity
An atheist, a vegan and a Crossfitter walk into a bar. I only know because they told everyone within the first three minutes.
Why do all of P-Diddy’s kids have nice hair?
Because Sean Combs
My girlfriend and I often laugh about how competitive we are. But I laugh more.
What do ducks wear to weddings? Duxedos
White boards are remarkable
I always take life with a grain of salt, …plus a slice of lemon, …and a shot of tequila.
My wife’s mad because I paid for my dope out of our joint account. I thought that was why we had it.
My wife is leaving me because I’m going bald.
I’m not bothered, it’s hair loss.
I bought a ceiling fan the other day. Complete waste of money. He just stands there applauding and saying โOoh, I love how smooth it isโ
“Jesus loves you.”
A nice gesture in church.
A horrific thing to hear in a Mexican prison.
Good news for all you narcoleptics. Only 300 sleeps till Christmas!
Someone says to his friend: “I bought a cat” And the other: “You have to be kitten me!”
Why did Santaโs helper get depressed?
He had low elf esteem
What’s the difference between a joke and a rhetorical question?
If we get rid of all the margarine the world will be a butter place.
I bet the butcher $50 that he couldn’t reach the meat off the top shelf. He said, “No, the steaks are too high.”
Apparently I snore so loudly that it scares everyone in the car I’m driving