#631

I applied for a government job but accidentally sent the wrong resume. This early display of incompetence should work in my favour.

#661

Hung a picture up on the wall the other day. Nailed it.

#65

Did you know I was bilingual? Yeah I speak English and profanity

#178

An atheist, a vegan and a Crossfitter walk into a bar. I only know because they told everyone within the first three minutes.

#366

Why do all of P-Diddy’s kids have nice hair?
Because Sean Combs

#595

My girlfriend and I often laugh about how competitive we are. But I laugh more.

#494

I always take life with a grain of salt, …plus a slice of lemon, …and a shot of tequila.

#641

My wife’s mad because I paid for my dope out of our joint account. I thought that was why we had it.

#217

My wife is leaving me because I’m going bald.

I’m not bothered, it’s hair loss.

#889

I bought a ceiling fan the other day. Complete waste of money. He just stands there applauding and saying โ€œOoh, I love how smooth it isโ€

#236

“Jesus loves you.”

A nice gesture in church.

A horrific thing to hear in a Mexican prison.

#836

Good news for all you narcoleptics. Only 300 sleeps till Christmas!

#742

Someone says to his friend: “I bought a cat” And the other: “You have to be kitten me!”

#898

Why did Santaโ€™s helper get depressed?
He had low elf esteem

#57

What’s the difference between a joke and a rhetorical question?

#546

If we get rid of all the margarine the world will be a butter place.

#298

I bet the butcher $50 that he couldn’t reach the meat off the top shelf. He said, “No, the steaks are too high.”

#411

Apparently I snore so loudly that it scares everyone in the car I’m driving

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