Why do blondes tip-toe past medicine cabinets?
So they don’t wake up the sleeping pills

I’m going to stand outside, so if anyone asks I’m outstanding.

The best way to carve wood is whittle by whittle

Why did Humpty Dumpty push his girlfriend off the wall? So he could see her crack!

A naked man broke into a church. The police chased him around and finally caught him by the organ.

Claustrophobic people are more productive thinking out of the box.

Where do fish work? The offish.

I can hear music coming out of my printer.
I think the paper’s jammin’ again.

Yeah, it was on Fry Day, I can’t believe they got killed for the halibut. No motive, someone should seas the culprit. I’m crabby bout it all

Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
-Librarians arguing

I wasn’t happy with my sons school report. He said okay. I said I want more A’s. He said okaaaaaaaay

How do you find Will Smith in the snow?
You look for the fresh prints

Don’t fart in an apple store, there’s no windows!

Last night me and my wife watched three DVDs back to back. Luckily I was the one facing the TV.

Do you know why i make puns?
its my respunsibility.

PMS jokes aren’t funny. Period.

A horse walks into a bar, across the room, up the back wall, across the ceiling, down the front wall and then up to the bar. The bartender gives the horse a beer, he drinks it and leaves. A guy sitting at the bar looks perplexed and asks the bartender “Hey, what’s that all about?” The bartender replies, “Don’t take it personally, he never says ‘Hi’ to anyone.”

What’s Michael Jackson’s favourite painting?
Sha-Mona Lisa