I applied for a government job but accidentally sent the wrong resume. This early display of incompetence should work in my favour.

Hung a picture up on the wall the other day. Nailed it.

Did you know I was bilingual? Yeah I speak English and profanity

An atheist, a vegan and a Crossfitter walk into a bar. I only know because they told everyone within the first three minutes.

Why do all of P-Diddy’s kids have nice hair?
Because Sean Combs

My girlfriend and I often laugh about how competitive we are. But I laugh more.

What do ducks wear to weddings? Duxedos

White boards are remarkable

I always take life with a grain of salt, …plus a slice of lemon, …and a shot of tequila.

My wife’s mad because I paid for my dope out of our joint account. I thought that was why we had it.

My wife is leaving me because I’m going bald.

I’m not bothered, it’s hair loss.

I bought a ceiling fan the other day. Complete waste of money. He just stands there applauding and saying “Ooh, I love how smooth it is”

“Jesus loves you.”

A nice gesture in church.

A horrific thing to hear in a Mexican prison.

Someone says to his friend: “I bought a cat” And the other: “You have to be kitten me!”

Why did Santa’s helper get depressed?
He had low elf esteem

What’s the difference between a joke and a rhetorical question?

If we get rid of all the margarine the world will be a butter place.

I bet the butcher $50 that he couldn’t reach the meat off the top shelf. He said, “No, the steaks are too high.”

Apparently I snore so loudly that it scares everyone in the car I’m driving