#96

They’re always telling me to live my dreams. But I don’t want to be naked in an exam I haven’t revised for!

#601

My dad used to be a human cannonball in the circus. They’ve never found another man of his caliber

#192

I got banned from the secret cooking society… For spilling the beans.

#450

I married Miss Right. I just didn’t know her first name was Always.

#447

Cats spend two thirds of their lives sleeping, and the other third making viral videos.

#138

I met my wife at an Arthritis support meeting.
You know when two people just click.

#208

I thought I had a Japanese friend, but it was just my imagine asian

#793

I couldn’t get in to the library last night.
It was over booked.

#504

A woman’s mind is cleaner than a man’s: She changes it more often.

#424

If procrastionation was an Olympic sport, I’d compete in it later.

#583

“Give me a sentence about a public servant” the teacher instructed her second-grade student.
“The fireman came down the ladder pregnant” he answered.
“Umm … Do you know what pregnant means?”
“Yes” said the boy. “It means carrying a child”

#831

I was having a dip at the swimming pool when the lifeguard asked, “What have you got there?” I said “Tzatziki”.

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