What do you get when giraffes collide?
A giraffic jam

What do you do if a blonde throws a grenade at you? Pull the pin and throw it back.

As I said before, I never repeat myself.

I have a stepladder. Because my real ladder left when I was a kid

Why can’t you hear a pterodactyl in the toilet? Because it has a silent p

What do you call the security outside of a Samsung Store?
Guardians of the Galaxy.

Why did the chicken go to a séance? To communicate with the other side

If I get interviewed by a police sketch artist, my only goal will be to see how far I get before he realizes I’m making him draw a pirate.

I called the cops about a murder on my front lawn.
They said they couldn’t do anything about crows and to stop calling them.

Is google a woman? Because it won’t let you finish your sentence without coming up with other suggestions.

Did you hear about the guy who got hit in the head with a can of soda? He was lucky it was a soft drink.

My cross-eyed wife and I just got a divorce. We didn’t see eye to eye. I also found out she was seeing someone on the side.

What do you call a fake noodle? An Impasta

If you lose your hearing, is it ear replaceable?

The sex was so good that even the neighbors had a cigarette.

I wanted to watch the world origami championship on TV but it was only on paper view.

The year 2020 is going to be filled with so many puns about perfect vision

I can just see it now.

Little Red Riding Hood found in a critical condition. Paramedics have stabilised her condition, but she’s not out of the woods yet.