Relationships are a lot like algebra. Have you ever thought about your X and wondered Y?

What’s the difference between mechanical engineers and civil engineers?

Mechanical engineers build weapons. Civil engineers build targets.

Velociraptor = Distance raptor / Time raptor

Why did the birdie go to the hospital? He needed a tweetment

A donkey fell into a bowl of sugar. Now that’s a sweet ass!!

Someone told me my clothes looked gay..
They did come out of the closet this morning.

A hungry traveller stops at a monastery and is taken to the kitchens. A brother is frying chips. ‘Are you the friar?’ he asks. ‘No. I’m the chip monk,’ he replies.

What do you call an academically successful slice of bread? An honor roll.

Got a new job as a hostage negotiator. Tried to ring in sick but they talked me out of it.

Some cause happiness wherever they go; others whenever they go.

Rick Astley will let you borrow any movie from his Pixar collection, except one. He’s never gonna give you Up

What do you call someone who sells their body for a bowl of spaghetti? A pastatute!

My wife told me to get our red headed son ready for school. So I beat him up and took his lunch money.

If we get rid of all the margarine the world will be a butter place.

A handicapped guy stole my wallet.
He can hide but he can’t run

Two men broke into a drugstore and stole all the Viagra. The police put out an alert to be on the lookout for the two hardened criminals

Relationships between men and women is psychological.
She is psycho and he is logical.

So after I won the game for our team I decided to throw the ball into the crowd like they do on T.V.
Apparently, that’s a no-no in bowling.

How do Mexicans stay warm in winter? Fajitas