I stayed up all night to find out where the sun went, then it dawned on me…

At an interview:
First question: “Describe yourself in 3 words”
Me: “Not good with numbers”.

I saw a bishop the other day. Wondered why he wasn’t walking diagonally

What do you call the security outside of a Samsung Store?
Guardians of the Galaxy.

Yo mamma is so fat that when she sat on a laptop, the hardware turned into software!

I’m not passive aggressive. Unlike some people.

If you spent your day in a well, can you say your day was well-spent?

Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can’t have your kayak and heat it too.

A bartender walks into a church, a temple and a mosque. He has no idea how jokes work.

I called the cops about a murder on my front lawn.
They said they couldn’t do anything about crows and to stop calling them.

What part of your body likes to get frisky?
The naked eye

What’s orange and sounds like a parrot?
A carrot

What advice did Notorious B.I.G give to his cows?
Moo money, moo problems

What do you call somebody with body and just a nose? Nobody nose!

I miss my umbilical cord. Must have grown attached to it

What do you call a guy no arms no legs in the mail box? Bill.

My annual performance review says I lack “passion & intensity”, guess management hasn’t seen me alone with a Big Mac.