Why don’t helicopters fly in the morning? Twirly

What do you call a parade of rabbits hopping backwards?
A receding hare-line

My wife is leaving me because I’m going bald.

I’m not bothered, it’s hair loss.

I have only seen people underwhelmed or overwhelmed, never whelmed properly.

What do the movies titanic and the sixth sense have in common.
Icy dead people.

I work in a library. Literally, all we do is judge books by their covers.

Heard about the new restaurant called Karma?
There’s no menu – you get what you deserve

There was a man who entered a local paper’s pun contest.. He sent in ten different puns, in the hope that at least one of the puns would win. Unfortunately, no pun in ten did.

About a month before he died, my uncle had his back covered in lard. After that, he went down hill fast.

There are only 10 types of people in the world: those who understand binary and those who don’t

Why is too much alcohol bad for you?

Because that would be too whiskey.

My neighbour is a stripper and a coeliac which is tough because she can only jump out of certain cakes.

The other night I had a knife in one hand and a block of colby in the other…
I told the kids to leave the room before I cut the cheese.

What do you call Watson when Sherlock isn’t around? Holmeless.

Where does Buzz Lightyear go furniture shopping at? Bed, Bath, and BEYOND!

My ex-wife is standing at the opposite end of the museum from me. I want to say hello but there’s just too much history between us.

“Whenever we drive past a graveyard my dad says, ‘Do you know why I can’t be buried there?’ And we all say, ‘Why not?’ And he says, ‘Because I’m not dead yet!’”

I was walking my dog through the cemetery when I saw a guy crouching behind a gravestone.
I said “Morning”. He said, “No, just having a sh**”.