When I get naked in the bathroom, the shower usually gets turned on.

I’ve decided to sell my Hoover … well, it was just collecting dust

What do you call a cow that just gave birth?
Decalfeinated.

Becoming a vegetarian was a huge missed steak

Two birds are sitting on a perch and one says “Do you smell fish?”

I don’t know if I just got hit by freezing rain, but it hurt like hail.

I’ve just been on a once-in-a-lifetime holiday. I’ll tell you what, never again

What kind of exercise do lazy people do? Diddly-squats.

Why couldn’t the toilet paper cross the road?
It got stuck in a crack

I remember last summer I was so excited when the water restrictions were lifted I wet my plants.

i thought i got a type a in blood test but it was actually a typ-o

I bet the butcher $50 that he couldn’t reach the meat off the top shelf. He said, “No, the steaks are too high.”

How many Freudians does it take to change a light bulb? Sex.

Last night me and my wife watched three DVDs back to back. Luckily I was the one facing the TV.

Clones are people two

I don’t think it’s possible for me to become a sniper. Not by a long shot.

I didn’t like my beard at first but then it grew on me.

An old man threw out his hip.. What a waist

Have I told you this deja vu joke before?