If you’re looking for quality, never buy fireworks from a guy with more than seven fingers.

I was walking my dog through the cemetery when I saw a guy crouching behind a gravestone.
I said “Morning”. He said, “No, just having a sh**”.

Did you know I was bilingual? Yeah I speak English and profanity

I have a fear of speed bumps, but I’m slowly getting over it

Somebody ripped a whole bunch of pages out of my dictionary. It just goes from bad to worse

My friend has got a butler who only has one arm.
Serves him right.

I am frustrated than a dragon trying to blow out candles.

Why did the Mexican throw his wife off a bridge?
Tequila

I’m hosting a marathon for people with chronic diarrhea. It’s a run for the runs

Interviewer: “So how long were you employed in your last job?”
Me: “I’d say my biggest weakness is my listening skills.”

Did you hear about the cheese factory that exploded in France? There was nothing left but de Brie.

Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

There was a man who entered a local paper’s pun contest.. He sent in ten different puns, in the hope that at least one of the puns would win. Unfortunately, no pun in ten did.

My friend dug a hole in the garden and filled it with water. I think he meant well.

I poured root beer into a square glass.
Now I just have beer

Have you heard about the cannibal that passed his brother in the forest?

I met a woman with 12 boobs…
Sounds weird dozen tit!

What’s the opposite of Christopher Reeve?
Christopher Walken

Me: Go to sleep before the monsters get you.
Daughter: Monsters aren’t real.
Me: You sound like your sister.
Daughter: Sister?
Me: I’ve said too much already…