People who sometimes use the wrong words should have the humidity to admit it.

I know Jiu-Jitsu, Sambo, Judo, Aikido and lots of other scary words.

A man is being arrested by a female police officer, who informs him, “Anything you say can and will be held against you.” The man replies, “Boobs!”

I went to a zoo in China last month, all they had in it was a small fluffy dog.
It was a Shitzu.

I was addicted to the hokey pokey but i turned myself around

Me: Go to sleep before the monsters get you.
Daughter: Monsters aren’t real.
Me: You sound like your sister.
Daughter: Sister?
Me: I’ve said too much already…

A bill collector came to my house the other day, so I gave him a huge stack of old bills

I’m so introverted I won’t even talk to myself.

I hate those stupid little Russian nesting dolls

they’re so full of themselves

Impotence: Nature’s way of saying “No hard feelings”.

If you spent your day in a well, can you say your day was well-spent?

I saw a bishop the other day. Wondered why he wasn’t walking diagonally

What do you call a midget psychic who just escaped from prison? A small medium at large

So this guy with a premature ejaculation problem comes out of nowhere

I wasn’t particularly close to my dad before he died…
Which was lucky, because he trod on a landmine.

I gave all my dead batteries away today…
free of charge

The first rule of Alzheimer’s club, is don’t talk about chess club

My dad said, always leave them wanting more.
Ironically, that’s how he lost his job in disaster relief.