What does a thesaurus eat for breakfast?
Synonym rolls

Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can’t have your kayak and heat it too.

My wife asked me to bring home stuff for the pancakes. She wasn’t happy when I arrived with a push-up bra.

What do you call a snobbish prisoner going down the stairs?
A condescending con descending

How much does a hipster weigh? An instagram

I don’t get people who stumble into mirrors. They need to watch themselves.

I may not be getting lucky tonight, but I’m definitely banging my snooze button in the morning.

What kind of bees make milk?
Boobies

There’s no “i” in denial

Several guys are sitting around having a drink and one guy says “My wife’s an angel” another guy says “Your lucky, mines still alive.”

What kind of prize do you give someone who hasn’t moved a muscle in over a year?
Atrophy.

I went on a once in a lifetime holiday. Never again.

I’m trying to write jokes about unemployed people, but they need more work

How much did it cost for the pirate to get his ears pierced?.

A buccaneer

I’ve decided to sell my Hoover … well, it was just collecting dust

There are 2 rules for success:
1. Don’t tell all you know.

Deja Moo – the feeling that you’ve heard this bull before

Your mammas not fat. She’s just… easier to see

I really hate those people who knock at your door and tell you how you need to be ‘saved’ or you’ll ‘burn.’
Stupid firemen.

Build a man a fire, and he’ll be warm for a day. Set a man on fire, and he’ll be warm for the rest of his life.