#314
I have two boys, 5 and 6. We’re no good at naming things in our house.
#606
How was Rome split in two?
With a pair of Caesars
#575
What did the NSA analyst say to his co-worker when their female colleague walked past?
“I’d tap that”
#163
When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds
#15
Waking up this morning was an eye-opening experience
#241
My ex-girlfriend still misses me. But her aim is steadily improving.
#777
I lost my mood ring and I don’t know how to feel about it
#478
There are plenty of fish in the sea but until you catch one you’re just stuck here holding your rod…
#570
Give a Nigerian a fish he’ll eat for a day. Teach a Nigerian to phish and he’ll become a prince and start e-mailing people
#786
Interviewer asked me if I’d make a good waiter.
Let’s just say I can bring a lot to the table
#224
What do you call two Mexicans playing basketball? Juan on Juan
#772
You’re not drunk if you can lie on the floor without holding on.
#390
Why was the thermometer smarter than the graduated cylinder?
He had more degrees
#412
Why did the mobile phone need glasses?
It lost all its contacts
#607
What do people wear in a trench? Trench coats.
#70
Two goldfish are in a tank. One says to the other, “do you know how to drive this thing?”
#411
Apparently I snore so loudly that it scares everyone in the car I’m driving
#169
I don’t mind kids playing hopscotch in most places, but my driveway is where I draw the line.
#294
Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can’t have your kayak and heat it too.
#814
What do you call a wolf that knows what’s going on?
Awarewolf
