I asked my wife “What do you want me to do with this big roll of bubble wrap?”
She said “Just pop it in the corner”.
It took me 4 hours.

I like to imagine the guy who invented the umbrella was going to call it the ‘brella’. But he hesitated.

An atheist, a vegan and a Crossfitter walk into a bar. I only know because they told everyone within the first three minutes.

My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance. We’ll see about that.

Why couldn’t the toilet paper cross the road?
It got stuck in a crack

There was a man who entered a local paper’s pun contest.. He sent in ten different puns, in the hope that at least one of the puns would win. Unfortunately, no pun in ten did.

My kids have been throwing Scrabble tiles at each other again.

it’s all fun and games until someone loses an i.

There was a prison break and I saw a midget climb up the fence. As he jumped down her sneered at me and I thought, well that’s a little condescending.

They say make up sex is the best…
Which is lucky, because all my sex is made up.

My mate’s sex change operation from male to female went very well.
They did such a good job he’s still trying to reverse out of the hospital car park.

Why don’t flies go to church?
Because they’re in sects

My wife is leaving me because I’m going bald.

I’m not bothered, it’s hair loss.

Someone says to his friend: “I bought a cat” And the other: “You have to be kitten me!”

I’m going to stand outside, so if anyone asks I’m outstanding.

What is Mozart doing right now? Decomposing.

What do you call a guy with his legs cut off at the knees?
Neil

How do you drown a hipster?
Throw him into the mainstream

My mate had a terrible accident a while ago. He fell into an Upholstering Machine.

He’s fully recovered now though.

What’s got four legs and one arm? A Rottweiler.