Apparently I snore so loudly that it scares everyone in the car I’m driving

I burnt My Hawaiian pizza today…

I should’ve cooked it on aloha temperature

When are holes beautiful? When they’re gorges.

I asked my North Korean friend how it was there, he said he couldn’t complain

I went on a once in a lifetime holiday. Never again.

My ex-wife has lessons with the devil on how to be more evil. I don’t know what she charges him.

I’ve decided to sell my Hoover … well, it was just collecting dust

I bought a ceiling fan the other day. Complete waste of money. He just stands there applauding and saying “Ooh, I love how smooth it is”

Did you hear about the cross eyed teacher?
Couldn’t control his pupils

Wanted to tell you a joke about tv controllers but it’s not even remotely funny

Last night me and my wife watched three DVDs back to back. Luckily I was the one facing the TV.

If pronouncing my b’s as v’s makes me sound Russian, then soviet.

I work in a library. Literally, all we do is judge books by their covers.

I gave Stevie wonder a cheese grater for his birthday. He said it was the most violent book he’s ever read.

Puts the car into reverse.
“Ah, this takes me back”

Did you hear about the murder at the fish shop the other day!!

2 fish got battered to death

What did the hat say to the hat rack?
You stay here I’m going on a head

What do you call a potato wearing glasses?
A spectater