#462
Wouldn’t exercise be more fun if calories screamed while you burned them?
#377
Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one – and let the other one off.
#572
NSA Pickup Line #2:
I know exactly where you have been all my life
#1
“Whenever we drive past a graveyard my dad says, ‘Do you know why I can’t be buried there?’ And we all say, ‘Why not?’ And he says, ‘Because I’m not dead yet!’”
#627
Smoking will give you cancer.
Eating bacon will you give you cancer.
But for some reason, smoking bacon will cure it.
#606
How was Rome split in two?
With a pair of Caesars
#667
Impotence: Nature’s way of saying “No hard feelings”.
#498
How can you spot the blind guy at the nudist colony? It’s not hard.
#799
Dad: Son, I don’t think you’re cut out to be a mime artist
Son: Was it something I said?
Dad: Yes
#385
My friend dug a hole in the garden and filled it with water. I think he meant well.
#431
My wife left me because I sold her wheelchair. I knew she’d come crawling back
#846
Did you hear about the houses falling in love? It was a lawn-distance relationship.
#616
Did you hear about the cross eyed teacher?
Couldn’t control his pupils
#474
Do not argue with an idiot. They will drag you down to their level and beat you with experience.
#20
I went to a zoo in China last month, all they had in it was a small fluffy dog.
It was a Shitzu.
#173
What’s the leading cause of dry skin? Towels
#786
Interviewer asked me if I’d make a good waiter.
Let’s just say I can bring a lot to the table
#586
As soon as the hospital made me put on one of those little gowns, I knew the end was in sight
#128
My wife told me to get our red headed son ready for school. So I beat him up and took his lunch money.
#363
What part of your body likes to get frisky?
The naked eye