I’m not a fan of the new pound coin, but then again, I hate all change.

Scared the postman today by going to the door naked.
I’m not sure what scared him more, my naked body or the fact that I knew where he lived.

I’m not saying your perfume is too strong. I’m just saying the canary was alive before you got here.

My wife says I’m immature. I told her to get out of my fort

My deaf girlfriend was talking in her sleep last night. She nearly took my eye out.

3 people having sex is a threesome, 2 is a twosome. So next time someone calls you ‘handsome’, don’t take it as a compliment!

I gave all my dead batteries away today…
free of charge

About a month before he died, my uncle had his back covered in lard. After that, he went down hill fast.

Dogs can’t operate MRI machines… but catscan

What do you call a guy with a car on his head?
Jack

Why did the snowman smile?
Because the snowblower was coming

What do dinosaurs pay their bills with?
Tyrannosaurus Cheques

Atheists don’t solve exponential equations because they don’t believe in higher powers.

How do you count cows? With a cowculater.

My party trick is swallowing two peices of string and an hour later they come out of my arse tied together. I shit you knot.

The funeral for the man who invented Chinese whispers will be held on Monday. Pass it on.

What is Bruce Lee’s favourite drink? Wataaaaahh!

Red meat is not bad for you. Fuzzy green meat is bad for you.