If you could rehydrate those raisins, that’d be grapes.

Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
-Librarians arguing

What do you call an Asian lady with one leg?
Irene

My tailor is happy to make a pair of pants for me, or at least sew it seams.

Why is life in North Korea so hard? Because North Korea lost its Seoul.

Why did the scarecrow win an award? Because he was outstanding in his field.

Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can’t have your kayak and heat it too.

How do you fix a broken pumpkin? With a pumpkin patch.

What did Michael Jackson call his denim store?
Billie Jeans

Nothing makes me more suspicious than an unsolicited compliment.

The only dates I get these days are software updates

PMS should just be called ovary-acting

How much does a hipster weigh? An instagram

I just wrote a book on reverse psychology. Do *not* read it!

What’s it like being in a vacuum cleaner? It sucks

When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds

Last night me and my wife watched three DVDs back to back. Luckily I was the one facing the TV.

Build a man a fire, and he’ll be warm for a day. Set a man on fire, and he’ll be warm for the rest of his life.

No deja vu please…
I don’t want to go through that again