What do you call a Mexican with a vasectomy?
A dry Martinez

Whenever I pass someone texting and driving, I throw my beer at their window

What do you call a guy no arms no legs in the mail box? Bill.

I used to work in a shoe recycling shop. It was sole destroying

How do mathematicians scold their children?

“If I’ve told you n times, I’ve told you n+1 times …”

The invisible man and invisible woman had children… they weren’t much to look at

I love the F5 key. It´s just so refreshing.

When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds

There was a man who entered a local paper’s pun contest.. He sent in ten different puns, in the hope that at least one of the puns would win. Unfortunately, no pun in ten did.

When you have a bladder infection, urine trouble

I quit my job at the helium gas factory, I refuse to be talked to in that tone of voice!

I always take life with a grain of salt, …plus a slice of lemon, …and a shot of tequila.

At any given moment the urge to sing, “The Lion Sleeps Tonight” is just a whim away. A whim away. A whim away.

How did the farmer find his wife?

He tractor down.

What do you call people who are afraid of Santa Claus? Claustrophobic

What do you call a cow that just gave birth?
Decalfeinated.

Doesn’t expecting the unexpected make the unexpected become the expected?

Which dinosaur knew the most words?
The thesaurus.