You heard of that new band 1023MB? They’re good but they haven’t got a gig yet.

30 seconds left on the microwave.
Women: set table, pour drinks, tweet, talk on the phone.
Men: do the space shuttle countdown.

What did one lumber jack say to another lumber jack?
“I need to axe you a question”

I’m the kind of guy who stops the microwave at 1 second just to feel like a bomb defuser.

I bought some shoes from a drug dealer. I don’t know what he laced them with, but I’ve been tripping all day.

Me: Go to sleep before the monsters get you.
Daughter: Monsters aren’t real.
Me: You sound like your sister.
Daughter: Sister?
Me: I’ve said too much already…

I poured root beer into a square glass.
Now I just have beer

Two dyslexics walk into a bra…

How many south Americans does it take to change a light bulb? A Brazilian

The only dates I get these days are software updates

There are so many scams on the Internet these days…. but for $19.95 I can show you how to avoid them.

How do Mexicans stay warm in winter? Fajitas

What do you call a lady with one leg?
Eileen

My wife asked me to join her for yoga class. I said “Namaste home”

I bought my friend an elephant for their room.

They said “thank you”

I said “Don’t mention it”

What do you call Watson when Sherlock isn’t around? Holmeless.

What did the bra say to the hat?
You go on a head I’m gonna give these two a lift

Waitress: ‘Do u have any questions about the menu?’ Me: ‘What kind of font is this?’