Why don’t flies go to church?
Because they’re in sects

The thing about dwarfs and midgets is that they have very little in common

My wife asked me to bring home stuff for the pancakes. She wasn’t happy when I arrived with a push-up bra.

At an interview:
First question: “Describe yourself in 3 words”
Me: “Not good with numbers”.

LSD causes users to lose weight. Obviously you can’t eat when a dragon is guarding the fridge

What do you call a fat psychic? A four-chin teller.

I got into a fight with my boner this morning. Don’t worry, I beat it single handedly

I just deleted all the German names off my phone. It’s Hans free

A furniture store keeps calling me. All I wanted was one night stand.

No matter how much you push the envelope, it’ll still be stationery.

Have you ever tried eating a clock? It’s time consuming

How do you fix a broken pumpkin? With a pumpkin patch.

I used to be in a band, we were called ‘lost dog’. You probably saw our posters.

What do you call a midget psychic who just escaped from prison? A small medium at large

When a deaf person sees someone yawn do they think it’s a scream?

Rick Astley will let you borrow any movie from his Pixar collection, except one. He’s never gonna give you Up

I only trust people who like big butts. They cannot lie.

What did the cow say to her calf?
It’s pasture bed time

This weight loss website wants me to accept cookies. Hmm…