#326
I mustache you a question but I’ll Shave it for later
#329
My friend has got a butler who only has one arm.
Serves him right.
#835
I said to a mate, “What’s your pet hate?”
He said, “He doesn’t like it when the vet puts a thermometer up his butt”.
#431
My wife left me because I sold her wheelchair. I knew she’d come crawling back
#711
I went bobsleighing the other day, killed 250 bobs.
#4
I used to have a job at a calendar factory but I got the sack because I took a couple of days off
#48
Why do you never see elephants hiding in trees?
Because they’re so good at it!
#304
‘I hate tacos’ said no Juan ever
#508
My speech today will be like a mini-skirt. Long enough to cover the essentials but short enough to hold your attention!
#3
I can guess your blood type.
Its Red.
#738
30 seconds left on the microwave.
Women: set table, pour drinks, tweet, talk on the phone.
Men: do the space shuttle countdown.
#637
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
-Librarians arguing
#611
Lazy People Fact #5812672793:
You were too lazy to read that number.
#467
It’s bad luck to be superstitious.
#866
Age is just the number of hours I’m hungover for.
#272
Yo mamma is so fat that when she sat on a laptop, the hardware turned into software!
#519
Just found the worst page in the entire dictionary. What I saw was disgraceful, disgusting, dishonest, and disingenuous.
#184
A courtroom artist was arrested today for an unknown reason… details are sketchy.
#493
I got fired from my job as a chef for stealing kitchen equipment. It’s a whisk I was willing to take.
#344
Why don’t helicopters fly in the morning? Twirly