What do people wear in a trench? Trench coats.

Did you hear about the murder at the fish shop the other day!!

2 fish got battered to death

What do you call a sketchy Italian neighbourhood?
A Spaghetto

Why did the snowman smile?
Because the snowblower was coming

Currently the flower business is blooming.

Light travels faster than sound. That’s why some people appear quite bright – until you hear them talk.

My budgie broke his leg so I made him a tiny splint out of a couple of matches. His little face lit up when he tried to walk.

A Roman walks into a bar, sticks two fingers up to the barman and says, “Five beers please.”

The best way to carve wood is whittle by whittle

I went bobsleighing the other day, killed 250 bobs.

To the optimist, the glass is half full. To the pessimist, the glass is half empty. To the engineer, the glass is twice as big as it needs to be.

Cinderella got kicked off the basketball team because she ran away from the ball

A flashlight is a case for holding dead batteries.

I just read a book about Stockholm syndrome. It was pretty bad at first but by the end I kinda liked it

I just found out I’m colorblind. The diagnosis came completely out of the purple.

Have you heard about corduroy pillows?
They’re making headlines.

RIP boiled water. You will be mist.

What is invisible and smells like worms?
Bird farts

Two soldiers are in a tank.
One looks at the other and says “BLUBLUBBLUBLUBBLUB”