Becoming a vegetarian was a huge missed steak

Did you hear about the butcher who backed up into the meat grinder? He got a little behind in his work.

What’s the difference between voyeurs and thieves? Thieves snatch your watch.

Is it bad to tell knock knock jokes to homeless people?

I used to mix metaphors but that ship has flown.

What do you call a cow that just gave birth?
Decalfeinated.

When life gives you melons, you’re probably dyslexic.

I thought I had a Japanese friend, but it was just my imagine asian

My wife says I’m immature. I told her to get out of my fort

A courtroom artist was arrested today for an unknown reason… details are sketchy.

What’s the internal temperature of a Tauntaun?
Luke warm

Why do blonde girls walk in groups of odd numbers? Because they can’t even!

Thieves had broken into my house and stolen everything except my soap, shower gel, towels and deodorant.
Dirty Bastards.

What’s the difference between a dirty bus stop and a lobster with breast implants?

One’s a crusty bus station and the other a busty crustacean

Did you hear about the houses falling in love? It was a lawn-distance relationship.

“Children are like a sponge at this age,” I said as I used my neighbour’s toddler to wipe up my beer that he spilled.

How do you find Will Smith in the snow?
You look for the fresh prints

Did you hear about the man who jumped off a bridge in France? He was in Sein.

RIP boiled water. You will be mist.

What’s orange and sounds like a parrot?
A carrot