#313
I like to imagine the guy who invented the umbrella was going to call it the ‘brella’. But he hesitated.
#840
Are they chopsticks in your pocket are you just happy sashimi?
#124
My cousin drowned. At his funeral we laid a life jacket on his coffin.
It’s what he would have wanted.
#454
I don’t think it’s possible for me to become a sniper. Not by a long shot.
#136
My wife is complaining that I never buy her jewellery. To be fair, I didn’t even know she sold jewellery.
#174
If you could rehydrate those raisins, that’d be grapes.
#510
What do you do if a blonde throws a grenade at you? Pull the pin and throw it back.
#630
Why did the snowman smile?
Because the snowblower was coming
#668
I am frustrated than a dragon trying to blow out candles.
#18
Last night me and my wife watched three DVDs back to back. Luckily I was the one facing the TV.
#322
Why can’t you hear a pterodactyl in the toilet? Because it has a silent p
#487
My wife and I always compromise. I admit I’m wrong and she agrees with me.
#565
How does an evil cow laugh? Moohaha
#182
A giraffe walks into a bar. “Sorry”, said the barman, “We don’t serve Heineken here.”
#838
Arriving to meet a blind date:
Her: OMG! You actually wore pyjamas on a first date?
Me: Hang on a minute, you’re not blind!!
#793
I couldn’t get in to the library last night.
It was over booked.
#485
My wife said I never listen to her. Or something like that.
#823
Why did the grandma put wheels on her rocking chair? She liked to rock and roll
#554
Yeah I’m into fitness… Fitness pizza in my mouth!
#644
Scared the postman today by going to the door naked.
I’m not sure what scared him more, my naked body or the fact that I knew where he lived.