What do you call a guy with a car on his head?
Jack

A handicapped guy stole my wallet.
He can hide but he can’t run

What do you call a man with no arms or legs hanging on the wall?
Art

What’s the worst vegetable to eat on a boat?
Leek

You can’t run through a camping ground. You can only ran, because it’s past tents

Relationships are a lot like algebra. Have you ever thought about your X and wondered Y?

I married Miss Right. I just didn’t know her first name was Always.

Why can’t you take inventory in Afghanistan?
Because of the tally ban

What’s the difference between an oral thermometer and a rectal thermometer? The taste

What’s E.T. short for?
He’s got little legs

What do you call a number that can’t keep still?
A roamin’ numeral

A bill collector came to my house the other day, so I gave him a huge stack of old bills

What do you call people who are afraid of Santa Claus? Claustrophobic

What did the electrician say when he got shocked?
That hertz.

No deja vu please…
I don’t want to go through that again

I met a one-legged woman outside of a club the other day. She was a bouncer.

How do you find Will Smith in the snow?
You look for the fresh prints

Two cannibals are eating a clown. One cannibal turns to the other and asks, “This taste funny to you?”