Where does Buzz Lightyear go furniture shopping at? Bed, Bath, and BEYOND!

What do you call a cow with no legs?
Ground beef

My neighbor is in the Guinness World Records. He has had 44 concussions. He lives very close to me. A stone’s throw away, in fact.

Did you hear about the theme park ride made entirely out of iron?
It was a ferrous wheel

Cinderella got kicked off the basketball team because she ran away from the ball

Care to seduce a large woman?
Piece of cake!

I asked my wife for “something Cuban” for my birthday, and she got me a Che Guevara shirt.

Clothes, but no cigar.

You used asbestos in that wall?
That was asbestos I could do.

I wonder how many chameleons snuck onto Noah’s Ark

Why can’t you take inventory in Afghanistan?
Because of the tally ban

How do you drown a hipster?
Throw him into the mainstream

My wife was in labor with our first child when suddenly she began to shout, “Shouldn’t, couldn’t, wouldn’t, didn’t, can’t!”

“Doc, what’s wrong with my wife?” I asked.

“Nothing” he said. “She’s just having contractions.”

My dad used to be a human cannonball in the circus. They’ve never found another man of his caliber

Why do husbands die before their wives? They want to.

My wife just broke up with me for talking about video games too much, what a stupid thing to Fallout 4

There’s no “i” in denial

The future, the present and the past walked into a bar. Things got a little tense.

Heard about the new restaurant called Karma?
There’s no menu – you get what you deserve

What has four letters