My first job was working in an orange juice factory, but I got canned: couldn’t concentrate.

People are making end of the world jokes like there is no tomorrow.

Two goldfish are in a tank. One says to the other, “do you know how to drive this thing?”

He’s street smart. Sesame Street smart.

I’ve accidentally swallowed some Scrabble tiles. My next crap could spell disaster.

To the optimist, the glass is half full. To the pessimist, the glass is half empty. To the engineer, the glass is twice as big as it needs to be.

I called the vet to complain about a bill. He just put the phone down. As quickly and humanely as possible.

Got a new job as a hostage negotiator. Tried to ring in sick but they talked me out of it.

I named my hard drive “dat ass” so once a month my computer asks if I want to back dat ass up

A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says, “A beer please, and one for the road.”

Impotence: Nature’s way of saying “No hard feelings”.

Don’t fart in an apple store, there’s no windows!

My first day on the job at an IKEA store, I was told by my boss that employees needed to go to the meeting room before every shift. I asked why. He said, “Assembly required.”

I tried walking up a hill without a watch but had neither the time nor the inclination.

Welcome to Plastic Surgery Addicts Anonymous. I’m seeing a lot of new faces in the crowd this week and I have to say I’m really disappointed.

I asked the librarian if they had any books on paranoia?
She whispered, “They’re behind you”.

Did you hear about the man who jumped off a bridge in France? He was in Sein.

I hate peer pressure and you should too.

NSA Pickup Line #1:
Did you fall from heaven?
Because there’s no tracking data on how you arrived at this location