What do you call a guy covered in leaves?
Russell

37 consonants, 25 vowels, a question mark, and a comma went to court.
They will be sentenced next Friday.

Why did the snowman smile?
Because the snowblower was coming

What do you call the security outside of a Samsung Store?
Guardians of the Galaxy.

Why don’t cannibals eat clowns? They taste funny..

I, for one, like Roman numerals

A man was admitted to hospital with a number of toy horses up his backside. His condition is now stable.

I’ve just found out one of my mates works as a mime artist. He’s kept that quiet.

Even when I’m really tired I refuse to take naps during the day. My wife says I’m resisting a rest.

Have you heard about the restaurant on the moon?
Great food, no atmosphere.

I work in a library. Literally, all we do is judge books by their covers.

Why should you never trust a train?
They have loco motives

I threw an Asian man down a flight of stairs. It was Wong on so many levels.

Just found the worst page in the entire dictionary. What I saw was disgraceful, disgusting, dishonest, and disingenuous.

A guy walks into a bar and orders a fruit punch.
Bartender says “Pal, if you want a punch you’ll have to stand in line”. The guy looks around, but there is no punch line.

How do you turn a duck into a soul singer?
Put it in the microwave until it’s Bill Withers.

What do you call a man with no arms and no legs lying in your fireplace?
Bernie

My kids have been throwing Scrabble tiles at each other again.

it’s all fun and games until someone loses an i.

Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocaine during a root canal? His goal: transcend dental medication