#619

Adult: Someone who has stopped growing at both ends and now grows in the middle.

#269

I didn’t like my beard at first but then it grew on me.

#889

I bought a ceiling fan the other day. Complete waste of money. He just stands there applauding and saying β€œOoh, I love how smooth it is”

#462

Wouldn’t exercise be more fun if calories screamed while you burned them?

#526

What do you get when you cross a dyslexic, an insomniac, and an agnostic?
Someone who lays awake at night wondering if there is a dog.

#4

I used to have a job at a calendar factory but I got the sack because I took a couple of days off

#523

I gave all my dead batteries away today…
free of charge

#598

How do you turn a duck into a soul singer?
Put it in the microwave until it’s Bill Withers.

#231

So this bloke just came up to me & said i’ve just spilt my scrabble set on the road. I asked “Whats the word on the street?”

#471

What do a nearsighted gynecologist and a puppy have in common? A wet nose.

#862

Somebody ripped a whole bunch of pages out of my dictionary. It just goes from bad to worse

#424

If procrastionation was an Olympic sport, I’d compete in it later.

#429

A Chinese kid was born before the due date.
Parents named him Sudden Lee.

#298

I bet the butcher $50 that he couldn’t reach the meat off the top shelf. He said, “No, the steaks are too high.”

#103

My ex-wife has lessons with the devil on how to be more evil. I don’t know what she charges him.

#828

Did you know that one of the Knights of the Round Table collected taxes?
His name was Sir Charge

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