What do PCs and air conditioners have in common?
They both become useless when you open windows

My wife asked me to bring home stuff for the pancakes. She wasn’t happy when I arrived with a push-up bra.

Do not argue with an idiot. They will drag you down to their level and beat you with experience.

I knew a guy who collected candy canes, they were all in mint condition.

Last night me and my wife watched three DVDs back to back. Luckily I was the one facing the TV.

When I was a child my father attacked me with cameras.
I still have flashbacks

I am frustrated than a dragon trying to blow out candles.

I used to date a dyslexic girl. Weird girl. I took her home and she cooked my sock.

I don’t think it’s possible for me to become a sniper. Not by a long shot.

Fixing broken windows is a pane in the glass.

Why don’t flies go to church?
Because they’re in sects

What do you call someone who sells their body for a bowl of spaghetti? A pastatute!

My wife told me she was leaving me because I keep pretending to be a Transformer.
I said “No wait, I can change!”

My wife broke up with me because of my gambling. All I can think of is how to win her back.

I just read a book about Stockholm syndrome. It was pretty bad at first but by the end I kinda liked it

“It’s a boy!” I shouted, tears rolling down my face. “I don’t believe it. A boy!” And at that moment I decided I’d never visit Thailand again.

A Chinese kid was born before the due date.
Parents named him Sudden Lee.