There are three kinds of people: Those who can count and those who can’t.

I once thanked a French guy to death. It was a merci killing.

When I think of books, I touch my shelf.

There’s a fine line between a numerator and a denominator.

Only a fraction of people will find this funny.

Some people appreciate these kinds of jokes and some don’t – the division is clear.

I’m so introverted I won’t even talk to myself.

I just wrote a book on reverse psychology. Do *not* read it!

i thought i got a type a in blood test but it was actually a typ-o

The first 5 days after the weekend are the hardest

Why do you never see elephants hiding in trees?
Because they’re so good at it!

Did you hear about the horse and pig that are dating?
They’re in a stable relationship

I just found out that the guy who stole my private diary has died.
My thoughts are with his family.

Whoever invented knock knock jokes should get a no bell prize.

What do you call an artist with a brown finger? Picassole

Marketing companies should use chromosomes in advertisements because sex cells

My friend recently got crushed by a pile of books, but he’s only got his shelf to blame.

Shout out to my grandma…
That’s the only way she can hear

The only dates I get these days are software updates

What do you call a cow that just gave birth?
Decalfeinated.

With sufficient thrust, pigs fly just fine.