I have six eyes, two mouths and three ears. What am I? Ugly

If I get interviewed by a police sketch artist, my only goal will be to see how far I get before he realizes I’m making him draw a pirate.

I did a theatrical performance on puns.
It was a play on words.

Did you know that Snoop Dogg’s sister is a stripper?
She wears nothing but a g-string baby

Your mum is so mean, she has no standard deviation
🤓

My speech today will be like a mini-skirt. Long enough to cover the essentials but short enough to hold your attention!

Why do blonde girls walk in groups of odd numbers? Because they can’t even!

I still remember the day the scented candle shop I worked at burned to the ground.

Everyone was so calm…..

A horse walks into a bar. Several patrons get up and leave as they recognise the potential danger in the situation

Jokes about German sausage are the wurst.

What did the bra say to the hat?
You go on a head I’m gonna give these two a lift

If we get rid of all the margarine the world will be a butter place.

Shouldn’t pregnant women be called body builders?

Doesn’t expecting the unexpected make the unexpected become the expected?

I bought a cuckoo clock at an army disposals store. Last night at ten o’clock the bird chirped 2200 times.

My dad used to be a human cannonball in the circus. They’ve never found another man of his caliber

What cheese can never be yours? Nacho cheese

How do you turn a duck into a soul singer?
Put it in the microwave until it’s Bill Withers.

“Children are like a sponge at this age,” I said as I used my neighbour’s toddler to wipe up my beer that he spilled.

I just read a book about Stockholm syndrome. It was pretty bad at first but by the end I kinda liked it