My girlfriend and I often laugh about how competitive we are. But I laugh more.

When a woman says “what!?” it’s not because she didn’t hear you. She’s just giving you a chance to change what you said

My mate’s sex change operation from male to female went very well.
They did such a good job he’s still trying to reverse out of the hospital car park.

Did you hear about the guy who got hit in the head with a can of soda? He was lucky it was a soft drink.

What is the first thing Santa’s elves have to learn?
The Elfabet

What’s an epileptics favourite food? Seizure salad

How do you drown a hipster?
Throw him into the mainstream

Red meat is not bad for you. Fuzzy green meat is bad for you.

Accidentally fell asleep smoking an e cigarette. When I woke up, the whole house was on the Internet

My jokes are still in alpha

Hopefully soon they’ll get beta

Care to seduce a large woman?
Piece of cake!

I’d like to thank the girl with no sports bra who ran with me through the last few miles of yesterday’s marathon.

Your lack of support got me through

A Spanish magician wanted to do a trick. He covered himself with a blanket and counted “Uno… dos…” and he vanished without a tres

I used to date a dyslexic girl. Weird girl. I took her home and she cooked my sock.

What did the buffalo say to his son? Bison

What’s the difference between deer nuts and beer nuts?
Beer nuts are a $1.75, but deer nuts are under a buck.

What do you call dental x-rays?
Tooth pics

A magician walks down an alley and turns into a bar