#595
My girlfriend and I often laugh about how competitive we are. But I laugh more.
My girlfriend and I often laugh about how competitive we are. But I laugh more.
When a woman says “what!?” it’s not because she didn’t hear you. She’s just giving you a chance to change what you said
My mate’s sex change operation from male to female went very well.
They did such a good job he’s still trying to reverse out of the hospital car park.
Did you hear about the guy who got hit in the head with a can of soda? He was lucky it was a soft drink.
What is the first thing Santa’s elves have to learn?
The Elfabet
What’s an epileptics favourite food? Seizure salad
How do you drown a hipster?
Throw him into the mainstream
Red meat is not bad for you. Fuzzy green meat is bad for you.
Accidentally fell asleep smoking an e cigarette. When I woke up, the whole house was on the Internet
My jokes are still in alpha
Hopefully soon they’ll get beta
Care to seduce a large woman?
Piece of cake!
What do you call a business cow?
An entrepe-moo-er
I’d like to thank the girl with no sports bra who ran with me through the last few miles of yesterday’s marathon.
Your lack of support got me through
I was having a dip at the swimming pool when the lifeguard asked, “What have you got there?” I said “Tzatziki”.
A Spanish magician wanted to do a trick. He covered himself with a blanket and counted “Uno… dos…” and he vanished without a tres
I used to date a dyslexic girl. Weird girl. I took her home and she cooked my sock.
What did the buffalo say to his son? Bison
What’s the difference between deer nuts and beer nuts?
Beer nuts are a $1.75, but deer nuts are under a buck.
What do you call dental x-rays?
Tooth pics
A magician walks down an alley and turns into a bar