My dad always told me “Don’t be quick to find faults”.
Good man, terrible geologist.

Clones are people two

A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says, “A beer please, and one for the road.”

What do you call a guy covered in leaves?
Russell

What does it take to make an octopus laugh?
Ten tickles

What’s the definition of a will? (It’s a dead giveaway)

I broke my finger last week. On the other hand, I’m okay

I used to be in a band, we were called ‘lost dog’. You probably saw our posters.

Relationships are a lot like algebra. Have you ever thought about your X and wondered Y?

Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather.
not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.

LSD causes users to lose weight. Obviously you can’t eat when a dragon is guarding the fridge

It’s hard to explain puns to kleptomaniacs because they always take things literally!

I called the cops about a murder on my front lawn.
They said they couldn’t do anything about crows and to stop calling them.

My neighbour is a stripper and a coeliac which is tough because she can only jump out of certain cakes.

I thought I had a Japanese friend, but it was just my imagine asian

Where do fish work? The offish.

What does a panda ghost eat? Bam-BOO!

What do you call a fake noodle? An Impasta