#632
If you’re looking for quality, never buy fireworks from a guy with more than seven fingers.
#142
I was playing Frisbee with my dog in the park today, but it didn’t go well.
I think I need to get a flatter dog.
#589
Nobody’s perfect. I’m a nobody.
#447
Cats spend two thirds of their lives sleeping, and the other third making viral videos.
#480
A guy just threw milk at me… How dairy?!
#548
What did the DNA say to the other DNA?
“Do these genes make me look fat?”
#255
Why don’t the melons get married? Because they cantaloupe
#761
What do you call a mind reader who can’t read minds? A telepathetic.
#326
I mustache you a question but I’ll Shave it for later
#109
I was cleaning one of my finger guns and accidentally blew a hole through my air guitar.
#893
How did Darth Vader know what Luke got him for Christmas?
He felt his presents
#207
I saw an ad for burial plots, and thought to myself this is the last thing I need.
#56
A friend of mine tried to annoy me with bird puns, but I soon realized that toucan play at that game.
#793
I couldn’t get in to the library last night.
It was over booked.
#108
I’m going on a blind date tonight. I hope our Labradors get on.
#817
A photon checked into a hotel, the staff asked “Hello Mr. Photon, can I help you with your bags?” The photon replied, “No thanks, I’m traveling light.”
#360
My jokes are still in alpha
Hopefully soon they’ll get beta
#775
How do billboards communicate?
Sign language
#780
Whats the difference between the Christmas alphabet and the ordinary alphabet?
The Christmas alphabet has Noel.
#20
I went to a zoo in China last month, all they had in it was a small fluffy dog.
It was a Shitzu.