What do you call a mind reader who can’t read minds? A telepathetic.

Fixing broken windows is a pane in the glass.

I went to a busy pub last night dressed as a tennis ball.
I got served straight away.

My son wanted to know what it’s like to be married. I told him to leave me alone and when he did I asked him why he was ignoring me.

Did you hear about the short-sighted circumciser?
He got the sack

I may not be getting lucky tonight, but I’m definitely banging my snooze button in the morning.

If iron man and the silver surfer team up, they’ll be alloys

How did Darth Vader know what Luke got him for Christmas?
He felt his presents

Why does a chicken coop have 2 doors?

Because if it had 4 doors it would be called chicken sedan.

Where did Mary go after the explosion?
Everywhere

Why don’t the melons get married? Because they cantaloupe

What do you call a sheep with no legs? A cloud

What do you call a man with no arms or legs hanging on the wall?
Art

What part of your body likes to get frisky?
The naked eye

The first rule of Alzheimer’s club, is don’t talk about chess club

What do you call a woman that sets her bills on fire? Bernadette

I have kleptomania, but when it gets bad I take something for it

What do you do with a dead chemist? You barium