I’m so introverted I won’t even talk to myself.

What do you call a woman with no legs? Nolene

Took my dog to a bonfire and as he sat there staring at it blankly I realised he loves sticks. I was burning a giant pile of his toys.

Why does a chicken coop have 2 doors?

Because if it had 4 doors it would be called chicken sedan.

Currently the flower business is blooming.

They should make a Minecraft movie, it would be a blockbuster!

I wasn’t particularly close to my dad before he died…
Which was lucky, because he trod on a landmine.

I like to imagine the guy who invented the umbrella was going to call it the ‘brella’. But he hesitated.

What has four letters

Cats spend two thirds of their lives sleeping, and the other third making viral videos.

If iron man and the silver surfer team up, they’ll be alloys

I have a fear of speed bumps, but I’m slowly getting over it

A termite walks into a bar and says “where’s the bar tender”

If tomatoes are technically a fruit, is ketchup technically a smoothie?

Yeah, it was on Fry Day, I can’t believe they got killed for the halibut. No motive, someone should seas the culprit. I’m crabby bout it all

My wife’s been staring through the window ever since it started snowing. If it gets any worse, I’ll have to let her in.

Why do all of P-Diddy’s kids have nice hair?
Because Sean Combs

A hole was found in the wall of a nudist camp. The police are looking into it.

What does Batman put in his drink?

Just Ice