#595

My girlfriend and I often laugh about how competitive we are. But I laugh more.

#445

When a woman says “what!?” it’s not because she didn’t hear you. She’s just giving you a chance to change what you said

#135

My mate’s sex change operation from male to female went very well.
They did such a good job he’s still trying to reverse out of the hospital car park.

#19

Did you hear about the guy who got hit in the head with a can of soda? He was lucky it was a soft drink.

#897

What is the first thing Santa’s elves have to learn?
The Elfabet

#567

How do you drown a hipster?
Throw him into the mainstream

#561

Red meat is not bad for you. Fuzzy green meat is bad for you.

#292

Accidentally fell asleep smoking an e cigarette. When I woke up, the whole house was on the Internet

#360

My jokes are still in alpha

Hopefully soon they’ll get beta

#436

I’d like to thank the girl with no sports bra who ran with me through the last few miles of yesterday’s marathon.

Your lack of support got me through

#831

I was having a dip at the swimming pool when the lifeguard asked, “What have you got there?” I said “Tzatziki”.

#71

A Spanish magician wanted to do a trick. He covered himself with a blanket and counted “Uno… dos…” and he vanished without a tres

#134

I used to date a dyslexic girl. Weird girl. I took her home and she cooked my sock.

#80

What’s the difference between deer nuts and beer nuts?
Beer nuts are a $1.75, but deer nuts are under a buck.

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