I threw an Asian man down a flight of stairs. It was Wong on so many levels.

There’s no “i” in denial

My cats gonna sh** when he sees his new litter box I got him for Christmas.

I would give my right arm to be ambidextrous!

I bought some shoes from a drug dealer. I don’t know what he laced them with, but I’ve been tripping all day.

What do you call an academically successful slice of bread? An honor roll.

When clowns divorce there’s often a custardy battle

The bartender says, “We don’t serve time travellers in here.”
A time traveller walks into a bar.

What did the NSA analyst say to his co-worker when their female colleague walked past?
“I’d tap that”

Your mum is so mean, she has no standard deviation
🤓

When I was a child my father attacked me with cameras.
I still have flashbacks

My deaf girlfriend was talking in her sleep last night. She nearly took my eye out.

I applied for a government job but accidentally sent the wrong resume. This early display of incompetence should work in my favour.

What kind of currency do chickens use? Bock bucks

I dreamt I was swimming in an orange ocean last night. It was just a Fanta sea

Nothing makes me more suspicious than an unsolicited compliment.

They’re always telling me to live my dreams. But I don’t want to be naked in an exam I haven’t revised for!

What do vegan dogs eat? Bark

My boss told me I intimidate my coworkers so I just stared at him until he apologised

Deja Moo – the feeling that you’ve heard this bull before