I swear to drunk I’m not god but seriously, stay in drugs, eat school and don’t do vegetables

My wife is leaving me because I’m going bald.

I’m not bothered, it’s hair loss.

What did the tree say to autumn? Leaf me alone.

I asked my wife for “something Cuban” for my birthday, and she got me a Che Guevara shirt.

Clothes, but no cigar.

I had the most amazing orange the other day

It was a class above the zest

What is the difference between ignorance and apathy? I don’t know, and I don’t care.

A Russian spy, a sexual predator, and a billionaire walk into a bar. The bartender says, “What can I get you, Mr. President?”

Ice hockey is basically just guys wearing knife shoes fighting each other with long sticks for the last Oreo.

I bought a cuckoo clock at an army disposals store. Last night at ten o’clock the bird chirped 2200 times.

Have I told you this deja vu joke before?

What sits at the bottom of the ocean shivering?
A nervous wreck

What has four letters

People used to laugh at me when I would say “I want to be a comedian”, well nobody’s laughing now.

My dad always told me “Don’t be quick to find faults”.
Good man, terrible geologist.

I asked my North Korean friend how it was there, he said he couldn’t complain

This weight loss website wants me to accept cookies. Hmm…

What’s long and hard and has cum in it?
A cucumber

“Give it to me! Give it to me!” she yelled, “I’m so wet, give it to me now!” She could scream all she wanted to. I was keeping the umbrella.