#753

Why do Swedish warships have barcodes on them? So when they dock they can Scandinavian.

#641

My wife’s mad because I paid for my dope out of our joint account. I thought that was why we had it.

#147

I remember last summer I was so excited when the water restrictions were lifted I wet my plants.

#259

I’ve accidentally swallowed some Scrabble tiles. My next crap could spell disaster.

#646

My wifi has stopped working. Turns out our neighbours hadn’t paid the bill. Tightarses.

#579

What do you call a number that canโ€™t keep still?
A roamin’ numeral

#736

Build a man a fire, and he’ll be warm for a day. Set a man on fire, and he’ll be warm for the rest of his life.

#356

How Long is a Chinese manโ€™s name.

No, it actually is.

#724

What do you call a guy no arms no legs in the mail box? Bill.

#202

A termite walks into a bar and says “where’s the bar tender”

#448

Behind every angry woman is man who has absolutely no idea what he did wrong

#180

A Russian spy, a sexual predator, and a billionaire walk into a bar. The bartender says, “What can I get you, Mr. President?”

#604

I quit my job at the helium gas factory, I refuse to be talked to in that tone of voice!

#193

What’s the advantage of living in Switzerland? Well the flag is a big plus

#723

My neighbour is a stripper and a coeliac which is tough because she can only jump out of certain cakes.

#238

Let’s hope the new Jurassic world movie isn’t a train Rex of a film.

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