#646
My wifi has stopped working. Turns out our neighbours hadn’t paid the bill. Tightarses.
#786
Interviewer asked me if Iâd make a good waiter.
Letâs just say I can bring a lot to the table
#346
My wife says I’m too impulsive. But what the hell does she know? She only met me yesterday.
#294
Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can’t have your kayak and heat it too.
#339
At any given moment the urge to sing, âThe Lion Sleeps Tonightâ is just a whim away. A whim away. A whim away.
#799
Dad: Son, I donât think youâre cut out to be a mime artist
Son: Was it something I said?
Dad: Yes
#632
If you’re looking for quality, never buy fireworks from a guy with more than seven fingers.
#724
What do you call a guy no arms no legs in the mail box? Bill.
#639
I’m hosting a charity event tonight to raise money for people unable to orgasm. Don’t worry if you can’t come.
#315
I wasnât particularly close to my dad before he died…
Which was lucky, because he trod on a landmine.
#222
The police came to my house and asked where I was between 3 and 5 . I told them pre school.
#500
Waitress: ‘Do u have any questions about the menu?’ Me: ‘What kind of font is this?’
#526
What do you get when you cross a dyslexic, an insomniac, and an agnostic?
Someone who lays awake at night wondering if there is a dog.
#46
A steak pun is a rare medium well done
#830
I spent all day yesterday floating out in the bay.
It’s been my dream ever since I was a little buoy.
#463
The hardness of butter is directly proportional to the softness of the bread.
#261
When I think of books, I touch my shelf.
#184
A courtroom artist was arrested today for an unknown reason… details are sketchy.
#760
What kind of currency do chickens use? Bock bucks
#508
My speech today will be like a mini-skirt. Long enough to cover the essentials but short enough to hold your attention!