What’s it like being in a vacuum cleaner? It sucks

Smoking will give you cancer.
Eating bacon will you give you cancer.
But for some reason, smoking bacon will cure it.

Have you heard about the cannibal that passed his brother in the forest?

I have kleptomania, but when it gets bad I take something for it

What has four letters

What do you call someone who sells their body for a bowl of spaghetti? A pastatute!

How did the hipster burn his tongue?
He drank his coffee before it was cool

The thing about dwarfs and midgets is that they have very little in common

At any given moment the urge to sing, “The Lion Sleeps Tonight” is just a whim away. A whim away. A whim away.

I had amnesia once – maybe twice.

I bought a ceiling fan the other day. Complete waste of money. He just stands there applauding and saying “Ooh, I love how smooth it is”

What do bees do with their honey? They cell it.

I quit my job at the helium gas factory, I refuse to be talked to in that tone of voice!

When I get naked in the bathroom, the shower usually gets turned on.

What’s the definition of a will? (It’s a dead giveaway)

I really hate those people who knock at your door and tell you how you need to be ‘saved’ or you’ll ‘burn.’
Stupid firemen.

Have you heard about corduroy pillows?
They’re making headlines.

What do you call an artist with a brown finger? Picassole