Got a new job as a hostage negotiator. Tried to ring in sick but they talked me out of it.

I really hate those people who knock at your door and tell you how you need to be ‘saved’ or you’ll ‘burn.’
Stupid firemen.

He’s street smart. Sesame Street smart.

“You haven’t listened to a word I’ve said, have you?” always seems like a strange way for my wife to start a conversation.

What do you call a bee with a low buzz?
A mumblebee

I was cleaning one of my finger guns and accidentally blew a hole through my air guitar.

Lazy People Fact #5812672793:
You were too lazy to read that number.

Heard about the new restaurant called Karma?
There’s no menu – you get what you deserve

It’s better to have a bottle in front of me, than a frontal lobotomy.

This weight loss website wants me to accept cookies. Hmm…

Don’t fart in an apple store, there’s no windows!

I have a fear of speed bumps, but I’m slowly getting over it

I don’t know if I just got hit by freezing rain, but it hurt like hail.

What do you call a guy covered in leaves?
Russell

I’m not lazy… I’m just on my energy saving mode.

Have you heard about the restaurant on the moon?
Great food, no atmosphere.

Why did the Higgs Boson go to church?
For the mass

My friend dug a hole in the garden and filled it with water. I think he meant well.

“Give me a sentence about a public servant” the teacher instructed her second-grade student.
“The fireman came down the ladder pregnant” he answered.
“Umm … Do you know what pregnant means?”
“Yes” said the boy. “It means carrying a child”