#678
My dad always told me “Don’t be quick to find faults”.
Good man, terrible geologist.
#424
If procrastionation was an Olympic sport, I’d compete in it later.
#63
Just burned 2,000 calories. That’s the last time I leave brownies in the oven while I nap.
#223
My kids have been throwing Scrabble tiles at each other again.
it’s all fun and games until someone loses an i.
#259
I’ve accidentally swallowed some Scrabble tiles. My next crap could spell disaster.
#801
The only thing flat-earthers fear…
Is sphere itself
#455
“No, thanks. I’m a vegetarian.” is a fun thing to say when someone hands you their baby.
#761
What do you call a mind reader who can’t read minds? A telepathetic.
#504
A woman’s mind is cleaner than a man’s: She changes it more often.
#624
Why can’t you take inventory in Afghanistan?
Because of the tally ban
#691
What did the cow say to her calf?
It’s pasture bed time
#352
Two soldiers are in a tank.
One looks at the other and says “BLUBLUBBLUBLUBBLUB”
#522
What’s the worst thing about ancient history class?
The teachers tend to Babylon
#704
Have you heard about the cannibal that passed his brother in the forest?
#898
Why did Santa’s helper get depressed?
He had low elf esteem
#832
My wife said “Black really is slimming on you, you’ve never looked sexier”.
I said “Turn the light back on”.
#317
I just deleted all the German names off my phone. It’s Hans free
#357
The year 2020 is going to be filled with so many puns about perfect vision
I can just see it now.
#440
I was lonely so I bought some shares. It’s nice to have a bit of company
#293
Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocaine during a root canal? His goal: transcend dental medication