My wife’s mad because I paid for my dope out of our joint account. I thought that was why we had it.

I remember last summer I was so excited when the water restrictions were lifted I wet my plants.

What does Kim Kardashian use to fix holes?

Sex tape

I’ve accidentally swallowed some Scrabble tiles. My next crap could spell disaster.

My wifi has stopped working. Turns out our neighbours hadn’t paid the bill. Tightarses.

What do you call a number that can’t keep still?
A roamin’ numeral

Build a man a fire, and he’ll be warm for a day. Set a man on fire, and he’ll be warm for the rest of his life.

How Long is a Chinese man’s name.

No, it actually is.

What do you call a guy no arms no legs in the mail box? Bill.

A termite walks into a bar and says “where’s the bar tender”

I’m not lazy… I’m just on my energy saving mode.

Behind every angry woman is man who has absolutely no idea what he did wrong

What do you call a woman with no legs? Nolene

Clones are people two

A Russian spy, a sexual predator, and a billionaire walk into a bar. The bartender says, “What can I get you, Mr. President?”

I quit my job at the helium gas factory, I refuse to be talked to in that tone of voice!

What’s the advantage of living in Switzerland? Well the flag is a big plus

My neighbour is a stripper and a coeliac which is tough because she can only jump out of certain cakes.

Let’s hope the new Jurassic world movie isn’t a train Rex of a film.