If we get rid of all the margarine the world will be a butter place.

I’d like to thank the girl with no sports bra who ran with me through the last few miles of yesterday’s marathon.

Your lack of support got me through

I hate gravity, it always gets me down

How do mathematicians scold their children?

“If I’ve told you n times, I’ve told you n+1 times …”

I called the vet to complain about a bill. He just put the phone down. As quickly and humanely as possible.

I always take life with a grain of salt, …plus a slice of lemon, …and a shot of tequila.

What do you call a king’s fart?
Noble gas.

I used to be a carpenter until I accidentally sat on my hammer, now I have hammeroids.

How did the farmer find his wife?

He tractor down.

My wife is complaining that I never buy her jewellery. To be fair, I didn’t even know she sold jewellery.

My wife says I’m immature. I told her to get out of my fort

Working in a mirror factory is something I can totally see myself doing

I’ve just been on a once-in-a-lifetime holiday. I’ll tell you what, never again

I Renamed my iPod The Titanic, so when I plug it in, it says, “The Titanic is syncing”

My deaf girlfriend was talking in her sleep last night. She nearly took my eye out.

What do you call a guy no arms no legs in the mail box? Bill.

Hung a picture up on the wall the other day. Nailed it.

The police came to my house and asked where I was between 3 and 5 . I told them pre school.

It’s Jamaican hair style day at work tomorrow. I’m already dreading it.