My friend recently got crushed by a pile of books, but he’s only got his shelf to blame.

I asked my North Korean friend how it was there, he said he couldn’t complain

I have six eyes, two mouths and three ears. What am I? Ugly

I used to mix metaphors but that ship has flown.

My tailor is happy to make a pair of pants for me, or at least sew it seams.

Lets have a toast for the bread winners!

I mean – I appreciate that my friends are doing their best to cheer me up after my diagnosis, but I’ve heard so many cancer jokes today – if I get to hear just tumor I’ll really get mad.

Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth, then it just becomes a soap opera.

I would lose weight, but I hate losing.

I’m here for whatever you need me to do… from the couch.

The invisible man and invisible woman had children… they weren’t much to look at

What do you call a midget psychic who just escaped from prison? A small medium at large

I really hate those people who knock at your door and tell you how you need to be ‘saved’ or you’ll ‘burn.’
Stupid firemen.

I stayed up all night to find out where the sun went, then it dawned on me…

Did you know that Snoop Dogg’s sister is a stripper?
She wears nothing but a g-string baby

Not all math puns are bad. Just sum.

What do you call somebody with body and just a nose? Nobody nose!

What do you call a king’s fart?
Noble gas.

How do you make holy water? You boil the hell out of it

Queue is just Q followed by four silent letters waiting their turn