#700
My grandfather has the heart of a lion.
And a lifetime ban from the zoo
#483
What do you call an academically successful slice of bread? An honor roll.
#390
Why was the thermometer smarter than the graduated cylinder?
He had more degrees
#417
You know you’re ugly when it comes to a group picture and they hand you the camera.
#521
Women sometimes make fools of men, but most guys are the do-it-yourself type.
#73
LSD causes users to lose weight. Obviously you can’t eat when a dragon is guarding the fridge
#640
My dad was dyslexic. Whenever I swore when growing up, he’d wash my mouth out with soup.
#897
What is the first thing Santa’s elves have to learn?
The Elfabet
#23
I used to think I was indecisive, but now I’m not too sure
#256
Why did Humpty Dumpty push his girlfriend off the wall? So he could see her crack!
#460
It’s a good thing farts aren’t contagious like yawns
#874
I have kleptomania, but when it gets bad I take something for it
#816
What’s the least spoken language in the world?
Sign language
#231
So this bloke just came up to me & said i’ve just spilt my scrabble set on the road. I asked “Whats the word on the street?”
#192
I got banned from the secret cooking society… For spilling the beans.
#364
What do you call a woman standing in the middle of a tennis court?
Anette
#548
What did the DNA say to the other DNA?
“Do these genes make me look fat?”
#5
What’s the difference between a hippo and a Zippo?
One’s really heavy and the other is a little lighter
#248
What do you call an alligator wearing a vest? An investigator.
#223
My kids have been throwing Scrabble tiles at each other again.
it’s all fun and games until someone loses an i.