A philosopher says to a linguist “What if, instead of periods, women had apostrophes?”

The linguist replied, “They’d be more possessive and have more frequent contractions.”

What was Helen Keller’s favourite colour?
Velcro

Have I told you this deja vu joke before?

Hedgehogs — why can’t they just share the hedge

What’s the difference between a golfer and a skydiver? A golfer goes *whack* “damn” and a skydiver goes “damn” *whack*

A joke is like sex. Neither is any good if you don’t get it.

A bill collector came to my house the other day, so I gave him a huge stack of old bills

Marketing companies should use chromosomes in advertisements because sex cells

If canola oil comes from canola, where does baby oil come from?

What is the difference between snowmen and snowwomen? Snowballs.

What do you call a wandering caveman? A meanderthal.

I made a graph of my past relationships. It has an ex axis and a why axis.

What do you get when giraffes collide?
A giraffic jam

I bought a cuckoo clock at an army disposals store. Last night at ten o’clock the bird chirped 2200 times.

Even when I’m really tired I refuse to take naps during the day. My wife says I’m resisting a rest.

Doesn’t expecting the unexpected make the unexpected become the expected?

I used to have a job at a calendar factory but I got the sack because I took a couple of days off

“Children are like a sponge at this age,” I said as I used my neighbour’s toddler to wipe up my beer that he spilled.