“It’s a boy!” I shouted, tears rolling down my face. “I don’t believe it. A boy!” And at that moment I decided I’d never visit Thailand again.

Did you hear about the cross eyed teacher?
Couldn’t control his pupils

What kind of currency do chickens use? Bock bucks

A horse walks into a bar, across the room, up the back wall, across the ceiling, down the front wall and then up to the bar. The bartender gives the horse a beer, he drinks it and leaves. A guy sitting at the bar looks perplexed and asks the bartender “Hey, what’s that all about?” The bartender replies, “Don’t take it personally, he never says ‘Hi’ to anyone.”

What do you call the security outside of a Samsung Store?
Guardians of the Galaxy.

30 seconds left on the microwave.
Women: set table, pour drinks, tweet, talk on the phone.
Men: do the space shuttle countdown.

A magician walks down an alley and turns into a bar

No matter how much you push the envelope, it’ll still be stationery.

NSA Pickup Line #1:
Did you fall from heaven?
Because there’s no tracking data on how you arrived at this location

If pronouncing my b’s as v’s makes me sound Russian, then soviet.

I once thanked a French guy to death. It was a merci killing.

What do you call a pig with three eyes?
A Piiig…

Times New Roman walks into a bar. The barman says “Get out of here! We don’t serve your type.”

You know mountains aren’t just funny, they are hill areas

‘I hate tacos’ said no Juan ever

Best Summer Vacation Book Never Written: “Where to Stay on Vacation” by Moe Tell.

I think they picked me for my motivational skills. Everyone always says they have to work twice as hard when I’m around!

Today a girl said she recognized me from vegetarian club, but I’m sure I’ve never met herbivore.

A woman’s mind is cleaner than a man’s: She changes it more often.