Behind every angry woman is man who has absolutely no idea what he did wrong

I was thinking about getting a brain transplant, but then I changed my mind

What kind of prize do you give someone who hasn’t moved a muscle in over a year?
Atrophy.

What part of a vegetable do cannibals struggle to eat?
The wheelchair

As soon as the hospital made me put on one of those little gowns, I knew the end was in sight

I like to imagine the guy who invented the umbrella was going to call it the ‘brella’. But he hesitated.

Did you hear about the chameleon that couldn’t change colour? He had a reptile dysfunction

There was a snake crossing a highway and a truck ran over its ass. The snake went back to get its ass and a truck ran over its head. The moral of the story is, “Don’t lose your head over a piece of ass.”

I asked my North Korean friend how it was there, he said he couldn’t complain

What do pimps and farmers have in common? They both need a hoe to stay in business

Relationships are a lot like algebra. Have you ever thought about your X and wondered Y?

This guy said to me: “I’m gonna attack you with the neck of my guitar.” I said: “Is that a fret?”

I’m going to stand outside, so if anyone asks I’m outstanding.

I may not be getting lucky tonight, but I’m definitely banging my snooze button in the morning.

What does it take to make an octopus laugh?
Ten tickles

Have you heard about corduroy pillows?
They’re making headlines.

The invisible man and invisible woman had children… they weren’t much to look at

If procrastionation was an Olympic sport, I’d compete in it later.

The year 2020 is going to be filled with so many puns about perfect vision

I can just see it now.

What do you call a wandering caveman? A meanderthal.