#358
What’s the difference between an oral thermometer and a rectal thermometer? The taste
#743
What does a thesaurus eat for breakfast?
Synonym rolls
#467
It’s bad luck to be superstitious.
#579
What do you call a number that can’t keep still?
A roamin’ numeral
#262
Why do blonde girls walk in groups of odd numbers? Because they can’t even!
#852
I should have been sad when my flashlight batteries died, but I was delighted.
#781
I decided to make my password “incorrect” because if I type it in wrong, my computer will remind me,
“Your password is incorrect.”
#383
How many south Americans does it take to change a light bulb? A Brazilian
#741
What does it take to make an octopus laugh?
Ten tickles
#637
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
-Librarians arguing
#143
“Children are like a sponge at this age,” I said as I used my neighbour’s toddler to wipe up my beer that he spilled.
#624
Why can’t you take inventory in Afghanistan?
Because of the tally ban
#696
I asked my North Korean friend how it was there, he said he couldn’t complain
#850
Nothing makes me more suspicious than an unsolicited compliment.
#588
When I was a child my father attacked me with cameras.
I still have flashbacks
#780
Whats the difference between the Christmas alphabet and the ordinary alphabet?
The Christmas alphabet has Noel.
#721
What do you call a cow that just gave birth?
Decalfeinated.
#438
People are making end of the world jokes like there is no tomorrow.
#819
Wish I was a dolphin. Then I’d have a porpoise in life
#16
What do you call a sheep with no legs? A cloud