My dad used to say “Always fight fire with fire.” Probably explains why he was thrown out of the fire brigade

Why does a chicken coop have 2 doors?

Because if it had 4 doors it would be called chicken sedan.

I asked my North Korean friend how it was there, he said he couldn’t complain

Two blondes are facing each other across a wide stream.
One yells to the other, ‘How do you get to the other side?’
The other blonde replies, ‘You are on the other side!’

My friend just got a job at the zoo, circumcising elephants. The pay isn’t great but he gets huge tips.

I’m addicted to brake fluid but I can stop whenever I want

Clones are people two

Why can’t you take inventory in Afghanistan?
Because of the tally ban

What does a panda ghost eat? Bam-BOO!

My girlfriend left me because she couldn’t handle my OCD. I told her to close the door five times on her way out.

What’s the difference between an oral thermometer and a rectal thermometer? The taste

What do you call a bee that lives in America? A USB

My friend recently got crushed by a pile of books, but he’s only got his shelf to blame.

What do you call a Far Eastern monk who sells reincarnations?
A used karma dealer

What do you call Watson when Sherlock isn’t around? Holmeless.

Why did the Mexican take xanax?
For Hispanic attacks

Why did Humpty Dumpty push his girlfriend off the wall? So he could see her crack!

Just got sacked from my job as a dishwasher. I kept putting the plates and bowls in the wrong order. The boss reckons I am dishlexic.