Did you hear about the murder at the fish shop the other day!!

2 fish got battered to death

There are three kinds of people: Those who can count and those who can’t.

About a month before he died, my uncle had his back covered in lard. After that, he went down hill fast.

Somebody ripped a whole bunch of pages out of my dictionary. It just goes from bad to worse

They should make a Minecraft movie, it would be a blockbuster!

My wife asked me to bring home stuff for the pancakes. She wasn’t happy when I arrived with a push-up bra.

There was a big paddle sale at the boat store.
It was quite an oar deal.

Why did the Mexican take xanax?
For Hispanic attacks

What do you call somebody with body and just a nose? Nobody nose!

Broken Guitar for sale.
No strings attached

I like European food so I decided to Russia over there because I was Hungary. After Czech’ing the menu I ordered Turkey. When I was Finnished I told the waiter ‘Spain good but there is Norway I could eat another bite’.

I can hear music coming out of my printer.
I think the paper’s jammin’ again.

What do you call a woman with a toothpick up her butt?
Olive

What’s the difference between an oral thermometer and a rectal thermometer? The taste

How many kids with ADHD does it take to change a light bulb?
Let’s go play on our bikes

What do you call a pastry with diamonds? A stud muffin

I, for one, like Roman numerals

No deja vu please…
I don’t want to go through that again

What do you call a three-legged donkey? A wonkey.

My wife told me she was leaving me because I keep pretending to be a Transformer.
I said “No wait, I can change!”