My speech today will be like a mini-skirt. Long enough to cover the essentials but short enough to hold your attention!

And the best neckwear award goes to…
Oh wait. It’s a tie.

My wife says I’m too impulsive. But what the hell does she know? She only met me yesterday.

I just watched a program about beavers. It was the best dam program I’ve ever seen.

Age is just the number of hours I’m hungover for.

How does the solar system hold up its trousers? With an asteroid belt

A donkey fell into a bowl of sugar. Now that’s a sweet ass!!

What did Michael Jackson call his denim store?
Billie Jeans

It puzzles me that a bra is singular and panties are plural.

What do you call a mind reader who can’t read minds? A telepathetic.

PMS should just be called ovary-acting

My wife is leaving me because I’m going bald.

I’m not bothered, it’s hair loss.

My doctor took one look at my gut and refused to believe that I work out. So I listed the exercises I do every day: jump to conclusions, climb the walls, drag my heels, push my luck, make mountains out of molehills, bend over backward, run around in circles, put my foot in my mouth, go over the edge, and beat around the bush.

My son wanted to know what it’s like to be married. I told him to leave me alone and when he did I asked him why he was ignoring me.

I’m looking for the girl next door type. I’m just gonna keep moving house till I find her.

What do you call an artist with a brown finger? Picassole

I told my doctor that I broke my arm in two places. He told me to stop going to those places.