What do you call people who are afraid of Santa Claus? Claustrophobic

When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, that’s amore.

When you swim in a creek and an eel bites your cheek, that’s a moray.

The future, the present and the past walked into a bar. Things got a little tense.

When you have a bladder infection, urine trouble

One day I was at a park wondering why does a frisbee keep looking bigger the closer it gets to you. Then it hit me

When I think of books, I touch my shelf.

“Your finest Scotch, please.” “Yes, sir,” the guy at Officeworks says as he hands me a 12 year old roll of tape.

What did the cannibal do after dumping his girlfriend? He wiped his bum.

Two goldfish are in a tank. One says to the other, “do you know how to drive this thing?”

I told my wife she drew her eyebrows on too high. She looked surprised.

I told my wife I was going to make a bike out of spaghetti. She couldn’t believe it when I rode pasta.

My girlfriend left me because she couldn’t handle my OCD. I told her to close the door five times on her way out.

For a short while, my uncle was a world famous chainsaw juggler. But not for being good at it. I miss uncle Stump.

You used asbestos in that wall?
That was asbestos I could do.

A courtroom artist was arrested today for an unknown reason… details are sketchy.

I asked my North Korean friend how it was there, he said he couldn’t complain

Women sometimes make fools of men, but most guys are the do-it-yourself type.

Why don’t cannibals eat clowns? They taste funny..

How do snakes end a fight?
They hiss and make up