How does a whale defend itself?
With a swordfish

Where does Buzz Lightyear go furniture shopping at? Bed, Bath, and BEYOND!

How many Freudians does it take to change a light bulb? Sex.

There’s a new shaver designed for dyslexics.
It’s the best thing since sliced beard.

I really hate those people who knock at your door and tell you how you need to be ‘saved’ or you’ll ‘burn.’
Stupid firemen.

What do you call an Amish guy with his hand up a horse’s butt?
A mechanic!

What did the sushi say to the bee?
Wasabi

Why was the thermometer smarter than the graduated cylinder?
He had more degrees

Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth, then it just becomes a soap opera.

If you lose your hearing, is it ear replaceable?

There was a big paddle sale at the boat store.
It was quite an oar deal.

My wifi has stopped working. Turns out our neighbours hadn’t paid the bill. Tightarses.

I don’t think it’s possible for me to become a sniper. Not by a long shot.

I’ve just been on a once-in-a-lifetime holiday. I’ll tell you what, never again

I was ordering birthday cake over phone.
They asked “And what would you like the cake to say?”
I covered phone to ask my wife. “Do we want a talking cake?”

My wife said I never listen to her. Or something like that.

Several guys are sitting around having a drink and one guy says “My wife’s an angel” another guy says “Your lucky, mines still alive.”

As soon as the hospital made me put on one of those little gowns, I knew the end was in sight

What does a panda ghost eat? Bam-BOO!