How is cat food sold?
Purr can

The seven dwarfs were in the bath feeling happy so he got out.

I used to date a dyslexic girl. Weird girl. I took her home and she cooked my sock.

He’s street smart. Sesame Street smart.

I hate those stupid little Russian nesting dolls

they’re so full of themselves

Why is too much alcohol bad for you?

Because that would be too whiskey.

What do you call a guy no arms no legs in the mail box? Bill.

Why do blondes tip-toe past medicine cabinets?
So they don’t wake up the sleeping pills

What do vegan dogs eat? Bark

I saw a bishop the other day. Wondered why he wasn’t walking diagonally

The best way to carve wood is whittle by whittle

My friend dug a hole in the garden and filled it with water. I think he meant well.

I remember last summer I was so excited when the water restrictions were lifted I wet my plants.

What’s brown and sounds like a bell? Dung!

I’m close friends with 25 letters of the alphabet, I don’t know y

My wife told me she thought we’d have less arguments if I wasn’t so pedantic.

I told her ‘I think you mean fewer’.

What do you call a man with no arms and no legs lying in your fireplace?
Bernie

What is invisible and smells like worms?
Bird farts

What did the DNA say to the other DNA?

“Do these genes make me look fat?”

Arguing with my wife is like reading the software licencing agreement. In the end, you ignore everything and click “I agree”.