Yesterday, I fell down from a 10 meter ladder. Thank God I was on the third step.

My wife says I’m too impulsive. But what the hell does she know? She only met me yesterday.

When life gives you melons, you’re probably dyslexic.

My wife asked me to join her for yoga class. I said “Namaste home”

Why does a chicken coop have 2 doors?

Because if it had 4 doors it would be called chicken sedan.

What do you call a sheep with no legs? A cloud

I’m so introverted I won’t even talk to myself.

What happened to the cannibal that was late to dinner?
He was given the cold shoulder

I’ve recently quit my job as a butler.

I refuse to be ordered around in that manor.

It’s been 2 days since I’ve had McDonald’s, I’m getting the shakes… and the fries.

I knew a guy who collected candy canes, they were all in mint condition.

I don’t need a hot tub. I prefer a mildly attractive tub with a great sense of humor and a good job

About a month before he died, my uncle had his back covered in lard. After that, he went down hill fast.

How do Mexicans stay warm in winter? Fajitas

I miss my umbilical cord. Must have grown attached to it

I’m terrified of elevators, and I’m taking steps to avoid them

My wife is leaving me because I’m going bald.

I’m not bothered, it’s hair loss.