What do you call a number that can’t keep still?
A roamin’ numeral

I felt so bad today…I saw this sad dog without a tail. Luckily, his owner was taking him to the retail store.

I got banned from the secret cooking society… For spilling the beans.

Something about subtraction just doesn’t add up

Just burned 2,000 calories. That’s the last time I leave brownies in the oven while I nap.

There are plenty of fish in the sea but until you catch one you’re just stuck here holding your rod…

I have a stepladder. Because my real ladder left when I was a kid

At breakfast this morning, my wife said she’s leaving me because of my obsession with Twitter.

I almost choked on my #Brown.

You heard of that new band 1023MB? They’re good but they haven’t got a gig yet.

I’d like to thank the girl with no sports bra who ran with me through the last few miles of yesterday’s marathon.

Your lack of support got me through

The rotation of earth really makes my day.

It’s not that the man did not know how to juggle, he just didn’t have the balls to do it.

Why don’t the enemies of the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles just flip them on their backs?

Don’t trust atoms. They make up everything.

An opinion without 3.14159 is just an onion.

My wife says I’m too impulsive. But what the hell does she know? She only met me yesterday.

Why did the Higgs Boson go to church?
For the mass

You can’t run through a camping ground. You can only ran, because it’s past tents