I thought I understood the meaning of “When Pigs Fly” but then… the swine flu.

A guy just threw milk at me… How dairy?!

When clowns divorce there’s often a custardy battle

What do you call people who illegally use restrooms? Squatters.

My wife says I’m too impulsive. But what the hell does she know? She only met me yesterday.

My mate had a terrible accident at work. He fell into an industrial grinder. He’s fine now.

What’s it like being in a vacuum cleaner? It sucks

There was a man who entered a local paper’s pun contest.. He sent in ten different puns, in the hope that at least one of the puns would win. Unfortunately, no pun in ten did.

I’ve just found out one of my mates works as a mime artist. He’s kept that quiet.

Sheepdog: All 50 sheep are accounted for, boss.
Farmer: But I only had 49?
Sheepdog: Yeah I know. I rounded them up.

Lets have a toast for the bread winners!

A guy walks into a bar and orders a fruit punch.
Bartender says “Pal, if you want a punch you’ll have to stand in line”. The guy looks around, but there is no punch line.

The Man Who Created Autocorrect Has Died. Resturant In Peace.

How do you make holy water? You boil the hell out of it

Why can’t you hear a pterodactyl in the toilet? Because it has a silent p

It’s not that the man did not know how to juggle, he just didn’t have the balls to do it.

I used to be a lifeguard, but this blue kid got me fired.

I bet the butcher $50 that he couldn’t reach the meat off the top shelf. He said, “No, the steaks are too high.”