Two goldfish are in a tank. One says to the other, “do you know how to drive this thing?”

Why do chemists like nitrates so much?
They’re cheaper than day rates.

The plumber told me a hole boring story about pipes.

What do you call a lady with one leg?
Eileen

A dyslexic devil worshipper sold his soul to Santa

Why did Santa’s helper get depressed?
He had low elf esteem

How Long is a Chinese man’s name.

No, it actually is.

I got fired from my job as a chef for stealing kitchen equipment. It’s a whisk I was willing to take.

What’s the difference between mechanical engineers and civil engineers?

Mechanical engineers build weapons. Civil engineers build targets.

My speech today will be like a mini-skirt. Long enough to cover the essentials but short enough to hold your attention!

My cousin drowned. At his funeral we laid a life jacket on his coffin.
It’s what he would have wanted.

How much does a hipster weigh? An instagram

Did you hear about the cross eyed teacher?
Couldn’t control his pupils

Thieves had broken into my house and stolen everything except my soap, shower gel, towels and deodorant.
Dirty Bastards.

I asked my wife “What do you want me to do with this big roll of bubble wrap?”
She said “Just pop it in the corner”.
It took me 4 hours.

Me: Go to sleep before the monsters get you.
Daughter: Monsters aren’t real.
Me: You sound like your sister.
Daughter: Sister?
Me: I’ve said too much already…

Woke up on the ground last night, must have fell asleep​.