I can only tell you a bad chemistry joke because all the good ones Argon

The hardness of butter is directly proportional to the softness of the bread.

What’s the leading cause of dry skin? Towels

My wife asked me to join her for yoga class. I said “Namaste home”

What do you call a parade of rabbits hopping backwards?
A receding hare-line

What do you call a sheep with no legs? A cloud

Why did everyone want to hang out with the mushroom? Because he was a fungi.

Why are teddy bears never hungry?
Because they’re stuffed

Frankly, auto correct, I’m getting tired of your shirt.

There’s no “i” in denial

If pronouncing my b’s as v’s makes me sound Russian, then soviet.

This guy said to me: “I’m gonna attack you with the neck of my guitar.” I said: “Is that a fret?”

My budgie broke his leg so I made him a tiny splint out of a couple of matches. His little face lit up when he tried to walk.

Heard about the new restaurant called Karma?
There’s no menu – you get what you deserve

There was a big paddle sale at the boat store.
It was quite an oar deal.

I knew a guy who collected candy canes, they were all in mint condition.

What do you call a guy no arms no legs in the mail box? Bill.

How many Emo kids does it take to change a light bulb? None, they all sit in the dark and cry