I poured root beer into a square glass.
Now I just have beer

If you lose your hearing, is it ear replaceable?

I burnt My Hawaiian pizza today…

I should’ve cooked it on aloha temperature

How do you fix a broken pumpkin? With a pumpkin patch.

I used to date a dyslexic girl. Weird girl. I took her home and she cooked my sock.

Our vet is great. If you take your dog in and you have pet insurance, they give you a courtesy dog for the day.

What do you call a woman with a toothpick up her butt?
Olive

I would give my right arm to be ambidextrous!

Got a new job as a hostage negotiator. Tried to ring in sick but they talked me out of it.

I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather.
not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.

How do you kill a circus?
Go for the juggler

A guy walks into a bar and orders a fruit punch.
Bartender says “Pal, if you want a punch you’ll have to stand in line”. The guy looks around, but there is no punch line.

Why did everyone want to hang out with the mushroom? Because he was a fungi.

I miss my umbilical cord. Must have grown attached to it

The roundest knight at king Arthur’s round table was Sir Cumference.

Two blondes are facing each other across a wide stream.
One yells to the other, ‘How do you get to the other side?’
The other blonde replies, ‘You are on the other side!’

You know you’re ugly when it comes to a group picture and they hand you the camera.

I’ve accidentally swallowed some Scrabble tiles. My next crap could spell disaster.

They should make a Minecraft movie, it would be a blockbuster!

I’m trying to write jokes about unemployed people, but they need more work