I couldn’t work out how to fasten my seatbelt. Then it clicked.

What do you call a mind reader who can’t read minds? A telepathetic.

What do you call a man with no arms or legs hanging on the wall?
Art

When he proposed to her. She found it very engaging.

My wife’s been staring through the window ever since it started snowing. If it gets any worse, I’ll have to let her in.

The seven dwarfs were in the bath feeling happy so he got out.

Woke up on the ground last night, must have fell asleep​.

A bartender walks into a church, a temple and a mosque. He has no idea how jokes work.

PMS jokes aren’t funny. Period.

I just watched a program about beavers. It was the best dam program I’ve ever seen.

A Roman walks into a bar, sticks two fingers up to the barman and says, “Five beers please.”

Does a dolphin ever do something by accident? No, they do everything on porpoise.

The best way to carve wood is whittle by whittle

What do you call a guy with a rabbit up his butt?
Warren

Thank you, my arms, for always being there by my side.

Why do blondes tip-toe past medicine cabinets?
So they don’t wake up the sleeping pills

My neighbour is a stripper and a coeliac which is tough because she can only jump out of certain cakes.

I threw an Asian man down a flight of stairs. It was Wong on so many levels.

For a period, Houdini used a trap door in every single show he did…I guess you could say it was a stage he was going through