My wife asked me to bring home stuff for the pancakes. She wasn’t happy when I arrived with a push-up bra.

Hung a picture up on the wall the other day. Nailed it.

At any given moment the urge to sing, “The Lion Sleeps Tonight” is just a whim away. A whim away. A whim away.

A guy just threw milk at me… How dairy?!

Someone stole my toilet and the police have nothing to go on.

Yeah I’m into fitness… Fitness pizza in my mouth!

Why did Barbie never get pregnant?
Because Ken always came in another box.

The Lord of the Rings is basically about a group that spends nine hours returning jewellery

A man is being arrested by a female police officer, who informs him, “Anything you say can and will be held against you.” The man replies, “Boobs!”

Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocaine during a root canal? His goal: transcend dental medication

Why are teddy bears never hungry?
Because they’re stuffed

I hate peer pressure and you should too.

I had the most amazing orange the other day

It was a class above the zest

I had a dream last night that I was a muffler. I woke up exhausted.

Someone told me my clothes looked gay..
They did come out of the closet this morning.

Lets have a toast for the bread winners!

Why did everyone want to hang out with the mushroom? Because he was a fungi.

Two soldiers are in a tank.
One looks at the other and says “BLUBLUBBLUBLUBBLUB”

You kill vegetarian vampires with a steak to the heart