A grasshopper walks into a bar. The bartender says “Hey, we have a drink named after you.” The grasshopper says “You have a drink named Steve?”

Scared the postman today by going to the door naked.
I’m not sure what scared him more, my naked body or the fact that I knew where he lived.

Puts the car into reverse.
“Ah, this takes me back”

What do you call a gay milkman? A Dairy Queen

A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says, “A beer please, and one for the road.”

I’ve bought my son a huge wooden horse for Christmas.

I got it from ‘Troys R Us.’

At an interview:
First question: “Describe yourself in 3 words”
Me: “Not good with numbers”.

I have a fear of speed bumps. Im slowly getting over it

My kids have been throwing Scrabble tiles at each other again.

it’s all fun and games until someone loses an i.

A bill collector came to my house the other day, so I gave him a huge stack of old bills

Give a Nigerian a fish he’ll eat for a day. Teach a Nigerian to phish and he’ll become a prince and start e-mailing people

I just deleted all the German names off my phone. It’s Hans free

What do you call a magic dog? A Labracadabrador.

What’s the worst thing about ancient history class?
The teachers tend to Babylon

Two men broke into a drugstore and stole all the Viagra. The police put out an alert to be on the lookout for the two hardened criminals

Why don’t the melons get married? Because they cantaloupe

What does Batman put in his drink?

Just Ice

Statistically speaking, 6 out of 7 dwarves aren’t happy

I may not be getting lucky tonight, but I’m definitely banging my snooze button in the morning.