My speech today will be like a mini-skirt. Long enough to cover the essentials but short enough to hold your attention!

“Give it to me! Give it to me!” she yelled, “I’m so wet, give it to me now!” She could scream all she wanted to. I was keeping the umbrella.

My girlfriend left me because she couldn’t handle my OCD. I told her to close the door five times on her way out.

I don’t know if I just got hit by freezing rain, but it hurt like hail.

It’s not that the man did not know how to juggle, he just didn’t have the balls to do it.

Don’t fart in an apple store, there’s no windows!

I really hate those people who knock at your door and tell you how you need to be ‘saved’ or you’ll ‘burn.’
Stupid firemen.

What did the cannibal do after dumping his girlfriend? He wiped his bum.

Doctor, I feel like a wigwam and a teepee. Trouble is, you’re too tense.

My son wanted to know what it’s like to be married. I told him to leave me alone and when he did I asked him why he was ignoring me.

Is google a woman? Because it won’t let you finish your sentence without coming up with other suggestions.

Our vet is great. If you take your dog in and you have pet insurance, they give you a courtesy dog for the day.

What’s the difference between mechanical engineers and civil engineers?

Mechanical engineers build weapons. Civil engineers build targets.

I’ve found a job helping a one armed typist do capital letters.
It’s shift work.

Where do pencils go on vacation? Pencilvania

What’s the difference between an oral thermometer and a rectal thermometer? The taste

My dad said, always leave them wanting more.
Ironically, that’s how he lost his job in disaster relief.

What do you call a man with no arms and no legs lying in your fireplace?
Bernie

I can guess your blood type.
Its Red.