What did the bra say to the hat?
You go on a head I’m gonna give these two a lift

There are 2 rules for success:
1. Don’t tell all you know.

I just read a book about Stockholm syndrome. It was pretty bad at first but by the end I kinda liked it

My party trick is swallowing two peices of string and an hour later they come out of my arse tied together. I shit you knot.

I’ve recently quit my job as a butler.

I refuse to be ordered around in that manor.

An African-American guy and a Mexican guy opened a restaurant. It’s called Nacho Mama.

Why do all of P-Diddy’s kids have nice hair?
Because Sean Combs

Woke up on the ground last night, must have fell asleep​.

A bear walked into a bar and says, “I’ll have a beer……and some of those peanuts.” The bartender says, “Why the big pause?”

Yo mamma is so fat that when she sat on a laptop, the hardware turned into software!

My dad said, always leave them wanting more.
Ironically, that’s how he lost his job in disaster relief.

There was a man who entered a local paper’s pun contest.. He sent in ten different puns, in the hope that at least one of the puns would win. Unfortunately, no pun in ten did.

When are holes beautiful? When they’re gorges.

What did the hat say to the hat rack?
You stay here I’m going on a head

What do you call a pig with three eyes?
A Piiig…

I bought a ceiling fan the other day. Complete waste of money. He just stands there applauding and saying “Ooh, I love how smooth it is”

What do you call a man with no arms and no legs lying in your fireplace?
Bernie

I still remember the day the scented candle shop I worked at burned to the ground.

Everyone was so calm…..

Why don’t helicopters fly in the morning? Twirly