How did the hipster burn his tongue?
He drank his coffee before it was cool

What do you call a gay milkman? A Dairy Queen

I thought I understood the meaning of “When Pigs Fly” but then… the swine flu.

I’m going to stand outside, so if anyone asks I’m outstanding.

I have kleptomania, but when it gets bad I take something for it

My wife was in labor with our first child when suddenly she began to shout, “Shouldn’t, couldn’t, wouldn’t, didn’t, can’t!”

“Doc, what’s wrong with my wife?” I asked.

“Nothing” he said. “She’s just having contractions.”

I mustache you a question but I’ll Shave it for later

I called the cops about a murder on my front lawn.
They said they couldn’t do anything about crows and to stop calling them.

I’m not lazy… I’m just on my energy saving mode.

I met a woman with 12 boobs…
Sounds weird dozen tit!

What do you call a man with no arms and no legs lying in your fireplace?
Bernie

One of the elves left the North Pole to join a gang and sell drugs.
He’s a rebel without a Claus

I used to be a lifeguard, but this blue kid got me fired.

What do you call an Asian lady with one leg?
Irene

I’m hosting a marathon for people with chronic diarrhea. It’s a run for the runs

I had amnesia once – maybe twice.

When life gives you melons, you’re probably dyslexic.

It’s Jamaican hair style day at work tomorrow. I’m already dreading it.

I named my hard drive “dat ass” so once a month my computer asks if I want to back dat ass up

Why was the computer late for work?
He had a slow, hard drive