What do vegan dogs eat? Bark

Sheepdog: All 50 sheep are accounted for, boss.
Farmer: But I only had 49?
Sheepdog: Yeah I know. I rounded them up.

And the best neckwear award goes to…
Oh wait. It’s a tie.

A hole was found in the wall of a nudist camp. The police are looking into it.

What do you call a man with no arms or legs hanging on the wall?
Art

What do you call a pastry with diamonds? A stud muffin

What do you get when you cross a dyslexic, an insomniac, and an agnostic?
Someone who lays awake at night wondering if there is a dog.

What’s the difference between mechanical engineers and civil engineers?

Mechanical engineers build weapons. Civil engineers build targets.

What do dinosaurs pay their bills with?
Tyrannosaurus Cheques

My party trick is swallowing two peices of string and an hour later they come out of my arse tied together. I shit you knot.

People used to laugh at me when I would say “I want to be a comedian”, well nobody’s laughing now.

Welcome to Plastic Surgery Addicts Anonymous. I’m seeing a lot of new faces in the crowd this week and I have to say I’m really disappointed.

Two blondes are facing each other across a wide stream.
One yells to the other, ‘How do you get to the other side?’
The other blonde replies, ‘You are on the other side!’

“Jesus loves you.”

A nice gesture in church.

A horrific thing to hear in a Mexican prison.

My wife just broke up with me for talking about video games too much, what a stupid thing to Fallout 4

A lot of people are afraid of heights. Not me, I’m afraid of widths.

Ice hockey is basically just guys wearing knife shoes fighting each other with long sticks for the last Oreo.

Dogs can’t operate MRI machines… but catscan