Which dinosaur knew the most words?
The thesaurus.

Yeah, it was on Fry Day, I can’t believe they got killed for the halibut. No motive, someone should seas the culprit. I’m crabby bout it all

Conjunctivitis.com: a site for sore eyes

Nostalgia isn’t what it used to be.

Smoking will give you cancer.
Eating bacon will you give you cancer.
But for some reason, smoking bacon will cure it.

My cross-eyed wife and I just got a divorce. We didn’t see eye to eye. I also found out she was seeing someone on the side.

Let’s hope the new Jurassic world movie isn’t a train Rex of a film.

Relationships are a lot like algebra. Have you ever thought about your X and wondered Y?

I’m thinking of selling my John Lennon memorabilia on eBay.
Imagine all the PayPal.

What does a baby computer call his dad?
Data

My wife just broke up with me for talking about video games too much, what a stupid thing to Fallout 4

I’m going to stand outside, so if anyone asks I’m outstanding.

Don’t trust atoms. They make up everything.

What do you call people who are afraid of Santa Claus? Claustrophobic

Arguing with my wife is like reading the software licencing agreement. In the end, you ignore everything and click “I agree”.

My wife isn’t talking to me because apparently I ruined her birthday.
I’m not sure how I did that – I didn’t even know it was her birthday

How can you spot the blind guy at the nudist colony? It’s not hard.

If you’re here for the yodeling lesson, please form an orderly orderly orderly orderly queue.

I told my wife I was going to make a bike out of spaghetti. She couldn’t believe it when I rode pasta.