What do you call a guy with a car on his head?
Jack

I just watched a program about beavers. It was the best dam program I’ve ever seen.

A man is being arrested by a female police officer, who informs him, “Anything you say can and will be held against you.” The man replies, “Boobs!”

I didn’t like my beard at first but then it grew on me.

I dreamt I wrote the Hobbit the other night. I think I was Tolkien in my sleep.

A guy walks into a bar and orders a fruit punch.
Bartender says “Pal, if you want a punch you’ll have to stand in line”. The guy looks around, but there is no punch line.

What do you call a cow that just gave birth?
Decalfeinated.

What did the bra say to the hat?
You go on a head I’m gonna give these two a lift

A steak pun is a rare medium well done

Whenever I pass someone texting and driving, I throw my beer at their window

When you have a bladder infection, urine trouble

My friend has got a butler who only has one arm.
Serves him right.

What does a panda ghost eat? Bam-BOO!

Velociraptor = Distance raptor / Time raptor

If pronouncing my b’s as v’s makes me sound Russian, then soviet.

My dad used to be a human cannonball in the circus. They’ve never found another man of his caliber

A termite walks into a bar and says “where’s the bar tender”

Don’t trust atoms. They make up everything.

A Russian spy, a sexual predator, and a billionaire walk into a bar. The bartender says, “What can I get you, Mr. President?”

What’s the opposite of Christopher Reeve?
Christopher Walken