Hung a picture up on the wall the other day. Nailed it.

How did the hipster burn his tongue?
He drank his coffee before it was cool

I named my hard drive “dat ass” so once a month my computer asks if I want to back dat ass up

I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn’t find any.

An old man threw out his hip.. What a waist

I may not be getting lucky tonight, but I’m definitely banging my snooze button in the morning.

I’ve just found out one of my mates works as a mime artist. He’s kept that quiet.

Took my dog to a bonfire and as he sat there staring at it blankly I realised he loves sticks. I was burning a giant pile of his toys.

What do you call an alligator wearing a vest? An investigator.

A farmer counted 196 cows in the field. But when he rounded them up, he had 200

Why should you never give Elsa a balloon?
Cause she’ll just let it go

My annual performance review says I lack “passion & intensity”, guess management hasn’t seen me alone with a Big Mac.

Dogs can’t operate MRI machines… but catscan

My wife isn’t talking to me because apparently I ruined her birthday.
I’m not sure how I did that – I didn’t even know it was her birthday

Did you hear about the horse and pig that are dating?
They’re in a stable relationship

I got a photo with R.E.M
That’s me in the corner

Nothing makes me more suspicious than an unsolicited compliment.

There are so many scams on the Internet these days…. but for $19.95 I can show you how to avoid them.

What is Mozart doing right now? Decomposing.