I lost my licence so I bought a vintage Rolls Royce because I thought it came with a driver. It didn’t. So I spent all that money and I’ve got nothing to chauffeur it.

Just burned 2,000 calories. That’s the last time I leave brownies in the oven while I nap.

I’ve found a job helping a one armed typist do capital letters.
It’s shift work.

When does a sandwich cook?
When it’s bakin lettuce and tomato

Why did the Higgs Boson go to church?
For the mass

I had an argument with one of the seven dwarfs. He wasn’t happy

The hardness of butter is directly proportional to the softness of the bread.

What do you call a guy with a rabbit up his butt?
Warren

I hate gravity, it always gets me down

What do PCs and air conditioners have in common?
They both become useless when you open windows

“Children are like a sponge at this age,” I said as I used my neighbour’s toddler to wipe up my beer that he spilled.

Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth, then it just becomes a soap opera.

My wife told me to get our red headed son ready for school. So I beat him up and took his lunch money.

A woman’s mind is cleaner than a man’s: She changes it more often.

I met a one-legged woman outside of a club the other day. She was a bouncer.

Where are average things manufactured?
The satisfactory

Does a dolphin ever do something by accident? No, they do everything on porpoise.

What did one lumber jack say to another lumber jack?
“I need to axe you a question”