#355

Yeah, it was on Fry Day, I can’t believe they got killed for the halibut. No motive, someone should seas the culprit. I’m crabby bout it all

#892

Why didn’t the vampire attack Taylor Swift?
She had Bad Blood

#476

I couldn’t work out how to fasten my seatbelt. Then it clicked.

#314

I have two boys, 5 and 6. We’re no good at naming things in our house.

#500

Waitress: ‘Do u have any questions about the menu?’ Me: ‘What kind of font is this?’

#499

Why did the old man fall in the well? Because he couldn’t see that well.

#568

What do you call someone who sells their body for a bowl of spaghetti? A pastatute!

#102

I called the vet to complain about a bill. He just put the phone down. As quickly and humanely as possible.

#729

Why don’t the enemies of the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles just flip them on their backs?

#22

Did you hear about the kidnapping at school? It’s fine, he woke up

#211

A man is being arrested by a female police officer, who informs him, “Anything you say can and will be held against you.” The man replies, “Boobs!”

#612

My first day on the job at an IKEA store, I was told by my boss that employees needed to go to the meeting room before every shift. I asked why. He said, “Assembly required.”

#466

Ice hockey is basically just guys wearing knife shoes fighting each other with long sticks for the last Oreo.

#256

Why did Humpty Dumpty push his girlfriend off the wall? So he could see her crack!

#242

If you spent your day in a well, can you say your day was well-spent?

#23

I used to think I was indecisive, but now I’m not too sure

#259

I’ve accidentally swallowed some Scrabble tiles. My next crap could spell disaster.

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