Yeah, it was on Fry Day, I can’t believe they got killed for the halibut. No motive, someone should seas the culprit. I’m crabby bout it all

What do you call a wandering caveman? A meanderthal.

Why didn’t the vampire attack Taylor Swift?
She had Bad Blood

I couldn’t work out how to fasten my seatbelt. Then it clicked.

I have two boys, 5 and 6. We’re no good at naming things in our house.

Waitress: ‘Do u have any questions about the menu?’ Me: ‘What kind of font is this?’

Why did the old man fall in the well? Because he couldn’t see that well.

What do you call someone who sells their body for a bowl of spaghetti? A pastatute!

I called the vet to complain about a bill. He just put the phone down. As quickly and humanely as possible.

How did the farmer find his wife?

He tractor down.

Why don’t the enemies of the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles just flip them on their backs?

Did you hear about the kidnapping at school? It’s fine, he woke up

Don’t trust atoms. They make up everything.

A man is being arrested by a female police officer, who informs him, “Anything you say can and will be held against you.” The man replies, “Boobs!”

My first day on the job at an IKEA store, I was told by my boss that employees needed to go to the meeting room before every shift. I asked why. He said, “Assembly required.”

Ice hockey is basically just guys wearing knife shoes fighting each other with long sticks for the last Oreo.

Why did Humpty Dumpty push his girlfriend off the wall? So he could see her crack!

If you spent your day in a well, can you say your day was well-spent?

I used to think I was indecisive, but now I’m not too sure

I’ve accidentally swallowed some Scrabble tiles. My next crap could spell disaster.