#61
I was thinking about getting a brain transplant, but then I changed my mind
#899
I knew a guy who collected candy canes, they were all in mint condition.
#640
My dad was dyslexic. Whenever I swore when growing up, he’d wash my mouth out with soup.
#211
A man is being arrested by a female police officer, who informs him, “Anything you say can and will be held against you.” The man replies, “Boobs!”
#113
I got a sext from a redhead: “I’m all alone. Come over. Bring protection.” I took SPF50.
#797
My dad always used to say “The sky’s the limit!”
Which is probably why he got fired from his job at NASA
#466
Ice hockey is basically just guys wearing knife shoes fighting each other with long sticks for the last Oreo.
#860
Why did the Mexican throw his wife off a bridge?
Tequila
#6
What do you call a fish with no eyes?
A fsh
#819
Wish I was a dolphin. Then I’d have a porpoise in life
#84
What do you call the security outside of a Samsung Store?
Guardians of the Galaxy.
#98
“Your finest Scotch, please.” “Yes, sir,” the guy at Officeworks says as he hands me a 12 year old roll of tape.
#176
A Roman walks into a bar, sticks two fingers up to the barman and says, “Five beers please.”
#11
A handicapped guy stole my wallet.
He can hide but he can’t run
#130
My wife asked me to bring home stuff for the pancakes. She wasn’t happy when I arrived with a push-up bra.
#766
Where do pencils go on vacation? Pencilvania
#82
I made a graph of my past relationships. It has an ex axis and a why axis.
#422
What kind of bees make milk?
Boobies
#383
How many south Americans does it take to change a light bulb? A Brazilian
#252
For a period, Houdini used a trap door in every single show he did…I guess you could say it was a stage he was going through