PMS should just be called ovary-acting

What do you call a wandering caveman? A meanderthal.

My neighbor is in the Guinness World Records. He has had 44 concussions. He lives very close to me. A stone’s throw away, in fact.

There was a prison break and I saw a midget climb up the fence. As he jumped down her sneered at me and I thought, well that’s a little condescending.

There was a man who entered a local paper’s pun contest.. He sent in ten different puns, in the hope that at least one of the puns would win. Unfortunately, no pun in ten did.

What’s the difference between a joke and a rhetorical question?

37 consonants, 25 vowels, a question mark, and a comma went to court.
They will be sentenced next Friday.

I have a stepladder. Because my real ladder left when I was a kid

What is invisible and smells like worms?
Bird farts

I bought a ceiling fan the other day. Complete waste of money. He just stands there applauding and saying “Ooh, I love how smooth it is”

Me: Mmm, you’ve dimmed the lights. I like where this is going.
Optometrist: Just read the letters on the screen.

Your mum is so mean, she has no standard deviation
🤓

I don’t know if I just got hit by freezing rain, but it hurt like hail.

Why are teddy bears never hungry?
Because they’re stuffed

I thought I had a Japanese friend, but it was just my imagine asian

What do you call an Asian lady with one leg?
Irene

When my girlfriend said she was leaving because of my obsession with the Monkees, I didn’t believe her. And then I saw her face

My wife told me “Sex is better on holiday”.
Worst postcard ever.