#621

The soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray was a seasoned veteran

#141

I just found out that the guy who stole my private diary has died.
My thoughts are with his family.

#372

My dad suggested I register for a donor card. He’s a man after my own heart

#741

What does it take to make an octopus laugh?
Ten tickles

#255

Why don’t the melons get married? Because they cantaloupe

#296

My wife’s been staring through the window ever since it started snowing. If it gets any worse, I’ll have to let her in.

#420

I wasn’t happy with my sons school report. He said okay. I said I want more A’s. He said okaaaaaaaay

#398

What’s the difference between a dirty bus stop and a lobster with breast implants?

One’s a crusty bus station and the other a busty crustacean

#403

It puzzles me that a bra is singular and panties are plural.

#256

Why did Humpty Dumpty push his girlfriend off the wall? So he could see her crack!

#587

Took my dog to a bonfire and as he sat there staring at it blankly I realised he loves sticks. I was burning a giant pile of his toys.

#890

What do you call a snobbish prisoner going down the stairs?
A condescending con descending

#641

My wife’s mad because I paid for my dope out of our joint account. I thought that was why we had it.

#236

“Jesus loves you.”

A nice gesture in church.

A horrific thing to hear in a Mexican prison.

#630

Why did the snowman smile?
Because the snowblower was coming

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