The soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray was a seasoned veteran


I just found out that the guy who stole my private diary has died.
My thoughts are with his family.


My dad suggested I register for a donor card. He’s a man after my own heart


What does it take to make an octopus laugh?
Ten tickles


Why don’t the melons get married? Because they cantaloupe


My wife’s been staring through the window ever since it started snowing. If it gets any worse, I’ll have to let her in.


I wasn’t happy with my sons school report. He said okay. I said I want more A’s. He said okaaaaaaaay


What’s the difference between a dirty bus stop and a lobster with breast implants?

One’s a crusty bus station and the other a busty crustacean


It puzzles me that a bra is singular and panties are plural.


Why did Humpty Dumpty push his girlfriend off the wall? So he could see her crack!


Took my dog to a bonfire and as he sat there staring at it blankly I realised he loves sticks. I was burning a giant pile of his toys.


What do you call a snobbish prisoner going down the stairs?
A condescending con descending


My wife’s mad because I paid for my dope out of our joint account. I thought that was why we had it.


“Jesus loves you.”

A nice gesture in church.

A horrific thing to hear in a Mexican prison.


Why did the snowman smile?
Because the snowblower was coming

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