I felt so bad today…I saw this sad dog without a tail. Luckily, his owner was taking him to the retail store.

I only trust people who like big butts. They cannot lie.

I remember last summer I was so excited when the water restrictions were lifted I wet my plants.

Woke up on the ground last night, must have fell asleep​.

Atheists don’t solve exponential equations because they don’t believe in higher powers.

What do you call a pig with three eyes?
A Piiig…

Rick Astley will let you borrow any movie from his Pixar collection, except one. He’s never gonna give you Up

I have a stepladder. Because my real ladder left when I was a kid

What to say to a hitch-hiker with just one leg? Hop in.

Why do chemists like nitrates so much?
They’re cheaper than day rates.

I did a theatrical performance on puns.
It was a play on words.

I met my wife at an Arthritis support meeting.
You know when two people just click.

My wife and I always compromise. I admit I’m wrong and she agrees with me.

What do you call two Mexicans playing basketball? Juan on Juan

People who sometimes use the wrong words should have the humidity to admit it.

“You haven’t listened to a word I’ve said, have you?” always seems like a strange way for my wife to start a conversation.

Several guys are sitting around having a drink and one guy says “My wife’s an angel” another guy says “Your lucky, mines still alive.”

3 people having sex is a threesome, 2 is a twosome. So next time someone calls you ‘handsome’, don’t take it as a compliment!

I’m in awe. My buddy just used a snail as a key to start up his sedan…

It made escargot.

Two birds are sitting on a perch and one says “Do you smell fish?”