Have you heard about the cannibal that passed his brother in the forest?

Me: Go to sleep before the monsters get you.
Daughter: Monsters aren’t real.
Me: You sound like your sister.
Daughter: Sister?
Me: I’ve said too much already…

Murphy’s law states anything that can go wrong will go wrong, but have you heard of Cole’s law? It’s finely sliced cabbage.

What do you do with a dead chemist? You barium

1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. There are 5 people in my family, so it must be one of them. It’s either my mum or my dad. Or my older brother Colin. Or my younger brother Ho-Cha-Chu. But I think it’s Colin.

The rotation of earth really makes my day.

So after I won the game for our team I decided to throw the ball into the crowd like they do on T.V.
Apparently, that’s a no-no in bowling.

Prison may be just one word. But to some, it’s a whole sentence.

Wanna hear a potassium joke?
K

An opinion without 3.14159 is just an onion.

A man is being arrested by a female police officer, who informs him, “Anything you say can and will be held against you.” The man replies, “Boobs!”

What was the demon arrested for?
Possession

I think they picked me for my motivational skills. Everyone always says they have to work twice as hard when I’m around!

A magician walks down an alley and turns into a bar

What do you call a belt with a watch on it?
A waist of time

When I get naked in the bathroom, the shower usually gets turned on.

What do you get when a cow jumps over a barbed wire fence? An udder disaster.