#335

I’m close friends with 25 letters of the alphabet, I don’t know y

#745

I just found out I’m colorblind. The diagnosis came completely out of the purple.

#864

I’m having an introvert party and you’re all not invited.

#19

Did you hear about the guy who got hit in the head with a can of soda? He was lucky it was a soft drink.

#573

I’m here for whatever you need me to do… from the couch.

#465

I don’t need a hot tub. I prefer a mildly attractive tub with a great sense of humor and a good job

#397

I bought my friend an elephant for their room.

They said “thank you”

I said “Don’t mention it”

#252

For a period, Houdini used a trap door in every single show he did…I guess you could say it was a stage he was going through

#111

My wife broke up with me because of my gambling. All I can think of is how to win her back.

#255

Why don’t the melons get married? Because they cantaloupe

#379

Shout out to my grandma…
That’s the only way she can hear

#1

“Whenever we drive past a graveyard my dad says, ‘Do you know why I can’t be buried there?’ And we all say, ‘Why not?’ And he says, ‘Because I’m not dead yet!’”

#249

What kind of exercise do lazy people do? Diddly-squats.

#301

What’s the definition of a will? (It’s a dead giveaway)

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