I’m addicted to brake fluid but I can stop whenever I want

I named my hard drive “dat ass” so once a month my computer asks if I want to back dat ass up

How do you get down from an elephant?
You don’t. You get down from a goose

What do you call a sheep with no legs? A cloud

When an employment application asks who is to be notified in case of emergency, I always write, “A very good doctor”

How do you count cows? With a cowculater.

I dreamt I wrote the Hobbit the other night. I think I was Tolkien in my sleep.

Two goldfish are in a tank. One says to the other, “do you know how to drive this thing?”

I’m great at multitasking.
I can waste time, be unproductive and procrastinate all at once!

I’m not passive aggressive. Unlike some people.

There are so many scams on the Internet these days…. but for $19.95 I can show you how to avoid them.

Does a dolphin ever do something by accident? No, they do everything on porpoise.

I dreamt I was swimming in an orange ocean last night. It was just a Fanta sea

Why should you never give Elsa a balloon?
Cause she’ll just let it go

I have a fear of speed bumps, but I’m slowly getting over it

No matter how much you push the envelope, it’ll still be stationery.

I have two boys, 5 and 6. We’re no good at naming things in our house.

My wife said I never listen to her. Or something like that.