I applied for a government job but accidentally sent the wrong resume. This early display of incompetence should work in my favour.

Want to get noticed?
Go jogging without moving your arms.

I married Miss Right. I just didn’t know her first name was Always.

I mean – I appreciate that my friends are doing their best to cheer me up after my diagnosis, but I’ve heard so many cancer jokes today – if I get to hear just tumor I’ll really get mad.

1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. There are 5 people in my family, so it must be one of them. It’s either my mum or my dad. Or my older brother Colin. Or my younger brother Ho-Cha-Chu. But I think it’s Colin.

For a short while, my uncle was a world famous chainsaw juggler. But not for being good at it. I miss uncle Stump.

What do you call a king’s fart?
Noble gas.

What is the difference between ignorance and apathy? I don’t know, and I don’t care.

Two soldiers are in a tank.
One looks at the other and says “BLUBLUBBLUBLUBBLUB”

Two blondes are facing each other across a wide stream.
One yells to the other, ‘How do you get to the other side?’
The other blonde replies, ‘You are on the other side!’

A bill collector came to my house the other day, so I gave him a huge stack of old bills

My wife broke up with me because of my gambling. All I can think of is how to win her back.

What do a nearsighted gynecologist and a puppy have in common? A wet nose.

Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth, then it just becomes a soap opera.

How much did it cost for the pirate to get his ears pierced?.

A buccaneer

What’s the leading cause of dry skin? Towels

There are so many scams on the Internet these days…. but for $19.95 I can show you how to avoid them.