I’m close friends with 25 letters of the alphabet, I don’t know y

What do you call a sheep with no legs? A cloud

I just found out I’m colorblind. The diagnosis came completely out of the purple.

I’m having an introvert party and you’re all not invited.

Did you hear about the guy who got hit in the head with a can of soda? He was lucky it was a soft drink.

I’m here for whatever you need me to do… from the couch.

I don’t need a hot tub. I prefer a mildly attractive tub with a great sense of humor and a good job

I bought my friend an elephant for their room.

They said “thank you”

I said “Don’t mention it”

For a period, Houdini used a trap door in every single show he did…I guess you could say it was a stage he was going through

My wife broke up with me because of my gambling. All I can think of is how to win her back.

What do you call dental x-rays?
Tooth pics

The only dates I get these days are software updates

Why don’t the melons get married? Because they cantaloupe

What has four letters

My wife told me I was average, I think she’s mean.

Shout out to my grandma…
That’s the only way she can hear

“Whenever we drive past a graveyard my dad says, ‘Do you know why I can’t be buried there?’ And we all say, ‘Why not?’ And he says, ‘Because I’m not dead yet!’”

What kind of exercise do lazy people do? Diddly-squats.

What’s the definition of a will? (It’s a dead giveaway)

How much does a hipster weigh? An instagram