If tomatoes are technically a fruit, is ketchup technically a smoothie?

I used to work in a shoe recycling shop. It was sole destroying

At any given moment the urge to sing, “The Lion Sleeps Tonight” is just a whim away. A whim away. A whim away.

What do you call a belt with a watch on it?
A waist of time

Did you hear about the houses falling in love? It was a lawn-distance relationship.

My wife just broke up with me for talking about video games too much, what a stupid thing to Fallout 4

I never wanted to believe that my Dad was stealing from his job as a road worker. But when I got home, all the signs were there.

What do you call a fly with no wings?
A walk

What do you call a parade of rabbits hopping backwards?
A receding hare-line

I just wrote a book on reverse psychology. Do *not* read it!

Living on earth may be expensive, but it includes an annual free trip around the sun.

The plumber told me a hole boring story about pipes.

What do you call a woman that sets her bills on fire? Bernadette

The year 2020 is going to be filled with so many puns about perfect vision

I can just see it now.

My dad suggested I register for a donor card. He’s a man after my own heart

Why did the snowman smile?
Because the snowblower was coming

I poured root beer into a square glass.
Now I just have beer

How did the hipster burn his tongue?
He drank his coffee before it was cool

People who sometimes use the wrong words should have the humidity to admit it.