Where do pencils go on vacation? Pencilvania

This guy said to me: “I’m gonna attack you with the neck of my guitar.” I said: “Is that a fret?”

There was a big paddle sale at the boat store.
It was quite an oar deal.

What does cheese say when it sees itself in the mirror? Halloumi

Fishermen are reel men.

A jumper cable walked into a bar, the bartender said “I’ll serve you, but don’t start anything!”

My wife told me she thought we’d have less arguments if I wasn’t so pedantic.

I told her ‘I think you mean fewer’.

My ex-wife has lessons with the devil on how to be more evil. I don’t know what she charges him.

My dad was dyslexic. Whenever I swore when growing up, he’d wash my mouth out with soup.

Heard about the new restaurant called Karma?
There’s no menu – you get what you deserve

What did the electrician say when he got shocked?
That hertz.

The first 5 days after the weekend are the hardest

Counting in binary is as easy as 01 10 11

How many Freudians does it take to change a light bulb? Sex.

Some cause happiness wherever they go; others whenever they go.

What do you call people who illegally use restrooms? Squatters.

Took my dog to a bonfire and as he sat there staring at it blankly I realised he loves sticks. I was burning a giant pile of his toys.

I heard there was a new store called Moderation. They have everything there

Have I told you this deja vu joke before?