I gave Stevie wonder a cheese grater for his birthday. He said it was the most violent book he’s ever read.

Why don’t flies go to church?
Because they’re in sects

At an interview:
First question: “Describe yourself in 3 words”
Me: “Not good with numbers”.

A giraffe walks into a bar and says, “The highballs are on me.”

What’s the opposite of Christopher Reeve?
Christopher Walken

About a month before he died, my uncle had his back covered in lard. After that, he went down hill fast.

Why is life in North Korea so hard? Because North Korea lost its Seoul.

The invisible man and invisible woman had children… they weren’t much to look at

There was a big paddle sale at the boat store.
It was quite an oar deal.

What did Batman say to Robin before they got in the batmobile?
“Get in the batmobile”

Two birds are sitting on a perch and one says “Do you smell fish?”

What do you call a snobbish prisoner going down the stairs?
A condescending con descending

Dogs can’t operate MRI machines… but catscan

What did the electrician say when he got shocked?
That hertz.

I broke a can opener. It’s a can’t opener now.

If a stranger offers you a piece of candy…take two.

What does a baby computer call his dad?
Data

What’s the difference between mechanical engineers and civil engineers?

Mechanical engineers build weapons. Civil engineers build targets.

What do you call an Amish guy with his hand up a horse’s butt?
A mechanic!

A termite walks into a bar and says “where’s the bar tender”