#76

When I get naked in the bathroom, the shower usually gets turned on.

#850

Nothing makes me more suspicious than an unsolicited compliment.

#482

When an employment application asks who is to be notified in case of emergency, I always write, “A very good doctor”

#405

The Man Who Created Autocorrect Has Died. Resturant In Peace.

#739

Wanted to tell you a joke about tv controllers but it’s not even remotely funny

#483

What do you call an academically successful slice of bread? An honor roll.

#50

Our cat was just sick on the carpet. I don’t think its feline well.

#252

For a period, Houdini used a trap door in every single show he did…I guess you could say it was a stage he was going through

#342

A man who loves Sherlock Holmes novels and puns names his dog Furlock. One day, he takes his dog out to town with him and stops in a little boutique. He brings his dog in with him and tries on a shirt. To his dismay, it isn’t the right size. He looks at his dog and says “No fit, Furlock.“

#378

I broke my finger last week. On the other hand, I’m okay

#810

Why do cows have hooves instead of feet?
Because they lactose

#885

A horse walks into a bar. Several patrons get up and leave as they recognise the potential danger in the situation

#25

Relationships are a lot like algebra. Have you ever thought about your X and wondered Y?

#624

Why can’t you take inventory in Afghanistan?
Because of the tally ban

#125

My party trick is swallowing two peices of string and an hour later they come out of my arse tied together. I shit you knot.

#880

I have six eyes, two mouths and three ears. What am I? Ugly

#307

It’d be frustrating if you seriously couldn’t find your friend Marco at a crowded swimming pool.

#112

Me: Go to sleep before the monsters get you.
Daughter: Monsters aren’t real.
Me: You sound like your sister.
Daughter: Sister?
Me: I’ve said too much already…

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