I’ve just found out one of my mates works as a mime artist. He’s kept that quiet.

I’m the kind of guy who stops the microwave at 1 second just to feel like a bomb defuser.

My dad said, always leave them wanting more.
Ironically, that’s how he lost his job in disaster relief.

What do you call a bee with a low buzz?
A mumblebee

I just wrote a book on reverse psychology. Do *not* read it!

If iron man and the silver surfer team up, they’ll be alloys

What does a baby computer call his dad?
Data

I remember last summer I was so excited when the water restrictions were lifted I wet my plants.

Build a man a fire, and he’ll be warm for a day. Set a man on fire, and he’ll be warm for the rest of his life.

I was cleaning one of my finger guns and accidentally blew a hole through my air guitar.

What do you call a king’s fart?
Noble gas.

What do you call Watson when Sherlock isn’t around? Holmeless.

Yeah I’m into fitness… Fitness pizza in my mouth!

What do bees do with their honey? They cell it.

My wife says I’m too impulsive. But what the hell does she know? She only met me yesterday.

What’s the worst vegetable to eat on a boat?
Leek

I asked the librarian if they had any books on paranoia?
She whispered, “They’re behind you”.

What do vegan dogs eat? Bark

What is the first thing Santa’s elves have to learn?
The Elfabet

A hungry traveller stops at a monastery and is taken to the kitchens. A brother is frying chips. ‘Are you the friar?’ he asks. ‘No. I’m the chip monk,’ he replies.