Did you hear about the cross eyed teacher?
Couldn’t control his pupils

This guy said to me: “I’m gonna attack you with the neck of my guitar.” I said: “Is that a fret?”

When I heard that they’d found a cure for dyslexia, it was like music to my arse.

What do you call a number that can’t keep still?
A roamin’ numeral

What’s the difference between deer nuts and beer nuts?
Beer nuts are a $1.75, but deer nuts are under a buck.

Why does the alcoholic Avon lady walk funny? Because her lips stick.

Why shouldn’t you make fun of a paleontologist? Because you will get Jurasskicked.

What’s the definition of a will? (It’s a dead giveaway)

I have a stepladder. Because my real ladder left when I was a kid

My dad said, always leave them wanting more.
Ironically, that’s how he lost his job in disaster relief.

I eat my tacos over a Tortilla. That way when stuff falls out, BOOM, another taco.

Your mum is so mean, she has no standard deviation
🤓

Did you hear about the theme park ride made entirely out of iron?
It was a ferrous wheel

The first 5 days after the weekend are the hardest

This guy just had a dangerous mole removed from the end of his penis. Definitely won’t be shagging one of those again

Murphy’s law states anything that can go wrong will go wrong, but have you heard of Cole’s law? It’s finely sliced cabbage.

My dad suggested I register for a donor card. He’s a man after my own heart

When an employment application asks who is to be notified in case of emergency, I always write, “A very good doctor”

I recently got a new Korean mechanic but it’s hard to understand him – he speaks with a Hyundai Accent!