Why didn’t the vampire attack Taylor Swift?
She had Bad Blood

Interviewer: “So how long were you employed in your last job?”
Me: “I’d say my biggest weakness is my listening skills.”

My doctors office has two doctors on call at all times. Is that considered a pair a docs.

A lot of people are afraid of heights. Not me, I’m afraid of widths.

How do crazy people go through the forest? They take the physco path.

What do you call a potato wearing glasses?
A spectater

What’s the difference between voyeurs and thieves? Thieves snatch your watch.

Thanks for explaining the word “many” to me, it means a lot

I was playing Frisbee with my dog in the park today, but it didn’t go well.
I think I need to get a flatter dog.

What part of a vegetable do cannibals struggle to eat?
The wheelchair

What’s orange and sounds like a parrot?
A carrot

Why did the chicken go to a séance? To communicate with the other side

I’ve just found out one of my mates works as a mime artist. He’s kept that quiet.

I lost my licence so I bought a vintage Rolls Royce because I thought it came with a driver. It didn’t. So I spent all that money and I’ve got nothing to chauffeur it.

My cats gonna sh** when he sees his new litter box I got him for Christmas.

What do you call a pastry with diamonds? A stud muffin

In any argument, a wife has the last word. Anything the husband says after that last word is the beginning of a new argument.

A philosopher says to a linguist “What if, instead of periods, women had apostrophes?”

The linguist replied, “They’d be more possessive and have more frequent contractions.”