No deja vu please…
I don’t want to go through that again

The hardness of butter is directly proportional to the softness of the bread.

I threw an Asian man down a flight of stairs. It was Wong on so many levels.

What do you call a fat psychic? A four-chin teller.

My wife told me she thought we’d have less arguments if I wasn’t so pedantic.

I told her ‘I think you mean fewer’.

What did the hat say to the hat rack?
You stay here I’m going on a head

The Man Who Created Autocorrect Has Died. Resturant In Peace.

There are three kinds of people: Those who can count and those who can’t.

I’ve found a job helping a one armed typist do capital letters.
It’s shift work.

A woman goes into a bar and asks for a “double entendre”. So the bartender gave her one.

There’s a new shaver designed for dyslexics.
It’s the best thing since sliced beard.

Is it bad to tell knock knock jokes to homeless people?

What kind of exercise do lazy people do? Diddly-squats.

If procrastionation was an Olympic sport, I’d compete in it later.

A bill collector came to my house the other day, so I gave him a huge stack of old bills

Why did the old man fall in the well? Because he couldn’t see that well.

So this guy with a premature ejaculation problem comes out of nowhere

Why do seagulls fly over the sea? Because if they flew over the bay, they’d be called bagels

I wasn’t happy with my sons school report. He said okay. I said I want more A’s. He said okaaaaaaaay