My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance. We’ll see about that.

I like to imagine the guy who invented the umbrella was going to call it the ‘brella’. But he hesitated.

And the best neckwear award goes to…
Oh wait. It’s a tie.

How many south Americans does it take to change a light bulb? A Brazilian

Got a universal remote for Father’s Day.
This changes everything!

What do you call an artist with a brown finger? Picassole

Did you hear about the fire at the shoe factory? It was a real tragedy, 100 soles were lost.

People used to laugh at me when I would say “I want to be a comedian”, well nobody’s laughing now.

I’m pretty sober.
But I’m prettier drunk

Where did Mary go after the explosion?
Everywhere

Hung a picture up on the wall the other day. Nailed it.

My wife was in labor with our first child when suddenly she began to shout, “Shouldn’t, couldn’t, wouldn’t, didn’t, can’t!”

“Doc, what’s wrong with my wife?” I asked.

“Nothing” he said. “She’s just having contractions.”

What do you call a fake noodle? An Impasta

I have a fear of speed bumps. Im slowly getting over it

Puts the car into reverse.
“Ah, this takes me back”

Why don’t helicopters fly in the morning? Twirly

A horse walks into a bar, across the room, up the back wall, across the ceiling, down the front wall and then up to the bar. The bartender gives the horse a beer, he drinks it and leaves. A guy sitting at the bar looks perplexed and asks the bartender “Hey, what’s that all about?” The bartender replies, “Don’t take it personally, he never says ‘Hi’ to anyone.”

I was playing Frisbee with my dog in the park today, but it didn’t go well.
I think I need to get a flatter dog.

So after I won the game for our team I decided to throw the ball into the crowd like they do on T.V.
Apparently, that’s a no-no in bowling.