My wife told me she was leaving me because I keep pretending to be a Transformer.
I said “No wait, I can change!”

It’s bad luck to be superstitious.

Did you hear about the horse and pig that are dating?
They’re in a stable relationship

Why is too much alcohol bad for you?

Because that would be too whiskey.

A handicapped guy stole my wallet.
He can hide but he can’t run

Why should you never give Elsa a balloon?
Cause she’ll just let it go

Two peanuts walked down the street. One of them was a salted

Something about subtraction just doesn’t add up

A blind man walks into a bar. And a table. And a chair.

If I get interviewed by a police sketch artist, my only goal will be to see how far I get before he realizes I’m making him draw a pirate.

I would give my right arm to be ambidextrous!

You kill vegetarian vampires with a steak to the heart

What do you do if a blonde throws a grenade at you? Pull the pin and throw it back.

What do squirrels give for Valentine’s Day? Forget-me-nuts.

I bought a cuckoo clock at an army disposals store. Last night at ten o’clock the bird chirped 2200 times.

How do snakes end a fight?
They hiss and make up

What does a thesaurus eat for breakfast?
Synonym rolls

Doing things that you are not supposed to do at work makes your vision, hearing and alertness much better.

Two birds are sitting on a perch and one says “Do you smell fish?”