I asked my wife for “something Cuban” for my birthday, and she got me a Che Guevara shirt.

Clothes, but no cigar.

My neighbor is in the Guinness World Records. He has had 44 concussions. He lives very close to me. A stone’s throw away, in fact.

At what age do you think it’s appropriate to tell a highway it’s adopted?

It’s a good thing farts aren’t contagious like yawns

I’m pretty sober.
But I’m prettier drunk

What do you call a fly with no wings?
A walk

What do you call two Mexicans playing basketball? Juan on Juan

What part of your body likes to get frisky?
The naked eye

There’s a new shaver designed for dyslexics.
It’s the best thing since sliced beard.

Why was the computer late for work?
He had a slow, hard drive

What do you get when you cross a dyslexic, an insomniac, and an agnostic?
Someone who lays awake at night wondering if there is a dog.

The best way to carve wood is whittle by whittle

Where do pencils go on vacation? Pencilvania

Scared the postman today by going to the door naked.
I’m not sure what scared him more, my naked body or the fact that I knew where he lived.

Why did the chicken go to a séance? To communicate with the other side

I poured root beer into a square glass.
Now I just have beer

When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds

I hate gravity, it always gets me down

I broke a can opener. It’s a can’t opener now.