What do pimps and farmers have in common? They both need a hoe to stay in business

I bought a cuckoo clock at an army disposals store. Last night at ten o’clock the bird chirped 2200 times.

I threw an Asian man down a flight of stairs. It was Wong on so many levels.

My wife told me she was leaving me because I keep pretending to be a Transformer.
I said “No wait, I can change!”

How do you fix a broken pumpkin? With a pumpkin patch.

Did you hear about the man who was accidentally buried alive?
It was a grave mistake.

I had a dream last night that I was a muffler. I woke up exhausted.

What do you call a guy with a rabbit up his butt?
Warren

Did you hear about the butcher who backed up into the meat grinder? He got a little behind in his work.

When I was a child my father attacked me with cameras.
I still have flashbacks

Our cat was just sick on the carpet. I don’t think its feline well.

A handicapped guy stole my wallet.
He can hide but he can’t run

I was playing Frisbee with my dog in the park today, but it didn’t go well.
I think I need to get a flatter dog.

I don’t mind kids playing hopscotch in most places, but my driveway is where I draw the line.

What do you call a Mexican with a vasectomy?
A dry Martinez

I used to be a lifeguard, but this blue kid got me fired.

I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather.
not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.

A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says, “A beer please, and one for the road.”

How does an evil cow laugh? Moohaha

The other night I had a knife in one hand and a block of colby in the other…
I told the kids to leave the room before I cut the cheese.