My wife broke up with me because of my gambling. All I can think of is how to win her back.

I got into a fight with my boner this morning. Don’t worry, I beat it single handedly

I just deleted all the German names off my phone. It’s Hans free

My friend just got a job at the zoo, circumcising elephants. The pay isn’t great but he gets huge tips.

Some cause happiness wherever they go; others whenever they go.

I really hate those people who knock at your door and tell you how you need to be ‘saved’ or you’ll ‘burn.’
Stupid firemen.

There was a big paddle sale at the boat store.
It was quite an oar deal.

My son wanted to know what it’s like to be married. I told him to leave me alone and when he did I asked him why he was ignoring me.

My tailor is happy to make a pair of pants for me, or at least sew it seams.

What’s the definition of a will? (It’s a dead giveaway)

Santa’s elves are just a bunch of subordinate Clauses.

Interviewer: “So how long were you employed in your last job?”
Me: “I’d say my biggest weakness is my listening skills.”

What do pimps and farmers have in common? They both need a hoe to stay in business

A courtroom artist was arrested today for an unknown reason… details are sketchy.

Puts the car into reverse.
“Ah, this takes me back”

I can cut down a tree just by looking at it. It’s true. I saw it with my own eyes

I still remember the day the scented candle shop I worked at burned to the ground.

Everyone was so calm…..

As soon as the hospital made me put on one of those little gowns, I knew the end was in sight