What do you call a king’s fart?
Noble gas.

Do you know why i make puns?
its my respunsibility.

My friend dug a hole in the garden and filled it with water. I think he meant well.

My wife is complaining that I never buy her jewellery. To be fair, I didn’t even know she sold jewellery.

I got called pretty yesterday and it felt good!

Actually, the full sentence was “you’re pretty annoying” but I’m choosing to focus on the positive

I was hooked on auctions after only going once… going twice.

Scared the postman today by going to the door naked.
I’m not sure what scared him more, my naked body or the fact that I knew where he lived.

I used to be a carpenter until I accidentally sat on my hammer, now I have hammeroids.

There are so many scams on the Internet these days…. but for $19.95 I can show you how to avoid them.

Someone threw cheese at me.
Real mature!

Blonde: “What does IDK mean?”

Brunette: “I don’t know.”

Blonde: “OMG, nobody does!”

Why was the thermometer smarter than the graduated cylinder?
He had more degrees

I was lonely so I bought some shares. It’s nice to have a bit of company

How many Emo kids does it take to change a light bulb? None, they all sit in the dark and cry

I bought a cuckoo clock at an army disposals store. Last night at ten o’clock the bird chirped 2200 times.

I was playing Frisbee with my dog in the park today, but it didn’t go well.
I think I need to get a flatter dog.

My friend recently got crushed by a pile of books, but he’s only got his shelf to blame.

What do you call a gay milkman? A Dairy Queen

My neighbour is a stripper and a coeliac which is tough because she can only jump out of certain cakes.