#385

My friend dug a hole in the garden and filled it with water. I think he meant well.

#136

My wife is complaining that I never buy her jewellery. To be fair, I didn’t even know she sold jewellery.

#464

I got called pretty yesterday and it felt good!

Actually, the full sentence was “you’re pretty annoying” but I’m choosing to focus on the positive

#529

I was hooked on auctions after only going once… going twice.

#644

Scared the postman today by going to the door naked.
I’m not sure what scared him more, my naked body or the fact that I knew where he lived.

#149

I used to be a carpenter until I accidentally sat on my hammer, now I have hammeroids.

#599

There are so many scams on the Internet these days…. but for $19.95 I can show you how to avoid them.

#538

Blonde: “What does IDK mean?”

Brunette: “I don’t know.”

Blonde: “OMG, nobody does!”

#390

Why was the thermometer smarter than the graduated cylinder?
He had more degrees

#440

I was lonely so I bought some shares. It’s nice to have a bit of company

#170

How many Emo kids does it take to change a light bulb? None, they all sit in the dark and cry

#104

I bought a cuckoo clock at an army disposals store. Last night at ten o’clock the bird chirped 2200 times.

#142

I was playing Frisbee with my dog in the park today, but it didn’t go well.
I think I need to get a flatter dog.

#185

My friend recently got crushed by a pile of books, but he’s only got his shelf to blame.

#723

My neighbour is a stripper and a coeliac which is tough because she can only jump out of certain cakes.

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