I know Jiu-Jitsu, Sambo, Judo, Aikido and lots of other scary words.

Why don’t helicopters fly in the morning? Twirly

A guy just threw milk at me… How dairy?!

The bartender says, “We don’t serve time travellers in here.”
A time traveller walks into a bar.

With sufficient thrust, pigs fly just fine.

Some cause happiness wherever they go; others whenever they go.

When he proposed to her. She found it very engaging.

My dad said, always leave them wanting more.
Ironically, that’s how he lost his job in disaster relief.

I was lonely so I bought some shares. It’s nice to have a bit of company

The first 5 days after the weekend are the hardest

How many kids with ADHD does it take to change a light bulb?
Let’s go play on our bikes

My wife is complaining that I never buy her jewellery. To be fair, I didn’t even know she sold jewellery.

I bet the butcher $50 that he couldn’t reach the meat off the top shelf. He said, “No, the steaks are too high.”

My son wanted to know what it’s like to be married. I told him to leave me alone and when he did I asked him why he was ignoring me.

A philosopher says to a linguist “What if, instead of periods, women had apostrophes?”

The linguist replied, “They’d be more possessive and have more frequent contractions.”

Why dont blind people skydive? Because it scares the crap out of their dogs.

The sex was so good that even the neighbors had a cigarette.

I applied for a government job but accidentally sent the wrong resume. This early display of incompetence should work in my favour.

A jumper cable walked into a bar, the bartender said “I’ll serve you, but don’t start anything!”

Laughing stock: cattle with a sense of humour.