Murphy’s law states anything that can go wrong will go wrong, but have you heard of Cole’s law? It’s finely sliced cabbage.

It’s a good thing farts aren’t contagious like yawns

How Long is a Chinese man’s name.

No, it actually is.

I’m so introverted I won’t even talk to myself.

Why did the Mexican throw his wife off a bridge?
Tequila

My wife told me she was leaving me because I keep pretending to be a Transformer.
I said “No wait, I can change!”

The year 2020 is going to be filled with so many puns about perfect vision

I can just see it now.

You know it’s cold outside when you go outside and its cold

What do you call a fake noodle? An Impasta

What do you call an Asian lady with one leg?
Irene

Where does Buzz Lightyear go furniture shopping at? Bed, Bath, and BEYOND!

What sits at the bottom of the ocean shivering?
A nervous wreck

My friend just got a job at the zoo, circumcising elephants. The pay isn’t great but he gets huge tips.

I think they picked me for my motivational skills. Everyone always says they have to work twice as hard when I’m around!

A grasshopper walks into a bar. The bartender says “Hey, we have a drink named after you.” The grasshopper says “You have a drink named Steve?”

I went bobsleighing the other day, killed 250 bobs.

What do you call a guy no arms no legs in the mail box? Bill.

As I said before, I never repeat myself.