Someone threw cheese at me.
Real mature!

I’ve bought my son a huge wooden horse for Christmas.

I got it from ‘Troys R Us.’

Why did the snowman smile?
Because the snowblower was coming

I am frustrated than a dragon trying to blow out candles.

I think they picked me for my motivational skills. Everyone always says they have to work twice as hard when I’m around!

They’re always telling me to live my dreams. But I don’t want to be naked in an exam I haven’t revised for!

Have I told you this deja vu joke before?

The funeral for the man who invented Chinese whispers will be held on Monday. Pass it on.

I’m going on a blind date tonight. I hope our Labradors get on.

What’s the difference between a golfer and a skydiver? A golfer goes *whack* “damn” and a skydiver goes “damn” *whack*

As soon as the hospital made me put on one of those little gowns, I knew the end was in sight

I got into a fight with my boner this morning. Don’t worry, I beat it single handedly

I used to be in a band, we were called ‘lost dog’. You probably saw our posters.

What do you call a mind reader who can’t read minds? A telepathetic.

I’m addicted to brake fluid but I can stop whenever I want

I don’t get people who stumble into mirrors. They need to watch themselves.

I imagine a handshake means something completely different to a cannibal.

Why don’t flies go to church?
Because they’re in sects

Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
-Librarians arguing