What is the first thing Santa’s elves have to learn?
The Elfabet

People are making end of the world jokes like there is no tomorrow.

The sex was so good that even the neighbors had a cigarette.

Whenever I pass someone texting and driving, I throw my beer at their window

My friend recently got crushed by a pile of books, but he’s only got his shelf to blame.

I recently got a new Korean mechanic but it’s hard to understand him – he speaks with a Hyundai Accent!

What do people wear in a trench? Trench coats.

Which dinosaur knew the most words?
The thesaurus.

Arguing with my wife is like reading the software licencing agreement. In the end, you ignore everything and click “I agree”.

What do you call a gay milkman? A Dairy Queen

Queue is just Q followed by four silent letters waiting their turn

I went on a once in a lifetime holiday. Never again.

Two birds are sitting on a perch and one says “Do you smell fish?”

My wife is complaining that I never buy her jewellery. To be fair, I didn’t even know she sold jewellery.

A bear walked into a bar and says, “I’ll have a beer……and some of those peanuts.” The bartender says, “Why the big pause?”

I don’t mind kids playing hopscotch in most places, but my driveway is where I draw the line.

I, for one, like Roman numerals

I just realised that I haven’t done the hokey pokey in over 10 years. I guess when you get older, you just forget what it’s all about.

I can totally keep secrets. It’s the people I tell them to that can’t.