Someone threw a bottle of Omega-3 pills at me. Luckily, my injuries were only super fish oil.

Why do chemists like nitrates so much?
They’re cheaper than day rates.

Why do blondes tip-toe past medicine cabinets?
So they don’t wake up the sleeping pills

I don’t need a hot tub. I prefer a mildly attractive tub with a great sense of humor and a good job

What do you call a potato wearing glasses?
A spectater

So after I won the game for our team I decided to throw the ball into the crowd like they do on T.V.
Apparently, that’s a no-no in bowling.

I’ve accidentally swallowed some Scrabble tiles. My next crap could spell disaster.

Age is just the number of hours I’m hungover for.

Yesterday, I fell down from a 10 meter ladder. Thank God I was on the third step.

Build a man a fire, and he’ll be warm for a day. Set a man on fire, and he’ll be warm for the rest of his life.

Prison may be just one word. But to some, it’s a whole sentence.

I may not be getting lucky tonight, but I’m definitely banging my snooze button in the morning.

I’ve recently quit my job as a butler.

I refuse to be ordered around in that manor.

30 seconds left on the microwave.
Women: set table, pour drinks, tweet, talk on the phone.
Men: do the space shuttle countdown.

My dad said, always leave them wanting more.
Ironically, that’s how he lost his job in disaster relief.

I applied for a government job but accidentally sent the wrong resume. This early display of incompetence should work in my favour.

My kids have been throwing Scrabble tiles at each other again.

it’s all fun and games until someone loses an i.

Queue is just Q followed by four silent letters waiting their turn

Thank you student loans for getting me through university. I don’t think I could ever repay you