Where does Buzz Lightyear go furniture shopping at? Bed, Bath, and BEYOND!

How was Rome split in two?
With a pair of Caesars

I used to have a job at a calendar factory but I got the sack because I took a couple of days off

I miss my umbilical cord. Must have grown attached to it

What nationality is Santa Claus? North Polish

How can you spot the blind guy at the nudist colony? It’s not hard.

I work in a library. Literally, all we do is judge books by their covers.

Arguing with my wife is like reading the software licencing agreement. In the end, you ignore everything and click “I agree”.

I married Miss Right. I just didn’t know her first name was Always.

What does a panda ghost eat? Bam-BOO!

They’re always telling me to live my dreams. But I don’t want to be naked in an exam I haven’t revised for!

And the best neckwear award goes to…
Oh wait. It’s a tie.

Do not argue with an idiot. They will drag you down to their level and beat you with experience.

What kind of train eats a lot?
A chew chew train

What do you call an Amish guy with his hand up a horse’s butt?
A mechanic!

A philosopher says to a linguist “What if, instead of periods, women had apostrophes?”

The linguist replied, “They’d be more possessive and have more frequent contractions.”

How did the farmer find his wife?

He tractor down.

Women sometimes make fools of men, but most guys are the do-it-yourself type.

If you lose your hearing, is it ear replaceable?

A guy just threw milk at me… How dairy?!