Someone threw cheese at me.
Real mature!

You can’t run through a camping ground. You can only ran, because it’s past tents

I would give my right arm to be ambidextrous!

How do you drown a hipster?
Throw him into the mainstream

What nationality is Santa Claus? North Polish

I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn’t find any.

How Long is a Chinese man’s name.

No, it actually is.

Two peanuts walked down the street. One of them was a salted

My speech today will be like a mini-skirt. Long enough to cover the essentials but short enough to hold your attention!

Why did the Mexican take xanax?
For Hispanic attacks

My dad used to be a human cannonball in the circus. They’ve never found another man of his caliber

I told my wife she drew her eyebrows on too high. She looked surprised.

I always take life with a grain of salt, …plus a slice of lemon, …and a shot of tequila.

Why do blondes tip-toe past medicine cabinets?
So they don’t wake up the sleeping pills

My wife told me “Sex is better on holiday”.
Worst postcard ever.

A Chinese kid was born before the due date.
Parents named him Sudden Lee.

Accidentally fell asleep smoking an e cigarette. When I woke up, the whole house was on the Internet

The rotation of earth really makes my day.