Hung a picture up on the wall the other day. Nailed it.

I can only tell you a bad chemistry joke because all the good ones Argon

I ordered 2000 lbs. of chinese soup.
It was Won Ton.

What do you call a fish with no eyes?
A fsh

I dreamt I was swimming in an orange ocean last night. It was just a Fanta sea

I dreamt I wrote the Hobbit the other night. I think I was Tolkien in my sleep.

Where does seaweed look for a job?
in the kelp-wanted ads

I never wanted to believe that my Dad was stealing from his job as a road worker. But when I got home, all the signs were there.

My wife told me she thought we’d have less arguments if I wasn’t so pedantic.

I told her ‘I think you mean fewer’.

A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says, “A beer please, and one for the road.”

My wife isn’t talking to me because apparently I ruined her birthday.
I’m not sure how I did that – I didn’t even know it was her birthday

I was addicted to the hokey pokey but i turned myself around

Is google a woman? Because it won’t let you finish your sentence without coming up with other suggestions.

Last night me and my wife watched three DVDs back to back. Luckily I was the one facing the TV.

What do you call an academically successful slice of bread? An honor roll.

What’s Michael Jackson’s favourite painting?
Sha-Mona Lisa

Shouldn’t pregnant women be called body builders?