I mean – I appreciate that my friends are doing their best to cheer me up after my diagnosis, but I’ve heard so many cancer jokes today – if I get to hear just tumor I’ll really get mad.

Sheepdog: All 50 sheep are accounted for, boss.
Farmer: But I only had 49?
Sheepdog: Yeah I know. I rounded them up.

When I was a child my father attacked me with cameras.
I still have flashbacks

Did you hear about the kidnapping at school? It’s fine, he woke up

What religion are baby cows? Calf-lic.

1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. There are 5 people in my family, so it must be one of them. It’s either my mum or my dad. Or my older brother Colin. Or my younger brother Ho-Cha-Chu. But I think it’s Colin.

What do you call a belt with a watch on it?
A waist of time

I bought some shoes from a drug dealer. I don’t know what he laced them with, but I’ve been tripping all day.

The only dates I get these days are software updates

Pick up line: “Are you a beaver because damn!”

I like to imagine the guy who invented the umbrella was going to call it the ‘brella’. But he hesitated.

It’s a good thing farts aren’t contagious like yawns

3 people having sex is a threesome, 2 is a twosome. So next time someone calls you ‘handsome’, don’t take it as a compliment!

I got into a fight with my boner this morning. Don’t worry, I beat it single handedly

This guy just had a dangerous mole removed from the end of his penis. Definitely won’t be shagging one of those again

My friend recently got crushed by a pile of books, but he’s only got his shelf to blame.

A philosopher says to a linguist “What if, instead of periods, women had apostrophes?”

The linguist replied, “They’d be more possessive and have more frequent contractions.”

I just read a book about Stockholm syndrome. It was pretty bad at first but by the end I kinda liked it

Who is the best king fu vegetable?
Brocc Lee