I don’t know if I just got hit by freezing rain, but it hurt like hail.


I was hooked on auctions after only going once… going twice.


I’m hosting a marathon for people with chronic diarrhea. It’s a run for the runs


I wasn’t particularly close to my dad before he died…
Which was lucky, because he trod on a landmine.


If you could rehydrate those raisins, that’d be grapes.


What does it take to make an octopus laugh?
Ten tickles


I joined a dyslexic poetry club. At our first meeting I made a vase and an ashtray.


Someone says to his friend: “I bought a cat” And the other: “You have to be kitten me!”


I just read a book about Stockholm syndrome. It was pretty bad at first but by the end I kinda liked it


I couldn’t work out how to fasten my seatbelt. Then it clicked.


I just wrote a book on reverse psychology. Do *not* read it!


So this guy with a premature ejaculation problem comes out of nowhere


Murphy’s law states anything that can go wrong will go wrong, but have you heard of Cole’s law? It’s finely sliced cabbage.


I bet the butcher $50 that he couldn’t reach the meat off the top shelf. He said, “No, the steaks are too high.”


When I get naked in the bathroom, the shower usually gets turned on.


When I heard that they’d found a cure for dyslexia, it was like music to my arse.

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