I really hate those people who knock at your door and tell you how you need to be ‘saved’ or you’ll ‘burn.’
Stupid firemen.

I don’t mind kids playing hopscotch in most places, but my driveway is where I draw the line.

I would give my right arm to be ambidextrous!

My budgie broke his leg so I made him a tiny splint out of a couple of matches. His little face lit up when he tried to walk.

My dad used to be a human cannonball in the circus. They’ve never found another man of his caliber

I, for one, like Roman numerals

A bartender walks into a church, a temple and a mosque. He has no idea how jokes work.

What’s the importance of capitalization? You can either help your Uncle Jack off a horse or help your uncle jack off a horse

An African-American guy and a Mexican guy opened a restaurant. It’s called Nacho Mama.

I’m pretty sober.
But I’m prettier drunk

LSD causes users to lose weight. Obviously you can’t eat when a dragon is guarding the fridge

I’d like to thank the girl with no sports bra who ran with me through the last few miles of yesterday’s marathon.

Your lack of support got me through

What do you call a snobbish prisoner going down the stairs?
A condescending con descending

Two peanuts walked down the street. One of them was a salted

Why do blonde girls walk in groups of odd numbers? Because they can’t even!

The plumber told me a hole boring story about pipes.

My mate’s sex change operation from male to female went very well.
They did such a good job he’s still trying to reverse out of the hospital car park.

I hate gravity, it always gets me down