What do you call a guy covered in leaves?
Russell

What do you call an Asian lady with one leg?
Irene

I did a theatrical performance on puns.
It was a play on words.

What do you call a potato wearing glasses?
A spectater

I Renamed my iPod The Titanic, so when I plug it in, it says, “The Titanic is syncing”

A Chinese couple had a black baby and named it SumTing Wong.

LSD causes users to lose weight. Obviously you can’t eat when a dragon is guarding the fridge

Queue is just Q followed by four silent letters waiting their turn

Claustrophobic people are more productive thinking out of the box.

Happy 3 week anniversary to the 26 browser tabs I have open.

My wife says I’m too impulsive. But what the hell does she know? She only met me yesterday.

What did the NSA analyst say to his co-worker when their female colleague walked past?
“I’d tap that”

What does Batman put in his drink?

Just Ice

Why do chemists like nitrates so much?
They’re cheaper than day rates.

The sex was so good that even the neighbors had a cigarette.

Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocaine during a root canal? His goal: transcend dental medication

I think they picked me for my motivational skills. Everyone always says they have to work twice as hard when I’m around!

What’s the leading cause of dry skin? Towels

What’s the difference between a joke and a rhetorical question?

My wife left me because I sold her wheelchair. I knew she’d come crawling back