What happened to the cannibal that was late to dinner?
He was given the cold shoulder


What kind of prize do you give someone who hasn’t moved a muscle in over a year?


Adult: Someone who has stopped growing at both ends and now grows in the middle.


My grandfather has the heart of a lion.
And a lifetime ban from the zoo


What do you call a parade of rabbits hopping backwards?
A receding hare-line


Just found the worst page in the entire dictionary. What I saw was disgraceful, disgusting, dishonest, and disingenuous.


Where does seaweed look for a job?
in the kelp-wanted ads


There are so many scams on the Internet these days…. but for $19.95 I can show you how to avoid them.


I should have been sad when my flashlight batteries died, but I was delighted.


My wife screamed “Ugh you haven’t heard a word I said, have you!?”
What a strange way to start a conversation


Two soldiers are in a tank.
One looks at the other and says “BLUBLUBBLUBLUBBLUB”


Did you hear about the cheese factory that exploded in France? There was nothing left but de Brie.


I really hate those people who knock at your door and tell you how you need to be ‘saved’ or you’ll ‘burn.’
Stupid firemen.


How do mathematicians scold their children?

“If I’ve told you n times, I’ve told you n+1 times …”


Arriving to meet a blind date:
Her: OMG! You actually wore pyjamas on a first date?
Me: Hang on a minute, you’re not blind!!


My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance. We’ll see about that.


Two blondes are facing each other across a wide stream.
One yells to the other, ‘How do you get to the other side?’
The other blonde replies, ‘You are on the other side!’

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