I bought some shoes from a drug dealer. I don’t know what he laced them with, but I’ve been tripping all day.

A jumper cable walked into a bar, the bartender said “I’ll serve you, but don’t start anything!”

Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can’t have your kayak and heat it too.

What do you do with a dead chemist? You barium

It’s better to have a bottle in front of me, than a frontal lobotomy.

Why was the thermometer smarter than the graduated cylinder?
He had more degrees

What do you call a guy covered in leaves?
Russell

Why couldn’t the toilet paper cross the road?
It got stuck in a crack

What do you call a man with no arms and no legs lying in your fireplace?
Bernie

When an employment application asks who is to be notified in case of emergency, I always write, “A very good doctor”

Our vet is great. If you take your dog in and you have pet insurance, they give you a courtesy dog for the day.

My wife said that if I don’t get off my computer and do the dishes she’ll slam my head on the keyboard, but I think she’s jokinfjreoiwjrtwe4to8rkljreun8f4ny84c8y4t58lym4wthylmhawt4mylt4amlathnatyn

When I was a child my father attacked me with cameras.
I still have flashbacks

What do you call a king’s fart?
Noble gas.

I don’t get people who stumble into mirrors. They need to watch themselves.

How did the hipster burn his tongue?
He drank his coffee before it was cool

Face is a four letter word. But preface is a foreword letter.

Why did the scarecrow win an award? Because he was outstanding in his field.

What’s the difference between an oral thermometer and a rectal thermometer? The taste