Sometimes I tuck my knees into my chest and lean forward. That’s just how I roll.

Why did Barbie never get pregnant?
Because Ken always came in another box.

I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather.
not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.

As I said before, I never repeat myself.

I had a dream last night that I was a muffler. I woke up exhausted.

Hedgehogs — why can’t they just share the hedge

What do squirrels give for Valentine’s Day? Forget-me-nuts.

I got banned from a secret cooking society for spilling the beans

Smoking will give you cancer.
Eating bacon will you give you cancer.
But for some reason, smoking bacon will cure it.

Someone told me my clothes looked gay..
They did come out of the closet this morning.

My friend recently got crushed by a pile of books, but he’s only got his shelf to blame.

If two vegans have an argument is it still beef?

A Chinese couple had a black baby and named it SumTing Wong.

How do you drown a hipster?
Throw him into the mainstream

It’d be frustrating if you seriously couldn’t find your friend Marco at a crowded swimming pool.

Why should you never trust a train?
They have loco motives

I broke a can opener. It’s a can’t opener now.

When does a sandwich cook?
When it’s bakin lettuce and tomato