Someone says to his friend: “I bought a cat” And the other: “You have to be kitten me!”

A friend of mine tried to annoy me with bird puns, but I soon realized that toucan play at that game.

My budgie broke his leg so I made him a tiny splint out of a couple of matches. His little face lit up when he tried to walk.

I just deleted all the German names off my phone. It’s Hans free

It’s Jamaican hair style day at work tomorrow. I’m already dreading it.

What’s the difference between a well dressed man on a bike and a poorly dressed man on a unicycle?

Attire

I really hate those people who knock at your door and tell you how you need to be ‘saved’ or you’ll ‘burn.’
Stupid firemen.

My boss told me I intimidate my coworkers so I just stared at him until he apologised

Today a girl said she recognized me from vegetarian club, but I’m sure I’ve never met herbivore.

So this bloke just came up to me & said i’ve just spilt my scrabble set on the road. I asked “Whats the word on the street?”

Have you heard about the restaurant on the moon?
Great food, no atmosphere.

I was mugged by an acupuncturist yesterday – the mongrel stabbed me 236 times.
Mind you, when I woke up this morning I felt amazing.

I’m in awe. My buddy just used a snail as a key to start up his sedan…

It made escargot.

I quit my job at the helium gas factory, I refuse to be talked to in that tone of voice!

My tailor is happy to make a pair of pants for me, or at least sew it seams.

People are making end of the world jokes like there is no tomorrow.

Waking up this morning was an eye-opening experience

What do you call a pastry with diamonds? A stud muffin