#793

I couldn’t get in to the library last night.
It was over booked.

#81

One day I was at a park wondering why does a frisbee keep looking bigger the closer it gets to you. Then it hit me

#602

When my girlfriend said she was leaving because of my obsession with the Monkees, I didn’t believe her. And then I saw her face

#86

My honey farmer friend has a thing for big butts. I suppose Booty is in the eye of the bee-holder.

#475

I hate when people use words without knowing the meaning… gives me a huge hysterectomy on the side of my head.

#748

It’s better to have a bottle in front of me, than a frontal lobotomy.

#633

For a short while, my uncle was a world famous chainsaw juggler. But not for being good at it. I miss uncle Stump.

#100

Relationships between men and women is psychological.
She is psycho and he is logical.

#278

A naked man broke into a church. The police chased him around and finally caught him by the organ.

#272

Yo mamma is so fat that when she sat on a laptop, the hardware turned into software!

#883

I don’t get people who stumble into mirrors. They need to watch themselves.

#415

I went to a busy pub last night dressed as a tennis ball.
I got served straight away.

#131

I’ve just found out one of my mates works as a mime artist. He’s kept that quiet.

#202

A termite walks into a bar and says “where’s the bar tender”

#493

I got fired from my job as a chef for stealing kitchen equipment. It’s a whisk I was willing to take.

#835

I said to a mate, β€œWhat’s your pet hate?”
He said, β€œHe doesn’t like it when the vet puts a thermometer up his butt”.

#641

My wife’s mad because I paid for my dope out of our joint account. I thought that was why we had it.

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