#865

What happened to the cannibal that was late to dinner?
He was given the cold shoulder

#195

What kind of prize do you give someone who hasn’t moved a muscle in over a year?
Atrophy.

#619

Adult: Someone who has stopped growing at both ends and now grows in the middle.

#700

My grandfather has the heart of a lion.
And a lifetime ban from the zoo

#580

What do you call a parade of rabbits hopping backwards?
A receding hare-line

#519

Just found the worst page in the entire dictionary. What I saw was disgraceful, disgusting, dishonest, and disingenuous.

#650

Where does seaweed look for a job?
in the kelp-wanted ads

#599

There are so many scams on the Internet these days…. but for $19.95 I can show you how to avoid them.

#852

I should have been sad when my flashlight batteries died, but I was delighted.

#792

My wife screamed “Ugh you haven’t heard a word I said, have you!?”
What a strange way to start a conversation

#352

Two soldiers are in a tank.
One looks at the other and says “BLUBLUBBLUBLUBBLUB”

#349

Did you hear about the cheese factory that exploded in France? There was nothing left but de Brie.

#710

I really hate those people who knock at your door and tell you how you need to be ‘saved’ or you’ll ‘burn.’
Stupid firemen.

#551

How do mathematicians scold their children?

“If I’ve told you n times, I’ve told you n+1 times …”

#838

Arriving to meet a blind date:
Her: OMG! You actually wore pyjamas on a first date?
Me: Hang on a minute, you’re not blind!!

#406

My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance. We’ll see about that.

#511

Two blondes are facing each other across a wide stream.
One yells to the other, ‘How do you get to the other side?’
The other blonde replies, ‘You are on the other side!’

Back to top