I gave Stevie wonder a cheese grater for his birthday. He said it was the most violent book he’s ever read.

Jokes about German sausage are the wurst.

The Lord of the Rings is basically about a group that spends nine hours returning jewellery

I don’t need a hot tub. I prefer a mildly attractive tub with a great sense of humor and a good job

My cross-eyed wife and I just got a divorce. We didn’t see eye to eye. I also found out she was seeing someone on the side.

In any argument, a wife has the last word. Anything the husband says after that last word is the beginning of a new argument.

I’m in awe. My buddy just used a snail as a key to start up his sedan…

It made escargot.

1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. There are 5 people in my family, so it must be one of them. It’s either my mum or my dad. Or my older brother Colin. Or my younger brother Ho-Cha-Chu. But I think it’s Colin.

I told my wife she drew her eyebrows on too high. She looked surprised.

I was mugged by an acupuncturist yesterday – the mongrel stabbed me 236 times.
Mind you, when I woke up this morning I felt amazing.

What do you call a fly with no wings?
A walk

What cheese can never be yours? Nacho cheese

I met my wife at an Arthritis support meeting.
You know when two people just click.

What do you call a guy covered in leaves?
Russell

Whenever I pass someone texting and driving, I throw my beer at their window

What do you call a parade of rabbits hopping backwards?
A receding hare-line

When Jay-Z got engaged, did he call her his Feyonce?

“Whenever we drive past a graveyard my dad says, ‘Do you know why I can’t be buried there?’ And we all say, ‘Why not?’ And he says, ‘Because I’m not dead yet!’”

As soon as the hospital made me put on one of those little gowns, I knew the end was in sight

Thieves had broken into my house and stolen everything except my soap, shower gel, towels and deodorant.
Dirty Bastards.