Counting in binary is as easy as 01 10 11

Even when I’m really tired I refuse to take naps during the day. My wife says I’m resisting a rest.

I’m here for whatever you need me to do… from the couch.

Puts the car into reverse.
“Ah, this takes me back”

What do you call a king’s fart?
Noble gas.

For a period, Houdini used a trap door in every single show he did…I guess you could say it was a stage he was going through

Woke up on the ground last night, must have fell asleep​.

What kind of exercise do lazy people do? Diddly-squats.

What do you call a man with no arms or legs hanging on the wall?
Art

I went to a zoo in China last month, all they had in it was a small fluffy dog.
It was a Shitzu.

I’m not a fan of the new pound coin, but then again, I hate all change.

Why did the birdie go to the hospital? He needed a tweetment

If canola oil comes from canola, where does baby oil come from?

I didn’t like my beard at first but then it grew on me.

The soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray was a seasoned veteran

What do you call a number that can’t keep still?
A roamin’ numeral

You’re not drunk if you can lie on the floor without holding on.

I bought a dog off a blacksmith today.
As soon as I got it home it made a bolt for the door.