An opinion without 3.14159 is just an onion.

I dreamt I was swimming in an orange ocean last night. It was just a Fanta sea

I broke a can opener. It’s a can’t opener now.

It puzzles me that a bra is singular and panties are plural.

What do you call a guy with a car on his head?
Jack

What do ducks wear to weddings? Duxedos

Build a man a fire, and he’ll be warm for a day. Set a man on fire, and he’ll be warm for the rest of his life.

I got a sext from a redhead: “I’m all alone. Come over. Bring protection.” I took SPF50.

This guy said to me: “I’m gonna attack you with the neck of my guitar.” I said: “Is that a fret?”

Times New Roman walks into a bar. The barman says “Get out of here! We don’t serve your type.”

RIP boiled water. You will be mist.

Tennis players grunt too much when they play.
There’s no need for all that racquet

A bear walked into a bar and says, “I’ll have a beer……and some of those peanuts.” The bartender says, “Why the big pause?”

Currently the flower business is blooming.

I gave Stevie wonder a cheese grater for his birthday. He said it was the most violent book he’s ever read.

What religion are baby cows? Calf-lic.

What cheese can never be yours? Nacho cheese

I hate peer pressure and you should too.

A guy walks into a bar and orders a fruit punch.
Bartender says “Pal, if you want a punch you’ll have to stand in line”. The guy looks around, but there is no punch line.