If you’re here for the yodeling lesson, please form an orderly orderly orderly orderly queue.

A philosopher says to a linguist “What if, instead of periods, women had apostrophes?”

The linguist replied, “They’d be more possessive and have more frequent contractions.”

I am frustrated than a dragon trying to blow out candles.

I got into a fight with my boner this morning. Don’t worry, I beat it single handedly

Waitress: ‘Do u have any questions about the menu?’ Me: ‘What kind of font is this?’

What do you call dental x-rays?
Tooth pics

My wife says I’m too impulsive. But what the hell does she know? She only met me yesterday.

“It’s a boy!” I shouted, tears rolling down my face. “I don’t believe it. A boy!” And at that moment I decided I’d never visit Thailand again.

LSD causes users to lose weight. Obviously you can’t eat when a dragon is guarding the fridge

I was thinking about getting a brain transplant, but then I changed my mind

Me: Mmm, you’ve dimmed the lights. I like where this is going.
Optometrist: Just read the letters on the screen.

Why can’t you hear a pterodactyl in the toilet? Because it has a silent p

I knew a guy who collected candy canes, they were all in mint condition.

My deaf girlfriend was talking in her sleep last night. She nearly took my eye out.

Have you heard about the restaurant on the moon?
Great food, no atmosphere.

I had amnesia once – maybe twice.

Broken Guitar for sale.
No strings attached

My jokes are still in alpha

Hopefully soon they’ll get beta

RIP boiled water. You will be mist.