My cats gonna sh** when he sees his new litter box I got him for Christmas.

How do you count cows? With a cowculater.

A handicapped guy stole my wallet.
He can hide but he can’t run

My ex-wife is standing at the opposite end of the museum from me. I want to say hello but there’s just too much history between us.

A lot of people are afraid of heights. Not me, I’m afraid of widths.

What kind of exercise do lazy people do? Diddly-squats.

What do you call a king’s fart?
Noble gas.

What did the blanket say as it fell of the bed?
Oh sheet

Relationships are a lot like algebra. Have you ever thought about your X and wondered Y?

I got a sext from a redhead: “I’m all alone. Come over. Bring protection.” I took SPF50.

My party trick is swallowing two peices of string and an hour later they come out of my arse tied together. I shit you knot.

I hate peer pressure and you should too.

I gave all my dead batteries away today…
free of charge

What did one lumber jack say to another lumber jack?
“I need to axe you a question”

My friend David lost his ID.

So now I call him Dav.

My jokes are still in alpha

Hopefully soon they’ll get beta

How do you get a man with only one arm out of a tree? Wave.

What do you call a pastry with diamonds? A stud muffin

Apparently I snore so loudly that it scares everyone in the car I’m driving

A bartender walks into a church, a temple and a mosque. He has no idea how jokes work.