I broke a can opener. It’s a can’t opener now.

When clowns divorce there’s often a custardy battle

I have a stepladder. Because my real ladder left when I was a kid

Who is the best king fu vegetable?
Brocc Lee

I heard there was a new store called Moderation. They have everything there

I have a fear of speed bumps, but I’m slowly getting over it

Did you know that Snoop Dogg’s sister is a stripper?
She wears nothing but a g-string baby

What’s orange and sounds like a parrot?
A carrot

I’m having an introvert party and you’re all not invited.

You know what often gets overlooked? Fences.

Waking up this morning was an eye-opening experience

Say what you want about deaf people…

When life gives you melons, you’re probably dyslexic.

Don’t you hate it when someone answers their own questions? I do.

PMS should just be called ovary-acting

What do you call a cow with no legs?
Ground beef

Why did the scarecrow win an award? Because he was outstanding in his field.

I met a one-legged woman outside of a club the other day. She was a bouncer.