What type of bears live in the north and south poles?
Bi-polar

My wife just broke up with me for talking about video games too much, what a stupid thing to Fallout 4

Just got sacked from my job as a dishwasher. I kept putting the plates and bowls in the wrong order. The boss reckons I am dishlexic.

What happened to the cannibal that was late to dinner?
He was given the cold shoulder

The soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray was a seasoned veteran

Heard about the new restaurant called Karma?
There’s no menu – you get what you deserve

So this guy with a premature ejaculation problem comes out of nowhere

A hole was found in the wall of a nudist camp. The police are looking into it.

A man is being arrested by a female police officer, who informs him, “Anything you say can and will be held against you.” The man replies, “Boobs!”

If you lose your hearing, is it ear replaceable?

Police are looking for a guy who threatens his victims with a lit match.
They need to catch him before he strikes again

What do you call a potato wearing glasses?
A spectater

A guy goes to a doctor because he’s got a strawberry growing out of his chest. The doctor looks and examines and finally says, “Let me give you some cream to put on it.”

Dogs can’t operate MRI machines… but catscan

Why did the mobile phone need glasses?
It lost all its contacts

Wanna hear a potassium joke?
K

Doesn’t expecting the unexpected make the unexpected become the expected?