An opinion without 3.14159 is just an onion.

My grandfather has the heart of a lion.
And a lifetime ban from the zoo

Someone told me my clothes looked gay..
They did come out of the closet this morning.

My wife says I’m immature. I told her to get out of my fort

My friend recently got crushed by a pile of books, but he’s only got his shelf to blame.

Deja Moo – the feeling that you’ve heard this bull before

Took my dog to a bonfire and as he sat there staring at it blankly I realised he loves sticks. I was burning a giant pile of his toys.

What do you call a bee that lives in America? A USB

Why can’t you take inventory in Afghanistan?
Because of the tally ban

What do you call an alligator wearing a vest? An investigator.

When my blonde neighbour asked me if I knew about items missing from her clothesline I nearly wet her pants.

Celine Dion walks into a bar. The bartender says, “Those long face jokes are so mean. Let me buy you a drink”

Prison may be just one word. But to some, it’s a whole sentence.

The future, the present and the past walked into a bar. Things got a little tense.

A courtroom artist was arrested today for an unknown reason… details are sketchy.

My wife was in labor with our first child when suddenly she began to shout, “Shouldn’t, couldn’t, wouldn’t, didn’t, can’t!”

“Doc, what’s wrong with my wife?” I asked.

“Nothing” he said. “She’s just having contractions.”

One of the elves left the North Pole to join a gang and sell drugs.
He’s a rebel without a Claus

I, for one, like Roman numerals

How did the farmer find his wife?

He tractor down.