#61
I was thinking about getting a brain transplant, but then I changed my mind
#161
What do you call an artist with a brown finger? Picassole
#877
A giraffe walks into a bar and says, “The highballs are on me.”
#892
Why didn’t the vampire attack Taylor Swift?
She had Bad Blood
#879
A grasshopper walks into a bar. The bartender says “Hey, we have a drink named after you.” The grasshopper says “You have a drink named Steve?”
#740
A flashlight is a case for holding dead batteries.
#248
What do you call an alligator wearing a vest? An investigator.
#589
Nobody’s perfect. I’m a nobody.
#129
My ex-wife is standing at the opposite end of the museum from me. I want to say hello but there’s just too much history between us.
#392
What did the electrician say when he got shocked?
That hertz.
#830
I spent all day yesterday floating out in the bay.
It’s been my dream ever since I was a little buoy.
#400
My girlfriend left me because she couldn’t handle my OCD. I told her to close the door five times on her way out.
#800
I’d tell you a joke about crops, but it’s a bit corny.
#746
I lost my job at the bank on my very first day. A woman asked me to check her balance, so I pushed her over.
#140
When my blonde neighbour asked me if I knew about items missing from her clothesline I nearly wet her pants.
#200
Don’t fart in an apple store, there’s no windows!
#792
My wife screamed “Ugh you haven’t heard a word I said, have you!?”
What a strange way to start a conversation
#9
How did the hipster burn his tongue?
He drank his coffee before it was cool
#420
I wasn’t happy with my sons school report. He said okay. I said I want more A’s. He said okaaaaaaaay
#660
I just read a book about Stockholm syndrome. It was pretty bad at first but by the end I kinda liked it