Two dyslexics walk into a bra…

Which dinosaur knew the most words?
The thesaurus.

What is the difference between ignorance and apathy? I don’t know, and I don’t care.

“No, thanks. I’m a vegetarian.” is a fun thing to say when someone hands you their baby.

What do you call Watson when Sherlock isn’t around? Holmeless.

What’s the difference between an oral thermometer and a rectal thermometer? The taste

I had amnesia once – maybe twice.

What does Kim Kardashian use to fix holes?

Sex tape

So this guy with a premature ejaculation problem comes out of nowhere

Why do husbands die before their wives? They want to.

You know it’s cold outside when you go outside and its cold

My wife is complaining that I never buy her jewellery. To be fair, I didn’t even know she sold jewellery.

Did you hear about the butcher who backed up into the meat grinder? He got a little behind in his work.

What does a baby computer call his dad?
Data

I saw an ad for burial plots, and thought to myself this is the last thing I need.

The soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray was a seasoned veteran

I had a dream last night that I was a muffler. I woke up exhausted.

When a deaf person sees someone yawn do they think it’s a scream?