Dogs can’t operate MRI machines… but catscan

People are making end of the world jokes like there is no tomorrow.

Shout out to my grandma…
That’s the only way she can hear

My tailor is happy to make a pair of pants for me, or at least sew it seams.

I don’t mind kids playing hopscotch in most places, but my driveway is where I draw the line.

I’ve decided to sell my Hoover … well, it was just collecting dust

At breakfast this morning, my wife said she’s leaving me because of my obsession with Twitter.

I almost choked on my #Brown.

I told my doctor that I broke my arm in two places. He told me to stop going to those places.

A termite walks into a bar and says “where’s the bar tender”

My wife is complaining that I never buy her jewellery. To be fair, I didn’t even know she sold jewellery.

I felt so bad today…I saw this sad dog without a tail. Luckily, his owner was taking him to the retail store.

Why did the pig stop sunbathing? He was bacon in the heat

I wonder how many chameleons snuck onto Noah’s Ark

A woman’s mind is cleaner than a man’s: She changes it more often.

My wife told me “Sex is better on holiday”.
Worst postcard ever.

What’s orange and sounds like a parrot?
A carrot

It’s a good thing farts aren’t contagious like yawns

There are only 10 types of people in the world: those who understand binary and those who don’t

What’s brown and sounds like a bell? Dung!