I don’t think it’s possible for me to become a sniper. Not by a long shot.

This guy said to me: “I’m gonna attack you with the neck of my guitar.” I said: “Is that a fret?”

Two birds are sitting on a perch and one says “Do you smell fish?”

Some cause happiness wherever they go; others whenever they go.

The Man Who Created Autocorrect Has Died. Resturant In Peace.

At an interview:
First question: “Describe yourself in 3 words”
Me: “Not good with numbers”.

Hedgehogs — why can’t they just share the hedge

Can’t believe they fired me from the clock factory after all the extra hours I put in

I used to be a lifeguard, but this blue kid got me fired.

Someone threw cheese at me.
Real mature!

How many Freudians does it take to change a light bulb? Sex.

If you lose your hearing, is it ear replaceable?

My wife told me she was leaving me because I keep pretending to be a Transformer.
I said “No wait, I can change!”

What do you call it when Batman skips church? Christian Bale.

A hungry traveller stops at a monastery and is taken to the kitchens. A brother is frying chips. ‘Are you the friar?’ he asks. ‘No. I’m the chip monk,’ he replies.

A plateau is the highest form of flattery

Why did the Mexican take xanax?
For Hispanic attacks

How many kids with ADHD does it take to change a light bulb?
Let’s go play on our bikes

The funeral for the man who invented Chinese whispers will be held on Monday. Pass it on.