I was mugged by an acupuncturist yesterday – the mongrel stabbed me 236 times.
Mind you, when I woke up this morning I felt amazing.

What do the movies titanic and the sixth sense have in common.
Icy dead people.

Living on earth may be expensive, but it includes an annual free trip around the sun.

Today I saw a golf buggy parked in a disabled bay and thought to myself, “I wonder what his handicap is?”

Do you know why i make puns?
its my respunsibility.

I have a stepladder. Because my real ladder left when I was a kid

It’s a good thing farts aren’t contagious like yawns

My dad was dyslexic. Whenever I swore when growing up, he’d wash my mouth out with soup.

Why didn’t the vampire attack Taylor Swift?
She had Bad Blood

What is invisible and smells like worms?
Bird farts

How do crazy people go through the forest? They take the physco path.

The soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray was a seasoned veteran

As soon as the hospital made me put on one of those little gowns, I knew the end was in sight

Why did the Higgs Boson go to church?
For the mass

1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. There are 5 people in my family, so it must be one of them. It’s either my mum or my dad. Or my older brother Colin. Or my younger brother Ho-Cha-Chu. But I think it’s Colin.

Can a woman make you a millionaire?
Yes, if you’re a billionaire

If canola oil comes from canola, where does baby oil come from?

Why was the computer late for work?
He had a slow, hard drive

Lets have a toast for the bread winners!