Why did the Mexican take xanax?
For Hispanic attacks

People are making end of the world jokes like there is no tomorrow.

Have you heard about the restaurant on the moon?
Great food, no atmosphere.

Once I found out masturbating was an addiction, I just knew that I had no choice but to beat it.

Yo mamma is so fat that when she sat on a laptop, the hardware turned into software!

Did you hear about the cheese factory that exploded in France? There was nothing left but de Brie.

So after I won the game for our team I decided to throw the ball into the crowd like they do on T.V.
Apparently, that’s a no-no in bowling.

Age is just the number of hours I’m hungover for.

There’s a new shaver designed for dyslexics.
It’s the best thing since sliced beard.

Let’s hope the new Jurassic world movie isn’t a train Rex of a film.

I mustache you a question but I’ll Shave it for later

I told my wife she drew her eyebrows on too high. She looked surprised.

What did the sushi say to the bee?
Wasabi

“You haven’t listened to a word I’ve said, have you?” always seems like a strange way for my wife to start a conversation.

I went on a once in a lifetime holiday. Never again.

Two bars walk into a man, LSD is powerful stuff

Why do blondes tip-toe past medicine cabinets?
So they don’t wake up the sleeping pills

Have you heard about corduroy pillows?
They’re making headlines.