I broke my finger last week. On the other hand, I’m okay

The best way to carve wood is whittle by whittle

My neighbour is a stripper and a coeliac which is tough because she can only jump out of certain cakes.

Prison may be just one word. But to some, it’s a whole sentence.

A grasshopper walks into a bar. The bartender says “Hey, we have a drink named after you.” The grasshopper says “You have a drink named Steve?”

Velociraptor = Distance raptor / Time raptor

I was thinking about getting a brain transplant, but then I changed my mind

What did the electrician say when he got shocked?
That hertz.

A joke is like sex. Neither is any good if you don’t get it.

What is the difference between ignorance and apathy? I don’t know, and I don’t care.

What does Kim Kardashian use to fix holes?

Sex tape

My doctor took one look at my gut and refused to believe that I work out. So I listed the exercises I do every day: jump to conclusions, climb the walls, drag my heels, push my luck, make mountains out of molehills, bend over backward, run around in circles, put my foot in my mouth, go over the edge, and beat around the bush.

My speech today will be like a mini-skirt. Long enough to cover the essentials but short enough to hold your attention!

What do you call a bee with a low buzz?
A mumblebee

I work in a library. Literally, all we do is judge books by their covers.

What do you call a guy with his legs cut off at the knees?
Neil

What do you call a fish with no eyes?
A fsh

Why do all of P-Diddy’s kids have nice hair?
Because Sean Combs

I was playing Frisbee with my dog in the park today, but it didn’t go well.
I think I need to get a flatter dog.