How do snakes end a fight?
They hiss and make up

Did you hear about the guy who got hit in the head with a can of soda? He was lucky it was a soft drink.

What’s the worst vegetable to eat on a boat?
Leek

I’ve accidentally swallowed some Scrabble tiles. My next crap could spell disaster.

Age is just the number of hours I’m hungover for.

Is it bad to tell knock knock jokes to homeless people?

This guy said to me: “I’m gonna attack you with the neck of my guitar.” I said: “Is that a fret?”

Doing things that you are not supposed to do at work makes your vision, hearing and alertness much better.

My wife just broke up with me for talking about video games too much, what a stupid thing to Fallout 4

Some cause happiness wherever they go; others whenever they go.

I should have been sad when my flashlight batteries died, but I was delighted.

If procrastionation was an Olympic sport, I’d compete in it later.

A grasshopper walks into a bar. The bartender says “Hey, we have a drink named after you.” The grasshopper says “You have a drink named Steve?”

Your mum is so mean, she has no standard deviation
🤓

I used to be a lifeguard, but this blue kid got me fired.

I’m not passive aggressive. Unlike some people.

Why should you never give Elsa a balloon?
Cause she’ll just let it go