My dad said, always leave them wanting more.
Ironically, that’s how he lost his job in disaster relief.

Did you hear about the theme park ride made entirely out of iron?
It was a ferrous wheel

I’ve just found out one of my mates works as a mime artist. He’s kept that quiet.

I always take life with a grain of salt, …plus a slice of lemon, …and a shot of tequila.

Why is too much alcohol bad for you?

Because that would be too whiskey.

Just burned 2,000 calories. That’s the last time I leave brownies in the oven while I nap.

I hate gravity, it always gets me down

How many south Americans does it take to change a light bulb? A Brazilian

As I said before, I never repeat myself.

I’m going to stand outside, so if anyone asks I’m outstanding.

I Renamed my iPod The Titanic, so when I plug it in, it says, “The Titanic is syncing”

In any argument, a wife has the last word. Anything the husband says after that last word is the beginning of a new argument.

Somebody ripped a whole bunch of pages out of my dictionary. It just goes from bad to worse

I swear to drunk I’m not god but seriously, stay in drugs, eat school and don’t do vegetables

I was ordering birthday cake over phone.
They asked “And what would you like the cake to say?”
I covered phone to ask my wife. “Do we want a talking cake?”

What did the sushi say to the bee?
Wasabi

The seven dwarfs were in the bath feeling happy so he got out.

What did the DNA say to the other DNA?

“Do these genes make me look fat?”

Where do pencils go on vacation? Pencilvania

What do you call a wandering caveman? A meanderthal.