A philosopher says to a linguist “What if, instead of periods, women had apostrophes?”

The linguist replied, “They’d be more possessive and have more frequent contractions.”

A naked man broke into a church. The police chased him around and finally caught him by the organ.

I think they picked me for my motivational skills. Everyone always says they have to work twice as hard when I’m around!

When does a sandwich cook?
When it’s bakin lettuce and tomato

What do you call an academically successful slice of bread? An honor roll.

How do you make holy water? You boil the hell out of it

Scared the postman today by going to the door naked.
I’m not sure what scared him more, my naked body or the fact that I knew where he lived.

What do you call a woman that sets her bills on fire? Bernadette

I miss my umbilical cord. Must have grown attached to it

At any given moment the urge to sing, “The Lion Sleeps Tonight” is just a whim away. A whim away. A whim away.

An African-American guy and a Mexican guy opened a restaurant. It’s called Nacho Mama.

I would give my right arm to be ambidextrous!

I still remember the day the scented candle shop I worked at burned to the ground.

Everyone was so calm…..

I ordered 2000 lbs. of chinese soup.
It was Won Ton.

My wife just broke up with me for talking about video games too much, what a stupid thing to Fallout 4

How do you count cows? With a cowculater.

What did the cow say to her calf?
It’s pasture bed time