My friend just got a job at the zoo, circumcising elephants. The pay isn’t great but he gets huge tips.

My doctor took one look at my gut and refused to believe that I work out. So I listed the exercises I do every day: jump to conclusions, climb the walls, drag my heels, push my luck, make mountains out of molehills, bend over backward, run around in circles, put my foot in my mouth, go over the edge, and beat around the bush.

My boss told me I intimidate my coworkers so I just stared at him until he apologised

I’m not lazy… I’m just on my energy saving mode.

I bet the butcher $50 that he couldn’t reach the meat off the top shelf. He said, “No, the steaks are too high.”

Did you hear about the fire at the shoe factory? It was a real tragedy, 100 soles were lost.

Support bacteria – they’re the only culture some people have.

I was hooked on auctions after only going once… going twice.

How does the solar system hold up its trousers? With an asteroid belt

What do you call a guy with a rabbit up his butt?
Warren

There was a man who entered a local paper’s pun contest.. He sent in ten different puns, in the hope that at least one of the puns would win. Unfortunately, no pun in ten did.

Why can’t you hear a pterodactyl in the toilet? Because it has a silent p

Our cat coughed up furballs all over the carpet. I wouldn’t mind but Furballs was our hamster.

Why do seagulls fly over the sea? Because if they flew over the bay, they’d be called bagels

Why does a chicken coop have 2 doors?

Because if it had 4 doors it would be called chicken sedan.

What’s the difference between an oral thermometer and a rectal thermometer? The taste

What is the difference between ignorance and apathy? I don’t know, and I don’t care.

So this bloke just came up to me & said i’ve just spilt my scrabble set on the road. I asked “Whats the word on the street?”

Don’t you hate it when someone answers their own questions? I do.

I Renamed my iPod The Titanic, so when I plug it in, it says, “The Titanic is syncing”