What’s the difference between mechanical engineers and civil engineers?

Mechanical engineers build weapons. Civil engineers build targets.

How do crazy people go through the forest? They take the physco path.

PMS should just be called ovary-acting

Wanted to tell you a joke about tv controllers but it’s not even remotely funny

I’m the kind of guy who stops the microwave at 1 second just to feel like a bomb defuser.

What do you call a woman with no legs? Nolene

I went on a once in a lifetime holiday. Never again.

What’s the importance of capitalization? You can either help your Uncle Jack off a horse or help your uncle jack off a horse

I’ve recently quit my job as a butler.

I refuse to be ordered around in that manor.

Thieves had broken into my house and stolen everything except my soap, shower gel, towels and deodorant.
Dirty Bastards.

There was a big paddle sale at the boat store.
It was quite an oar deal.

Impotence: Nature’s way of saying “No hard feelings”.

What’s Michael Jackson’s favourite painting?
Sha-Mona Lisa

I married Miss Right. I just didn’t know her first name was Always.

What do you call a magic dog? A Labracadabrador.

I imagine a handshake means something completely different to a cannibal.

I always take life with a grain of salt, …plus a slice of lemon, …and a shot of tequila.

I called the cops about a murder on my front lawn.
They said they couldn’t do anything about crows and to stop calling them.