The Lord of the Rings is basically about a group that spends nine hours returning jewellery

What do bees do with their honey? They cell it.

My wife said I never listen to her. Or something like that.

The Man Who Created Autocorrect Has Died. Resturant In Peace.

As soon as the hospital made me put on one of those little gowns, I knew the end was in sight

I was lonely so I bought some shares. It’s nice to have a bit of company

With sufficient thrust, pigs fly just fine.

What do ducks wear to weddings? Duxedos

I got a photo with R.E.M
That’s me in the corner

I heard that Oxygen and Magnesium got together and I was like… “OMg”

I knew a guy who collected candy canes, they were all in mint condition.

What does Batman put in his drink?

Just Ice

“No, thanks. I’m a vegetarian.” is a fun thing to say when someone hands you their baby.

Living on earth may be expensive, but it includes an annual free trip around the sun.

What’s the difference between a joke and a rhetorical question?

Why did the blonde stare at frozen orange juice can for 2 hours? Because it said ‘concentrate’.

I’m looking for the girl next door type. I’m just gonna keep moving house till I find her.

I used to date a dyslexic girl. Weird girl. I took her home and she cooked my sock.

I was watching a marathon and saw one runner dressed as a chicken and another runner dressed as an egg. I thought: ‘This could be interesting’

How do you fix a broken pumpkin? With a pumpkin patch.