A giraffe walks into a bar and says, “The highballs are on me.”

What do you call a woman standing in the middle of a tennis court?

Anette

Say what you want about deaf people…

I’m hosting a marathon for people with chronic diarrhea. It’s a run for the runs

I once thanked a French guy to death. It was a merci killing.

“No, thanks. I’m a vegetarian.” is a fun thing to say when someone hands you their baby.

For a period, Houdini used a trap door in every single show he did…I guess you could say it was a stage he was going through

It’s bad luck to be superstitious.

If you could rehydrate those raisins, that’d be grapes.

When I think of books, I touch my shelf.

What did the cow say to her calf?
It’s pasture bed time

I have a stepladder. Because my real ladder left when I was a kid

Whoever invented knock knock jokes should get a no bell prize.

What was the demon arrested for?
Possession

My ex-girlfriend still misses me. But her aim is steadily improving.

So after I won the game for our team I decided to throw the ball into the crowd like they do on T.V.
Apparently, that’s a no-no in bowling.

I’m going on a blind date tonight. I hope our Labradors get on.

I called the cops about a murder on my front lawn.
They said they couldn’t do anything about crows and to stop calling them.