Is google a woman? Because it won’t let you finish your sentence without coming up with other suggestions.

I felt so bad today…I saw this sad dog without a tail. Luckily, his owner was taking him to the retail store.

Why did the mobile phone need glasses?
It lost all its contacts

What do you call a lady with one leg?
Eileen

A handicapped guy stole my wallet.
He can hide but he can’t run

An opinion without 3.14159 is just an onion.

What do people wear in a trench? Trench coats.

I like to imagine the guy who invented the umbrella was going to call it the ‘brella’. But he hesitated.

Did you hear about the man who was accidentally buried alive?
It was a grave mistake.

Have you heard about corduroy pillows?
They’re making headlines.

I’m terrified of elevators, and I’m taking steps to avoid them

A giraffe walks into a bar and says, “The highballs are on me.”

I hate those stupid little Russian nesting dolls

they’re so full of themselves

I used to be a carpenter until I accidentally sat on my hammer, now I have hammeroids.

A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says, “A beer please, and one for the road.”

I used to date a dyslexic girl. Weird girl. I took her home and she cooked my sock.

I’m here for whatever you need me to do… from the couch.

Why do all of P-Diddy’s kids have nice hair?
Because Sean Combs