“No, thanks. I’m a vegetarian.” is a fun thing to say when someone hands you their baby.

I was ordering birthday cake over phone.
They asked “And what would you like the cake to say?”
I covered phone to ask my wife. “Do we want a talking cake?”

I heard there was a new store called Moderation. They have everything there

I used to have a job at a calendar factory but I got the sack because I took a couple of days off

How did Darth Vader know what Luke got him for Christmas?
He felt his presents

Why did the chicken go to a séance? To communicate with the other side

I love the F5 key. It´s just so refreshing.

A guy goes to a doctor because he’s got a strawberry growing out of his chest. The doctor looks and examines and finally says, “Let me give you some cream to put on it.”

I met my wife at an Arthritis support meeting.
You know when two people just click.

What’s the difference between a hippo and a Zippo?
One’s really heavy and the other is a little lighter

Becoming a vegetarian was a huge missed steak

A Chinese kid was born before the due date.
Parents named him Sudden Lee.

I lost my job at the bank on my very first day. A woman asked me to check her balance, so I pushed her over.

An English man, an Irish man and an Italian walk into a bar. The bartender says “is this a joke?”

People who sometimes use the wrong words should have the humidity to admit it.

How do snakes end a fight?
They hiss and make up

I did a theatrical performance on puns.
It was a play on words.