Two soldiers are in a tank.
One looks at the other and says “BLUBLUBBLUBLUBBLUB”

A magician walks down an alley and turns into a bar

Did you hear about the houses falling in love? It was a lawn-distance relationship.

As I suspected, someone has been adding soil to my garden..
The plot thickens.

It puzzles me that a bra is singular and panties are plural.

My dad used to be a human cannonball in the circus. They’ve never found another man of his caliber

With sufficient thrust, pigs fly just fine.

I’ve bought my son a huge wooden horse for Christmas.

I got it from ‘Troys R Us.’

I used to think I was indecisive, but now I’m not too sure

What do you call a fake noodle? An Impasta

Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocaine during a root canal? His goal: transcend dental medication

I used to be a carpenter until I accidentally sat on my hammer, now I have hammeroids.

We need a 12-step group for compulsive talkers. They could call it On Anon Anon.

Interviewer: “So how long were you employed in your last job?”
Me: “I’d say my biggest weakness is my listening skills.”

I still remember the day the scented candle shop I worked at burned to the ground.

Everyone was so calm…..

What do you call a guy no arms no legs in the mail box? Bill.

My dad suggested I register for a donor card. He’s a man after my own heart

Hung a picture up on the wall the other day. Nailed it.

My wife told me she thought we’d have less arguments if I wasn’t so pedantic.

I told her ‘I think you mean fewer’.

What do you call a king’s fart?
Noble gas.