There was a snake crossing a highway and a truck ran over its ass. The snake went back to get its ass and a truck ran over its head. The moral of the story is, “Don’t lose your head over a piece of ass.”

A man is being arrested by a female police officer, who informs him, “Anything you say can and will be held against you.” The man replies, “Boobs!”

A small boy swallowed some coins and was taken to a hospital. When his grandmother telephoned to ask how he was a nurse said ‘No change yet’.

What did the cannibal do after dumping his girlfriend? He wiped his bum.

There was a man who entered a local paper’s pun contest.. He sent in ten different puns, in the hope that at least one of the puns would win. Unfortunately, no pun in ten did.

What do people wear in a trench? Trench coats.

Counting in binary is as easy as 01 10 11

What did the tree say to autumn? Leaf me alone.

I was playing Frisbee with my dog in the park today, but it didn’t go well.
I think I need to get a flatter dog.

If tomatoes are technically a fruit, is ketchup technically a smoothie?

Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can’t have your kayak and heat it too.

Do skunks celebrate Valentine’s Day? Sure, they’re very scent-imental!

I used to think I was indecisive, but now I’m not too sure

A handicapped guy stole my wallet.
He can hide but he can’t run

For a period, Houdini used a trap door in every single show he did…I guess you could say it was a stage he was going through

What was Helen Keller’s favourite colour?
Velcro