What’s the leading cause of dry skin? Towels

What do you call a man with no arms or legs hanging on the wall?
Art

Don’t you hate it when someone answers their own questions? I do.

How much did it cost for the pirate to get his ears pierced?.

A buccaneer

I’m pretty sober.
But I’m prettier drunk

Counting in binary is as easy as 01 10 11

Why did the pig stop sunbathing? He was bacon in the heat

What kind of train eats a lot?
A chew chew train

Once I found out masturbating was an addiction, I just knew that I had no choice but to beat it.

A blind man walks into a bar. And a table. And a chair.

My wife said I never listen to her. Or something like that.

A dyslexic devil worshipper sold his soul to Santa

My annual performance review says I lack “passion & intensity”, guess management hasn’t seen me alone with a Big Mac.

I miss my umbilical cord. Must have grown attached to it

I always take life with a grain of salt, …plus a slice of lemon, …and a shot of tequila.

What do you call a king’s fart?
Noble gas.

Adult: Someone who has stopped growing at both ends and now grows in the middle.

“Give me a sentence about a public servant” the teacher instructed her second-grade student.
“The fireman came down the ladder pregnant” he answered.
“Umm … Do you know what pregnant means?”
“Yes” said the boy. “It means carrying a child”

What do dinosaurs pay their bills with?
Tyrannosaurus Cheques