I’m having an introvert party and you’re all not invited.

I heard there was a new store called Moderation. They have everything there

Why did the mobile phone need glasses?
It lost all its contacts

To the optimist, the glass is half full. To the pessimist, the glass is half empty. To the engineer, the glass is twice as big as it needs to be.

Interviewer: “So how long were you employed in your last job?”
Me: “I’d say my biggest weakness is my listening skills.”

I mustache you a question but I’ll Shave it for later

With sufficient thrust, pigs fly just fine.

Last night me and my wife watched three DVDs back to back. Luckily I was the one facing the TV.

Our vet is great. If you take your dog in and you have pet insurance, they give you a courtesy dog for the day.

I tried walking up a hill without a watch but had neither the time nor the inclination.

I bought some shoes from a drug dealer. I don’t know what he laced them with, but I’ve been tripping all day.

My wife isn’t talking to me because apparently I ruined her birthday.
I’m not sure how I did that – I didn’t even know it was her birthday

How does the solar system hold up its trousers? With an asteroid belt

What’s the difference between a golfer and a skydiver? A golfer goes *whack* “damn” and a skydiver goes “damn” *whack*

As I suspected, someone has been adding soil to my garden..
The plot thickens.

I used to be in a band, we were called ‘lost dog’. You probably saw our posters.

I’m looking for the girl next door type. I’m just gonna keep moving house till I find her.

I have a stepladder. Because my real ladder left when I was a kid

My friend dug a hole in the garden and filled it with water. I think he meant well.

I’m here for whatever you need me to do… from the couch.