#249
What kind of exercise do lazy people do? Diddly-squats.
#688
Why is too much alcohol bad for you?
Because that would be too whiskey.
#419
How does a whale defend itself?
With a swordfish
#796
My mate just got fired from the mint factory.
His wife went absolutely menthol
#832
My wife said “Black really is slimming on you, you’ve never looked sexier”.
I said “Turn the light back on”.
#722
What do you call a guy covered in leaves?
Russell
#237
How does the solar system hold up its trousers? With an asteroid belt
#459
I eat my tacos over a Tortilla. That way when stuff falls out, BOOM, another taco.
#118
I’m thinking of selling my John Lennon memorabilia on eBay.
Imagine all the PayPal.
#206
Is it bad to tell knock knock jokes to homeless people?
#578
I’m not lazy… I’m just on my energy saving mode.
#710
I really hate those people who knock at your door and tell you how you need to be ‘saved’ or you’ll ‘burn.’
Stupid firemen.
#847
My friend just got a job at the zoo, circumcising elephants. The pay isn’t great but he gets huge tips.
#112
Me: Go to sleep before the monsters get you.
Daughter: Monsters aren’t real.
Me: You sound like your sister.
Daughter: Sister?
Me: I’ve said too much already…
#482
When an employment application asks who is to be notified in case of emergency, I always write, “A very good doctor”
#342
A man who loves Sherlock Holmes novels and puns names his dog Furlock. One day, he takes his dog out to town with him and stops in a little boutique. He brings his dog in with him and tries on a shirt. To his dismay, it isn’t the right size. He looks at his dog and says “No fit, Furlock.“
#587
Took my dog to a bonfire and as he sat there staring at it blankly I realised he loves sticks. I was burning a giant pile of his toys.
#800
I’d tell you a joke about crops, but it’s a bit corny.
#230
Got a new job as a hostage negotiator. Tried to ring in sick but they talked me out of it.
#611
Lazy People Fact #5812672793:
You were too lazy to read that number.